


Love me (if that's what you wanna do)

by booksteaandcake



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Comfort/Angst, Confusing, Depression, Dom!Michael, Dom/sub, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Feelings, Feels, Fluff and Smut, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sex, Illegal Activities, London, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Muke - Freeform, One-Sided Attraction, Panic Attacks, Porn With Plot, Sad, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, sad muke, sub!luke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-05-18 20:39:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 51
Words: 126,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5942392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksteaandcake/pseuds/booksteaandcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Title from Love Me by The 1975)<br/>5sos are living in London. Luke likes Michael. Michael likes Luke. It's simple really... but why do both boys find it so hard to allow themselves to be happy? Michael is afraid of love and commitment and Luke is afraid of rejection. Their fears lead them to do the stupidest things to drive the other way, to the extent of being broken. Can they ever help one another to mend? Can they ever truly be happy?<br/>Angsty smut with plot. Features some hints of Cashton</p><p>**Update: It's more plot than smut, but there is still some smut. :-)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Michael and Luke had spent the whole afternoon lying together on the sofa, a tangle of limbs as they watched the Lego Movie for the millionth time, Michael smiling to himself every single moment that Luke giggled at the screen. They had the house to themselves, Calum and Ashton were out getting food and meeting fans in London whilst the two of them chose to laze away their hangovers. It was the perfect day for Michael, he hated going out unless it was to party and his favourite version of staying in was just doing nothing with Luke. He would never admit it, though he was pretty certain the whole band knew of his feelings for Luke, but he would never say them out loud. The curtains were open and the sun was shining directly on the two boys, shining through the glass of the window and onto Luke’s beautiful golden hair. His head was against Mikey’s chest, his body enclosed in the older boy’s arms. 

“The sun is in my eyes.” Luke whimpered, pouting his lips. 

Michael chuckled lowly, “Then go and shut the curtains.” 

With a shake of his head, Luke wriggled up to a seated position and shuffled to the edge of the sofa, on the opposite side to Michael. Michael couldn’t help but continue to laugh at Luke’s growing frustration - he always looked so hot when he was irritated. That was one of the things that made Michael want to wind him up all the time. Whenever he told him to shut up in interviews he would just watch the younger boy sit silently with gritted teeth, knowing it irritated him so much that he would look at Michael with those hooded, angry eyes. Of course he never did anything about it, it was just the look that drove Michael crazy. 

“The sun is still in my eyes!” Luke groaned, trying to shield his eyes with his hand. 

Michael watched him the whole time, beaming to himself. “Well I’m fine here.” he boasted, and Luke glowered in his direction. 

“Move then!”

Michael didn’t even have to answer that, he didn’t move for anybody, not even Luke. When he ignored the other boy, however, Luke didn’t take it lightly. He exhaled heavily and loudly, before shuffling across the couch and then sliding practically into Mikey’s lap. He smiled with so much sweetness Michael thought he would get tooth decay… though he loved it really. He didn’t bother asking his best friend to move, he just let him stay there as the two of them focused on the TV screen. There was a slight problem though. Michael had just been thinking about how fucking hot Lukey was when he was irritated, and now the boy was sitting on his lap. His bloody lap. Luke was so close to him and he smelt so good and he looked so good, and he kept giggling at the film. It was driving Michael so crazy… and it wasn’t the kind of crazy he could hide. His pants were beginning to tent. Feeling his face begin to burn bright red, Michael waited until the film was almost over because he was too damn awkward to say anything sooner, but he patted Luke’s shoulders gently. 

“Move it, I’ve- gotta get to the bathroom.” He said nervously, hearing his voice shake. His voice never shook and he knew it, and so did Luke.  
He turned to look at the red haired boy with raised eyebrows, “What’s the matter with you?”

He wasn’t getting up, he wasn’t moving at all, and when Michael tried to shove him off his lap it didn’t do anything. Luke was watching his face grow redder and redder and he was grinning from ear to ear. 

“I think I know what’s the matter with you.” He said slowly.  
His hand was on Mikey’s knee and his eyes were on his crotch. Michael swore to himself internally, he couldn’t handle this, what the fuck was going on? Luke knew he had a hard on but he was just moving his fingers gradually up his leg, teasing him. His fingers reached his inner thigh and squeezed. 

“Luke, what the fuck are you doing?” He hissed through his teeth, “Let me up.” 

Luke didn’t say anything. He had turned his body round to fully face the other boy and then he was sinking onto his knees, his lips between his teeth. His damned lip bite, with that stupid ringm it was one of the other many things that made Michael lose it. He was on his knees, in front of Michael, and his hands were at the flies of the older boy’s jeans. 

“Luke.” Michael breathed, he was growing weak at the touch of those beautiful hands, unzipping his jeans. “Luke, what are you doing.” It wasn’t a question - he knew exactly what he was doing. Why was he doing it, though? They were best friends, things like this just didn’t happen. They saw each other naked yeah and they had kissed once or twice when they were drunk but they were 100% sober. Sure, Michael had dreamed of this moment for years, he just couldn’t help it, nobody could help it when it came to Luke. But it was actually happening - he was not prepared for this.

“Luke!” He begged, but Luke had managed to pull his jeans down and his pants and now Michael Clifford’s dick was between Luke Hemming’s hands. 

“You’re big.” Luke said, as normally as you would discuss the fact that it was raining. “I mean, I knew that, but… I’ve never seen you hard.”

“Luke.” He hissed yet again, shaking his head. “Luke, what the fuck-”

Looking up at him from beneath his eyelashes, the blonde boy smiled innocently. “Let me make you feel good, Mikey. I know you want it.”

His head tilted forwards and then a quick dribble of spit came from his mouth, landing on the tip of Michael’s dick. “Sorry, no lube, hope you don’t mind.”

“This is weird, Luke.” Michael insisted, but when Luke’s hand began to massage his cock up and down he couldn’t keep a moan from escaping his lips. 

Luke shook his head, rubbing the giant dick up and down, gradually gaining speed. “S’not weird. What’s weird about me wanting to please my bestest friend?”  
“You’re a guy-” Michael whispered, “Ah, fuck.” 

Luke had got him ready now, ready to be sucked and ready to come, so when Luke started to move away Michael couldn’t bear it.  
“Fine, I can just go if it bothers you…” Luke said slowly, shuffling backwards and getting ready to stand to his feet. 

Michael’s eyes flew wide, “No, Lukey, I didn’t say that.”

A smirk played about the younger’s mouth and he went back to his knees, taking Michael’s member back into his hands. His head bowed forwards again and he spat one more time to make Mikey’s cock nice and wet. His lips parted and then his mouth was around Michael. His head started to bob slowly, too slowly. He was driving Mikey crazy, he needed it now. Well, not it, he had to remind himself - they couldn’t have sex. He tangled his hand into the beautiful blonde locks and he held them roughly, guiding Luke’s head. His mouth went straight down to Michael’s balls, he was taking it deep and not even complaining. He moaned a lot, though, little pathetic puppy whimpers and it was just making Michael harder. 

“I’m gonna come.” He moaned when he couldn’t hold it anymore. Releasing his hold on Luke’s hair he allowed the other boy to sit back and then took hold of his cock himself, holding it to make sure he didn’t get any of his juice on the sofa - the other guys would not miss that.  
His seed exploded from the tip of his dick and got on the wooden floor - luckily it wasn’t carpet. Luke’s eyes went to it almost hungrily, he was chewing on his lip again. 

“Well I don’t know what the fuck that was, but it was good.” Michael broke the short silence that spread between the two of them after that. “Just don’t expect me to return the favour, sucking cock is not my thing.”

Luke looked up at last, meeting his eyes. He didn’t even crack a smile, his eyes were just wide like moons with horror. A hand flew to his mouth, “Oh god. I’m - I’m so sorry.” He was suddenly panicking, his words coming out in a rush and all traces of horny confidence were gone from his face. 

“Hey, Lukey,” Michael tried his best at sounding calming as he got to his feet, pulling up his pants and jeans zipping his flies back up. “Lukey, don’t worry. It’s cool. I- I liked it.” 

Luke wasn’t even listening, he was shaking his head when he turned and ran from the living room and up the stairs, and the sound of his feet running was closely followed by the heavy shutting of his bedroom door.  
Michael frowned a little, sitting back down against the couch cushions. That had been weird, but Luke was the one who orchestrated it… had Michael somehow taken it too far? Confused, he ran a hand through his bright red hair, thinking back over what had just happened. Luke had been completely into it, what could be wrong? The fact that Michael had said sucking dick wasn’t his thing, could that have made him panic? No… no it wouldn’ have, surely. He was joking when he said it, sort of. He couldn’t put his finger on it… it hadn’t felt at all wrong to him. Luke was the one who had wanted to do it, he hadn’t even stopped when Michael was close to telling him to.  
He shook his head, he couldn’t think about it, he would just ask Luke later when he had calmed down. He turned the volume on the TV up and looked at the screen, but he returned to his thoughts. It hadn’t felt at all wrong. It had just felt right. Like, why haven’t we been doing this before? kind of right. And now he just wanted to feel Luke’s touch again, he wanted to return the favour somehow even if he had no idea how to suck a dick. It didn’t feel wrong so why the hell had Luke panicked? 

___

Luke sat on his bed, throwing a bouncy ball against the wall and catching it again. He wanted to go downstairs but he was too embarrassed. Obviously he had been aware of what he was doing he just hadn’t thought about it at the time. It had been good, and Michael hadn’t rejected him which was always a plus. It was more… disappointment. He was ashamed in himself for doing what he had just done because it shouldn’t have been like that. The first time he ever did anything with Michael should have been special and it should have meant as much to Mikey as it did to Luke. It should have been a result of pure love and not just horny Michael getting turned on and being happy to have the help.


	2. Chapter 2

Michael awoke the next morning in a rush, almost as if he had awoken from a nightmare. It certainly hadn’t been a nightmare though... 

“You know, I’m totally ready to fuck you.” Luke purred, low and seductive, his hand groping Michael’s member through his sequinned hotpants. 

Okay, maybe it had been a nightmare, why the fuck was he wearing sequinned hot pants? He couldn’t think about it though, he shouldn’t have been having dreams like that about his best friend, especially not Luke who clearly hadn’t been as into it.

He glanced to the clock on his bedside table and was surprised to see that it was only 10am, he usually woke up around two in the afternoon. He ran a hand through his hair in a bad attempt to smooth it down, pulled on some sweatpants and a T-shirt and padded down the hallway to the kitchen.  
Ashton, surprise surprise, was already up. He had a cup of coffee and some toast in front of him along with a notepad which he used for jotting down song ideas… Michael was shocked when he saw Calum sitting beside him at their breakfast bar.

He mock gasped, “Calum Hood is awake in the morning!?”

Cal rolled his eyes and took a sip from his own coffee mug, “I could say the same about you. I have to be up for songwriting in a bit, what’s got you awake?” 

Ashton looked up curiously from his notes too, Michael Clifford choosing to be up in the morning was a very rare occurrence in the 5 Seconds Of Summer household. Memories of the dream returned to Michael and he felt his face burn just at the thought of it, he shook his head. 

“Bad dream.” He lied, it hadn’t been bad at all, his cock was growing hard just thinking about it. He walked across the kitchen to the kettle and filled it with more water before clicking the kettle on. Taking one mug out of the cupboard, he looked up at the sound of somebody else joining them. 

“Hey guys.”

Obviously it was Luke, he wouldn’t miss that voice anywhere, and he sounded almost normal. That was until he saw Michael and his voice grew sharp and guarded. “Mikey.” 

Michael looked over at him and inclined his head awkwardly, and then held up his empty mug. “Tea?” 

Luke nodded, and then with his head bowed down he quickly passed Michael and went to sit in the stool opposite Calum’s. His fingers instantly started to drum the countertop, something they only did when he was nervous. Why was he nervous? Michael made their cups of tea and the whole time tried to work out the entire situation. Luke had sucked him off, disappeared for the entire night and now the first time that Michael was seeing again he was more nervous than ever. Maybe he was just regretting his decision, but then wouldn’t he just act, well, like he was having regret? Instead he was acting like Michael was terrifying monster that gave him panic attacks. Sighing to himself quietly, he picked up the mugs and delivered one of them to Luke who murmured a thanks. He sat himself beside the blonde, opposite Ash. It was silent though. Calum and Ashton were both studying their notes with furrowed brows, and usually Luke and Michael would make conversation but now they just sat watching. 

“Why are you up, Luke?” Michael asked when the silence grew way too unbearable. 

That was apparently the wrong thing to say. Luke flinched when he heard Mikey talk, his face turned bright red and he knocked his cup of tea over onto it’s side… causing a small spill of tea to seep across the bar and onto Calum’s notebook. 

Calum let out a frustrated shout but nobody really understood what words he was saying as he stood to his feet, picking up his now tea covered notebook and shaking it out. 

“For fucks sake Luke!” He yelled at the taller boy, who was leaning across with some boxers he grabbed off of the washing pile to try and dry it up. “You twat, what the fuck is wrong with you? You’re such a clumsy… Jesus fucking Christ, Luke. You ruined everything!” 

Michael couldn’t help it, he just grew very very mad when he saw Calum’s words take an impact on Luke. He dropped the tea soaked boxers to the floor and stepped back, his eyes darting to the floor, blinking rapidly like he was holding back tears. Out of all of them, Luke was definitely the most sensitive, so those words were bound to hurt, especially when spoken by Calum who was usually so kind and easygoing.

“Now what am I supposed to tell the fans when we get only half as much songs out than we are supposed to? ‘Sorry, you can blame Luke for that!’” Calum continued to yell. 

Ashton was just shaking his head, and going to get a tea towel to mop it up properly, so there was nobody to stop Michael from getting involved. 

“Shut up, Cal.” He said, surprisingly calm at first as he too got to his feet and moved slightly closer to Luke as if to protect him. 

Calum rose his eyebrows and looked like he would laugh. “Sorry, what? He’s just ruined my whole notebook of song lyrics, the bloody dick!” 

“He didn’t mean to.” Michael rose his voice. “Can’t you see he’s upset?” 

“What the fuck, Mike, that’s like seven songs gone!”  
From behind him, Michael heard Luke sniff. He was crying. God damned sensitive Luke, and god damned Calum. Michael pointed his finger at his friend like a cartoon mother wagging her finger disapprovingly. 

“Shut up Cal, or so help me God, I will shut you up myself.” 

There was a long pause. Ashton had returned and now Michael was suddenly made aware of everyone staring at him. Cal and Ash with intrigue and disbelief, Luke just with shock in his wide, baby blue eyes. 

“Did you just defend Luke Hemmings?” Ashton said with a teasing voice, probably just to cut the tension as best as he could. There seemed to be a whole lot of tension in the room that morning. 

Bowing his head slightly to hide the blush flooding to his cheeks, Michael shrugged his shoulders. “Cal was being a dick.”

There was more quiet, and nobody said anything, Michael could just imagine Calum and Ashton exchanging shocked glances even with his attention on the kitchen tiles. 

“You’re right, Mikey.” Calum spoke eventually, walking over to Luke and ruffling his hair. “Sorry, Luke. I didn’t mean to upset you, I know you didn’t mean anything by it.” 

The younger boy sniffed, and Michael didn’t turn to look at the boys as Luke replied, “No, I didn’t. But I’m really sorry, Cal, I can try and help you remember your lyrics or- or make sense of them, people stain paper with tea all the time to make it look cool. We could just leave your pad to dry.” 

There were no more arguments, Ashton went to find a hairdryer which neither of them remembered buying and attempted to dry the pages of the paper. Michael disappeared to his bedroom to get some of his own last minute songwriting done as ideas for when he and Luke met with their writer later on. He was not looking forward to being alone with Luke, that was for certain. First of all he had caused all that drama with the tea somehow by just speaking to his friend, and then he had just leapt to Luke’s defence in front of everyone, something he would never have done usually. He would have told to Calum to back off, sure, but he wouldn’t normally get so angry. That reminded him of the other reason he did not want to be alone with Luke… the blowjob and the dream. He sighed frustratedly and opened his own notebook. 

___________________

“And then I was thinking of maybe adding the bridge here…” Luke was saying to their writer John, pointing to something he had written down in his notebook. 

“Yeah, that would sound good,” John replied and started to list ideas for wording and arrangements. 

“You know, I’m totally ready to fuck you.” Luke purred, low and seductive, his hand groping Michael’s member through his sequinned hotpants.  
“And I am totally ready to have my cock buried inside of you.” Michael replied gently, sucking on his lollipop once he had spoken. “You would look so good with your ass in the air, waiting for me to fuck you good and hard.”  
“Then don’t hold back, Mikey.”

Michael couldn’t focus. He was staring too hard at the table in a rubbish attempt to distract himself from looking at Luke because every single time he did he was just hit with floods of memories of his dream. His latest memory made him shake his head with horror. He still could not work out the sequinned hotpants and now the addition of the lollipop!? 

“Michael?” He jumped, John was speaking to him and both he and Luke were staring at him. 

Michael shook his head once more, trying to get the dream to leave his mind completely. “Yes?” He asked after too long of saying nothing. 

“Do you have anything to add? Ideas for this song?”

He had barely contributed to the conversation at all, for their entire meeting he had left it all to Luke, so he wanted to have something to add. However, when he looked down at the notebook he had bought, all he had written down was, “You look so perfect standing there, in my bright hot pink sequinned hot pants.” 

Hastily, he scribbled over it. “No, nothing!” He said, a bit too brightly. 

John and Luke looked at him like he had gone nuts, and he probably had. The dream was weird sure, but not just that… just the idea of fucking Luke. How had that even occurred to him? The events of the previous day clearly meant nothing to Luke, well, nothing but regret, so why couldn’t he shake the thought of it? For the rest of the meeting he continued to be no help, and when he and Luke left the building he decided he couldn’t be with Luke any longer, not if he had to hold back from taking him right there and then. 

“I’m going to go for a walk, I need some air.”

“Want me to come with you?” Luke asked. 

Michael shook his head and gestured to the car that was waiting for them. “No, no. You go, I’ll get my own car later. See you at home.”

Luke hesitated for a moment but Michael was already getting ready to cross the road and go into the park, which probably wasn’t a good idea if he wanted some time alone, to go to Hyde Park where he would most likely meet fans, but he just needed to get away. Somehow he managed to find a bench unseen and he sat down on it, throwing his head into his hands way too angrily.  
All he could think about was Luke and Luke sucking his cock and Luke’s beautiful eyes and Luke’s adorable laugh. He knew he was in way too deep and he would most likely drown in his stupid feelings if he didn’t find a way to keep them in check.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, the sequinned hot pants and the lollipop, idek haha. Anyways hope this chapter was okay, next chapter should include a bit more about what Luke is feeling right now.


	3. Chapter 3

It was dark when Michael finally got home. It was definitely coming into winter, his hands were almost blue from cold and his teeth were chattering, he had forgotten his jacket. He entered the living room where he could hear the TV on and he found Luke and Calum sitting on separate sofas, both taking up whole ones to themselves.   
He could have sat on the armchair but then he couldn’t see the TV, so he moved to sit with Luke but then thought better of it and instead opted to sit with Cal instead. Calum sighed heavily and flopped his legs over Michael, refusing to sit up. 

“Where’s Ash?” 

“Gone to get some food.” Calum replied, not turning his attention away from the crap reality show they were watching. 

“Ughhh he better not come back with some freaky vegetable shit.” Michael groaned, throwing his head back dramatically. 

From the other sofa Luke laughed. It was only a tiny laugh but all day he had barely smiled when he had been with Mikey, he had just looked nervous and agitated. He stopped the moment he realised he was doing it, but Michael had definitely noticed it. Unable to help it, a small, smug smile played about his lips but he hid it quickly. 

“It’s Ash.” Calum said, giving Michael a look. Michael was not sure what exactly the look was, but he noticed it - he had looked to happy to have made Luke laugh, that was probably it. Or maybe Calum hadn’t given him any look and he was just being paranoid. “Of course he’s going to come back with some freaky vegetable shit.”

Nobody spoke for a while, the three of them all turned their attention to the TV screen once again. Michael didn’t watch TV very often, so he found it hard to concentrate. Whilst he was bored, his fingers drumming on the arm of the sofa, he was made aware of everything around him. Such as Luke also finding it difficult to focus on the screen. He was looking at Michael the whole time, a long lingering stare that Mikey could not shake. 

“How was your walk?” He said in a small voice, the first time he had properly spoken since Michael had entered the room.   
Almost like it was a complete rarity to hear Luke talk, Michael’s head sharply turned to look at his friend and he rose his brows. He shrugged his shoulders, “Alright.”

The end credits of the show they had been watching started to roll and Calum swung his legs off of Michael, getting to his feet. 

“I’ve been a couch potato since I got home, I’m going to go shower before dinner.” He said, disappearing. 

It was a lame excuse, Michael thought to himself, Calum never showered before dinner because he liked to get straight into bed after showering, but he tried not to question it. Still, he knew that Calum could sense some kind of tension between Michael and Luke, the silence between the two of them had been practically buzzing. And he really didn’t help himself by sticking up for Luke earlier, something he never did. Not angrily, certainly not. Then Calum was gone and the adverts were rolling, and it was just Michael and Luke. There wasn’t a driver with them or any management or writers, just the two of them. Last time it was properly just the two of them… well. Luke had sucked Michael’s dick and now everything was entirely awkward.

“So.” Michael said into the uncomfortable quiet, forcing a smile. 

“So.”

“What’s on TV?” 

Luke shrugged his shoulders, picking up the remote control and clicking to the guide. Michael would usually get up and swipe it from his hand and put something he knew Luke would like on just for the sake of irritating, but he didn’t want to now. The usual friendly teasing was gone because all Michael could think about was getting a little too friendly. He couldn’t help but watch Luke from where he sat on the couch, furthest from the younger boy. Nobody could keep their eyes off of Luke, he was insanely attractive and he just drew attention wherever he went without even intending to - Michael was always immune. However, now, as Luke skimmed the channels with boredom on his face through a very noticeable blush, he couldn’t look away. Those beautiful lips had been wrapped around him not even twenty four hours ago and now he wanted nothing more than to feel those lips again. It wasn’t even just that he wanted to be sucked off again, that’s what scared Mikey more. He couldn’t just pass it off as being horny. He just wanted to kiss him, hold him, run his hands through his hair and make out until they were all hot and bothered. He shook his head, trying to get out of his daze. At that moment he was very very confused, but there was a thing he was certain of: nothing good could come of this.

____________________________

Luke was blushing. He could feel it, the heat creeping from his neck to his ears. Michael would not quit staring and it was driving him mad. Not mad enough to say something though, he didn’t think he would ever be able to say anything to Michael again, not like he had done before. He had managed to keep his feelings concealed for so long, but now he had just given Michael a blowjob. People had suspicions of his sexuality sure, far too many times he had accidentally let the word ‘hot’ slip when he was talking about guys and neither of the band had ever mentioned it. None of them were homophobic and if Luke was gay they wouldn’t even care… but he wasn’t. He couldn’t be. He liked girls. But now that he had let the heat of the moment take over once he couldn’t ignore the stupid, reckless feelings and thoughts he had pushed back for so long. He was not gay. But why couldn’t he quit wishing for Michael’s touch? Why couldn’t he just return to normal and joke and not feel the need to hide his laughter. 

Seeing Calum with his legs across Michael’s lap had driven him crazy. He always got jealous, if he thought Luke was getting closer to one of the other guys than to him, if he would rather go in the cab with Ash or Cal than with Luke, but it was getting uncontrollable. He couldn’t be weak again though, he couldn’t give into his stupid feelings, not ever. Clearly though, this was not going away. For the entire day, each meeting with Michael had just been more tension filled than the last and it could only get worse unless they managed to establish some kind of understanding. He just had to apologise, say he didn’t know what came over him (because he didn’t) and make sure Michael knew that those feelings had meant nothing. He was the worst liar of them all though… if he had to talk to Michael about feelings it would just end up spilling out. No, he could avoid the feeling part of it, Mikey didn’t like discussing that stuff anyway. The silence was growing. 

“Michael, we need to talk.” He said in a stupid rush.

He finally managed to pluck up the courage to speak but it failed. Michael looked over at him with all seriousness and nodded his head, opening his mouth to say something. 

“I’m home!” They heard Ashton yell along with him shutting the door a little too loudly and then he arrived in the living room carrying a pizza. He placed it on the coffee table along with some bottles of coke and some sides and then went to get plates and glasses. 

“Later?” Michael asked when they had a small amount of time alone again, leaning forwards and looking into Luke’s eyes. Those damned eyes of his drove Luke mad. 

Luke just nodded, but then he decided that conversation would never happen. He shouldn’t have even suggested talking, he would just say something ridiculous. To save himself from any awkward apologies he would just have to try and act normal. The whole evening, through dinner and then playing video games with the boys, he tried to return to his normal state, ignoring any traces of awkwardness. However, the whole time, Michael would not quit looking at him. Probably judging him, thinking about what a freak he was being at the moment. He wouldn’t let it bother him though, he couldn’t. He did not have feelings for Michael... he wouldn't let himself. It was wrong. He could not, not ever. 

But that didn't stop him from stealing glances for Michael like he usually did, and admiring him as he laughed or childishly taunted the others when he beat them at a game. That didn't stop him from imagining up scenarios in which they confessed their true love for one another. That did not stop him from... well, from feeling so much love for Michael that it was crushing him. And he didn't think that would ever stop. He would just have to go through the remainder of their life as a band suffering when he saw Michael flirting with other girls or when he got too close with one of the guys. It was the right thing to do, he told himself.


	4. Chapter 4

“Wake up, Luke.” Ashton yelled, shaking the boy in his bed. 

Yawning, Luke stretched his arms and sat up ever so slightly, slumping back against the headboard and running a hand through his tangle of blonde hair. Ash was opening his curtains on the other side of the room, allowing sun beams to hit Luke directly in the eyes. 

“What time is it?” He asked, stifling a second yawn. 

Turning to look at him, Ashton grinned broadly. “Just gone nine. Come on, we have an interview later.” When Luke still struggled to even keep his eyes open, the oldest of the band rolled his eyes, a true carer of the boys. “It’s not like it’s seven am or anything, Luke. Wake up!”

“The interview isn’t til eleven!” Luke protested, but he was awake now so he may aswell try and make himself look presentable. 

They hadn’t had an interview in a while, they had been a little off the radar since the release of their latest album but now that their tour was coming up, they suddenly had a whole stream of them. Wriggling out from under his covers, Luke found a t-shirt and threw it on over his boxers before going to the kitchen to have some tea. Hopefully it would go better than their breakfast had the previous day. Luckily for Luke though, Michael still seemed to be sleeping, which was good. Since the realisation had truly hit him, that he definitely couldn’t have any feelings for Michael meaning he couldn’t allow him to, he had been unable to focus properly. Obviously the thought of his favourite redheaded Clifford still racked his brain constantly, but it was a little easier to handle when Mikey was not in the room. 

It didn’t last for long though. As he was sitting down cradling a mug of tea between his hands, Michael entered the room muttering grumpily. 

“What’s up with you?” Calum asked him through a mouthful of cereal. 

Michael threw a dramatic glare in Ashton’s direction, “The time.”  
All of the boys rolled their eyes, they were used to Michael being the grumpiest in the mornings despite his belief that it was Luke. To Luke’s utter horror, Michael sat down in the chair beside him. It was a horror of butterflies and lust and yearning and fear, one that he didn’t know to handle still and he didn’t know if he ever would be. 

“Well the interview is at eleven and it will take us about forty five minutes to get to the location.” Ashton said with a shrug, sliding a cup of tea to Michael even though he wasn’t even making any for himself. “I just wanted everyone to be ready!”

Luke couldn’t help it, he knew it meant nothing, but even the fact that Ash made Michael a morning drink made him mad. It shouldn’t have but he didn’t want Michael to start to think Ash cared about him a lot more than just friends and then they would fall in love and run into the sunset together. He shook his head to himself, that would definitely never happen. He was going crazy, he was pretty certain of it. His ex girlfriend had never made him feel the way Michael did. That was one of the reasons he broke up with her, he lied and said it was because the distance was too hard with all the travelling he would have to do with the band and moving to London part time but another reason was because of the feelings Michael gave him. They were wrong, it was wrong, everything was wrong. But he just couldn’t shake the feeling no matter how hard he tried. 

____________________

The boys all were out of their house on time and in their car without a stress, but Michael couldn’t fight the knotting feeling in his stomach. He had had another dream about Luke and it was driving him mad, the fact that he could even begin to feel those kinds of feelings for one of his friends, yet alone Luke. Purposely he got into the opposite door to Luke so that Calum was sat between the two of them and Ash was in the front seat, as he usually was. 

Everything just seemed awkward lately. Luke definitely noticed that Mikey purposely sat as far from him as he could and he was good at hiding it but a hint of sadness was obvious. He probably wished that they could just get over everything too. Sure, he sucked Michael’s dick,but that's really all there was to it. They should have talked about it like they had been about to before Ashton interrupted, but he didn’t want to initiate a conversation. Honestly, it had felt so good and so right and Michael was finding it hard to see anything wrong with it. So what if Luke liked to suck dick, his dick for that matter? It was a win win for both of them because Michael would definitely be willing to do it again. He shook his head, frustrated at everything he was thinking. Luke clearly had a problem with it, he just didn’t understand why everything felt so… so wrong. 

They reached the location of the interview, a news station, and all tumbled out of the car. They were led to a room to wait in as usual where they could have drinks or snacks if they wanted, which they always did, and then the interviewer came to meet them. As it was a radio only interview there wasn’t really a particular seating arrangement which Luke was gleeful for, for a little moment anyway - Calum sat on the end and Ash beside him, meaning either way he would have to sit with Luke. Honestly he didn’t mind it whatsoever, but Luke looked petrified. 

Yes, Michael was definitely confused and not sure how he could deal with all of the thoughts he was having but surely he didn’t look so terrified at the thought of being with Luke? It hurt his feelings a little bit, he had to admit.

“Afternoon everybody, that was the weather with Veronica but now we are joined by… 5 Seconds of Summer!”

The tiny recording studio type room was filled with the sound of fake clapping as a greeting along with the intro to one of their songs, and then they were right into the questions. The interviewer was good, he was funny without trying too hard to be ‘one of the guys’, and his questions were slightly different and interesting. None of his questions were even that intrusive. 

“Mikey, come on now, what’s got you down?” He asked suddenly, and Michael flinched when he realised he was the one being addressed. 

“Down? Nothing’s got me down. I’m on the top of the world!” He internally winced when those words came out of his mouth and Calum laughed. 

“As long as you’re sure! And Luke, how about you? You guys have been awful quiet…” 

Michael shifted nervously in his seat, the interviewer had been good up until that point. He hated being called out on for not talking much because it was usually because he was tired or in a bad mood and the questions just made it worse. Luke hated it more though, he barely said anything. 

“Now, Michael and Luke, here’s a question for you. It seems like a big thing among your fan base to ship one member with another? You two are a popular pairing, yes?”

Luke’s face had turned bright red and he was staring down at the floor, twiddling his fingers together. Michael didn’t have a clue what to say without saying the wrong thing. ‘Yeah we’re popular and you know what? All the fanfics are right! He sucked my dick!’ definitely didn’t seem right. 

“Um. I guess.” He said instead. 

Always the hero, Ash grinned and took control of the answer for him, “You know, it’s a little uncomfortable at times.” He said through a laugh, “But our fans are weird and wonderful and we love them for it.”

“Yeah.” The interviewer agreed with a nod and for a moment Mikey breathed a sigh of relief when he thought the attention would be turned away from him, but he was definitely wrong. “And Michael, do you have a favourite pairing?” He was teasing and maybe it wouldn’t bother him so much if he weren’t in the current situation, but Michael was getting irritated. 

“No. I stay away from that shit.” 

The interview ended quickly after that and they all got back into the car. Luke stole the shotgun before Ash even got a chance, leaving Michael left with Cal and Ash. Nobody said a lot for the whole car ride, Michael ended up closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep for a short while. He wouldn’t let himself sleep properly though, he was too scared of having another one of those dreams. When they got into their house and all walked through to the kitchen, Cal went to the fridge and got himself a can of coke. 

“That interview got so awkward.” Michael said into the unusual quiet spreading between him and his bandmates. “What the fuck were those questions?”

Calum rolled his eyes, “Michael, they always ask things like that. You were kinda rude.”

“I was not rude!” 

“You were! Why not just answer the question with another joke? Luke, saying nothing and staring at the floor is just going to make fans suspect stuff.” Calum said almost sternly, which was weird for him but Michael couldn’t bother with wondering about that. 

“No, it was a weird question!”

“Yeah and you guys just made it seem weirder!” Calum insisted. 

They always argued over petty stuff and usually nobody even cared about the subject, but this was irritating Michael way too much. He was about to admit to overreacting when Luke actually spoke. 

“Shut the fuck up, Calum.” He muttered. 

Ashton looked worried, chewing on his lip slightly as he watched the mini argument playing out. 

“What? I’m just saying, Luke, don’t get offended-” 

“Well I didn’t ask you to just say!” Luke yelled, and then without warning he turned and ran from the room. 

Michael stressfully ran his fingers through his hair, making the red strands stand on end. Maybe he was overreacting… he had to do something to try and return things to normal, or at least easier to cope with. It was the sexual tension that was making everything weird, he decided.  
_________________

Luke knew that that he was being stupid and Calum was right - he should have just said something back teasingly and that would be the end of it, but he had let his feelings get in the way again and he had made everything fall to shit. Again. He was lying on his bed for about two hours just listening to music, too tired to do anything, but then there was a knock at the door. He didn’t say anything but the guest pushed it open anyway, revealing Michael standing in the doorway. In a rush, Luke bolted upright and crossed his legs. 

“Yes?”

Michael looked nervous as he entered the bedroom and walked slowly over to Luke’s bed. For a while he didn’t say anything and it was just quiet as both of them sat with their eyes darting round the room, not wanting to look at one another. 

Eventually, Michael opened his lips, turning to face Luke better. “I think we should talk about last night.” 

Luke nodded his head once, gulping audibly like a cartoon character. “Yeah. Okay.” 

“Okay.” Michael agreed. “Um.”

“Um…” 

They both laughed quietly, nervous. Soon Luke couldn’t take waiting for Michael to speak anymore so he let the words tumble out of him. 

“I’m so sorry for what I did even though you told me we shouldn’t and now I have made everything awkward and I’m really sorry I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking when I did that it didn’t mean anything at all and I know it was all wrong and it was a shit blowjob but let’s just forget about it, if that is what you want.” He didn’t even pause for breath between all his words. 

Michael was staring at him with his eyebrows raised, but then he slowly shook his head. “Luke, it was not shit at all. I think that’s why I- why everything’s awkward. Because… because I just keep dreaming about it happening again.”

Heat rushed to Luke’s face with all of his scarlet blood. “Sorry?”

A moment's hesitation. Luke leaned forward, Michael licked his lips timidly. 

“It was the opposite of shit, Luke. You’re a pretty good cock sucker.” He smirked and then looked shocked when he noticed Luke’s horrified expression. 

“No, I, uh-” 

Surprising them both though, Luke laughed, a cute little giggle escaping but he quickly shut his mouth again. 

“So what are you saying?” He asked seriously. 

Michael shrugged his shoulders. “Just- just that I liked what you did. And if you’re ever up for more, you know, I’m here and up for it. As friends, you know, friends doing a favour.”

Luke hadn’t even properly processed the words when he nodded his head slowly. “Friends.”

They hovered between Michael leaving and Luke lying back down for way too long and it got way too uncomfortable. 

“Friends.” Michael said one last time. 

He got to his feet and quickly exited the room, leaving Luke sitting on his own. Had Michael just proposed that they have a friends with benefits relationship? He had. Surely then, Luke should be the happiest guy in the world? He liked Michael a whole lot and he now had the knowledge that whenever he wanted to be close to him he could just go to Mikey’s bedroom and ask and it could become the new norm for them, no discomfort. That didn’t stop tears from beginning to spill out from his eyes though, and it didn’t stop him from curling up in a ball under his cover and staying there, and it didn’t stop him from hating himself and his idiocy. He could suck Michael’s dick whenever he wanted sure, but they would always be just friends. Michael was up for it but no feelings attached. 

He had known it all along, but it hit him hard in the chest like a shotgun bullet, the realisation that the only times he would have with Michael would be if Mikey was horny and wanted some pleasure. He would never return the love Luke had for him though, and that hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut coming next chapter I believe.   
> Thank you to those who have bookmarked or left kudos, it means a lot! :)


	5. Chapter 5

Luke tossed in his bed and turned the other way, he was making a circuit in his bed of twists and it was driving him mad. He hadn’t slept properly for three nights, since Michael came into his bedroom and announced his offer. He couldn’t shake those words from his head, nor could he shake the memory of Michael’s eyes or his hand in his hair as he went down on him. Shaking his head to himself, he told himself he could not give in. He had made a resolution not to go through with Mikey’s idea but it was almost impossible. All that he could think about was being with him again. It may not mean anything but maybe it was all he needed, too. The whole time he had thought he was in love with Michael but what if he too was also just really desperate to have sex with him? 

He wouldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it. Squeezing his eyes shut, he willed himself to fall asleep but he just couldn’t do it. The alarm clock beside his bed told him that it was almost three am. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep for a long time, he was too hungry. Only not the kind of hunger that was easily stopped. 

Those green eyes, his plump and pink lips, his hands, his dick in Luke’s mouth… he couldn’t contain himself any longer. Luke felt like he was about to explode with lust and longing and it was not something he could cope with, not every other night. Michael had told him he was always up for it and Luke was most certainly up for it judging by the tent forming in his pants just thinking about it. He didn’t have to feel the things he was… he could just push them aside, forget about them while he knew Michael used him for nothing but sex. It would be really good sex, just imagining it…

Without hesitating anymore, Luke got out of his bed and tiptoed out of his room and along to Michael’s room. He had fallen asleep with his lamp on, Luke could see his sleeping body sprawled across the mattress, the blanket only half covering his nearly naked form. He wore nothing but black boxers which clung to his ass… Luke had always loved his ass. Michael had the best body out of all of them, in his opinion, but his friend would never believe it of himself. 

Silently as he could manage, Luke made his way over to the bed. Luckily for him Michael was lying in his back… he had been planning on asking him first but something had come back to his mind. A couple of years ago now they had watched some film where the woman woke her husband up by sucking his dick and Mikey had been saying how hot it would be. Even if there were no proper feelings attached, there couldn’t be, obviously Luke would do anything to make Michael happy. He wanted the best for him. The bed creaked slightly as he got onto it, sitting on his knees between Michael’s apart legs. Almost timidly, Luke’s fingers found the waistband of the boxers and he ever so slowly slid them down Mikey’s legs. He couldn’t get them all the way but plenty enough for his huge dick to spring free. 

Luke felt like he was invading a little as he licked his lips, feeling his own dick press up against his own boxers at just the thought. He was very easy to be made to get a hard on anyway, but Michael was especially good at making it happen. He wrapped his hand around Mikey’s shaft and as he did so the older boy groaned slightly in his sleep and boy it was a hot sound. Shaking slightly, Luke began to massage the dick, his hand moving so slowly it barely was moving at all. It took a little longer than normal but as Luke’s movements began to speed up so did the hardening of Michael’s dick. Michael moaned again, as Luke tilted his head forwards and daintily dabbed his tongue against the tip of his cock. He let some of his saliva fall onto Michael’s member just to make it slightly more wet and then he opened his mouth as wide as he could to get his lips around Mikey’s beautiful, thick dick. It was when he was choking on the other boy’s length that he was made aware of Michael waking up. 

Those wonderful green eyes opened to meet his own blue ones, Michael blinking blearily in the light.

“Luke?” He said through a yawn, but then he moaned as Luke squeezed his dick slightly. “OH god, Luke.” 

Knowing he had succeeded in surprising Michael, Luke smiled around his mouthful, working faster. 

“Luke, man, I’m confused but it’s good.” Michael groaned, still sounding sleepy. “I feel like I’m gonna come already.” 

At those words, Luke quickly lifted his head, releasing the dick from his mouth and grinning shyly. “Then come inside of me.”

He was nervous and hesitant but Michael seemed to be the exact opposite. He sat up, leaning against the headboard, and beckoned Luke closer to straddle his hips. There was a brief pause and Michael looked like he was thinking hard about what he did next, but he lifted his chin and Luke leant down to kiss his lips. 

Yes, there were butterflies in Luke’s stomach and fireworks going off in his head and he felt suddenly like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders the moment he kissed Mikey. He had pecked him once or twice for dares when they were drunk and at parties but it had never been like this, long and drawn out and passion filled. For him, anyway. The kiss was stopped way too soon, as Michael was flipping the younger boy over on to his stomach and moving quickly across the bed so that he was behind Luke. 

“You ever done this before?” He asked in a husky voice. 

Shaking slightly, Luke shook his head, then realised Luke couldn’t see him properly. 

“No.”

His ex girlfriend and himself had done stuff but he had never had sex with her properly, and he definitely had never come this close to anything with another guy. Had Michael? Luke was suddenly chewing on his bottom lip again, he was about to lose his virginity and to Michael, it was what he had been dreaming of for so long and of course he was undeniably excited. Deep down it was bothering him though, the fact that this meant a whole lot more to him than it did Mikey. It was his first time and he was in love, Michael was just, well, he liked sex. 

He felt Michael’s familiar hands running across his body and then he had the waistband of Luke’s boxers and he was pulling them down. There was an awkward pause - Luke was waiting with his arse in the air whilst Michael stumbled over to his dresser to get a bottle of lube out of the drawers and a condom. He took that moment to try and stop himself from shaking. 

Michael was back behind him in a second, and his skin was so close to Luke’s that he thought he could feel the heat radiating off of his body. There was the sound of packaging as the older boy unwrapped the condom and then slid it down over his member, and then he rubbed some lube on it. 

“I’ll try and go easy on you.” He said, surprisingly soft. 

His gentle hands came back to Luke’s waist, and slid over his arse as he prepped him, stretching him slightly. At first he went easy, he eased himself ever so slowly into Luke that the blonde was about to start begging for him to speed up. There was a slight discomfort and a tense, not really painful but just odd feeling in the pit of his stomach as he got used to it. Soon though he was wishing he hadn’t wanted it to speed up - Michael pulled out but then thrust back into his body so suddenly, pounding against his skin. 

Unable to contain it, Luke let out a small gasp of pain, but Michael didn’t even hear it. 

“Oh babe, you’re so tight.” He moaned raspily, his body colliding again and again. 

Babe. Luke liked the sound of that, coming out of Mikey’s lips for him. It hurt a bit, Michael was rough but gradually he started to get more used to it and it was no longer pain but it was just… amazing. 

“I can’t hold myself anymore…” Michael gasped, “I’ve gotta come.”

“Do it.” Luke urged, managing to utter the words through a stifled moan - he was trying not to scream because Calum and Ash were just down the hall but it was very hard. 

Michael’s seed released and he pulled out of Luke completely, and that time he didn’t thrust back in. Not even taking the condom off straight away, he collapsed onto the bed beside Luke, closing his eyes already. 

“God we are definitely doing this again.”

For some reason, Luke had to blink back tears when he heard those words. Maybe it was because they weren’t the three words he most wanted to hear in the world and that he always imagined he would be told after having sex for the first time. I love you, he thought, as he turned his head onto the side and looked into Mikey’s slowly closing green eyes.

He himself was exhausted and he ached slightly, Michael had tried to go easy but it just wasn’t in his nature it seemed. 

Sighing quietly, Luke sat up and shuffled to the edge of the bed. He was naked but everyone was asleep so he could quickly creep back along to his room - anyhow, he picked up his black boxers from where his friend had discarded them onto the floor. He was halfway to the door when Michael spoke sleepily. 

“Stay here, Luke.” He murmured. “You may as well, don’t want to risk the boys seeing you…”

“What if they see in the morning?” Luke said but he said so halfheartedly.... Michael wanted him to stay? 

He didn’t want to look too needy so he shook his head and continued on his way to the door. Michael didn’t protest, not even once… but he didn’t want to leave anyway. He switched off the light before turning round and crawling into the bed beside Michael. Sometimes, the boys would cuddle and it didn’t mean anything other than they wanted a hug and they loved their friends, yet Luke was still hoping for a cuddle with Mike after what had just happened between them. 

Michael was turned away from him though, lying on his side and facing the wall probably with his eyes shut as he was completely silent. Sleeping. Sighing once more, Luke turned around to face the opposite wall and curled into a ball. He managed to fall asleep, the whole time wishing that he could feel Michael’s arms around him, wrapping him into a tight embrace… yeah, like that would happen. 

_______________________

Michael kept blinking his eyes, he was exhausted but he couldn’t sleep. He was all too aware of Luke in the bed beside him. Smiling to himself, he couldn’t help but feel so gleeful. He had exactly what he wanted, he could sleep with Luke whenever he wanted and there were no feelings attached. Honestly he had been a little worried, he thought Luke would judge him or think he was weird and avoid him - after three days had gone by since he made his request he was just embarrassed. 

However Luke had come to him and he could now be peaceful with his ‘raunchy’ (as Ashton would say) dreams. Still, he was all too aware of Luke lying beside him and how he wanted nothing more than to return the favour to Luke if he could. He would just have to wait for another time - they planned to be friends for a long time, so they had all the time in the world. 

His small smile spread into a grin… friends with benefits. Now he never had to feel bitter about girls never liking him enough to have sex with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm kind of making Michael seem like nothing but a horny guy but, idk haha. Thanks for reading :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This includes smut of the sub/dom kind. If that's not your thing you don't have to read it, though the sexual relationship between Michael and Luke will be this way throughout. :)

When Luke opened his eyes the next morning the first thing he was aware of was the fact that he was alone… in Michael’s bed. For a moment he was confused, like he knew Michael should be there beside him but he didn’t really know why, until memories came flooding back into his mind. Flashing images running through his thoughts like a movie of his first time, Michael taking his virginity, their bodies colliding and falling asleep beside him. The weirdest thing about it all was that he and the boys had all practically slept on top of one another before, but after making love to Mikey they had slept as far away from one another as possible. 

Shaking his head a little, Luke sat up, he was naked under Michael’s duvet. He couldn’t call it ‘making love’ he scolded himself. It was just friendly fucking. That stung slightly but he had to toughen up. Internally he was yelling at himself for even being upset that he had woken up alone. Though honestly he had always imagined the aftercare of his first time as being perfect. Instead he had fallen asleep alone and nervous and woken up alone and regretful. No, not regretful. He didn’t regret it in the slightest, in fact it had been perfect if a little rough - apparently roughness was something he was into. It was just… strange. 

Getting out of Michael’s bed, he smoothed out the duvet, making it neater than it had probably been since their first night moving in. He was made aware of his naked body again and he couldn’t find his boxers that he had been wearing. Without really thinking about what he was doing, he crossed the room to Michael’s dresser and pulled out some spiderman boxers. He pulled them on and left the bedroom wearing only them, not caring enough to find a T-shirt. Heading downstairs, he could hear some old Green Day album playing out full blast from the kitchen - alongside the stereo system was Michael, eating a bag of doritos. It was stupid, but Luke felt his heart speed up slightly when he laid his eyes on his favourite redhead. He was wearing a shirt and some boxers, and he smiled when he saw Luke. 

“Are those my boxers?”

Luke shrugged shyly, eyes darting round the room nervously. 

“Cal and Ash aren’t here.” Michael said as if reading Luke’s mind. 

Still not saying anything, Luke just nodded his head and walked across the room to the fridge, pulling out a carton of orange juice, opened it and drank from it greedily without even bothering to get a cup. 

“Are you okay?” The words sounded almost clumsy coming from Michael’s mouth - he didn’t usually ask people if they were okay, not directly, it made him feel uncomfortable to discuss feelings or the like.

Luke didn’t reply until he had replenished fully, and he tossed the now empty carton into the bin. “Yeah.”

“Are you sure?” Michael pressed. “Are you… are you regretting last night?”

At those words, Luke turned quickly to face his friend, shaking his head. He stayed far away though, not wanting to go too close incase he got the urge to kiss him. This morning Michael looked extra good. He had his after sex glow about him, his eyes were bright and his lips were especially plump, he even had some colour in his cheeks which was rare for him. 

“No. I’m not regretting anything.”

“Good.”

There’s another uncomfortable silence through the music, which Luke quickly broke by getting out of his short trance staring at Michael and going to get a box of cereal, eating it straight from the box. 

“You taking a stand against bowls and cups?” Michael asked with a teasing smile. 

Luke rolled his eyes, “Nah. Just saves washing up.”

“True.” Michael agreed with a shrug, speaking through a mouthful of doritos. “You know, I swear Cal and Ash were holding hands under the table when I walked in here earlier.”

Luke smiled tightly, moving to sit beside Michael and resting his chin on his hand. “Good. It’s about time those two got together.”

“Yeah.”

They were quiet for a while, neither boy sure of what exactly they should be saying to one another. How did they act? The clue was in the term ‘friends with benefits’ - just continue acting as friends. Truthfully Michael didn’t seem very uncomfortable, he’s just not always the most conversational, Luke was the only one finding things awkward. Probably because he was madly in love with Michael Clifford and he felt like his life was slowly coming to an end. 

“Michael?” Luke asked nervously, shuffling slightly closer to the redhead. 

Michael glanced up, looking sidewards at the younger boy and frowning slightly when he noticed the nerves on Luke’s face. “Yeah?”

“I was just wondering - is it- were you…”

“Spit it out, Lukey.” Michael pressed him but he was teasing, a small smile ghosted across his face. “You don’t have to be nervous about anything with me. Everything between us is pretty out in the open right now.” 

Luke’s eyes widened at that, his face heated up as it flamed undoubtedly bright red. He sat back in his seat, pulling the sleeves of his sweater down over his hands to make paws. Evidence was showing that he was still nervous despite Michael’s odd attempt at humor, so the redhead moved even closer, putting his arm gently around Luke’s shoulders. 

“Hey, what is it?” 

Luke chewed on his lip, not sure if he wanted to embarrass himself by asking the lame question on his mind. It was just because he couldn’t really believe the previous night had actually happened. He had lost his virginity to Michael Clifford… what was bothering him was the fact that he was in love with Michael but to Michael he was just someone to fuck. Even so, he wouldn’t let that stop them now. He had enjoyed last night, it had been slightly painful but his first time was bound to be. Maybe it would hurt him emotionally too, the relationship about to spark between the two of them was likely to be very unhealthy. But through the bad he would be able to be close with Michael like he had never been able to be before and that appealed to him more than he could imagine. 

“I was just wondering,” he spoke in a small voice, eyes glued to the countertop. “...If you’re serious about the whole thing.”

“The thing?” Michael prompted, smirking. 

“The friends with benefits thing.” Luke confirmed in a rush, slightly embarrassed at those words. 

Beside him, Michael giggled his inhumanely cute giggle. Surprising the younger boy, he ran his fingers through the beautiful blonde strands of hair, and stroked the backs of his fingers across Luke’s jawbone. 

“I’m definitely serious, Luke, boy, I’m serious.” 

Luke couldn’t help a smile from escaping, he was glad Michael was so certain about the fact that he wanted Luke sexually. 

“Let’s be honest here Lukey,” Michael lowered his head so that he could murmur into Luke’s bare shoulder, “You’re excellent in bed.”

His breath against Luke’s skin tickled, so the younger boy couldn’t repress the giggle that escaped from his throat. Did Michael actually just say that to him? Yes he did. He had imagined words like that being said to him by his crush for so long and now it was finally happened. No, maybe not in the circumstances he had been hoping for, but happening nonetheless. Still smiling, Luke resolved that he would no longer compare the friends with benefits relationship to the boyfriend/boyfriend relationship and he would no longer feel bitter that he couldn’t call Mikey his boyfriend. At least is was something, at least he could make Michael happy in the best ways imaginable. 

“You’re not so bad yourself.” Luke replied, hoping that he sounded even the slightest bit flirtatious. 

He didn’t think so, but Michael placed a kiss onto the bare skin of his shoulder, and then stepping off of his stool he continued kissing all across Luke’s exposed chest. It was a surprise but Luke definitely wasn’t going to complain. Every single kiss that Mikey placed sent bursts of passion and lust through his skin, heating him up. 

“Maybe it’s time that I repay the favour…” Michael breathed teasingly, “You’ve blown me twice now.” 

The redhead was making his way down even further, he walls close to falling to his knees on the kitchen tiles, his lips dangerously close to the waistband of Luke’s boxers. Rolling his head back, Luke exhaled, man Michael was good at turning him on. He would have quite happily allowed Michael to have his face fucked, but then a memory returned to his head of Michael mentioning sucking dick wasn’t exactly his thing. 

“No, no need to repay the favour.” Luke gasped, his cock was already hardening through the material of his borrowed boxers. “I want to make you feel good, Mikey. Let me make you happy.” 

Slightly confused, Michael frowned as he straightened up, but he nodded all the same. For a moment he was studying Luke’s face a bit too close, but then the corner of his mouth twitched up into a smile. 

“Wow. It’s like my very own slave.” 

Luke didn’t really expect the words that came out of his mouth next, and for a moment he was worried about how Mikey would take it - “I can be whatever you want me to be, Mikey. I’ll be your slave and you can tell me exactly what you want. Whatever you want… I’ll make it happen.” 

There was a short silence, the album had stopped playing so they could just hear one another’s ragged breaths. 

“Who knew?” Mikey said at last, grinning even wider. “Little Lukey is a submissive. What could I make you do, slave?” He emphasised the last word, speaking in a raspy drawl. 

Luke cracked a devilish grin. “The possibilities are endless.” 

 

Michael kicked his bedroom door open, not wanting to take his hands off of Luke as the two of them tripped and stumbled down the hallway, lips locked. They hadn’t even had sex that long ago but it felt like a lifetime since Michael had been touched and he was desperate to put Luke’s promise at giving Michael anything to good use. He wasn’t sure if he had ever disclosed the fact to Luke that the idea of dominating somebody was just so appealing to him, but somehow Luke liked the idea of being dominated. They were the perfect pair for friends with benefits. He pushed Luke slightly roughly down onto the bed and was straddling over him within a second, placing kisses all down Luke’s torso. 

“Luke,” he murmured into the younger boy’s skin. “Call me Sir.” 

Luke didn’t even hesitate, as Michael continued to kiss his skin, now he was around the area of his dick, his lips caressing everywhere they could. The blonde pushed his head back into the pillow, arching his back. “Yes, Sir.” 

“Good boy.” 

In one swift movement, Michael had got up from the bed and was standing beside it, smirking as he watched Luke’s confusion whilst he wasn’t even sure yet of where his new master had gone. 

“On your knees in front of me, Hemmings.” 

Slowly, Luke sat up, leaning back onto his elbows. Then he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and he was on his knees in no time, wearing nothing but Michael’s boxers. 

Michael grinned, “Take my boxers off for me.” 

With fumbling fingers, Luke took the waistband of Michael’s own boxers and pulled them down, leaving them at the older boy’s ankles. He stepped out of them and his giant cock sprung free, even after the two occasions within the past week of seeing Michael naked, Luke still looked hungry and surprised when he laid eyes on Mikey’s member. Not even bothering to let Luke try and take control, Michael tangled his fingers into Luke’s hair roughly and thrust his beastly cock into Luke’s mouth. Immediately he hit the back of the younger boy’s throat and he grinned with satisfaction at the small choked gasp that his slave released. Whilst directing Luke’s head, Michael got started on his rules. 

“Now Luke, I will have a contract drawn up as soon as possible.” Michael said, only half joking - he was planning on drawing up a friends with benefits contract that would most likely include some of his new sex slave rules. “However, I have some rules for you; 

Number one, whenever we are engaging in sexual activity, you will call me Sir. Not Mikey or Michael or baby, anything of the sort and you will receive a punishment. Yes, I have a spanking kink. 

Number two, you will not tell anybody about our new relationships. That being friends with benefits or submissive and dominant. This is our little secret. 

Number three, never treat me like a master when we are out of the bedroom. Nobody can get suspicious. 

Number four, since you have told me you wish to be my slave, I will treat you as such. However, if anything ever gets too much, you tell me. We will use a traffic colour system; green means you’re good, amber means you need me to ease up slightly, red means stop. Do you understand?” 

At that moment Luke had a thick length shoved to the back of his throat so deep that he couldn’t possibly say a word. However, when he did not respond to Michael’s final question, the master grew irritated. Roughly, he pulled Luke’s head off of his dick and jerked his chin up, so that from where he sat on his knees he could look into Michael’s eyes. 

“Understand?” 

“Yes I understand.” Luke replied, shaking slightly but he smiled. “Yes sir.” 

Michael nodded to show his approval, grinning. “Good. Colour?” 

“Green.” 

“Then let’s get to it.” 

Michael had Luke back on the bed within a second, on his stomach just like he had been the previous night. He took the boxers that Luke had borrowed from him in his fingers and pulled them down, revealing Luke’s perfect arse. 

“Don’t you dare come, slave, or I swear…” 

“Yes sir. I mean, no sir, I won’t.” 

“Good.” 

Michael didn’t give any warning, he didn’t even lube himself up or bother with a condom before thrusting himself into the younger boy. Luke let out a gasp of pain, given the fact that he had only ever been fucked up the arse once before. Just like it had done the first time though, the pain slowly turned to pleasure, slightly painful pleasure. He winced in discomfort but also moaned as Mikey hit him right where he needed it. 

“Oh Sir,” he gasped, “That feels so good.” 

Mikey didn’t speak, pretty much straight away he had released his hot seed into Luke and he was gasping at the sensation of feeling his new master inside of him. The older boy pulled out of Luke and then fell down onto the bed next to Luke. 

“In future I will have to punish you whenever you speak out of turn,” Michael said softly, smiling. “But I’ll make an exception.” 

Luke couldn’t speak, he was breathless and he felt like his arse would soon have a lovely purple bruise on it from where Michael was pounding into him so hard. 

“Colour?”

“Definitely green.” Luke whispered, “Man, that was good.” 

Michael grinned, “I agree.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The devilish grin thing - I'm kind of sorry. Had to sneak it in there somehow ;)


	7. Chapter 7

Three months later - L.A. 

It’s late. Really late, coming up to 4 a.m. Michael tosses in his bed, unable to sleep. Insomnia is his new biggest enemy and it’s becoming impossible to deal with. He never goes to Luke, that’s like some unspoken agreement. His sub just always manages to know when Mikey needs him, and he is always there to pleasure him. But not now, not whilst he is awake in the middle of night when everybody else is sleeping. 

Heaving a sigh, Michael kicks his duvet off of his body again, he’s sweltering hot under the heat. He’s starting to wish he hadn’t started thinking about Luke, he’s beginning to have bad, dirty thoughts which he really shouldn’t be having. This relationship with Luke confuses him daily. He loves having Luke there, he loves the sex that they have and the fact that they can still be friends. However, there’s the between bits. With friends with benefits, their comes… confusion. He’s not sure when to think of Luke as a friend or as his own personal sex toy and at the moment, the line is blurring. 

Originally, to Michael, it had just been sex and that was it. No feelings attached. But then the cuddles started, both of their naked bodies pressed against one another, and the rare times Mikey accidentally overworked Luke during sex and he had to comfort him. Comforting Luke bought butterflies to his stomach as he held the boy close to him, and he would place forbidden kisses on the younger boy’s lips or against his forehead. 

He tries to stop himself from getting out of bed, but he can’t help it. He needs to see Luke, right now. Not because he wants to have sex, he’s too tired for that. He just… recently, Luke’s been a comfort. Michael hasn’t been his best lately, moving from London to L.A made him miss home even more, he’s been sad and unable to sleep and his friend has become almost like an anchor to his sanity. Nights spent with him are the only thing that keep Michael in touch with himself. 

Leaving his bedroom, Michael avoids a dodgy floorboard outside of Calum’s room (he can hear Cal and Ash moaning through the wood of the door) and knocks on Luke door. Honestly he was expecting Luke to be sleeping but when he presses his ear to the door he can hear a faint strumming of guitar, though it stops when he knocks. 

“Yeah?” A tired voice calls in response, and Michael pushes the door to. 

Luke is sitting shirtless on the end of his bed with his guitar in his lap. Michael inhales sharply, even after the past three months, seeing Luke’s body still takes his breath away. He’s just so beautiful, and Michael can never understand when Luke says that he thinks he is fat or anything of the sort. 

“Oh, hey Mikey.” Luke smiles wide, placing the guitar down. “Or is this a Sir meeting?” 

Entering the room properly and closing the door, Michael shakes his head and silently crosses the room, sitting down behind Luke, his back leaning against the pillows of the unmade bed. 

“No,” he mumbles sleepily at last, when Luke turns to look at him with confusion clear on his face. “I just… I can’t sleep.” 

“You want me to…?” Luke asks uncertainly, pointing at Michael’s dick through his sweatpants in an almost comical way, but Michael’s too tired to laugh. 

“No, you carry on playing.” Michael tells him, waving a hand. “I just wanted to come see you.” 

For a moment Luke looks unsure, but then he smiles again and picks the guitar back up. He turns his body to be facing the older boy properly, even though Michael’s eyes are already closing. Seeing Luke always soothes him, he can’t really explain why. It just does. 

Luke’s playing is gentle, he’s playing an old Bright Eyes song - First Day Of My Life. It’s soft and sweet and just what Michael needs. Like always, the music Luke makes is beautiful and when he starts singing, in almost a whisper, it’s like a lullaby. Even lying with his eyes closed and now near to sleep, Michael can’t help but smile. He’s always liked Luke’s voice, but since they became even closer, it’s just become the most beautiful sound in the world to him. 

__________________________

For a while Luke continues to play, long into the near early hours of the morning, quietly so that nobody wakes up. When he’s done, he places the guitar over on it’s stand. He returns to the bed and pulls the duvet over, across Michael’s body so that he is warm. They sleep together a lot, but it’s mostly after they have had sex, Michael always comes to his room when he can’t sleep but usually his method of coping with his insomnia is to just have more sex to tire him out. This feels different, almost forbidden territory, but Luke likes it. 

He climbs into the bed himself, under the duvet and close to Michael, his arm lightly over the older’s waist. He loves Michael, that much is true to him, it has been for a long time. In the dim light of the moon coming through the window he can still see the curves of Mikey’s face and the way that his chest rises with every breath, and he is beautiful. Luke could watch him sleep forever, he could watch him do anything forever and never get bored. Smiling to himself, Luke closes his eyes. That makes him more aware of the sound of Michael’s breaths and the smell of his body and his deodorant and the feel of his skin. It’s not good, the feelings Luke has. They just hurt him, because he can’t be like Michael’s boyfriend. But they don’t feel so bad when it’s like this, the warmth that spreads through him with every flutter of a butterfly’s wing from the sleeping nest in his stomach; the idea of knowing that when he wakes in the morning he will be able to look into those green eyes and feel like he’s being taken to another world, and the love. Nothing but love. It’s the most real thing he has ever felt in his entire existence and he can’t deny himself that one beauty. 

They wake pretty much simultaneously the next morning, both yawning and stretching through tired smiles at one another. 

“I don’t even remember coming here.” Michael says to Luke, “I’m sorry.”

Luke raises his eyebrows slightly, but then he grins and nudges Michael in the side lightly. “Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” the other boy chuckles, and Luke shrugs. 

He didn’t mean to say that. He’s sorry because he cuddled Michael last night which probably means nothing to him, he’s sorry for himself, falling in love with the wrong person. 

They get out of the bed and Michael watches as Luke makes it, he hates making beds. His way of thinking is, what’s the point in making it if we are just going to wreck it later? Luke thinks the same way, but he likes to make it anyway because it looks nicer. He’s all too aware of Michael’s eyes on him though, when he lifts the duvet and shakes it slightly before placing it back down, when he straightens the pillows. It makes him self conscious. His heart races and his palms sweat and it’s pointless. Over the recent months Michael has seen Luke with tears streaming down his face because he has been pounded into so hard, he has seen him moaning out in pain with every spank to his red raw arse. The things that make him most nervous though, are the simple things like when Michael watches him make a cup of tea or when he gets sweaty palms holding Mikey’s hand. 

“What time is it?” the redhead asks, stifling yet another yawn. 

Luke consults the alarm clock on his bedside table, “Coming up to eleven.”

They walk down to the kitchen, their new LA house is so spacious, the majority of the walls in the kitchen are glass and looking out onto their garden. It’s big and it has a pool, one that the boys have all taken great use of. Even so, their rich house is hardly ever filed with any food. They search the cupboards and the fridge for something to eat but they only come across some gone off bread and some mustard. 

“We really need to buy some food.” Luke murmurs, and Michael laughs. 

“Shall we go out?”

“Shopping?”

Michael shrugs his shoulders, “Maybe. But I can’t shop on an empty stomach. Let’s go somewhere for breakfast.”

So ten minutes later Luke is driving them into town so that they can go to one of their favourite diners, Michael is going on about the amazing stacks of pancakes. When the car stops, Michael is still talking so Luke simply sits, watching him and admiring the way the sunlight is reflecting of his porcelain skin and how his hair glimmers in the light. They say that someone looks most beautiful when they are showing their passion for something, and Michael definitely has a passion for pancakes. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Michael asks suddenly, cutting off mid sentence and frowning slightly. 

“Like what?”

“Like that.”

“I’m not looking at you like anything!” Luke insists, holding up his hands in mock surrender. 

Rolling his eyes, Michael tries (and fails) to suppress a grin before putting his hand on the car handle and clambering clumsily out of it. The two of them walk together, hands close to touching but not actually doing so, though their fingers brush every now and again. When they enter the diner they instinctively scan the room for any fans. They love meeting fans, it’s definitely Michael’s favourite part of the band, but sometimes it’s not the best when they try and do something as mundane as eating but they get interrupted countless times. 

“The coast is clear.” Luke states before beginning to lead the way to a corner booth. 

Michael exaggerates rolling his eyes for a second time, “This isn’t a spy movie, Luke.” 

Michael orders for the two of them, pancakes and coffee, and whilst they wait they talk about nothing in particular. Just normal stuff, like the fact that Calum and Ashton are obviously fucking every single night and how they can’t believe they are living in actual Los Angeles and how they are going to be on tour soon. 

“It’s just so weird,” Michael is saying when the waitress delivers their breakfast. “I say this everyday but… how did we get from dumb little youtube videos to having to check for paparazzi everywhere we go?”

“You do say so everyday. And everyday I tell you, yes, it’s mad.” Luke agrees with a grin, drizzling syrup over his pancakes. 

Michael frowns, he hates the way that Luke eats pancakes. Obviously you pour syrup over the pancakes individually so that they all get their fair share of maple. He’s past the point in trying to hammer any sense into the boy - he just does that by fucking him extra hard and telling him to admit he’s wrong in the pancake ways. 

“Why are you smiling so weird?” Luke mutters through a mouthful of food. 

Michael winks, “Thinking about…. things.” 

They continue to talk throughout their pancakes, and when their plates are cleared, Michael looks sheepish. 

“What’s wrong?” Luke demands to know, unhappy whenever Mikey shows any signs of not 100% happiness. 

However, Michael is feeling very happy. He smiles, a small smile - but his small ones are usually the ones that he feels the most. For a second his eyes dart around the diner nervously, but then when it seems that nobody is even aware of their presence, his hand appears on the tabletop. Luke notices and his heart begins to thump again. Mikey’s fingers are edging across the table slowly, timidly. They have held hands before, friendly stuff that never means anything. But this… it just seems intimate. Maybe Luke is trying to make it into more than it is because of his feelings, but when Michael takes his hand, he feels an overwhelming sense of relief. 

Relief from what, he’s not quite sure. Maybe there was a tension between them before, ice that needed to be broken. He lightly squeezes Michael’s fingers, and he squeezes back in response. They’re silent, just smiling. They’re so happy. 

 

Flash 

Luke jerks, his hand flying from Michael’s grip before he is even aware of doing so. Michael is the first to his feet, and he scans in a rush, searching for the source of the flash. It was obviously a camera, and he sees the photographer sneaking away like a shadow. 

“Fucking press.” He muttered, sitting back down on his seat, looking angry. 

Luke is feeling the exact opposite - not anger, worry. Panic and fear, it’s obvious. Michael gets up and moves round the booth, sliding into the seat beside his friend and placing an arm around him lightly. 

“Hey, hey, what’s the matter? Don’t worry about it, press see stuff all the time, nobody cares about it.”

He’s got a point, so much stuff has been said about them and none of it has been true. But the story that will no doubt come from the scene that was just shared between them… it won’t be a lie. It will no doubt talk about some undying love between Michael Clifford and Luke Hemmings of 5sos - two men. Luke Hemmings being one of the men, gay men. That’s what he is most afraid of. He’s terrified of his feelings for Michael not just because they can’t happen but also because… well; because Michael is a guy. And Luke is not gay. He can’t be gay… 

Michael is beside him, his arm around Luke and he is trying to murmur comforts. Luke won’t accept them though. He gets to his feet without a word, and he doesn’t even give Michael a chance to stand. He clambers over the older boy and he is out of the diner and in his car in no time. He drives off, leaving Michael stranded. Usually he wouldn’t care, but now, he’s just… scared. Too terrified of everything that has just happened to think about anything but what the people will think of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this gets kinda bad towards the end... I'm very tired but wanted to get this written and up by tonight! Anyway I hope it was okay :) 
> 
> *It's now in present tense because, well, it's happening in the present haha. I know my timeline of 5sos events is all wrong like the times of them living in L.A and London etc but oh well. 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	8. Chapter 8

Michael is kind of pissed. Luke drove off and left him, as if he was the only one being targeted by the press, and he ended up having to call a car to come and get him - but then fans came and he ended up spending all day with them when he just wanted to see Luke. When he got home at last, Luke refused to see him, he wouldn’t unlock his bedroom door. 

Even so, that doesn’t stop Michael from wanting to run to Luke as he stands in the middle of the living room in a panic, his eyes wide and ringed in huge circles. Just like Michael, he obviously didn’t sleep. They’re too used to sleeping together now that to not do so just feels weird. 

“What’s up, Luke?” Ashton asks, looking up from his laptop where he is tweeting fans. Calum is sat beside him, no space whatsoever between the two boys. 

Luke waves his phone around franticly, too fast for any of the others to possibly be able to read what’s on the screen. Since entering the room Luke has not properly met Mikey’s eyes but he does then, and he looks terrified. 

“Surely you’ve seen? It’s all over twitter and… and…”

Cal and Ash seem to catch on to what he is talking about because they exchange worried glances, but Michael has been playing video games and not checked his phone all morning. “What?” 

Practically throwing the phone at Michael, Luke sits down on an armchair as he watched Michael read. 

Muke out of the closet? he reads out loud, snorting at the title slightly. 

“It’s not funny, Michael!” Luke insists, his face flaming bright red. 

Calum gets up, leaving Ashton reluctantly, and crosses the room to stand by Luke’s side, placing a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Luke, the press post things like this all the time. It doesn’t mean anything…”

“The fans won’t shut up about it!” Luke explodes, getting to his feet and swiping his phone back from Michael’s grasp. “And now everyone is going to think I’m gay or some shit like that!”

“People always say we are gay, Luke.” Ashton points out, smiling slightly in a way he probably means to be reassuring. “There’s loads of creepy edits and stories about us being gay for eachother, and stuff like this is always in the press. We just joke along with it, it’s doesn’t mean anything! Calm down will you?” 

“I will NOT calm down!” Luke yells louder, and his hands tear at his blonde tufts of hair, still a mess from just getting out of bed. “This is bad, really bad.”

“It’s not-”

Luke loses it. He’s freaking out, his heart is pounding harder than ever and he is sweating, reading all of the “Muke is reeeal asdshhfjshhsd yaaaas!!!!!!!!1!!!!!” has been driving him crazy and he’s nervous. He is panicking. People will think he is gay and there is evidence of him holding Michael’s hand. It’s true - the boys always act a little bit gay with one another, that’s just the type of friends they are, and they always tease the fans about it. Things have been said about Muke, Lashton, Cashton, Cake… all of that, and it’s never bothered him. Now though… his feelings for Michael are too real. They shouldn’t be, but they are, and he can’t let them be touched by the public and the press… they just can’t.

“IT IS BAD, ASHTON. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? IF THIS WAS BEING SAID ABOUT YOU AND CALUM?” 

“It is always said about us-” Ashton starts, but Luke shakes his head. 

“YOU TWO ARE OBVIOUSLY TOGETHER THOUGH, YOU OBVIOUSLY LOVE CALUM. DOES IT NOT BOTHER YOU WHEN IT’S USED AS NOTHING BUT A PUBLICITY PLOY?” 

There’s silence. Calum and Ashton are looking from one another, to the floor, then back. Michael is looking at Luke. The youngest of the four is trying to avoid looking at Michael but he can feel his eyes boring into him. Luke gulps, and it feels like his throat is sandpaper or something all of a sudden. 

You obviously love Calum, he had said. He was close to adding something else, something he was refusing to admit. Like I love Mikey. And it had not gone unnoticed. Shaking from his nerves and his anger and his fear, Luke chews awkwardly on his fingernails for a second. 

“I’m gonna go upstairs.” He mutters when the silence is ringing in his ears unbearably. 

 

There is a knock at Luke’s bedroom door. Michael has knocked on it countlessly since he got home yesterday, and he has tried to force the door, but it was locked those times. Now it opens easily and he enters the room. He walks further into the room and sits down awkwardly at the end of Luke’s bed, neither one of the boys meeting the other’s eyes. 

“I spoke to management.” Michael eventually speaks. “Asked them to see about getting that article deleted.” 

Luke says nothing, just closes his eyes. 

“But you know, it won’t really do anything. Fan accounts have undoubtedly screenshot them and everything and there’s loads of articles like that already. They really don’t matter.” 

“I know I’m overreacting.” Luke admits in a small voice, opening his eyes and slowly, gradually moving them to meet Mikey’s. “It’s just… now that there is something between us. It’s not just stupid rumors or anything.”

Gingerly, Michael reaches out a hand and places it on Luke’s leg. As usual, the touch of his skin sends tingles through Luke’s bones and he smiles a little, but it slips quickly. 

“Friends with benefits. We’re just friends, Luke, like we always have been. You don’t have to worry at all.”

Luke wants to argue but he is at risk of saying the complete wrong and stupid thing so he bites his tongue. His eyes close again, he doesn’t want to look at Michael. He’s in too much pain. 

Just friends. Like we always have been.

Over the past few months Luke has thought something has changed between them, they are more than just friends now, they are different. No, not in love or anything, not boyfriend and boyfriend, but something new sparked. Obviously not for both of them though. 

Luke finds it sort of ironic. He’s the one who is hopelessly, pathetically in love and yet he is the one who is freaking out at the prospect of anyone thinking he’s gay. 

“Yeah.” He says after too long of a pause. “Just friends.” 

Michael smiles sadly but he doesn’t say anything else. Instead he shifts to sit fully beside his friend and places an arm gently around him. It feels different to how a friends hold would feel. It feels like an anchor to the universe, their skin touching like a hook to reality, the only thing that helps Luke focus on any thought or feeling. What he is feeling though… he doesn’t want to focus on it. He wants to forget everything. The pain, the uncertainty, the nerves and the fear. It’s too much to bear. 

“Fuck me.” He whispers, and thought it’s near silent only a fool would miss the urgency to his words. “Fuck me senseless until I can’t think.” 

Michael’s eyes darken with lust and hunger and it is so obvious he wants to do as Luke asks. It’s almost impossible, but he manages to shake his head. Luke narrows his own eyes, he doesn’t understand why. 

“You’ve never said no to me before.” He murmurs, and he sits up, turning to face the older boy. He lifts his fingers to the hem of his T-shirt and he starts to lift it over his head, but Mikey stops him. 

“Keep your clothes on.” He insists.   
“Why?” Luke demands to know, glaring suddenly. “You know you want to, sir.” He uses the name knowing it will really test Michael’s ability to say no. 

The struggle is real, it’s obvious that Michael is desperate to agree. He doesn’t though, he shakes his head and gently places a hand against Luke’s cheek, stroking the skin there with his thumb. “Because.”

“That’s a rubbish reason.” Luke scoffs. 

Michael smiles and nods his head, acknowledging his terrible reason. He sits up on his knees, and he holds Luke’s head still between his hands, looking into those beautiful blue eyes. 

“No because you’re only asking me to sleep with you because you’re in a shit mood.”

“I always sleep with you because you’re in a shit mood.” 

“I know.” Mikey nods again. “But I don’t know what kind of things are going through your head right now.” 

Scowling, Luke jerks himself away from Michael’s touch and pulls his knees up to his chest. He looks like a child having a sulk, glaring at the sheets of his bed and hunched up into a tiny ball of frustration. 

“Lay with me.”

“Excuse me?”

Instead of answering, Michael just lays down against the pillows, not under the duvet or anything, and he inclines his head to show where Luke should be, beside him. 

Reluctantly, Luke crawls across the bed and he sinks down too, on his back and staring at the ceiling. He can feel Mikey’s eyes on him and they don’t touch, there is a space between them. It would be so easy for Luke to just stretch his fingers slightly and he could brush them against Michael’s, or he could turn on his side and look into those green eyes that he knows so well. He doesn’t though. It’s like an unspoken challenge - Michael won’t sleep with him. He won’t touch him. They will just lay together but apart and see who is the first to break the resolve of staying apart. 

 

“I’m sorry for holding your hand yesterday.” Michael says quietly. 

Luke turns his head to look at him, raising his eyebrows. “I held your hand too.”

“Yeah but… we should have been more careful. We were bound to be seen together, we always are.” 

Luke is worried still. The article is terrifying him, and so are people’s reactions. People will definitely start to think he is gay, you don’t just hold hands with your friends for no reason. Or maybe you do and he is overreacting. Either way, he does not want Michael to blame himself. 

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m worried about you. You’re obviously freaking out.”

Rolling his eyes slightly, Luke smiles. “I’m calm.”

It’s a lie. He’s not calm, soon he will go back on twitter and see someone say something about Muke being proven real and he will freak out again. However, for now, he is just glad. He’s peaceful and he is with Michael and even if he is desperate to be fucked into the pillows, just being close to the man he loves is enough. 

“Do you promise me?” 

He won’t promise, but he smiles. It seems like the perfect moment to say I love you but he won’t spoil everything, he won’t let himself. He can’t. If he says it, it will be worse than just implying that he almost did, and then Michael and Luke’s friends with benefits relationship would be over. The most terrifying thing to Luke is that it wouldn’t just go back to being friends either, it would just be bandmates. Work friends. That is scarier to him than anything - scarier than his feelings or people thinking he is gay. Not being with Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There should be another chapter up later tonight. A smutty one. 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pure smut ;)

When Luke opens his eyes, he finds that there is still a wide space between him and Michael, though they obviously fell asleep looking into one another’s eyes, both of them are on their sides. It’s early morning, really early - only just coming up to 6 a.m., though to be fair they fell asleep pretty early having not slept well the night before. Despite his hopes, he hadn’t been able to crack Mikey - thus meaning he was incredibly desperate to be fucked instantly. They never went more than a day without having sex and they were on their third now. 

Grinning to himself, Luke thinks of the best way to get Michael to fuck him - and hard. He has to be naughty so that he can be punished like the bad boy he is. One of Michael’s big rules is No Touching. Michael is the only one who is entitled to Luke’s body, not even Luke is. He can’t touch himself sexually because that’s the job of his master. 

Sliding his sweatpants and boxers down, Luke discards them onto the floor and lays back down, with his back against the headboard. With his eyes on Michael’s beautifully sleeping face, he lowers his own hand to take his dick. He’s a little out of practice, he hasn’t needed to masturbate for himself in so long, the only dick he has touched has been Michael’s so at first he’s a little clumsy. Quickly though, he picks it up, and as he speeds up the process of making himself hard, he starts to get impatient. Michael really can sleep through anything… 

Deciding to be as noisy as possible so that his itch is scratched as soon as possible, Luke starts to whimper. He’s very good at being quiet so he is definitely putting it on, forcing the low, sexy moans from his lips. He has no choice but to get louder and louder, and his dick is hardening. Not as fast as it does when Michael is teasing him or punishing him, but it’s happening. Slowly, the sound of his desperate whimpers get through to Mikey and the older boy’s eyelids start to flutter. 

When he opens his eyes, he blinks in the sunlight, he’s the one facing the window and they didn’t shut the curtains so the sun is right on him. He looks slightly disorientated but when his eyes and himself adjusts to the room, his eyes focus on the younger boy. 

“Luke.” He says raspily, his tired voice is so adorable but he still sounds mad.

Michael’s not very good at containing happiness, so when he sees Luke touching himself and looking so hot he almost smiles, but he knows what Luke is doing and he will play along with. Somehow he manages to compose himself and he glares daggers at Luke.

“Luke Robert Hemmings.” Michael growls, getting up to his feet reluctantly, not wanting to leave the comfort of the bed. 

“Yes Sir?” Luke asks, feigning innocence, blinking up at Michael with baby blue eyes. His angelic face is an odd pairing with his hand going at his dick faster than the speed of light. 

Michael walks round the bed so that he can be closer to Luke, and as he looms over the younger boy he glares, furious. “Have you forgotten one of our biggest rules?”

Pretending to think, Luke bites his lip, fiddling with the ring he has there and knowing that it turns Michael on when he does so. “Maybe I did.” He says sweetly, “I can be very forgetful.” 

Stepping closer, Michael leans down so that he can whisper into Luke’s ear, a calm whisper which hides anger and menace. “You’re usually such a good boy, Luke. I’d hate to have to punish you.”

“I’m sorry Sir,” Luke murmurs, not meaning it at all. 

“Maybe I won’t punish you if you remember the rule, and tell me what you have done wrong.” 

Smirking slightly, Luke continues to massage his own dick, tilting his head back in joy and how good it feels. 

“I’m sorry, Sir.” He repeats, “I really can’t remember.” 

In a blur, Michael launches onto the younger boy and he has vice like grips around his wrists in no time, pinning them down on to the bed so that he has to stop touching himself. Straddling Luke’s hips, his naked hips so that Luke’s penis rubs against Michael’s pants, he growls lowly. 

“You’re being very naughty right now, Luke.” Michael says, “And you know I hate it when you are naughty.” 

“I honestly can’t remember.” Luke insists again, lying and grinning at the fact. 

Craning his neck, Michael leans close so that his forehead is close to touching Luke’s, staring into his eyes with fury. “Who’s are you, Luke?” He hisses. 

“Yours.”

“That much you remember,” Michael murmurs with a slight nod, “And who is allowed to touch you?” 

There’s a pause, but when Michael’s grip on his wrists tightens, Luke quickly bites out. “You, master. Only you.” 

Relaxing his hold, Michael climbs off of Luke’s body and walks with the pace of a prowling panther across to the chest of drawers. He opens the bottom one where Luke keeps his toys. 

“So now that we have established that you are mine and only mine,” he says over his shoulder as he pulls out a cock ring, “Can you tell me why you are going to be punished now?”

Seeing what he pulls out, Luke looks at his hard dick with wide eyes, and then back to Michael. “Because I touched myself.” 

“And?” Michael prompts, returning to Luke and sitting beside him on the bed, near his feet. 

“And I’m not allowed to touch myself, only you are. Because I am yours, and I belong to you.” Luke finishes, and Michael smiles in triumph.

Without saying anything more, Michael slides the cock ring over the end of Luke’s thick dick and then gets back up. His hands go to the waistband of his pants and he is pushing them down as Luke licks his lip eagerly. 

The whole time, Michael’s green eyes are flowing to Luke’s blue ones, and he is being slow as can be as he undresses, teasing the younger boy and he knows it is driving him crazy.

“Across the bed, Hemmings. Arse in the air and ready for me.”

Luke does not hesitate for the slightest second, he springs to his feet and then leans across the edge of the bed, excitement tingling through his veins. Michael is behind him soon, and his hands make circles across the pale skin of Luke’s butt that will no doubt soon by scarlet and bright.

“Count.” Michael orders without even having to say what he is counting, or what number he is counting to. 

The first spank collides with Luke’s bare butt and it stings, Michael doesn’t spank Luke a lot. Honestly he doesn’t enjoy it a lot, he always worries that he is going to hurt Luke but the younger boy loves it. Being hit or humiliated, those are the two things that get Luke really hot and he is so happy that Michael is giving one of those things to him today. 

“One Sir,” Luke says, fingers gripping onto the duvet, “Thank you Sir.”

They continue like this, Michael alternating cheeks and also sending the satisfactory pain from the crack of Luke’s butt and the pain is so good. The hits are slow though, because whilst they want it to take a while, Michael doesn’t want to hurt Luke too much. 

“Thirteen Sir, thank you Sir.” Luke cries out, tears stinging his eyes. 

They continue to fifteen and when Michael pulls his hand away fully he only moves slightly to stand fully behind Luke, his own hardening dick teasing at the skin of Luke’s butt. 

“I’m going to fuck you so hard Luke,” he murmurs softly, “And you can’t come. Do you understand?”

“Yes Sir.” 

They’re quiet as Michael preps Luke’s hole. Sometimes he will just pound right into him without any preparation and it will hurt Luke for a while but that’s rare. Michael leans round and puts his fingers to Luke’s lips, telling him wordlessly to open up. The blonde sucks somewhat eagerly on his master’s fingers, making them nice and wet with his own spit. Michael pulls his hand back away and starts to tease Luke’s hole, just the tip of his finger swirling there. Then, gradually, his first finger enters and he is slow as he goes about entering a second. Luke’s own spit preparing him for what’s to come. Mikey starts scissoring his fingers there and Luke moans out with pleasure, loving the feel but still trying to keep quiet. 

When Michael is pretty certain Luke is ready, he pulls his hand away and then roughly twists it through the younger boy’s hair, pulling his head back so that his chin is in the air. His other hand rests on Luke’s hip to hold him steady as his already hard dick enters Luke. 

Right away he is close to hitting just the right spot, Michael is so big that it is never hard for him to find it. 

“Oh sh-shit Mi- I mean, shit Sir.” Luke whimpers, his voice small as his eyes flutter at the sensation. 

“You better not have almost called me by my name, Luke.” Michael purrs, smirking. “Or you would have to be punished even more and you don’t want that…”

“Certainly not.” Luke replies, groaning through his words as Michael’s body continues to collide with his. “Oh man, Sir, p-please don’t st-stop.” 

“I can assure you,” Michael mutters as he continues to pound into his fuck toy, “I don’t intend to stop.” 

And he doesn’t. For what feels like forever his dick is inside of Luke, repeatedly hitting him right where it makes him tremble with pleasure. Luke’s own cock is growing even harder if that’s possible and he feels like he will burst if he is not able to come soon, the ring around it is getting tighter and tighter as he grows more desperate. 

“Luke, tell me what you did wrong.” Michael orders, knowing that Luke is being fucked to near oblivion, he can barely focus on anything yet alone forming words. “Tell me why you are being punished.”

“I- I touched myself when I’m n-n-not allowed to.” Luke whispers, his words so quiet in contrast to his near to shrieking moaning. “Be-because you are my m-master Sir. And you’re the only one who is allowed t- oh that feels so good - to touch m-me, Sir.” 

“That’s right.” Michael agrees, and at that very moment without so much as a warning he comes. 

His hot seed spreads through Luke and it’s almost like a taunt - his master is allowed to come all he wants and he isn’t. Roughly, Michael pulls out of his slave, shaking his cock as he does to make sure that all of his juices are gone. He’s not done yet though, he walks around to the other side of the bed and then climbs onto it, on his knees with his member teasing right before Luke’s face. 

“I’m gonna fuck your face, Hemmings.” He says softly, his hand returning to hold onto the younger boy’s hair. “You’re going to swallow my come, my come is going to be inside of you from head to toe and you’re not even allowed to release yourself once. That’s what naughty boys get.”

Luke opens his mouth to say something, to apologise to his master once again for misbehaving, but the moment his lips part Michael is thrusting himself into the boy’s mouth. Moaning around his master’s length, Luke allows his head to be directed by Mikey’s hold on his hair, sucking it good and proper. Michael is so big that one movement can cause Luke to choke on his dick. He loves the sound of Luke gagging around his member though, it only makes him harder. Seeing his slave deepthroating is enough to make him go crazy, and he loves it. 

“That’s right,” he coos, “Choke on me.” 

And indeed Luke does - because already Michael is hard again and he blows his load right down the younger’s throat. Doing his best to keep from pulling a face, Luke swallows the bitter liquid, and only when he has managed to get it all down Michael releases his hold once more and allows Luke to pull his mouth off. 

“Good boy.” Michael murmurs, stroking the back of his hand against Luke’s cheek. 

Those beautiful blue eyes look up at him through yellowy eyelashes and Luke smiles. 

“Thank you, Sir.” 

Michael doesn’t have to ask, Luke knows what is about to happen when his dom simply puts a hand to his shoulder and he is lying down without a pause for help, his ready to burst dick huge and ready. Seeing him do this, Michael smirks again. 

“You really think you deserve to be allowed to come, Hemmings?”

Luke nods, desperation clouding his thoughts so that he finds it difficult to speak. He bites on his lip and only moans again when Michael orders him to beg for it. 

“Please, Sir. Please let me come, I need to come. I am begging you… I will be such a good boy. I will never be naughty again.”

Both of them know that’s a lie but it always is, and Michael loves it. He’s agonisingly slow as his hand traces patterns from Luke’s cheek to his bare chest to the tops of his pale thighs and finally to his dick. It reacts to Michael’s touch of course, anticipation for being able to let loose once more. Michael slides the cock ring off, it’s a bit of a struggle because it is so tight against Luke’s hard dick but the moment it does, Michael’s hand wraps around Luke’s dick. He is the only one who is allowed to touch Luke meaning it is also up to him to aim it. 

Winking, Michael aims it so that he knows it will make a mess whilst avoiding the sheets of the bed as best as possible. The sticky liquid oozes from Luke’s tip and covers his naked stomach. Luke lets out a moan of pleasure and Luke grins. 

“Good boy.”

“Thank you, Sir.” Luke whispers, and Michael swirls a finger through the mess on Luke’s stomach. He coats it in Luke’s juices and then lifts it to his slave’s lips. He opens his mouth and doesn’t protest whatsoever, sucking his own pleasure up greedily. 

Smiling then, breaking his master persona, Michael leans forward and places a sweet and tender kiss to the corner of Luke’s lip. 

“Thanks Mikey.” 

“Oh, you’re very welcome.” Michael insists, and then he places a proper kiss against the boy’s lips. 

Luke knows it doesn’t mean anything to the older boy but he cannot help himself, leaning into it and licking his lips, savouring every single kiss and every single touch, as usual. I love you, he thinks, but he says nothing.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've not updated in a few days. Writers block is hitting me bad for this particular story haha

It’s been a couple of days since Luke discovered the latest news articles querying about Muke and he is still tense. During the nights Michael has been able to help him relax (or try to), but during the days when they are all together he is tense and jumpy and snaps at everything and anyone. 

Calum has just asked Luke if they can get together soon to write some new songs and he has lost it. 

“I don’t know, Calum!” He yells, and Calum flinches back slightly. 

The youngest of the band is quite clearly exhausted, the shadows around his eyes are obvious proof of that and he’s always angry when he is tired. Michael wants to get up and put an arm around him or something but knows that will just result in him also getting yelled out, and also, Calum is right _there _so he can’t, really.__

__Not that Calum and Ashton are oblivious to the relationship between Michael and Luke. They aren’t really in the know, but they must hear the two boys moaning in the night, and they must notice that they always wake up in one another’s bed. They never speak about it though, because Luke and Michael don’t ask about them. There is an unspoken agreement - even though Cal and Ashton pretty much act like boyfriends, they only speak about what they want to._ _

__Despite this face, though, Michael doesn’t get up to try and comfort Luke until Calum leaves, looking offended at being yelled at. The redhead gets up when they are alone and crosses the room slowly, placing a gentle arm to Luke’s shoulder._ _

__“You know, nobody is even talking about Muke anymore. It’s all about Cashton in that interview from the other day.” He says softly, trying to comfort Luke as best as he can._ _

__Even so, it doesn’t seem to know. Luke just shakes Michael’s hand off of him and moves to sit on the sofa, placing his head in his hands. He’s stressing out about it way too much, and it actually hurts the older boy, to see his friend in such despair. Timidly, he returns to Luke’s side, sitting down on the sofa too and gently placing a hand on the blond boy’s knee, moving it in small circles from his knee and up to his thigh._ _

__“Lukey,” he speaks, almost pleading, “Is it _really _that bad?”___ _

____“Yes.” Luke snaps in reply, moving away from Michael’s touch like it burns._ _ _ _

____Michael shakes his head, clearly disagreeing. Ignoring the fact that Luke clearly wants to be on his own, he just slides along the couch so that he is once again beside the other boy. “No, it’s _not. _People always suspect shit like this, and it never matters. There’s nothing between us, it’s not like they are outing us and we have something to be ashamed of.”___ _ _ _

______Maybe those weren’t the right words, Mikey realises almost too late, because Luke glowers at him in such a pissed off manner it could burn a hole right through Mikey’s chest._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s never been a big deal before…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“But it _is _a big deal, Michael!” Luke yells, losing it for the millionth time, flying to stand on his feet and throwing his hands up in the air. “I can’t have anyone think I’m gay!”___ _ _ _ _ _

________Michael understands that in a way, but he is still in despair over the whole thing himself. He raises his voice too, “They’ve _always _said shit like this about all of us! And nobody cares about it!”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m not gay.” Luke says in a much quieter voice, almost a whisper now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________That’s not really what Michael was expecting… Luke sounds _afraid. _If he enjoys sucking Michael’s dick so much, then he’s definitely not 100% straight. Maybe that’s what is bothering him, he’s insecure because he is realising maybe he _is _wrong, and he _is _gay._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

______________“I am _not _gay.” He repeats, walking backwards and away from Michael.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He sinks onto the opposite chair, shaking. He’s actually _shaking, _the poor guy is terrified._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

________________Slowly, Michael nods. He doesn’t understand because there is nothing wrong with being gay and Luke clearly is something but… even if it’s not a big deal to Michael, he supposes other people fear judgement or their own feelings. Luke has never cared before though, !!!never._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He parts his lips to speak, but they are interrupted by the door opening. Ashton enters the living room with absolute glee._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“We reached number 1!” he yelled, actually cheering. “Our single is fucking number one! Can you believe it?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It’s great news, the _best _news… but neither Michael or Luke are smiling. They look the complete opposite of proud, just staring at the ground and then each other and then back to their feet. If Ash notices though, he doesn’t say anything. He runs around the room, ruffling both boys’ hair and messing it up, and then running to tell Cal. He stops in the doorway as he leaves, turning round, “Celebrating right away! Be ready in an hour, we’re having a party!”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He disappears and Luke and Michael exchange looks. The looks are unclear though, none of them really know what to think. Wordlessly they both shuffle towards the door and go up to their rooms to get ready… Luke is naked and about to step into their shared shower that links from both of their rooms when Michael walks in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Mikey, what the fuck-” Luke starts, his hands automatically flying to cover up his manhood but then he remembers it’s nothing the other boy hasn’t seen before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I have to talk to you.” Michael says, eyes not even straying to look at Luke’s naked body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Okay…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Michael hesitates and looks sort of surprised, like he was expecting Luke to tell him to get lost. When he composes himself, he frowns slightly and looks thoughtful, but then he shouts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Luke, you are being fucking ridiculous! We’re 5 seconds of summer, of course there are going to be news articles like this! There’s so many different pieces of shit targeting two of us as being together and it’s fine! We just laugh it off and move on… but _you _are just....” he stops to take a breath, and he doesn’t seem to care that Luke looks like he is about to burst into tears. “You’re being fucking ridiculous, Luke. Making such a big deal about it isn’t helping anyone. This-” he gestures between the two of them, “-is just a stupid dirty little secret. Stop being so butthurt about it! It’s not like we are together or anything and I’m sick of you being so weird about everything.”  
Luke wants to argue… he’s allowed to be upset. Why is Michael having a go at him for being tired and upset? He’s allowed to be self conscious because he _can’t _be gay… if his family read that article… he shakes his head, not wanting to even think about what they would say._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Yes, there had been articles like this before. But this one, about _them _, he thought it was different because there actually was something to be hidden. Not just a ‘dirty little secret’.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“So stop being such an asshole about everything.” Michael finishes, and he actually looks sort of proud. “Get ready to celebrate, Luke. We’ve won, we did good. Stop acting like a fucking wounded animal because of some secret between us. It’s just a bit of fun and you’re making out like somebody tore your heart out.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Luke flinches, like he has just been slapped in the face. Michael’s being harsh for no reason… he’s upset about something. And instead of cuddling him close, telling him everything is going to be alright, Michael’s just shouting. Making out like his sadness is pointless and worthless. That _hurts.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Michael turns and leaves again, leaving Luke to shower. As he stands beneath the hot water he can’t help but cry. Tears stream down his face and he knows Michael is right, he’s being so fucking pathetic… but he’s hurting._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________He loves Michael._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Michael doesn’t love him. If he did he would try and understand what was making Luke unhappy and he would tell him it’s okay. He would hug him close and make love, not in a kinky sub/dom way but just !!!!love. He would wipe Luke’s tears and kiss him on the head goodnight. Instead, they’re a dirty little secret. If Michael can’t sleep, if _he _needs comfort, that’s when they act different. To him, Luke is nothing. Just a friend to fuck.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________And all along Luke has known this but it still feels like a kick to the stomach and like he’s about to throw up. He’s not gay but he loves Michael. Maybe he is gay, who the fuck cares, the truth is though that he’s forever going to be loving somebody who sees him as just an easy bed. It fucking _kills _him.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of badly written. I know where I'm taking it, I know the story and the points, I'm just not doing too well at connecting the dots right now. I hope it was okay though :)


	11. Chapter 11

Michael is hating himself more than anything. He can’t believe he was so harsh towards Luke. One of his best friends and he had just made him feel like _he _was an idiot for being sad… he’s such a jerk. He’s just too scared… they are friends with benefits and Luke is getting too attached. He can’t let the younger boy get hurt, he just _can’t _, he had to find a way to let Luke know that there would be no feelings attached ever. There can’t be.____

____He rests his head against the glass of the window, watching the outside world as the car he and Calum are in drives to the club. They are quiet, but Calum clearly wants to say something. He probably heard Michael shouting and wants to tell him to stop being such a dick._ _ _ _

____Sighing loudly, Michael thinks about ways he could have possibly been a bit nicer to Luke. He could have gently reminded him that they are friends with benefits and there can’t be any love or anything like that. No, he had to shout and make Luke think he’s wrong for having any fucking feelings. Luke’s going through something, clearly, feeling insecure about what him and Mikey are doing. He won’t admit that he is _gay _for Christ’s sake.___ _ _ _

______“Michael.” Calum starts in a quiet voice, “Can I ask you something?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Dreading it already, Michael rolls his eyes. He doesn’t want to answer, but then again, he doesn’t _have _to, he can just hear the question anyway. “Okay.”___ _ _ _ _ _

________“...um. You… is there something going on with you and Luke?” He blurts out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________No shit sherlock _Michael thinks to himself, but he knows Calum is just curious. “Something.” He replies shortly.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It’s just, that um, Luke’s been acting kind of mad lately. And… he looked like he had been crying just now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Great Calum, Michael thinks to himself, just remind me of what a dick I am. He bangs his head a few times against the glass, he doesn’t want to talk about it at all. He feels terrible._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You would tell us, right?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Like you and Ash tell us everything?” Michael replies nastily, but Calum doesn’t seem affected by his sour mood in the slightest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“If something really bad was happening…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It’s nothing really bad,” Michael mutters. _Just me being a complete dick, as always, _he reminds himself. “Just… stuff.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Calum nods again, slow and concerned. Michael wants to tell him to mind his own business because he doesn’t even know what’s going on. A couple of days ago they (Michael and Luke) had been getting breakfast like friends and sleeping together and suddenly one pathetic, stupid news article spoils everything. Luke is insecure about his feelings and being gay, that much is clear. Michael just made everything worse, as he always does._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________However, he’s not good at holding things in, either. He really _wishes _he was, but Michael is actually the most emotional and pathetic in the entire band, probably.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“It’s… we’re best friends and I really think he is such a great friend, Calum. So nice, and then he sucked my dick and it was so good and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Not like, in a romantic way, just fucking him. And then I asked him if he wanted to be friends with benefits and he said yes so we have been sleeping together for ages now, it started in _London _, and now this stupid article about Muke came out and Luke just shut down! He’s been sleeping with me still but that will probably stop from now on anyway,” he pauses for a short breather, “And he’s been snapping and being all moody but then I realised something, I realise that it probably means a lot more to Luke than it does to me. He’s always doing sweet things and singing me to sleep and shit like that and somehow I didn’t even realise that he is really nice and he sees me as more as just a fuck buddy but that’s all that I see _him _as! And then, to try and stop him from liking me like _that _I meant to just talk to him and tell him that there’s no love or anything, apart from friendship. But he was pissing me off because why does he even like me? I’m just me, I don’t want to be dealing with shit like _feelings _, so I got kind of frustrated and I just shouted at him. And then he looked like he was about to cry because I called him a dirty little secret.”_________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He speaks in a rush, all those words escaping his lips in under a minute and then his eyes widens as he realise he just told Calum everything, stuff Luke might not want anyone knowing about. Cursing himself mentally, Michael slumps back against the seat, closing his eyes. Calum looks shocked to say the least. He was probably expecting a one word answer as to why their friend had been crying, not Michael’s entire life story._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Um. Maybe you shouldn’t have called him a dirty little secret if you had just realised he likes you a lot, Michael.” Calum suggests, but his voice shakes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“OH, that’s a _great _help, Cal.” Michael snaps, “Let me just go back in time and fix all of this.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Calum sighs loudly, not sure what to say, that much is clear. Neither is Michael really. Everything has just escalated way too much within the space of a few days and he has no idea how to deal with it. Secretly Mikey wishes that Calum would hold him because he is about to lose it, how can one photo just make everything fall to crap? No, he doesn’t want Cal to hold him, he wants _Luke _to… yeah. Like that would happen.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Oh Michael.” Calum murmurs, and he places his hand lightly to Mikey’s leg, as if to show that he is there. He probably senses Michael is trying not to cry._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“What the fuck do I do?” Michael asks into the quiet, feeling weak because he never asks for help but at the same time, he just really wants to make things right again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Um. Well… apologise. Tell Luke he’s more than just a dirty little secret-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“I can’t.” Michael interrupts, sounding exasperated as he slumps down even further into the seat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“You _have _to if you want to make things better, Mikey.” Calum insists gently.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________Michael knows he is right. He doesn’t like to admit when Calum is right but he usually is, unfortunately. He’s so lucky to have a friend like Calum though, and he knows that. Anyone else would be judging him like crazy right now for being such a dick._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Tell him you love him. Because you _do _Mikey. I’m not telling you in what way, but you do, and right now Luke needs to know that. He loves you a lot.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Hollowly, Michael laughs. He is such a fucking idiot. He can’t tell Luke he loves him, but Cal is right and Luke deserves some kind of explanation. In that moment, Michael decides he is going to cut off the benefits part of their friendship. He’ll miss the sex like crazy but if he doesn’t, he will end up missing Luke in general and he can’t have that. He can’t lose him. Why does Luke have to be in love with him? he wonders. He’s horrible, he’s stupid and an idiot and he ruins everything and he is a massive dick. Stupid Luke._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________They arrive at the club and get out of the car, knowing Luke and Ashton are already inside because they left a while before and also, Cal and Mikey got trapped behind loads of traffic. It’s still kinda early but even so, the moment they enter the building they are overwhelmed by loud and crappy dance music. Without saying anything to his friend, Michael immediately makes his way across to the bar because he really needs a drink. As he waits for his cocktail, Michael sees something from the corner of his eye. His first instinct is to duck and hide when he sees Luke, he’s not ready to see him yet because he is still recovering from his own major dick move… but then his heart plummets. It sinks to the bottom of his stomach because Luke is not alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________He is talking to some random girl, his hand is on her leg and he is smiling. She is running a hand through his blonde hair, the blonde hair that belongs to _Michael _because Luke is _his _._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________“Yours, only yours.” Luke would always sigh to him when they were fucking, and there he was, flirting with some random girl._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________Michael’s first instinct is to go over there, and then it is to cry, but then he decides he’s just going to get absolutely hammered. He has no right to be sad if Luke is with someone else, he just acted like a complete jerk. He would just have to punish Luke later that night in bed…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________Except he couldn’t. He had to break everything off, meaning Luke couldn’t be punished. And that he wasn’t Michael’s anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________“On second thoughts,” Michael leaned across the bar to the bartender, “Make that a large one.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing so badly right now, I'm sorry. 
> 
> I'm keeping on with this story, even if it's really crap right now haha. Hopefully it will improve soon. Thanks if you're still reading!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My HTML has gone kinda screwed up in this so my italics etc are not there haha, I'll edit it slightly later but wanted to get a chapter up before I go out :)

Michael is hating himself more than anything. He can’t believe he was so harsh towards Luke. One of his best friends and he had just made him feel like he was an idiot for being sad… he’s such a jerk. He’s just too scared… they are friends with benefits and Luke is getting too attached. He can’t let the younger boy get hurt, he just can’t, he had to find a way to let Luke know that there would be no feelings attached ever. There can’t be.

He rests his head against the glass of the window, watching the outside world as the car he and Calum are in drives to the club. They are quiet, but Calum clearly wants to say something. He probably heard Michael shouting and wants to tell him to stop being such a dick.

Sighing loudly, Michael thinks about ways he could have possibly been a bit nicer to Luke. He could have gently reminded him that they are friends with benefits and there can’t be any love or anything like that. No, he had to shout and make Luke think he’s wrong for having any fucking feelings. Luke’s going through something, clearly, feeling insecure about what him and Mikey are doing. He won’t admit that he is gay for Christ’s sake.

“Michael.” Calum starts in a quiet voice, “Can I ask you something?”

Dreading it already, Michael rolls his eyes. He doesn’t want to answer, but then again, he doesn’t have to, he can just hear the question anyway. “Okay.”

“...um. You… is there something going on with you and Luke?” He blurts out.

No shit sherlock Michael thinks to himself, but he knows Calum is just curious. “Something.” He replies shortly.

“It’s just, that um, Luke’s been acting kind of mad lately. And… he looked like he had been crying just now.”

Great Calum, Michael thinks to himself, just remind me of what a dick I am. He bangs his head a few times against the glass, he doesn’t want to talk about it at all. He feels terrible.

“You would tell us, right?”

“Like you and Ash tell us everything?” Michael replies nastily, but Calum doesn’t seem affected by his sour mood in the slightest.

“If something really bad was happening…”

“It’s nothing really bad,” Michael mutters. Just me being a complete dick, as always, he reminds himself. “Just… stuff.”

Calum nods again, slow and concerned. Michael wants to tell him to mind his own business because he doesn’t even know what’s going on. A couple of days ago they (Michael and Luke) had been getting breakfast like friends and sleeping together and suddenly one pathetic, stupid news article spoils everything. Luke is insecure about his feelings and being gay, that much is clear. Michael just made everything worse, as he always does.

However, he’s not good at holding things in, either. He really wishes he was, but Michael is actually the most emotional and pathetic in the entire band, probably.

“It’s… we’re best friends and I really think he is such a great friend, Calum. So nice, and then he sucked my dick and it was so good and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Not like, in a romantic way, just fucking him. And then I asked him if he wanted to be friends with benefits and he said yes so we have been sleeping together for ages now, it started in London, and now this stupid article about Muke came out and Luke just shut down! He’s been sleeping with me still but that will probably stop from now on anyway,” he pauses for a short breather, “And he’s been snapping and being all moody but then I realised something, I realise that it probably means a lot more to Luke than it does to me. He’s always doing sweet things and singing me to sleep and shit like that and somehow I didn’t even realise that he is really nice and he sees me as more as just a fuck buddy but that’s all that I see him as! And then, to try and stop him from liking me like that I meant to just talk to him and tell him that there’s no love or anything, apart from friendship. But he was pissing me off because why does he even like me? I’m just me, I don’t want to be dealing with shit like feelings, so I got kind of frustrated and I just shouted at him. And then he looked like he was about to cry because I called him a dirty little secret.”

He speaks in a rush, all those words escaping his lips in under a minute and then his eyes widens as he realise he just told Calum everything, stuff Luke might not want anyone knowing about. Cursing himself mentally, Michael slumps back against the seat, closing his eyes. Calum looks shocked to say the least. He was probably expecting a one word answer as to why their friend had been crying, not Michael’s entire life story.

“Um. Maybe you shouldn’t have called him a dirty little secret if you had just realised he likes you a lot, Michael.” Calum suggests, but his voice shakes.

“OH, that’s a great help, Cal.” Michael snaps, “Let me just go back in time and fix all of this.”

Calum sighs loudly, not sure what to say, that much is clear. Neither is Michael really. Everything has just escalated way too much within the space of a few days and he has no idea how to deal with it. Secretly Mikey wishes that Calum would hold him because he is about to lose it, how can one photo just make everything fall to crap? No, he doesn’t want Cal to hold him, he wants Luke to… yeah. Like that would happen.

“Oh Michael.” Calum murmurs, and he places his hand lightly to Mikey’s leg, as if to show that he is there. He probably senses Michael is trying not to cry.

“What the fuck do I do?” Michael asks into the quiet, feeling weak because he never asks for help but at the same time, he just really wants to make things right again.

“Um. Well… apologise. Tell Luke he’s more than just a dirty little secret-”

“I can’t.” Michael interrupts, sounding exasperated as he slumps down even further into the seat.

“You have to if you want to make things better, Mikey.” Calum insists gently.

Michael knows he is right. He doesn’t like to admit when Calum is right but he usually is, unfortunately. He’s so lucky to have a friend like Calum though, and he knows that. Anyone else would be judging him like crazy right now for being such a dick.

“Tell him you love him. Because you do Mikey. I’m not telling you in what way, but you do, and right now Luke needs to know that. He loves you a lot.”

Hollowly, Michael laughs. He is such a fucking idiot. He can’t tell Luke he loves him, but Cal is right and Luke deserves some kind of explanation. In that moment, Michael decides he is going to cut off the benefits part of their friendship. He’ll miss the sex like crazy but if he doesn’t, he will end up missing Luke in general and he can’t have that. He can’t lose him. Why does Luke have to be in love with him? he wonders. He’s horrible, he’s stupid and an idiot and he ruins everything and he is a massive dick. Stupid Luke.

They arrive at the club and get out of the car, knowing Luke and Ashton are already inside because they left a while before and also, Cal and Mikey got trapped behind loads of traffic. It’s still kinda early but even so, the moment they enter the building they are overwhelmed by loud and crappy dance music. Without saying anything to his friend, Michael immediately makes his way across to the bar because he really needs a drink. As he waits for his cocktail, Michael sees something from the corner of his eye. His first instinct is to duck and hide when he sees Luke, he’s not ready to see him yet because he is still recovering from his own major dick move… but then his heart plummets. It sinks to the bottom of his stomach because Luke is not alone.

He is talking to some random girl, his hand is on her leg and he is smiling. She is running a hand through his blonde hair, the blonde hair that belongs to Michael because Luke is his.

“Yours, only yours.” Luke would always sigh to him when they were fucking, and there he was, flirting with some random girl.

Michael’s first instinct is to go over there, and then it is to cry, but then he decides he’s just going to get absolutely hammered. He has no right to be sad if Luke is with someone else, he just acted like a complete jerk. He would just have to punish Luke later that night in bed…

Except he can’t. He has to break everything off, meaning Luke can’t be punished. And that he isn’t Michael’s anymore.

“On second thoughts,” Michael leans across the bar to the bartender, “Make that a large one.”

\- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - -

“So do you want to find some place private?” The blonde girl asks in an almost husky, incredibly sexy voice as she leans closer to Luke, squeezing his thigh lightly.

Involuntarily he lets out a yelp, “Um.”

Before all of this, before he started sleeping with Michael, it would be so easy. He would say yes to the girl because even if he likes guys, he also likes girls and this one is no exception. She’s sexy and looks like she would be great in bed and she is quite clearly interested. But… he just can’t. Most likely Michael wouldn’t even care. He would pretend to so that he could ‘punish’ Luke because they both enjoy that really, but he wouldn’t be made sad. Luke’s nothing to him, not in that way. He has no feelings, he would probably just congratulate Luke on scoring.

Even so, Luke shakes his head, his face blank. The girl frowns, looking at the place where his hand just was, on her thigh, but he quickly drew it away.

“Sorry.” He tries to explain but can’t, so he just shrugs his shoulders lamely.

She gets down off of the bar stool and starts to walk off, leaning closer to his ear as she does so; “Maybe stop wasting people’s time, you dick.” She hisses.

It’s harsh but it’s stupid… that doesn’t stop Luke’s eyes from watering though. Even if she is a girl who he doesn’t even know, her words still sting, and he starts to think maybe he is a dick. Or maybe he’s just way too overly sensitive.

Sighing, he downs the rest of his drink and slides off of his own bar stool, going to find Ashton, or to see if Cal and Michael have arrived. He’ll stay away from Mikey, though, he wants to try and forget about him as best as possible, just for one night. How can he do that though, if he won’t even get with a girl because all he can think about is fucking Michael?

The night progresses and Luke is miserable. He can’t find any of the band, he’s just standing around looking like an idiot slowly getting more and more drunk, the whole time all he can think about is his stupid feelings. Maybe he should go home with some girl. He had actually been pretty intent on taking that girl home just to make Michael jealous, but suddenly the idea of being with anyone but his favourite redhead just felt so wrong. He thinks back to his conversation in the car with Ash on the way over.

”It’s pretty obvious there’s something going on between you and Mikey, Luke;” the older boy had told him sadly, ”but I think you should try and move on from it.”

Truthfully that had annoyed Luke slightly. Ashton knew nothing about him and Michael, he was just assuming things. However, standing in the club with a drink in his hand and feeling sorry for himself, the words just keep playing in his head and he knows that they are true. He should just move on. Break things off with Michael before he gets hurt. Yeah, he has to go and find Michael right now and fix things. Otherwise Michael will just screw him over and his heart will be smashed and everything will once again be shit.

So, with his fuzzy from drinking eyes, he struggles to work his way through the building, bumping into people as he goes and accidentally causing some man to spill his drink. The guy seems to shout at him, but Luke doesn’t even notice. Eventually he sees somebody with red hair over by the bar, and he knows it is Mikey so he starts to hurry over. Grabbing the older boy’s arm, he turns him round.

“You need to stop being a dick to me, Mikey.” He slurs, “I’m allowed to be sad. I’m allowed to have feelings! Where do you get off, huh? Telling me I can’t be- telling me that- I fucking love you Michael and you, you big asshole, just tell me to stop moping about stuff! And this" he gestures between the two of them, "Is more than just a dirty little secret. Because I love you!”

“Hey, dude.”

Luke stops mid-sentence, glaring at the interruption.

“No, you can’t-”

Suddenly Mikey grabs Luke and shakes him hard, and Luke starts to protest but then his eyes start to adjust to the light from the bar way too late.

“Oh.” He says, now looking into big brown eyes that belong to someone who definitely isn’t Mikey. “Oh…”

“Are you alright?” The stranger asks in a gruff voice, though he at least seems sincere, looking at Luke with nervous eyes. “Have you taken something?”

Luke has to think, but eventually he remembers that he hasn’t. He’s just drunk a lot and is feeling a lot. “I’m not alright.” He states, “But.. no. I’ve not taken anything.”

Part of him is hoping the guy will ask if he wants to talk him about it simply because Luke really needs to vent, to get everything off of his chest. That doesn’t happen though, not-Michael just pats Luke’s arm tentatively and then pushes past, walking at a very fast speed so it looks like he’s just trying to get away from the crazy guy confessing his love. Luke doesn’t blame him.

“I’m a mess.” He says aloud, to nobody.

He stays there for a little while, normal thoughts coming through his jumbled and messed up thoughts, trying to focus on one thing. He doesn’t want to make the mistake of thinking Michael is anybody else again. Suddenly he breathes a sigh of relief, because he had thought he was confessing his love to Michael and that would have been bad. Still, he shakes his head and starts away from the bar, continuing his search.

He rehearses the words in his head; I’m sorry, Michael, but we can’t go on like this. I know we were never together really, but I’m breaking up with you. It’s just messing me up too much. I’m paranoid and I’m miserable and you fucking me but not loving me is just too confusing. Sorry.  
And then just like that everything will go back to normal, it has to.

When he eventually finds Michael though, none of those words come to mind. All he can see is red, like the colour of Mikey’s hair just filling his brain because he’s angry. Michael is draped across the cushioned seat in a booth, and straddled over him is some guy that they don’t even know. His hands are roaming over Michael’s body and Mikey seems to be enjoying it, he’s smiling and looks like he might be high.

Luke stands frozen, muscles tensing with surprising anger because Luke just isn’t an angry guy. And then the red is broken by the sea green of Mikey’s eyes and Luke thinks he’s going to shove the guy off and run to the younger of the two, thinks that Michael will comfort him and tell him he is sorry. He doesn’t though. His eyes just go back to the guy on top of him and his smile returns.  
He knows Luke is there, but he just doesn’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably a new chapter up later tonight too, _probably _, not for certain__


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut towards the end of the chapter :)

Maybe Michael doesn’t care but Luke certainly does. Before he is even aware of it, his body swings forwards and he whacks the guy in the face with such shocking strength that he doesn’t even feel the impact it has on his knuckles, though he is sure there will be a bruise there. The guy is on him suddenly though, and he doesn’t take lightly to being punched by small, jealous blonde boys. Right on cue, Mr. Brightside comes on, and there is some kind of brawl. Luke isn’t even aware of what’s happening. He feebly punches back but the guy is a lot stronger. Hot blood starts to run from his nose and he’s numb to it, and he’s glad he got so drunk because he barely feels the pain. Still, he dreads what it will feel like when he wakes up. 

“Back off.” Michael is suddenly snarling, and he’s high and can barely stand straight but he hits the guy too, and manages to make the guy cry out in pain with the impact of his punch. 

 

The man starts on Michael then, apparently they have no feelings, then. Luke is somewhat glad about that but he winces as through his blurred vision he witnesses Michael get tossed down to the ground and is kicked in the ribs. 

 

“What the fuck is going on?” 

 

It’s Ashton, ever the hero. His hand wraps around Luke’s forearm tightly, helping him to stand up, and then he grabs Michael too. 

 

“He started on me.” The stranger glowers at Luke, and the younger boy notices that Michael gave the guy a black eye. “Crazy freak.” 

 

Luke feels Michael looking at him, wide eyed, surprised, pissed off, he can’t even work out what the look on the older boy’s face  _ is _ but he’s not about to feel guilty… the moment he says that his face flames and he shamefully looks down at the floor. 

 

“Back off, dude.” Ashton insists, his commanding tone actually working - it always does. 

 

The older guy hesitates, like he doesn’t want to leave, but then he wipes blood from his nose and walks towards Michael. 

 

“Call me.” He mutters, “We can meet somewhere without your psycho friend.”

 

For a moment Luke worries Mikey actually  _ will _ call the guy, but then he sees the look of absolute fury Michael gets, staring after the guy as he leaves. Ashton looks like he is about to shout at them like a scolding parent, but Michael waves a hand. 

 

“We don’t need a telling off, Ash.” He mutters. “Luke…”

 

Ashton then shoots a look at Luke. As if to say ’I thought we talked about you moving on’ because it isn’t hard to guess why Luke just attacked someone. Luke who never gets into fights and is already feeling the impact of the many kicks and hits he suffered from.

 

“Let’s find Cal and go home.” Ashton says with a sigh. 

 

“No.” Luke mutters, “It was your idea to celebrate. I don’t want to be the reason that your night is ruined.”

 

Ash’s look clearly says that his night is already ruined, but he rolls his eyes. “Let’s get you two into a car.”

 

“What are you, my mum?” Michael protests, “I’m not just gonna be sent to my bedroom like a naughty kid.” 

 

“You can’t stay here.” Ashton insists forcefully, tightening his hold on Michael. “You have to go home and calm down because you’re a wreck right now. And we have an interview tomorrow.”

 

Luke winces because both he and Michael are going to be covered in cuts and bruises. And then he winces even more at the thought of what could be in the news tomorrow. There doesn’t seem to be any press in the place but you can never be too sure.

 

“Thanks Ashton.” he mutters, thanking him for stopping the fight and also for the offer of putting them into a car. 

 

Again Michael looks like he wants to protest, but then when he sees Luke start towards the door he suddenly looks like he wants to go too, so he reluctantly moves to follow him, Ashton bringing up the rear. Their cars are always out there waiting, but luckily there doesn’t seem to be anyone watching, no cameras or fans. Michael stumbles round to the other side, and as Luke goes to open the door, the oldest boy stops him. 

 

“Luke…” he says in a low voice, “Don’t do anything stupid.”

 

_ Don’t sleep with Michael or confess your love, _ Luke translates silently. He nods and falls into the car himself, staying as close to the door as possible so that he can’t possibly be tempted to touch Michael. 

 

The ride home is quite short despite the traffic, and they are home to no time. They enter the building in near silence. Part of Luke as he is sobering up can sense that Mikey may be a bit pissed off at him. Luke doesn’t really care though, because  _ he  _ is pissed. Maybe he has no right to be because it’s not like him and Michael are in a relationship or anything but he’s still pissed off. He’s not just some dirty little secret and he doesn’t deserve to be treated like nothing more than an easy lay… still, he doesn’t say anything. As the effect of the alcohol is wearing off he is starting to feel much less motivated to fight and all he can think about is the way his lip is cut and he can feel a slight bruise beginning to well at his back. 

 

“I need another drink.” Michael says when they enter the living room, breaking the quiet and heading over to their drinks cabinet, taking out a random bottle of bourbon. 

 

Luke watches the older boy as he prepares his drink, pouring it into a glass and swilling it around slightly. So badly he wants to just look away, but he can’t. Even if he is pissed as fuck at the guy, his eyes are still permanently fixed to Mikey’s face and all he can think about is so badly he wishes he could kiss him. Not fuck him, not call him sir and know it drives the older of the two crazy, just kiss him and hold him and hear Michael say he loves him. 

 

_ Dream on, Luke,  _ he tells himself,  _ that’s never going to happen. _

 

That thought makes him sad. The fact that Michael will never say ‘I love you’ - definitely not in the way Luke wishes. Michael doesn’t seem to love anybody, not even himself, judging by how he doesn’t even care that he has cuts and bruises forming on his face. Luke didn’t even realise how many hits the other guy got into the fight, and he winces slightly just at the thought. 

 

“What?” Michael asks, moving closer to Luke with his drink, though he still sounds pissed off and tense. 

 

“Nothing.” Luke replies quietly, because he is also thoroughly pissed off with everything Michael said and  _ did,  _ going with some other guy just for the sake of it. “Just that… you should put something on your cuts.”

 

“Yeah I should.” Michael replies shortly, and Luke sighs loudly knowing that’s the end of  _ that  _ conversation. 

 

He can tell Michael is mad at him but he can’t work out why. Sure he punched that guy who was all over the older boy, but he had every right to be jealous. Michael had called him a dirty little secret, the words are still echoing in the back of Luke’s brain, he had told him to stop crying and being pathetic, he had then started making out with some other guy and it looked like a lot more was about to happen right there in the middle of the club, and  _ Michael  _ is pissed with  _ Luke _ ?

 

“I should too.” 

 

“Go on then.” 

 

So Luke does. He glares at Michael and stomps off to the bathroom where they should have something to heal cuts up quicker, and as he goes he purposely bumps his shoulder into Michael, causing some of his drink to spill out of the glass. He leaves Michael’s angry protests behind. 

 

\- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - 

 

“ _ Luuuukey.”  _

 

Not looking up from his game, Luke continues to play, his fingers moving suddenly quicker and rougher on the controller like he is taking his frustration out on that. He feels the weight of Michael sitting down on the couch very very close to the younger boy but pretends not to notice. He pretends not to notice as Michael gets even closer, wrapping his arms around Luke’s body and putting his lips dangerously close to Luke’s lips. 

 

“Lukey, I’m  _ horny _ .” Michael whispers huskily. 

 

“You’re also very drunk.” Luke mutters, but his act of keeping cool doesn’t work when he gets shot in the game thanks to his distraction.  

 

Michael notices that, and laughs quietly. His hand begins creeping down Luke’s body and to the already bulging area of his crotch through his jeans. He squeezes gently. 

 

“Come on little Lukey. Master has an itch to be stroked.” 

 

Luke rolls his eyes at Michael’s terrible wording, pressing replay on the games console. He inhales sharply when Michael continues to roam his hands all over the younger boy’s body, his fingers moving to the flies of his black jeans. He thinks back to his idea in the club, to end things before he gets hurt, because he  _ will  _ get hurt and he really doesn’t want that. 

 

“Please baby.” Michael says with a pout, and then he kisses Luke’s cheek. “You know you want to. I can  _ feel _ you wanting to.” 

 

“Mikey.” Luke gasps weakly, because his cock is exposed now and Michael’s hand is gently working it’s magic. It’s not something he is used to, Luke being the submissive, he always is the one making  _ Michael  _ happy, and himself in the process, but he’s the one who does the handjobs and blowjobs and being pounded into.  _ Don’t think about that  _ he warns himself, because now he’s really wanting it, and there is no denying it. 

 

“Tell me you don’t want this and I will go.” Michael teases, and he smiles, safe in the knowledge that Luke most definitely wants it. 

 

“Michael.” He gasps, because he can feel himself hardening in Michael’s hold and he has to bite his lip to keep from moaning. 

 

“Tell me you don’t want it.” The redhead repeats, meeting Luke’s gaze and grinning even wider. “Or tell me you do.” 

 

Part of Luke is telling him to say no. To tell Michael that it is wrong for them to do it because their relationship is quickly turning toxic, to stop him and just go to bed and wake up the next morning, and act like the two of them never even happened. But the other part, the much bigger part, is telling him to say yes. To tell him he is desperate for his master to fuck him hard… 

 

“I want it.” He grinds out, and instantly Mikey beams and takes his hand away from Luke’s dick. 

 

In response, the younger boy lets out a whine of protest. 

 

“Sorry baby.” Michael croons, not sounding sorry in the slightest, “Only master gets his cock stroked.” 

 

They move quicker than the speed of light it seems like, Michael grabs Luke’s wrist almost roughly and begins dragging him to the stairs and up to his bedroom. He pushes Luke down onto the mattress and has the remains of his clothes off in no time, and then he himself undresses. 

 

“Maybe I should punish you for what you did today.” Michael considers, his hand gently sliding across the bare skin of Luke’s ass. 

 

_ What did I do today?  _ Luke asks himself, but he doesn’t want to ruin the moment just then. 

 

“Do you think you deserve to be punished?”

 

“I don’t know Sir.” Luke murmurs, because he honestly doesn’t. 

 

“Maybe not right now.” Michael decides, his words slurring as his fingers slowly begin to prep his sub, spreading his cheeks and making sure he is ready; not that it isn’t pretty much prepared anyway, they fuck one another pretty much every single day. 

 

He leans down, pressing his body against the other boy’s and breathing onto his neck as he whispers, “Only because I am so desperate to fuck you. Beg me for it, Hemmings. Beg to feel me inside of you.” 

 

There’s still a part of him, warning him that they will regret this, so Luke bites his lip, burying his head into the pillow; not knowing if he should say anything or not. 

 

“Beg me…” 

 

“Please!” Luke cries out when he can’t take the tension anymore, “Please let me feel your cock buried deep inside of me. I’m despe- desperate to f-feel you, Master.” 

 

It doesn’t take  much longer. Michael’s hands take Luke’s hips, holding up and pounding himself into him without any more warning than the touch of his hand. Luke moans out, because it feels so good to have Mikey so close to him, to feel their bodies colliding into one another. Maybe they don’t have the same feelings but Luke definitely feels a lot closer to Michael, his master, like this. 

 

“Does that feel good?” Mikey growls, thrusting with a constant changing rhythm, sometimes dragging every single move of his hips out to be as long as possible, sometimes going at is so fast that Luke feels he may pass out. 

 

“S-so good, Master.” He whines, “So fucking good.”

 

“I need to come already.” Michael murmurs, “I need to-”

 

“Okay, Master.” Luke breathes, hands clutching at the sheets of Michael’s bed like he’s clinging on for life, because he can’t wait to feel his Master’s seed inside of him. 

 

It happens in less than a second, and Michael releases himself into his little sex toy and they both groan at the feeling - Luke also finds it hard to contain himself anymore, and he himself blows his load all over the clean sheets of the bed. Sometimes Michael tells him off for doing that, but he doesn’t seem to mind that much, probably didn’t even notice he’s so drunk. 

 

“Oh Michael… that f-feels  _ so-” _

 

He doesn’t have a chance to finish though. Mikey pulls out and instantly issues a sharp smack to Luke’s butt. 

 

“What did you just call me?” Mikey says, calm but dangerous, his hand hovering as if preparing to spank again. 

 

“I’m sorry Sir!” Luke moans, rushing to cover up his mistake. “That feels so good, Master. So good-”

 

“Even if you said you are sorry so nicely, baby,” Mikey tells him gently, “I still think you deserve that punishment now.” 

 

“O-okay.” Luke whispers, and he is in position without even having to be told. 

 

Michael sits on the edge of the bed and Luke arranges himself, lying over his legs with his butt in the air like a naughty child, like they do when they occasionally do their daddy roleplaying. 

 

“How many?” Michael asks softly, stroking his hand across the white as snow skin of Luke’s behind. 

 

“I- I don’t know, Sir. Whatever you think is best, Sir.”

 

Mikey smiles, always loving how submissive Luke is, how he takes his punishment like a good little boy. Then he lifts his hand and brings it back down  _ hard _ , not even starting gentle and building it up like he most often does. “I think we’ll say just ten today, how’s that sound baby?”

 

“That sounds g-good, Sir.”

 

“Okay. Count the other nine of them.”

 

He brings his hand back up and then it crashes back to the already bright red flesh of Luke’s ass, and Luke counts in his monotone, finishing each number with a “Thank you Sir.” 

 

If he ever forgets to say thank you, he gets an extra spank for each incident. After the seventh one, Michael takes a small break, returning to being gentle as his hand gently soothes Luke. 

 

“Why are you being punished, baby?” 

 

“I accidentally called you your own name instead of Sir or Master.” Luke says, blinking back the tears stinging his eyes. “I promise I won’t do it again, Master, I  _ promise _ !”

 

Michael smiles, issuing the eighth slap. When they are finally done and Luke cries silently, Michael takes the sheet stained with their own juices off and lays down, holding his arm out. That voice has returned, it’s telling Luke to end it there and then and leave, to sleep in his own bed. But something about seeing Michael calling him forward, wanting to sleep with their bodies cocooned around one another… he can’t help himself. He moves forward and crashes onto the bed with a grateful sigh. 

 

“You’re such a good boy, baby.” 

 

“Thank you, Sir.” Luke whispers.

 

“You can call me Michael now, Luke.” Michael tells him, chuckling lowly. 

 

“Okay.” Luke murmurs, nuzzling into the older boy’s neck. “Thank you, Mikey.”

  
And at that, that he can call him Michael instead of Master whilst they are cuddling, means something to him… maybe Mikey will hold him not just in a sexual and kinky way. There must be some kind of him that truly does care for Luke, and he will hold onto that small fact for as long as he can. He knows he should break things off, and that they should talk about everything that’s going on, and work out their problems. He just  _ can’t _ . He loves Michael too much.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite a short update but also a very important one. Kind of sad idk haha

The first thing Michael is aware of when he opens his eyes the next morning is that he is alone. His arm is thrown out to the side like it had previously been holding someone, Luke, close to him but now Luke is gone and he doesn’t even know why but he starts to worry. He’s always worrying about Luke. Wondering if he is okay, wondering why he’s stressing so much about every little thing, worrying that he’ll fuck him too hard and Luke will get hurt or something and never want to speak to him again. He remembers last night. Seeing Luke with that girl and then going off with some random guy just for the sake of it and then Luke acts like  _ Michael  _ is the one that needs to apologise. 

 

Sighing through a yawn, Michael sits up and is automatically hit with a pounding headache, and he winces slightly as his sides are aching, and he lifts a hand to feel the cut on his lip and the bruise around his eye - luckily it’s only a tiny bruise. 

 

“Fucking Luke.” He mutters, getting out of his bed, still slightly surprised that the youngest of their band and maybe the shyest was the one to start a fight last night. 

 

He leaves his bedroom and hears Calum and Ashton playing their drums and bass together as they often do, but there’s no sound of Luke’s beautiful playing. He goes along the hallway to Luke’s bedroom, knocking on the door and pressing his ear against the wood to hear the quiet reply. He pushes the door open and finds Luke playing some video game, his eyes focused on the screen intently. For a moment Mikey just stands in the doorway watching the younger boy, because he too has a bruise on his face and they have an interview later, and both of them are going to get loads of fan comments asking what the hell happened to them. 

 

“Hey.” He says in a small voice, “You were up early.” 

 

“Not really.” Luke replies shortly, but it sounds almost like his voice shakes, like being around Mikey makes him nervous. 

 

“Can I come in?”

 

“You already are.” Luke points out, still not turning his attention from the game. 

 

Rolling his eyes at the smart ass comment, Michael enters the room properly and sits down on Luke’s familiar bed, and he leans back against the pillows, not wanting to join in. It reminds him of the night when he couldn’t sleep, and he sat in that exact position watching Luke play guitar and singing to him quietly to help him close his eyes and dream. Luke’s way too good to him. 

 

“Luke we should talk-” he starts to say, but Luke quickly shushes him. 

 

“Not yet. Quit distracting me.” The blonde boy says, and then it sounds like he murmurs, “Like last night.”

 

Michael feels a little guilty. They had been arguing and he had just wanted to sleep it all away, or rather, fuck it all away. He is way too guilty of that, constantly brushing over serious things by asking for sex. Surely Luke isn’t annoyed though? It’s not like they are in a relationship or anything. When Luke dies he makes a disappointed noise, but Michael laughs. 

 

“Now you  _ have  _ to talk to me.” He teases. 

 

“I could just start a new game.” Luke says, moving the controller to do so. 

 

Michael won’t have that though, for once  _ he  _ is the one trying to initiate some kind of seriousness because despite his beliefs that Luke started that fight, he still feels slightly guilty. He remembers how hurt Luke had looked, he has been trying to pretend he doesn’t but he saw the pain in those beautiful blue eyes when that guy was all over Michael, and he said some pretty harsh things beforehand too. 

 

_ Tell him you love him. Because you  _ do _ Mikey. I’m not telling you in what way, but you do, and right now Luke needs to know that. He loves you a lot.  _ Calum’s words from before come flooding back to him and Michael feels scared, terrified even, because he knows that his oldest friend is right. He pushes that thought back though and instead focuses on shuffling forward to sit on the end of the bed with Luke, and he hesitates for a brief moment before putting his arm gently around the younger boy. He starts to pull him closer, for a hug, but Luke stiffens and gets to his feet, flinching away like Mikey is some kind of monster. 

 

“Stop that, Michael.” He insists, shaking his head. “Just  _ stop _ .”

 

“What?” Michael protests, holding his hands up in surrender. 

 

“Doing  _ that _ .” Luke isn’t very successful in making himself much clearer and Mikey furrows his brow confusion, getting up to so that he can look the taller boy in the eye directly. 

 

“ _ What _ ?!” He repeats, because Luke is just being an idiot. 

 

“Hugging me. Touching me. It’s  _ bad _ Mikey.”

 

“We’re friends.” Michael tells him slowly, “Friends do that kind of stuff.”

 

Luke shakes his head again, even more forcefully and suddenly he looks like he is about to burst into floods of tears and that thought terrifies Michael because he hates Luke being sad. 

 

“Do they?” The younger of the two says, not wanting an answer. 

 

“We’ve done a lot more than just cuddle.” Michael tells him with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood slightly but it is a very lame attempt - if anything it just seems to wind Luke up even more. 

 

He steps away as Mikey steps closer and he crosses his arms across his chest defensively, like he is trying to protect himself from being touched, hugged. Seeing this, Michael again puts his hands up as if to show they aren’t going anywhere. He stuffs them in his pockets then, nervous as he tries to work out what exactly Luke is about to say. 

 

“That’s the problem, Michael!” Luke snaps, but then his voice grows quiet, more gentle, and he looks down at the ground; trying as hard as he can to avoid having to meet Mikey’s green eyes that always weaken him at the knees. “We keep sleeping together and it’s too confusing.”

 

“It’s not confusing… we’re  _ friends _ who sleep together.” Michael tries to protest, but his voice cracks because he knows that he is hurting Luke, and he hates himself for it. 

 

“I’m not just a dirty little secret, Mike.” Luke whispers, and a surge of guilt shoots through Michael’s veins because he should have been the one telling Luke that,  _ he  _ should be the one trying to make up for everything he said. He just can’t do it, though. 

 

“I’m a person with real feelings and right now those feelings are hurting. They are aching, Mikey, so bad. And if we carry on like this… I can’t let myself do that. It’s like setting myself up for suicide.” He sounds so broken. His eyes are so hurt, more grey than blue like a storm is coming and Michael has to brace himself for it. 

 

Is Luke’s love for Michael really that bad? Like  _ suicide _ ?

 

“Lukey.” Michael breathes, moving closer to Luke, not wanting to hold off any longer because he can’t let Luke go. He just  _ can’t _ . Despite Luke trying to shake him away, Michael grabs Luke, gently but firmly, and pulls him on for a hug because maybe then Luke won’t cry. Maybe he will cheer up and he will know… know that Michael  _ does  _ love him he just can’t say it, not yet. He’s not ready to say those words. 

 

For a moment, he thinks maybe it works. Luke doesn’t wrap his arms around Michael but he lets Mikey hold him close, and he doesn’t go rigid or stiff, he just relaxes, dropping his cheek to the older but still smaller boy’s head. And Michael can’t let Luke stop things, he has to do something  _ more _ . He moves back, allowing a space between the two of them, only to tilt his chin up and place his lips against Luke’s. His beautiful plump lips are against Luke’s and it is all the younger boy has wanted for so long, to be kissed properly by Mikey and not just because they’ve slept together or anything, but because he wants to kiss Luke. A kiss is so much more than being fucked like some submissive sex toy. It’s still not enough though, because Luke knows it’s just a cycle that will continue and he is the one with the romantic feelings, the only one, so he is the one who will be hurt. Luke puts his hands to Michael’s shoulders and pushes him away. 

 

“No.” He mumbles, and a tear slides down his cheek, glassy eyes blinking to hold back any more tears, but it doesn’t work. Luke just cries harder and Michael doesn’t try and hold him anymore, he just hovers there, not sure what to do. “No, Michael. We can’t carry on.” 

 

“Why?” Michael asks weakly, not giving up.

 

“Because  _ I love you _ .”

 

And Michael knows that. Calum told him but he has known for a long time, it’s been obvious by the way Luke hugs him and does anything for him, the fact that he got so jealous when Michael was with some other guy even though he had just been with another girl, which Michael had been meaning to ask about but now can’t. He loves Luke too. 

 

He wants to say it. He needs to say it, otherwise everything will crumble. And he is looking into Luke’s broken, fragile face and the words are bubbling behind his mouth. He’s itching to say it, he  _ has  _ to say it… but he can’t. He’s too late. 

 

“And you don’t love me, that’s pretty clear.” Luke says flatly, and he sounds deflated, completely. Like a small shred of him had been hoping that Mikey would say it back and everything would be okay. “So we have to stop this before I get hurt.  _ You  _ might not care if I’m hurting, Mikey, but I do.” 

 

“I do care.” Michael whispers, hearing how broken he himself sounds and hating it, he’s too weak. He should have said it, but now he’s losing his best friend. “I just…” 

 

“You don’t need to explain.”

 

The older boy is filling up slowly with self hatred, dread, rage, pain. He can’t do anything now, though. He wishes he could, but he can’t. Besides, Luke is better off without him. Mikey is depressed, he’s an insomniac, he’s got crippling anxiety. He is a broken human and there is nothing he can do about it but maybe there is one last thing he can do for Luke. If Luke can stop loving him, maybe he will recover from the heartbreak quicker. 

 

“I do need to explain.” He says sharply, and suddenly it feels like there is somebody else speaking and just using him as a voice, “I don’t love you, Luke. I’m sorry I just  _ don’t _ . You’re right. I’ve been cruel this whole time, using you for sex. You’re great in bed.” He smirks, and he wants to kill himself at the same time because every single word is pulling a loud wracking sob from the younger boy. He wants to make it go away, he wants to cuddle Luke close and make it all better. “So no.” He continues, “I don’t love you and I never could. You’re just a  _ friend  _ to me. A dirty little secret.”

 

He turns around and goes from the room, leaving one of the most important people in his life in a sobbing heap on the floor. 

  
  


After their interview during which Luke sat silently and Michael pretended to be good and back to normal, the latter goes to a bar and orders the strongest drink they have, and he sits in a booth on his own trying so hard to hold himself together. He did the right thing. Now Luke is probably back home breaking down some more, and Calum and Ashton will figure out what happened and everyone will hate Michael. Maybe that’s better, Michael thinks to himself, it’s better to hate Mikey than to love him because he is fucking toxic. The only outcome that could come from Luke loving him is pain. 

Michael doesn’t love Luke, not in that way, but he still hates himself so much. He should have lied. 

 

Or maybe he should have told the truth. Because if he doesn’t love Luke then why was he so jealous to see the younger boy with that girl? And why is hurting so much at the prospect of never being able to touch Luke again, to feel him, to sleep with him? Who can he go to now when he can’t sleep late at night? He’s on his own. Maybe that’s for the best. 

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features drug use and mentions of depression, though I don't think they are particularly triggering I just wanted to warn you! Hope you enjoy this update :-)

“Where is @Luke5sos?” 

“Why isn’t Luke in the interview :(“

“Tweet something Luke!!!”

“We miss Luke @5sos, where is he!??” 

 

There are hundreds of tweets all like that, and Luke is reading through them all, never replying or tweeting. He feels bad because the fans are clearly all worried about him, but all he can think about is the fact that he is letting them down and that doesn’t motivate him to do anything about it, it just makes him feel  _ worse _ . He is letting them down but he doesn’t even care most of the time. It’s been only a week since he he and Mikey broke up. Well, not broke up because they were never together and now Luke knows he is such an idiot for ever thinking that things could be different. He can only blame himself for his heartbreak, so that’s what he is doing. 

 

He’s too embarrassed to even leave his bedroom because he doesn’t want to have to see Michael again and he  _ knows  _ Calum and Ash will have been told about Luke’s pathetic feelings too and he can’t bring himself to face anyone. He’s cancelled on three interviews now and luckily there’s no shows for a while, though he has missed four writing sessions now and he knows that management are getting pissed at him. 

 

Even though he knows all of this, though, he just feels so hopeless. He’s weak and he knows it. It’s like he’s punishing himself - he isolates himself, not talking to anybody, and he stays cocooned in his duvet day in, day out; he barely eats anything unless Ashton all but forces food on him. It’s not even like Luke is refusing to eat, he’s just not hungry anymore. He’s feeling like an idiot, he’s feeling ashamed but also he’s feeling  _ nothing _ . He’s turned into just an empty shell, it’s been a week since he smiled and he doesn’t think he ever will smile again. Darkness fills his mind and his body, and swirling around for little bursts of light through the black are just the same words, repeating themselves over and over. 

 

_ I don’t love you and I never could. You’re just a friend to me. A dirty little secret… using you for sex. I don’t love you. I don’t love you and I never could. Dirty little secret.  _

 

It’s relentless, the words taunting him along with memories of Mikey’s twisted smirk and the way he had looked so careless. He had just  _ left _ , Luke was in a heap on the floor in tears, breaking down completely and still Michael left. Maybe Michael didn’t  _ love  _ him but… had their friendship been fake, too? Michael didn’t seem to care about Luke whatsoever. Luke always thought Mikey was secretly the  _ most  _ caring of the band. He put up an act but really he loved his band more than anything and if anyone so much as touched a hair on one of their heads, he would destroy them. But that was all fake, too. That just stings Luke more, thinking of that fact makes him feel like he’s going to wither away into nothing. 

 

How could he have been so stupid? he asks himself. How could he let himself fall knowing the cost? He should have listened to Luke. Part of him was wishing  _ he  _ had called it off, the bigger part was telling him they were meant to be apart but it would be easier if Luke had administered it. Now he was the one left broken, he was the one being used like a target. Mikey’s words tore at him like shards of glass constantly being thrown through the air, piercing into his skin so that they drew blood. 

 

They weren’t even together, not really. That just makes Luke even more pathetic. He never thought he was the type of person who would let his heart be his own destruction. He remembers when for a joke they all watched Twilight (even though he secretly thought Taylor Lautner was hot and he would feel warm and gooey inside every time the werewolf character came on screen) and he had scoffed. Said Bella was the perfect example of a pathetic damsel in distress character, stereotypical and weak. But now he relates to her so much. Without Michael there with him every night, he felt like screaming whilst he slept, and he wouldn’t mind tossing himself off of a cliff right now either. When he realises that thought a bit too late, he hears his own sharp intake of his breath because is he really feeling that bad? People go through months,  _ years  _ of depression, feeling lonely and sad and they are still strong. It’s been a week without the guy who fucked him for the sake of it and he is thinking about drowning himself. 

 

_ Pathetic,  _ a voice in the back of his mind hisses. 

 

_ I know _ .

  
  


\- - - - -- - - - - - - --  - --  - - -- - 

 

“Michael.” Calum whines to the slightly older boy, nudging him maybe a bit too hard in the ribs. “Stop being miserable and help me pull.”

 

Michael raises an eyebrow, he wants to ask why Calum even needs a wingman because isn’t he with Ashton? He decides against it though, because it’s not really any of his business. Well, maybe it is, considering the fact that the two of them are some of his best friends - no. His  _ only  _ best friends now. He just doesn’t want to have to deal with it because he is in a crap mood and he just wants to find a dealer or something and get high so that he can forget about everything that is happening. 

 

When Mikey just frowns at his beer bottle, Calum bumps his side again, but this time more gently. He lowers his voice to a murmur, “Cheer up, we’re supposed to be having  _ fun _ !”

 

But Michael is barely listening to him because his eyes are following the guy he is meeting, the guy in the dark clothes and the sallow skin is staring at him too to get his attention, and then he jerks his head, directing to the dancefloor and he walks that way. Knowing that Calum is going to demand to know where he is going, Michael just decides to go with the act. 

 

He forces a grin, grabbing Cal’s arm and dragging him over to the throng of drunk and dancing strangers, all far too close for comfort but he doesn’t mind. 

 

“Where are we going?” Calum asks, pretty much shouting to be heard over the music. 

 

“To have  _ fun _ .” Michael yells back. 

 

They join the throng and start bobbing uncertainly because neither are very good at dancing, not whilst they’re still sober, anyway. For a moment Michael stays with Calum but then they ‘accidentally’ get separated. He scans the crowd again but with not a lot of struggle, he once again spots the guy and he makes his way over. They don’t talk - Michael presses some dollar bills into the man’s hand and in return he passes over a tiny plastic bag, and there are so many people that it can’t possibly be seen. The dealer is only just leaving when Calum finds his friend again, tugging slightly at Michael’s sleeve.

 

“Who was that?” He shouts over the din. 

 

Michael just looks confused, shrugging to pretend he can’t understand what Calum is saying. He closes his eyes and takes another swig of beer, allowing it to buzz through his veins as he starts to get more into the music, moving his body to the rhythm and trying not to feel. When Calum goes off to get another drink, that’s when Mikey manages to take one pill out of the plastic baggy and he slips it into his mouth, closely followed by a second. There’s still three in the bag, he could afford quite a lot so he thought it was good to get some for the future. He downs the MDMA with the last remainder of his beer. 

 

It’s taking a while to kick in. He waits patiently though, he does way too many shots with Cal and he doesn’t question it when his best friends starts making out with some random guy. Slowly, he can feel it. His veins start to buzz, and his eyes begin to recognise the colours of the club even brighter, and he has to keep blinking his eyes and shaking his head so that he can adjust to it. Sudden bursts of energy begin to fire through him and it’s the most he’s felt in a week. His troubles seem to melt away, and he is just moving with the music and grinding up against anyone who seems to want to. He feels  _ good.  _ Even better than he has done in forever, better than when we with Luke. He’s been trying to hold off the drugs for so long but he’s depressed and he’s lonely and it’s nice. He welcomes the buzz. He loves the buzz. 

 

He’s aware of somebody speaking to him. A guy, he’s hot and he seems interested. Mikey can’t even understand what he is saying but he just has the urge to kiss him anyway, so he  _ does _ . They go to the corner of the club and they aren’t caring. Words are murmured, and Michael is touched and he is touching back and for the first night of the week (he’s been out every single night) he can do it without worrying about Luke. Without his haunting eyes staring at him from nowhere, without a trace of guilt. The bliss is short lived. 

 

“Michael.” He hears a shout, and though it is jerking and unusual to his ears he can make it out when the source repeats it millions of times and he feels a tug at his hand.

 

“Calum!” he yells in a very late response, and he turns to face his friend, but he’s still so close to the stranger that the guy remains pressed against the wall, waiting for Michael to continue kissing him. 

 

Calum shouts something but Michael can’t work out what he says, everything is blurring and the colours are too bright, he can’t focus on anything. So he just shrugs Cal off and turns back to the other guy, pressing up against him and his hand brushes over the bulge in the stranger’s jeans and he is kissing him again. 

 

“ _ Michael _ .”

 

Calum is still standing there, pleading with him almost. Michael is feeling slightly pissed because he’s not up for a three way or anything like that. Turning to look at him once more, he quickly frowns because he’s certain that the familiar bassist was there just a moment ago but now he’s  _ not _ , and his breaths seem to be quickening and he can’t work out if time is speeding up or slowing down. He doesn’t feel quite so good anymore. He turns back to the guy, and Mikey allows the stranger to pull his face towards his own for a kiss. It’s whilst his lips are pressed against some random guy’s that something is nagging at the back of his mind. Blue eyes, beautiful blue eyes. He opens his own eyes to look at the face of his new friend… it’s a face he  _ recognises.  _

 

“Luke!” he gasps, and he kisses with a lot more hunger and his fingers start to claw at  _ Luke’ _ s clothes like they always do, like is normal for them. They’re in the middle of the club but Michael doesn’t care, he needs Luke right now. 

 

And Luke is saying something but Mikey can’t work it out and it doesn’t even sound like him, but then he hears Calum again. 

 

“Let go of him, Michael!”

 

Blinking slowly, Michael tries to work out what is going on as he steps away from the wall and Luke walks past him. 

 

“Maybe another time.”

 

_ That’s  _ not Luke, Michael remembers, but he doesn’t know where Luke is. His breaths are quickening and his head is starting to pound and rainbows are shooting behind his eyes. “Luke.” He gasps. 

 

“Calm down, Mikey.” He hears a soothing voice but all he can see are the bright colours and it’s too much, he needs air. “I’m here.”

 

_ Air,  _ he thinks to himself,   _ Luke _ . Moving like he’s a lagging film or something, he jerkily manages to make his way to the door and maybe Calum has his hand and is guiding him or maybe not, he can’t work it out but somehow he steers himself towards the door and then he is in an alleyway and then he feels his knees whack against wet concrete and it will hurt later but he can’t feel that now. All he can feel is a pain behind his eyes from the colours and a pain in his heart from Luke. He thinks he is crying but maybe he is laughing, he doesn’t know as he slumps back against the wall. 

  
  
  


“Eat that.” Calum orders when the waitress shuffles back towards the counter. 

Michael is still tripping, he can tell, but he is returning gradually to his normal state because he is starting to feel completely numb again; and he can feel the throbbing pain in his knees from where he fell to the floor and he is starting to feel sick. 

 

“How did I get here?” He asks, glancing around at the 24 hour diner. 

 

“I brought you here.” Calum tells him gently, “Come on, Mikey. Eat something, you’ll feel better.” 

 

Michael knows he is right, and he also feels ready to crash now that the effect of the drugs is wearing off. He remembers the drugs, yes, he remembers buying them and taking them and he’s not entirely sure what happened whilst he was  _ on  _ them, but yes, he remembers. He doesn’t really wants to but he eats the burger that seems to have miraculously appeared… wait  _ no,  _ he remembers the waitress gave it to him just then. 

 

“You’re such an idiot.” Calum mutters. 

 

“Likewise.” Michael says through his food, “Why are you cheating on Ashton?”

 

“Who says I’m even with Ashton?” Calum splutters, but then Mikey just has to give him a look and he slumps down, his face falling too. “We’re just going through something right now.” 

 

“Wh-”

 

“Don’t worry about it.” Calum snaps suddenly but then looks guilty for snapping. “It’s just… I don’t know. We’re finding it hard to work out our relationship, that’s all. But I’m not going to result to MDMA, Mikey, what the fuck are you thinking?” He whispers.

 

Michael just rolls his eyes, “You can’t tell me off for doing drugs, Calum. We used to do it all the time.” 

 

Back when life was easy. They were just starting out and they would always go to clubs or parties and do drugs and chill out, and it would all be okay. But now suddenly Michael has a massive heartbreak for someone he doesn’t even love. Maybe that’s a lie, but still… he wishes things were still easy. 

 

“You kept asking for Luke.” Calum tells him, murmuring so that nobody around them hears because after all, you never know who is secretly listening to the conversations of famous people to sell to tabloids. “You kept saying you needed Luke and that you wanted to say sorry. What do you need to say sorry for?”

 

Michael ignores him, taking way too long chewing a mouthful of burger and he’s pretty much cleared his plate already. 

 

“I know something is going on, Mikey.” Calum presses, and he sounds firm but also gentle, like he will try to understand but Michael needs to quit dicking around and actually  _ talk _ . “Did you… did you  _ hurt  _ him?”

 

At that Michael’s head jerks up and he looks into Cal’s suddenly horrified eyes and feels slightly sick. He would  _ never  _ hurt Luke, not  _ ever _ . But.. he  _ did _ . So he sighs in defeat and nods his head, and Calum suddenly looks like he’ll explode. 

 

“No, no!” Michael rushes to amend his mistake, “Not like,  _ hurt  _ hurt him. I just… I said some awful things.”

 

“Enough to turn him into a zombie.” Calum says below his breath.

 

A sudden surge of anger rushes through Michael because that’s really not helping, because he  _ knows  _ how much he hurt Luke and it’s been driving him crazy, it’s the very thing that made him be stupid and take drugs just to feel okay again. Slowly the tension eases from his bones though, as he reminds himself that he is still slightly drunk and high and he can’t let his emotions get the better of him. 

 

“Yeah.” He says simply, “Enough to turn him into a zombie.” 

 

Calum hesitates for a moment like he doesn’t want to ask, so Michael saves him the trouble. 

 

“H-he… he uh, told me that he  _ loves  _ me. After me and you had our chat and everything, he actually  _ admitted  _ it, he says th-that he loves me. And…” it’s been building up but now he feels ready to let it all explode out of him, and tears begin to freely pour down his face and he is being loud about it, a couple over the far side of the diner look up at him. “And I told him that I don’t love him.”

 

Practically rising from his seat, Calum opens his mouth like he’s about to call Michael an idiot, a dick, a cunt among many other colourful terms to describe how much of a dumbass Mikey is. 

 

“I told him that he’s… I said he’s a dirty little secret again. I didn’t tell him he’s a lot more like you said to.” He sobs, shaking suddenly in the cold, “I said that’s all he is. And I told him I could never love him. And he cried and it was horrible, but I just left him lying there.” 

 

They’re silent for a moment, other than the sound of Michael’s cries and Calum tries to comfort him, placing a gentle hand on Mikey’s arm but the redheaded boy shakes him off because the last thing he deserves is sympathy. 

 

“You  _ can  _ fix it, Mikey.” Calum tries to tell him softly, so quiet that it almost can’t be heard through Michael’s crying. “You  _ need  _ to fix it… before it’s too late.”

 

Deep down, Michael knows Calum is right. He was right before when he told Michael to tell Luke he loves him, because Michael  _ should  _ have done that but he chose not to listen. And he’s not going to listen now, either. Even if he can fix it, he won’t. 

 

“No.” He replies after what feels like an age, and tears are silently sliding down his cheeks now and his sobs are somehow remaining contained. “No, I won’t fix it.”

 

“Why?” Calum asks desperately. 

 

“Because. He’s better off without me.”

 

“That’s not true and you know it.” 

 

But he does know it. Michael knows that he is toxic, it’s a truth he has been living with forever. It’s why he pushes people away, it’s why he acts like such a dick all the time. He’d rather be without the person he loves and in pain, because if he truly loves someone he would never force them to be with him. He’ll just ruin them, like he ruins everything. And maybe Luke will be sad for a little while, but his sadness will quickly be over and then he can move on and find someone who is actually  _ good _ . 

  
“I just want him to be happy.” Michael says, more to himself than to Calum, but Calum doesn’t say anything else. He just squeezes his best friend’s hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the description of the use of the drug and the effects etc. are probably very off, but honestly I don't have a lot of experience haha I'm just writing off of what google told me about the drug :P 
> 
> And no, I don't condone drug use or anything like that. 
> 
> Thanks for reading xx


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cashton af

  
  


“Are you feeling up to going out today?” 

 

It’s Ashton, coming into the room to check on Luke. He’s carrying a plate holding Luke’s favourite breakfast - cold pizza left over from dinner, and he sits down on the end of Luke’s bed and places a hand on the younger boy’s leg. 

 

“Nope.” Luke says, and his throat feels cracked and dry due to him barely speaking for just over two weeks now, and he barely ever drinks either unless someone practically forces water down his throat. 

 

He tries to conceal it but there is no mistaking Ashton’s sigh of exasperation, but he doesn’t need to try and conceal it because Luke  _ knows _ . He is being a nuisance, he’s causing so many troubles for the band and for his best friends and for himself but he still doesn’t  _ care _ . He does care, just not enough to do anything about it. Not enough to get out of his bed and face the world. There is so much quiet that Luke starts to think Ashton has left silently or something, but he can still feel the weight of the older boy on his bed. 

 

“Lukey.” Ashton says in a soft voice, and Luke just grunts in response. “Lukey I… you really should get out of bed.  _ Please  _ Lukey, we  _ need  _ you. It’s not 5 Seconds Of Summer without our frontman.” 

 

His words do cut into Luke but he tries to ignore the stinging pain, because he won’t be talked into leaving. He  _ can’t _ … he can’t see Michael again. 

 

“ _ Please _ .” Ashton sounds like he is ready to get onto his knees and beg. “Luke I’m sorry, okay? I’m so so sorry that Michael hurt you. I don’t know what he did but it’s obvious he did something, and for that he is a massive dick. But Lukey, there will be others.”

 

“I don’t want others.” Luke whispers. 

 

“Maybe not right now, no. But there  _ will  _ be. They will love you just as much, maybe even more.”

 

_ Michael never loved me,  _ Luke wants to say the words out loud but he lets them swill around in his brain instead,  _ it won’t be hard to find someone who will love me more. But I don’t  _ want  _ them.  _

 

“Maybe you and Michael just aren’t meant to be, Luke. And I’m sorry for that, okay?  _ So  _ sorry. But you can’t throw everything away. You can’t spend your whole life locked up in here, you have a great career and you can have a great life without Michael. Without Michael in  _ that  _ way anyway. And I know it hurts but-” 

 

“You don’t know!” Luke suddenly snaps, jerking to sit upright in a split second, so fast that his head starts to throb but he ignores it. “Ash, you can’t pretend to know because you  _ don’t _ . Do you know how it feels, to put all your love towards one person, one person who you love so much, and then to find out they never even loved you!? To find out they were just using you because they’re a horny sick freak who will use anybody to get what they want. I wasted all my love Ash, and I don’t think I’ll ever get it back. So you can keep pretending you know what I’m going through, but you don’t. And you should be so glad that you don’t know what that feels like.” 

 

He’s started crying, partway through his outburst tears have started streaming down Luke’s face and his face is quickly growing blotchy and his voice hurts because of so many words just spilled out of his so little used voicebox. Ashton looks like he wants to hug Luke, he moves as if to wrap the younger boy into his arms and tell him everything will be okay but… Luke is right. He doesn’t know what that feels like and he doesn’t know that everything will be okay and right now is so fucking pissed at Mikey. He knew that he had hurt him but… to use him for sex? When it was obvious how much Luke loved him? It’s been obvious to everyone since they first  _ formed  _ the band, Michael can’t have been oblivious to that. But then through his anger, he also knows Michael. And that’s not something Michael would ever do, Ashton can’t believe that. There must be reasons. Instead of cuddling Luke like the lost boy deserves, Ashton settles by just placing the lightest possible kiss to his mess of blonde hair, because he knows Luke won’t let himself be hugged. 

 

“Eat something.” Ashton says softly, gesturing to the plate of pizza he placed on the bedside table probably before he sat down and Luke just didn’t notice. 

 

He’s halfway out of the door when Ash turns in the doorway. His eyes settle on the slouching boy, he’s buried himself back down under the duvet without even looking at the pizza, though he will later when Ashton is definitely gone, probably. He knows he should just leave it because Michael hurt Luke, and no matter his intentions maybe he doesn’t deserve Luke, and his love. But Ashton just can’t help himself, he can’t let his band fall apart. 

 

“I know I told you a few weeks ago that being with Michael was a mistake and that you should end it. And I know I just told you that you should try and move on but… Lukey,” he says gently, pausing for a while, “I… nobody can deny the fact that Michael loved you a lot. Probably still does. I don’t know he did what he did but… I don’t think he was just using you. And I know that doesn’t help but- b-but… he  _ loves  _ you.”

 

Feeling like he’s just said some kind of evil curse, Ashton quickly pulls the bedroom door shut, turning and rushing from the room like he was never even there. 

  
  


Ash and Calum have been having troubles for a while now, but all Ashton wants is to see his Calpal. He smiles fondly at the stupid nickname when he thinks it, and when he enters Cal’s room unannounced the younger boy doesn’t even look surprised. They are quiet as Ashton approaches the bed and gets into it, lying on his side just like Calum is so that he can look into those brown eyes he loves so dearly. Before he drops the bombshell he’s about to drop, Ashton gently caresses Calum’s cheek with the back of his hand, and his friend closes his eyes, always loving the feel of Ash’s touch against his skin. 

 

“Hey.” The blonde haired boy says softly. 

 

“Hi.” Calum replies, his voice still tired from sleep. 

 

Ashton isn’t really sure what he wants to say because it’s nothing Calum doesn’t know either, but he knows that the two of them need to talk. About themselves, yes, but also about their bandmates, because things can’t continue on the way they are. 

 

“I was just in Luke’s room.” Ashton starts, his voice gentle. 

 

Calum looks at him with interest, and absently the older boy continues to stroke his finger against the younger’s tanned skin. “He’s so miserable, Cally.” Ashton says and he sounds miserable himself, because he  _ is  _ miserable. “He shouldn’t be that sad. Michael has  _ broken  _ him, from what Luke said it sounds as if he was-”

 

“I know what Michael did.” Calum interrupts, and he looks slightly guilty. 

 

“You do?” Ashton replies, narrowing his eyes slightly. “You didn’t say anything.” 

 

“No, I know. I wasn’t going to because Michael’s like, my best friend. And so are you and so are Luke and it’s confusing, I… I never know what I can and can’t tell people. Please don’t be sad, Ash-”

 

Cutting his explanation off, Ashton pretends like it doesn’t matter. No, he doesn’t pretend, because it  _ doesn’t _ . He understands why Calum wouldn’t share Michael’s secrets and that’s okay. All that matters is that they do something about it. 

 

“Okay. Well… I just think that we have to make Lukey better, Cal. Michael has hurt him so bad I don’t know if  _ I _ can ever forgive him, yet alone  _ Luke  _ forgiving him.” 

 

“Hey.” Calum says quietly, “I don’t think that Mikey did it to be harsh. You and I both know that Michael loves Luke. He just… he doesn’t know what to  _ do  _ with love.” 

 

Ashton wants to argue slightly, but he literally just told Luke that Michael loves him, and he knows it is true. Michael definitely has a reason for hurting Luke but whatever the reason is, he’s hurting Luke and it’s not okay. 

 

“I think the problem here is,” the younger boy continues, “That they are both denying their feelings. Michael knows he is hurting Luke, Ash. But he thinks this pain is not as bad as how much he could hurt him if they were together.”

 

“But that’s stupid.” Ashton protests, “The worst thing is being without the person you love.” Calum nods his head, and Ashton moves even closer to him before adding in a whisper, “I know that it’s the worst thing from firsthand experience.” 

 

Calum’s eyes are almost nervous as he looks into Ashton’s, and they are sad at the same time. But he smiles thinly, and he gently places a featherlight kiss to the end of Ash’s nose. “I know too.”

 

At the feel of Calum’s lips against his skin again, Ashton closes his eyes gently so that he can feel the bliss even better, and it is a bliss he’s missed for ages now. 

 

“We can’t let ourselves get as hurt as Mikey and Luke are, okay Calum?” He asks softly, and Calum knows that he is right. 

 

Slowly, he nods his head, and he presses his hand to Ashton’s, still pressed to his own face so that he can feel Ashton’s touch better. 

 

“We don’t have to define what we are.” Ashton continues, “We just have to be ourselves. And if that means that we are in love with one another, that’s fine.” 

 

Calum has missed Ashton so much and he is terrified that he will end up in pain like Luke and Michael, that is terrifying him. But they are not Michael and Luke, they will not be broken. And they will help Michael and Luke to be fixed, too. Together. 

 

“I love you.” He says, hearing the desperation in his voice and not even caring as tears stream from his eyes.

 

“I love you more.” Ashton says, and they sit up so that they can kiss properly. 

 

“Not possible.” Calum breaths in between kisses, when they break apart occasionally to take gasps of air. 

 

And somehow, they know that if they are together, they can bring Luke and Michael together, too. They  _ have  _ to. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Featuring an extremely dickish Michael.

Four weeks. A month. One month since Luke has left the house for anything other than work, he’s been for a few interviews, and he only went to those because Michael’s been sick. Fans are starting to figure out there is something going on between Luke and Michael because they are never seen together anymore… the youngest member of the band is not looking forward to tour. He’s always so excited to get back on the road, he loves travelling to different countries, performing music all around the world and meeting all of their fans but now he’s just dreading it. He has nightmares about having to be on the same bus as Mikey because there’s nowhere he can just hide away. He hasn’t spoken to Michael one bit and it is killing him but he knows it will kill him more if he does have to. Occasionally when he’s been out of his room for the brief trips to the kitchen or to shower, or returning from an interview and running up to his room, he’s seen a flash of blue hair. Blue hair, not red. Luke is always the one who helps Mikey to dye his hair but he didn’t even know about the blue. Maybe it’s a small and petty thing but that’s what has hurt the most in about two weeks, really. Hiding in his room is a good coping mechanism… just very unhealthy.

It seems that his particular coping mechanism is not working for everybody else, though. 

“Come on, Lukey.” Calum is pleading, sitting on the edge of Luke’s bed and trying to ignore how zombie-like his friend looks. He sleeps so much but he still has dark rings around his eyes because he doesn’t sleep in the correct hours and is therefore constantly woken up, and he barely eats either so he looks underweight and ill. “Just one interview and a performance and then you can come right home.”

“I can’t.” Luke murmurs, and he pulls his knees up to his chest as if they are some kind of protection. “Not if Mikey- I mean, Michael is.” 

Calum doesn’t miss the fact that he drops the nickname, and it makes him sad. Why can’t everyone just get along like they used to?

“You can’t avoid him forever.” The brown haired boy insists, “You don’t have to talk to him, you don’t even have to look at him. But management are getting pissed and the fans are worried, we’re a band and right now we’re never all together. We’re all fucked.”

“Please.” he pushes when Luke doesn’t say anything, “We’re going to fall apart.”

At that, Luke hears how desperate and miserable Calum sounds and though going anywhere with Michael seems like the most terrible thing in the world, maybe hearing just how much he is fucking things up for Calum and Ashton too gets to him. He’s reluctant, obviously so. 

His lips shake as he nods his head and starts to get out of his bed. Calum releases a breath of relief and he grins, clapping Luke on the shoulder. 

“It’ll be fine, Lukey. I promise.” 

He leaves the blonde boy to shower and get clean, leaving the room and rushing to see Ashton. Luke takes his time in the bathroom. They have to leave in half an hour though, so he tries to get it over with quickly but he looks at himself in the mirror as he has done every rare occasion of going out and he pulls a disgusted face. Even he can see how sick he looks, how pale his skin is and how hollow his eyes look. His heart is thudding and he is shaking because he really is not ready to see Michael again. He can’t believe it’s been so long… 

“You can do this.” He tells his reflection, “You can. Don’t let Michael scare you anymore.”

So he doesn’t. Well, he’s terrified but he tries to pretend he isn’t. He finds some black jeans and pulls them on, followed closely by a black jumper. It makes his skin look even paler though, so he changes the jumper for a navy blue one instead, and he pinches his cheeks to give him some colour. He leaves the room and as he walks down the hall to the stairs he can hear Calum and Ashton talking loudly and he feels a little relief that it’s just them down there for now, it means he won’t have to walk in and take a walk of shame or something with Michael’s beautiful… no, not beautiful, they’re just eyes staring at him. As he takes each step one at a time he scolds himself because he can’t continue to think of Michael as beautiful. He’s not his beautiful Mikey and he’s not Luke’s to admire. He’s just someone he works with now. A colleague. 

He tries to smile as he enters the room, and Cal and Ash stop talking immediately and turn to greet him. But then their eyes slip from his face to the other side of the kitchen because apparently Luke was wrong. Michael is in the room to, he’s just very quiet. He’s also looking directly at Luke and he looks completely emotionless. Not sorry, not sad like Calum and Ashton have been every single time they look at the younger boy… no. He’s just looking at Luke like he is nothing. Part of Luke wants to cry because Michael has never looked at him like that but he won’t give in. He’s been an empty shell for a month now and it’s time to finish it. Even if he is dying inside, he’ll pretend like he doesn’t feel anything for Michael either. His eyes slip past the blue haired boy and he crosses the room to pick up a cup of tea Ashton has made for him. 

He sips from the mug and pretends like he’s not aching to run into the older boy’s arms and feel his hug, smell him again, feel Michael’s hands running through his hair and burying his nose into Luke’s shoulder. Pretends like he doesn’t want to cry out, “Mikey!” and hear the older guy uttering apologies and promises of love which will never happen. Pretends that he doesn’t want to turn from the room and run away, or that he doesn’t want to scream and shout, make Michael feel bad, make him realise how big of a dick he is. No, he doesn’t do any of that. He just drinks his tea and pretends he isn’t breaking. 

They all have to get into one car. Michael claims the front seat immediately, and Luke sits by the window beside Ashton, and secretly out of view the older boy takes Luke’s hand and squeezes it. 

“I’m proud of you.” He murmurs so quietly that Luke almost doesn’t hear. 

He’s too scared to speak because Michael is sitting right there and he feels like he’ll start to cry if he speaks. Throughout the journey Luke stares out the window determinedly but he can’t help his eyes from taking quick darting glances to the front of the door. Michael is acting like normal, like he always has done. He’s being moody because it’s the morning but he’s still drumming his hands to the music and singing under his breath with Calum. Usually Luke would join in, singing with them. He’s worried about the performance for the show they are going on because he hasn’t sung with Michael for ages and he is scared of messing up. He’s wishing that he could pretend like he’s got a really sore throat and can’t sing so that he doesn’t have to harmonise with Michael but he knows that he can’t, because Calum is right and fans are noticing. 

At one point they drive past a gap between buildings, and the sun shines directly onto Michael’s face, reflecting off of his new blue hair beautifully. He wants to reach forwards and run his hands through the blue and he wants to tell Mikey he loves it. It’s even worse than before, when Mikey had no idea that Luke liked him because then he could do things like that and just say that it’s friendly. Now he can’t do anything. He just sits like a jenga tower - one movement and every single piece of him will just come apart and shatter to the ground.

\- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - 

“He looks so… ill.” 

Michael and Calum leave Ash and Luke in their dressing room because Michael can’t stand being there for one moment, he’s finding it so impossible to contain his guilt and his anger at himself and his sadness and his urge to touch Luke, to tell him he fucking loves him and that everything will be okay soon; so he and Calum have said they want to go and find the bathrooms. 

“I know.” Calum mutters because he doesn’t know what he can say. He wishes he could say that all Michael needs to do is make things okay by kissing Luke and saying, ‘I love you’, it’s that easy. But it’s not easy either, it never is easy. It’s shit. 

“What if it’s like this forever?” Michael asks in a small voice, “What if we are just like… not even like us forever?” 

“It doesn’t have to be, Mikey. No offence but you’re not really helping the situation.”

“I know! I just… I don’t know what I can do.” Michael replies, turning into the door of the bathroom, and luckily it’s just the two of them in there so they can talk freely as the two of them use the urinals. 

“Talk to him,” Calum suggests. “He may not even talk back to you but… act like friends again. Not like sworn enemies.”

“I can’t just act like a friend again.” Michael argues, and Calum knows that he is right. “That would make me even more of an asshole.”

“Okay. But don’t act like you feel nothing towards him-”

“That’s the whole reason we’re in this mess! Because I’m acting like I feel nothing…” he trails off because he knows how stupid his plan is. 

Calum has no idea what to say. What can you say about a situation so crap? There’s nothing that can make things better. Michael acting like normal, like a friend, is just basically him being a massive dick who thinks Luke’s heartbreak is nothing but sure, he’s still a friend. Refusing to speak to Luke at all is just as bad, though.

“How about don’t act like he’s not there?” Calum suggests, and the two of them wash their hands - Calum only does so after Michael frowns at him like a concerned parent. “You don’t have to have a conversation with him but… be decent. Ask if he wants tea.”

“Why would I ask if he wants tea? I never ask anyone if they want tea.” Michael scoffs, and they are walking back to the dressing room. 

“You know what I mean. Just… be civil.” 

Michael looks like he wants to say more but they’re back in the changing room. He looks at Luke briefly, but the younger boy is focusing on the strings of his guitar rather intently so he just continues over to sit in his chair and waits to be called. 

The interview is fine. Luke is rather quiet but he answers a few questions and Michael just asks like normal. The interviewer is nice and doesn’t mention how both Luke and Michael have been awol recently, and generally things run quite smoothly. The performance is a bit awkward because Luke won’t look at Michael whatsoever, so they can’t really coordinate with one another at all and their energy is lacking. Michael and Calum try their hardest to be lively but Luke just can’t. Standing up there with Michael is hard enough, his knees are knocking and his voice keep shaking. It could be worse, though. 

It’s when they get home that the dreaded thing happens. Instead of going up to his room, Luke actually stays sitting in the living room with everyone. Granted, Michael’s not in there, he’s gone up to his room too and Luke probably thinks he’s staying up there. He doesn’t though, he returns downstairs shortly after and flops down onto an armchair that is turned away from the couch so he doesn’t even have to look at Luke. The conversation is strained. Nobody knows what to say. Michael is trying to think of Calum’s words, be civil. He wants to just leave everything in the past. He will apologise to Luke eventually, keeping up the facade of not having feelings but so that he doesn’t seem like such a dick he will apologise for being such a dick. He’s decided to wait though, until he is certain that Luke doesn’t care about him anymore so that Luke can’t start to believe Mikey has redeeming qualities and fall back in love with him or something. 

That’s all Michael wants. He loves Luke and it kills him how much he loves Luke and he wishes that he could say it, he wishes Luke would love him still and accept his apology and understand why Michael lied about his feelings. But he can feel Luke looking at him. He thinks nobody can see, so those beautiful blue eyes are fixed on Michael’s face and it’s making Mikey’s heart race faster. But… Luke can’t like him. He’ll just get hurt again, Michael knows he will hurt him again and nobody deserves to be with somebody as terrible as Mikey. So he will just have to deliver the final blow. Maybe it will hurt Luke. No, not maybe, it will hurt Luke. But it’ll confirm Michael’s status as unlovable, unfeeling bastard and then Luke will move on. 

“I’m so hungover.” Michael says into the awkward and tense silence. 

Calum and Ashton look up with interest, and Luke looks almost surprised that Michael is speaking. 

“Last night was so wild, right man?” He asks Calum. 

And Calum looks shocked, surprised, pissed off… he shoots Michael a look: what the fuck?! But he has to go along with it otherwise things will get worse. He probably doesn’t believe that Michael will talk anymore about last night but how wrong he is.

“That girl, shit she was wild.” 

Luke hears his gasp and he knows the others do too. Michael definitely hears it. 

“I fucked her, obviously.” Michael says conversationally to Ashton who didn’t go out with them. “She was really good. Another easy fuck.” And he looks over at Luke. 

He meets Luke’s tear filled eyes and his heart, it wrenches in pain because he’s cutting the last tie and soon, Luke will hate him. Completely hate him. He watches as every single words cuts into the younger boy like knives, hurting him so badly that he gasps in pain. And he just smiles. It kills him to do it, but Michael fucking smiles. 

“We all know I’m fond of an easy fuck.”

Luke’s there one second and the next he is gone, no sign of him ever leaving his room but the disgusted silence he leaves in his wake following the thudding of his footsteps going upstairs. His bedroom door slams and Michael can just see him in his mind’s eye, sobbing and curled up on his bed.

“What the fuck was that?!” Calum yells. 

It’s Calum yelling, that’s the biggest shock. He always tries to act like he understands Michael, he always tries to be calm and gentle even if he is telling the older boy that he is the biggest dick he knows.

“You are such a dick, Michael.” He moves closer, jabbing with his finger. “I can’t fucking believe you. I’m ashamed to even look at you.”

And yes his words sting. So much. But Michael doesn’t care because he has freed Luke from him for good and now nobody will ever get close enough to him to be hurt.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in a few days! Hope this chapter is okay though :-)

 

Luke groans loudly, dropping his head to his hands to hide his face away. He’s sitting in the back of the car with Calum whilst Ashton rides up front on their way to a party downtown, and he is dreading it. Since the interview a few weeks ago he’s actually been out which is surprising - still avoiding Michael if he can help it but he goes to shows and out and about the city, meeting fans and trying to get on with his life. Still though, he’s avoiding parties. He’s not been out to a club or anything since that night where he and Michael got into a fight with that guy, and even though he loves to party; he can still feel gnawing at the centre of his stomach, because he’s actually nervous. He doesn’t even know why, there’s nothing to be nervous for, it’s not like he gets anxiety or anything. It’s just been a while and he is tired. He doesn’t want to go, not really, but Cal and Ash practically dragged him out of his bed. 

 

He flinches when Calum places a comforting hand on his knee, and he realises he was just zoned out, staring very intently at the back of Ashton’s head. 

 

“It’ll be great, Luke.” Calum insists with a small smile, and Luke wishes so badly that he is right. 

 

He misses fun. Michael wrecked him, he’s been someone else for almost two months now and it’s not fair, it’s time that he takes control back. He’s going to party and enjoy it, he’ll be his old self again. His  _ usual  _ self. 

  
  
  


The party is in a mansion, some rich person’s who Luke doesn’t even know. Before the boys are even out of the car, they can hear music thudding down the drive and even through his nerves Luke can’t help but smile as the familiar noise of real  _ fun  _ sends vibrations through his veins. On either side of the youngest boy, Calum and Ashton both squeeze his arms reassuringly and Calum ruffles his hair like he’s a puppy. 

 

“Let’s have some fun!”

  
  


The party is in full swing and Luke is completely drunk. He’s giggling at nothing and he’s stumbling, his head feels deflated but in a  _ good  _ way. He’s not thought about Michael or the pain in his chest for the entire night and he’s pretty pleased about it. Apparently he is not the only one drunk - Calum finds him, collapsing on the floor at the younger boy’s feet. 

 

“Hi Cal.” Luke laughs, leaning down to pull Calum up but then just stumbling and tripping over his own feet. 

 

They both lie giggling on the floor for a while, lost in the middle of dancing celebrities who are probably judging them, but they don’t care. It’s a nice feeling, Luke thinks to himself, to not care at all. It doesn’t last long though, on the floor Calum gently brushes his fingers against Luke’s, before lacing them through so that they are holding hands. 

 

“You okay?” He asks softly, well, as softly that can still be heard over the thudding bass.

“I’m good.” Luke tells him sincerely, but where it might not be a lie it just feels weird coming from his lips. 

 

They get back up somehow and for some reason, Luke feels deflated. Like Calum’s question made him wonder:  _ is  _ he okay? Will anything ever be okay again? Smiling sadly, Calum claps him on the shoulder and Luke thinks he’s about to walk away, but instead he just drags Luke to the side. They’re leaning against a wall that is facing the makeshift bar set up in what appears to be the third living room of the mansion, and at said bar there’s a girl sat alone. She’s quite pretty, with tanned skin and flowing brown hair, and she looks like she’s on her own; sitting on a stool and scrolling on her phone looking bored. Calum checks that he and Luke are looking at the same girl before nudging the taller boy in the ribs.

 

“Go talk to her.” He slurs. 

 

Luke feels frozen all of a sudden because is Calum  _ serious _ ? He  _ just  _ ended things with Michael… well not  _ just  _ but still. He’s not at all over the blue haired boy with beautiful green eyes as deep as the ocean, and he doesn’t think he ever  _ will  _ be. He’s not ready to just start hooking up with any pretty girl or guy he meets. Sensing Luke’s hesitation, Calum grins and rolls his eyes, but he looks fond. 

 

“Go on. You don’t have to like,  _ date  _ her or anything. You don’t even have to  _ fuck  _ her…” he turns more serious though, eyes darkening and his words becoming more clear, “You can’t move on if you don't let yourself.”

 

“I know that.” Luke insists, stuffing his hands into his pockets and cringing slightly as he feels a blush creeping across his face. “I  _ know _ … but…Calum I don’t think I ca-”

 

“You  _ can _ .” Calum tells him gently, “Just go and order a drink and while you wait, say hey. Introduce yourself. You don’t have to stay with her or anything. Just say _ hello _ . It might help you get used to the idea of moving on.”

 

_ Way to put a damper on things Cal,  _ Luke things to himself, because now instead of the happy weightless buzzing feeling of drunkenness, he just feels sad, nervous and afraid. Afraid of his feelings, of his heart, of Michael, of the girl, afraid of Calum. Just afraid, he feels like he’s going to panic or something, because now he’s being forced to think and he doesn’t like it. Calum notices, and sighs loudly, but he places a gentle hand on Luke’s arm. 

 

“How about I go over with you?” Calum offers, “Or would you rather someone else? Wait, are you not even bi? Are you only after guys?”

 

The questions just make Luke’s head hurt slightly more so he just shakes his head, not really answering any of them properly though. He shakes Calum’s arms off of him and murmurs a ‘see you later’. Calum slumps slightly, probably thinking he’s failed in his plan to help Luke get back on track, but when Luke gets to the bar and looks over his shoulder to smirk at the older boy, Calum grins and gives a thumbs up.

 

“I’ll have whatever is strongest.” Luke says to the bartender because the numb elated feeling is wearing off and if he’s about to try and talk to a girl he can’t have Michael on his mind. 

 

The girl on her phone seems to look up with interest at the sound of his voice but when Luke glances at her, she’s got her eyes glued back to the screen. Part of him wants to ask if she has nothing better to do than sit on her phone when she could be having fun, but she’s pretty and he wants to say hi so probably not best to start throwing shade. He thanks the bartender, but instead of walking off with the drink sits himself down in the stool that’s close to the girl’s. 

 

“Hello.” He says, hoping he sounds charming as he smiles a dazzling smile.

 

She looks confused for a second, looking around as if she’s not sure who he is talking to even though she is the only one there. “Hi.” She replies uncertainly. 

 

“I’m Luke.” The guitarist grins, sticking a hand out to shake before taking a long drink from the random cocktail he’s been given. 

 

“Arzaylea.” She replies with a small smile, and she takes his hand. 

 

It’s an awkward start, but they get talking and eventually the chat comes with ease. They move to find a couch some place and they end up talking into the near early hours of the morning about anything and everything. She tells Luke that she likes the Arizona emo group the Maine, and Luke laughs under his breath as he imagines what Michael’s reaction to that description would be, and when that thought comes into his mind, he freezes slightly because he shouldn’t be thinking about Michael. 

 

“Are you alright?” Arzaylea asks, and Luke is confused but then he realises that her hand is on his bicep and she probably felt him tense up slightly. 

 

“Yeah.” He replies with a smile, “I’m good.”

 

And he  _ is  _ good. He’s actually talking to someone and even if he is thinking about Mikey occasionally, he is really sort of proud of himself; he’s being social for the first time in what feels like forever and is actually having a good time. 

She’s not really famous or anything, she got an invite through a friend who seems to have ditched her, and she admits that she’s actually quite a big fan of Luke’s band. 

 

“Yeah?” He asks, smiling gladly. “I hope I’m your favourite member.” He adds, flirting slightly and not being at all ashamed, thanks to the alcohol running through his veins. 

 

“Of course.” She replies, smirking, but somehow he has the feeling that he actually might be. 

 

“Hey Luke.” 

 

Luke looks up to realise the party is slowly emptying out and Ashton and Calum have come to find him. 

 

“Hey guys.” He replies with a grin, and they return it, and it’s obvious that they are happy for him and his socialising for the night. “This is Arzaylea.” 

 

They get the introductions over and done with, but then Ashton and Calum hint, doing their best to be discreet, that they should get going. 

 

“I’ll meet you outside.” Luke says, and Ash and Calum head out to the front door. 

 

Luke turns to look at Arzaylea, and he gets the urge to take her hand, so he does. He squeezes it gently and lifts it to his lips, brushing them against her skin, and then placing a kiss on her knuckles. 

 

“Can I see you again?” He asks, feeling rather bold because he never asks people that, he’s rubbish at flirting yet alone actually getting a girl’s number. “I’ve had fun.”

 

“Of course you can.” Arzaylea tells him, and they exchange numbers and he offers to walk her out to her car. 

 

When they get outside into the moonlit sky, they look over the LA skyline and it looks like the sun is going to rise pretty soon, they’ve been talking for hours and he still wants to get to know her more. He can’t help himself, though, he thinks about how he used to enjoy partying a lot more… he’s had fun but sitting in the living room on a couch is the least ‘Luke’ thing he has done. If Michael were here he probably would have smoked some weed and danced on a table or some crazy shit like that but… this is different. He’s had fun, still.

 

“I’ll call you.” He promises, opening the door to the car for her as she unlocks it. 

 

She smiles at him, leaning in to kiss his cheek softly before getting into his car. Luke stumbles slightly, he’s been drinking for a long time and sitting down too, so getting up is extremely unsettling… though not in a bad way. He makes his way back to the car, Ashton and Calum are both in the back seat, a tangle of limbs, so it’s Luke’s turn to sit in the front seat next to the driver. They don’t always use a driver, but if they’re going to a party or something they have to, and if they go to an event they tend to, as well. 

 

When he gets home, he immediately goes upstairs to crash on his bed, and he actually sleeps soundly for once. 

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

 

“Morning. Or should I say, afternoon?” 

 

Michael looks up to see who has spoken in such an overly sunshiney manner with surprise, and his eyes only widen further when he notices that the source of the cheerfulness is  _ Luke _ , who has barely said two words to Michael for weeks now.

 

“I’m going to eat some of these waffles.” Luke continues to speak, obviously to Michael because they are the only ones in the room, and he crosses the kitchen to pick up some toaster waffles left on the counter beside the toaster. 

 

Michael hasn’t said anything at all and he is very aware of this, but he doesn’t really know  _ what  _ to say. He’s pretty certain that his bandmate despises him, despite the brief episode they shared of being much more than just bandmates. He’s saved the trouble of trying to work out what to say though, because Calum and Ashton enter the room, looking rather rumpled. 

 

“Oh, hey Mikey.” Ashton says, “I thought you stayed out last night.”

 

Michael feels a blush creep into his cheeks and he is suddenly worried that Luke is looking at him, curious to see who’s bed Michael slept in last night, because even though he wants Luke to hate him he can’t bear to hurt the guy anymore. He’s proved wrong though - Luke isn’t giving him the slightest ounce of attention. 

 

“Yeah, I did.” Michael mutters shamefully, “I left before he woke up.”

 

“Classy.” Calum says with a snort, and he’s looking at Michael reproachfully. 

 

By now, Michael is used to this. Everyone in the house is pissed off at him, Ashton’s being the nicest but even he obviously disapproves of everything Michael has been doing from the very moment he and Luke started their friends with benefits relationship, no doubt. 

 

“That’s me. Definition of classy.” Michael says sadly, and he doesn’t even know  _ why  _ he is so sad… he just misses the way things used to be. He can’t really complain about that though, he’s the one who destroyed everything. 

 

He looks up from the crumbs of bread he’s been staring at on the countertop, and for one brief second he swears that Luke just had his eyes on him, watching him. He misses it, he misses the lingering stares as they battle with their eyes over when they can next have sex, he misses being able to gently place his hand against Luke’s thigh under the table, he misses  _ Luke _ . Just looking at the boy makes his heart swell, makes him yearn for his touch again…

 

“Hey, so guys,” Luke says with a smile, and he’s looking at Calum and Ashton. “I called that Arzaylea girl again… I know it’s kind of soon, I only met her last night but I’m going to meet her for dinner.” 

 

Michael’s heart plummets. He knows that he has no more chance with Luke, not anymore but… he never expected that Luke would move on so soon. He’s suddenly hit at the speed of light, by images of seeing Luke with some random girl, holding her hand and kissing her and telling her he loves her… when it should be Michael. Michael should be the one he does all that with but… Michael ruined it. He tore that chance up all by himself and he has no right to feel at all jealous or like he’s being cheated. It’s his own fault, but that doesn’t stop the pain from bursting through his body.

 

“That’s great, Luke!” Calum replies, grinning and clapping the taller boy on the shoulder. 

 

Ashton echoes with his own well wishes but Michael can feel the eyes of the drummer flickering over to him, filled with concern and dread. He forces himself to not meet those eyes, and he forces himself to not look at Luke.

 

“I’m going to shower.” He hears Calum say through the din of worry going through his mind, and he lifts his eyes ever slightly in time to see Calum leaving the room, pulling Ashton behind him. 

 

It’s just Michael and Luke again. Luke is sitting on the counter top, eating one of his waffles and Michael wants to leave the room but he feels like he can’t, he can feel Luke staring at him now and it feels like some kind of test. He doesn’t want to say anything, but he can’t help it.. he knows that he hurt Luke and he’s worried now, worried that Luke is doing something just to get back at Michael. Luke’s been miserable for months now, surely one party can’t just fix everything? 

 

He looks up from underneath his eyelashes, matching Luke’s stare. 

 

“Um.” He starts, voice soaked with uncertainty as he taps his fingers on the counter, something he always does when he is nervous. “Luke…”

 

“Michael?” Luke replies, his voice too bright, he sounds almost robotic. 

 

“Uh… I know it’s not my place.” He says awkwardly, he doesn’t want to sound like he cares because that’s the whole point for his lies, for pretending Luke means nothing to him - he can’t care. “I just want to say… I don’t think you should rush into anything.”

 

“And what you think is  _ so  _ valuable to me.” Luke replies sarcastically, eyes gleaming. 

 

“No I just- I don’t want you to rush into anything that could hurt you just to get back at me.”

 

He thinks Luke is going to actually take him seriously, those blue eyes that he so misses swimming in are narrowed at him though, and Luke just looks pissed off as a hollow laugh escapes his lips. “Seriously, Michael?”

 

“Yeah, I mean, I know I hurt you and I have no place to-” he starts with a shaking voice but Luke cuts him off as he jumps down off of the counter, placing his plate in the sink. 

 

“It’s not all about you, Michael, I hate to break it to you, but there are other things in my life that are important to me. Granted, you used to be a very big important pant to my life but now… you’re nothing. This has nothing to do with you, Mikey, I’m just  _ living _ .” 

 

He smiles with triumph at the look of misery on Michael’s face, he can’t ward off the obvious unhappiness because those words, ‘you’re nothing’, they’re punching him right in the gut and he feels like he’s going to cry. He does his best to contain the tears as he watches Luke saunter from the room. He has no right to be upset, he hurt Luke a lot more than this but… he’s never expected to be on the receiving end of the pain. 

 

He wants to be happy - his plan worked, Luke’s not with him anymore so he can’t be hurt but Luke  _ is  _ happy at last, or appears to be anyway; and that’s all Michael wants. That’s why he’s orchestrated the torture of both of them through the heartbreak for the past few months but he just wasn’t expecting Luke to move on. Not yet. He blinks back tears but it doesn’t really work because they’re falling freely down his face. He glances up at the clock, it’s just coming up to four in the afternoon. 

  
“Fuck it.” He says to himself, and he crosses over to the fridge, taking out a beer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you don't like Arzaylea/ do like Arzaylea etc, and I have no idea what her personality is in real life, I'm only really paying attention to the name. Hope that's cool!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Features reference to drug use but not really, if you blink you would probably miss it. :-)

Luke sits opposite the girl, silent as she talks, smiling politely and nodding his head. She’s nice he guesses, she talks about herself a lot but he supposes some people are just like that, and it doesn’t make her rude or anything. If she  _ didn’t  _ talk it would probably just be awkward silence. He’s barely thought about Michael, he’s feeling carefree and he’s doing something that all young men should be doing. Dating, being happy, having fun. He’s smiling and he’s not worrying about anything. And Michael is gone far from his mind…

 

But as he tells himself that, as he tells himself that he’s  _ not  _ thinking about Michael, he thinks about Michael. He can’t help it, the blue haired boy is just always there, in his thoughts and he can’t stop it. It’s like Michael’s an intruder, working his way into Luke’s house and just sitting down on the couch refusing to leave, and Luke is too awkward to ask him to leave so he just makes him a cup of tea instead. He’s trying his best to listen to Arzaylea. He smiles at her weird jokes that he doesn’t really understand, and when she brushes her foot against his underneath the table he responds to it, meeting her eyes and trying to look all seductive and flirty. 

It’s when she says another weird joke donkeys that Luke’s thoughts  _ really  _ wander. He’s smiling but inside, he’s just imagining. Imagining how Michael would be making him laugh if he were here, how the giggles would be falling from his lips uncontrollably like he’s a child. Imagining how Michael would know just the right thing to talk about, and he would know that Luke doesn’t really like feet action under the table, he prefers a hand to the thigh and a gentle squeeze. And now he’s just thinking of Michael in general. The warmth of his touch, the curve of his lip as he smiles, the feel of his unshaven cheek as he purposely tickles Luke with it when they kiss after sex because he knows it makes the younger boy squeal. His long lanky body and his rough but yet gentle touches… and how  _ sad _ he looked. How fucking miserable he looked when he discovered that Luke was going on a date, that Luke was trying to move on.

 

_ Serves him right,  _ Luke thinks to himself, he’s  _ the one who hurt me, I can’t feel bad. _

 

...But he looked so sad. Like tears were gleaming in his eyes, like he was about to cry and in that moment, Luke had wanted to run to him and hug him despite everything, he wanted to cancel on Arzaylea and just be with Michael because he misses him. But it will never be the same again, so now he’s here on a date with a girl who’s kind of pretty but other than that, doesn’t seem to have much of a personality. 

 

“Hey, what are you thinking about?” She interrupts his thoughts by leaning across the table and placing a hand on his, and he almost flinches at the surprising contact because  _ that’s not Michael’s hand _ . 

 

“Sorry.” He apologises with a sheepish grin, discreetly moving his hand away, pretending he’s only doing it to pick up his knife and fork. “Um… song lyrics came to my head.” 

 

“Are you going to write a song about me?” She teases, though she’s probably 100% serious, it would get her more Twitter follows. As soon as Luke has that thought he feels slightly bad, but he just smiles.

 

“Yeah.” It’s a flat out lie, “Yeah, maybe.”

 

So all in all, the date is not very unsuccessful along the lines of forgetting about the shitty stuff with Michael. Even so, Luke agrees to see Arzaylea again. She’s kind of nice and is obviously interested and he feels bad saying no anyway. Even if he’s not immediately abandoning all feelings for Michael, it’s never going to happen immediately. He just have to give it time. 

 

“It was nice to see you again.” Arzaylea tells him, he’s giving her a ride home and she won’t get out of the car - Luke has a feeling he knows why, he was watching as she balmed up her lips to make them look softer. 

 

“You too.” He replies - it’s not completely untrue. She’s not  _ terrible _ . “I’ll see you again soon.”

 

He doesn’t even react to what she does next, turning to face him better in the seat of the car, placing a hand on his leg and leaning forwards slightly, pouting her lips. He leans in too, and he kisses her. He doesn’t feel anything. Not a single butterfly stirs in his stomach and he doesn’t feel any rippling flames, fire running through his veins at the feel of her lips against his. She strokes a hand through his hair, looking back and meeting his eyes.

 

“Call me.” 

 

She turns and gets out of the car and he waits, watching as she fumbles with her key to get into her apartment building. When she’s disappeared, he drives home reluctantly. 

 

He really wishes that kiss had been perfect. Healed everything. Like she would kiss him and he would forget all about Michael and the two of them, Luke and Arzaylea, would end up being together forever, happy and in love. Even if she’s kind of awkward with some of the things she says and seems a bit obsessed with social media, Luke can see it. He can see the two of them being together, she’s pretty and seems nice enough and her kiss wasn’t  _ bad _ . He’s just too caught up on Michael and honestly that thought terrified him. If he can never get over Michael, when Michael seems to hate him or something, whatever he feels it’s confusing, and he will be stuck in the painful spot for eternity. Sighing, he pulls into the drive of their band house, hopping out of the car in a false attempt at cheer. 

 

“Hey.” Ashton calls from the living room at the sound of Luke’s arrival, and the youngest of the band heads through the house to find Ash and Calum flopped onto each other, a tangle of limbs on the sofa; and they’ve just been laughing and they’re breathless from it. They look so happy. They don’t care about anything, they have one another and because of it they’re just lost in love. Luke feels a pang of jealousy, and even an ache of  _ resentment _ , why do they get to be happy and he doesn’t? 

 

“How was the date?”

 

“It was great.” He says, and he doesn’t know if it’s the truth, a lie or just a confusing mixture of the two. “I’m, uh, gonna call her soon.”

 

“That’s great!” Both boys echo, and they hastily sit up as if only just realising they’ve been caught red handed almost - Calum’s shirt buttons are undone, Luke keeps quiet about it. 

 

“Yeah.” He replies idly, entering the room further, slowly scanning it with his eyes to check that Michael isn’t in the room, even though he never is these days. He’s always in his room playing guitar or fifa or writing songs, or he’s out at clubs getting drunk and hooking up with people by the sounds of it. 

 

They end up watching a movie together. Luke tries not to notice the fact that Calum and Ashton keep kissing, they keep touching in small ways but it seems to bring them both such happiness. One simple brush of the lips and they could smile for a million years without their faces aching. When they order pizza, Calum goes up to Mikey’s room to ask if he wants any. 

 

“Was the date really okay, Lukey?” Ashton asks quietly, gentle as he shuffles closer to the taller boy, placing an arm gently around him.

 

“Yeah.” Luke says, even quieter, almost a whisper. “I mean, I- I think so. I just kept thinking about  _ him _ , Ash.” 

 

“That’s bound to happen, Luke.” Ashton insists, and he places a feather light kiss to Luke’s forehead like an older brother would do, and Luke is grateful for the comfort. He misses his own brothers, his parents,  _ home _ . Home when they were younger, before everything happened. 

 

“I know.” He mumbles, “I’m just… I’m  _ scared _ .”

 

Ashton’s brow furrows and he looks worried as he strokes Luke’s hair softly. He shakes his head, “There’s no need to be scared of anything.”

 

“I know but… but what if I can never be with anyone else? What if I’m too scared to be with anyone else in case they hurt me, or what if I… I’m so fucking in love with him, Ashton. Even after everything I still love him so much.”

 

He’s crying now, silently, tears sliding down his cheeks glassily and he’s not making any noise but he’s still embarrassed. He shuffles out from under Ashton’s arm and pulls his knees up to his chest, burying his face in them like he’s trying to hide. 

 

“I know you do.” Ashton tells him quietly.

 

The quiet is quickly broken by Calum rushing into the room, having run down the stairs, and his eyes are slightly wide.

 

“Anyone seen Michael?” He asks with a frown, and both Luke and Ashton shake their heads, moving as if to get off the couch but remaining seated. “He’s not in his bedroom.”

 

“He goes out all the time.” Ashton tells Calum, his voice reassuring. “He’s probably just at another party or something-”

 

“Yeah I know, but,” Calum says, but he shakes his head, breaking off. 

 

Ashton gets up properly, approaching his boyfriend slowly, placing his hands on his shoulders and squeezing them like he’s trying to hold him up. Calum is panicking for some reason, his breaths are quickening and his eyes are wide. 

 

“What is it?” Ashton asks, voice soothing. 

 

“I…” Calum starts, shaking his head and running his hands through his brown curls frustratedly. “I did something.”

 

“What did you do?”

 

Luke slowly rises to his feet too, folding his arms and looking at Calum, waiting expectantly. He’s not really sure what could have the older boy in such a state - Michael goes out all the time. He’s been out for days and not come home before… 

 

“I told him… he….”

 

“Cal.” Ashton prompts gently but still firmly, ever the dad of the group.

 

“He was saying that- he was drinking. I found him drunk all ready before it was even dark and he said that… well, he didn’t say much. He was pissed cos Lukey went on a date and I- I told him to stop being so pathetic. I told him he’s a dick, he has to live with the consequences of it. And then… and then he said he knows he’s a dick. And he… he said that h-he should be dead.”

 

“Oh.” Ashton says flatly, because he has no idea what to say to that.

 

Michael’s always been known to take a negative outlook on life even if he acts positive as best as he can. He always talks about dying neutrally, always makes little comments about how life sucks and how death isn’t something he fears ever, it’s something he would  _ embrace. _ He always says shit like that, but he never says it when he is actually miserable, lonely and drinking in the day time. 

 

“Ash, I didn’t even  _ say anything _ .” Calum continues, and he wipes his wet eyes. “I just looked at him, told him to put the drink down, and left him there. I don’t know why. I just… I don’t know. He’s been a dick lately, I’ve been pissed at him. We all have… but I never thought he would-”

 

He breaks off, shaking his heads and then he looks back to Luke, shying away as if he’s scared for what Luke is going to say. Luke is worrying too. Michael wouldn’t do anything though, he  _ wouldn’t _ . He always says stuff like that. If he runs out of pizza he says it. Even so, he is worried. He doesn’t show it though.

 

The doorbell rings, the pizza is here. Luke moves to the doorway of the living room, stopping to clap Calum on the shoulder. He shrugs his own shoulders and forces a small smile.

 

“It’s Michael.” He says simply, “He’ll be fine. There’s nothing to worry about.”

 

“Luke you don’t-

“ _ He’ll be fine _ .” He insists, going to open the door to the delivery guy. 

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

 

“Hey pretty eyes.”

 

Michael looks up, and he doesn’t know how this stranger is calling his bloodshot tired eyes pretty but he accepts it anyway. He can barely focus his eyes, he’s taken three pills, one more than he normally does, and they’re already starting to have an effect. 

 

“Hi.” He slurs, though it doesn’t even sound like he’s speaking actual words, his own drunken voice is foreign to his ears. 

 

“Want to come back to my place?” The guy asks, not even bothering to keep up the pretense of wanting to get to know Michael like everyone else does. 

 

Michael likes that, he hates the whole foreplay thing when it’s like this. He just wants to get his thrills and be done with it. He gets a vision in the back of his head. Beautiful blue eyes staring at him, pleading with him. He can hear a familiar voice, it’s Luke. 

 

“Stop wrecking yourself.”

  
He hesitates for a second.  _ Luke _ … Luke is on a date with another girl. Luke is moving on. Luke is happy, and Michael has no reason to try and stay sane right now. He just wants to feel good. Downing the last of the drink in his glass, he takes the extended of the hand and allows him to pull him to his feet. He stumbles on the way to the door, and as he goes with the guy back to his apartment he washes any memories of Luke from his mind, with the help of the drugs and the alcohol and the touch of the guy he doesn’t know. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a short chapter for now. I want to say it is a filler but I think it's actually kind of important to the story... thanks to those who have reviewed and left kudos! It means a lot, I'm glad people seem to be enjoying this even if it's kind of sad!
> 
> xx

 

“What the fuck, Ash?” Michael slurs, flinching away from Ashton as the older boy crashes down the dark hallway towards him, shoving his shoulder roughly but not enough to actually hurt. 

 

Michael is drunk so he stumbles, Ashton sighs heavily as he catches him and he can’t help but sigh sympathetically. Michael has been drinking, that much his obvious, and his eyes are bloodshot. Even though he’s sympathetic he’s also kind of pissed because when you’re famous, you can’t just walk around the streets of L.A. when you’re high. Still, he doesn’t say anything about it until they have walked to the kitchen. Ashton deposits Michael onto one of the barstools and gets a big glass of water. Only once Michael has downed two glasses of cold water does Ashton really speak to him. 

 

“Mikey, what are you doing?” He asks, his voice tried. It’s just gone 3 a.m. and he’s been waiting up for ages, not wanting to go to sleep until he knew where Michael was. Luke was all too quick to disregard the situation and Calum eventually fell asleep, but Ashton has been worrying himself sick. He can’t help it, it’s just  _ him _ , he worries and he cares so much. That’s kind of why he gets the Dad role of the group, constantly scolding the other boys and trying to get them to be healthy, organising interviews with their management and scheduling rehearsal times. 

 

“Sitting on a bar stool, I’ve just finished a glass of water and now I’m waiting to be allowed to go to bed.” Michael says, he says it like he is being oh so smart with a triumphant smile. “What are  _ you _ doing, Ash?” 

 

Ashton rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean, Mikey. I’ve been worried about you.”

 

“You don’t have to worry about me. Nobody does.” Michael replies quietly. 

 

Narrowing his eyes slightly, Ashton taps his fingers on the counter to fill the silence as he tries to work out what he is supposed to say in response to that. He moves closer to Michael, ignoring the stench of weed and beer on his breath. 

 

“What do you mean, nobody has to worry about you?” Ashton asks gently, “Michael, you have a  _ life,  _ and so many people care about that. Not just me, the boys, your family, but the fans too. So many people care for you Michael, and… you’re throwing your life away.”

 

Michael laughs, and Ashton would normally be annoyed but now he is just sad. The blue haired boy sounds emotionless and exhausted and like he finds the idea of having a life ridiculous. 

 

“Mikey, I can tell that you’re high. You have been every single night, and you’re… you’re fucking sleeping with anything that breathes, I’m worried about-”

 

“Woah, woah.” Michael says tiredly, waving a hand and staring at nothing, he’s lost. “No need to insult me.”

 

Exasperated, Ashton sighs. He doesn’t know if it’s even worth trying to get through to Michael when he is so sad. He knows what’s going on. He knows that Michael is hurting because he loves Luke, yet for some reason he won’t let himself be with Luke so he is just hurting more. It’s no surprise that Michael is doing anything he can to erase the pain but… 

 

“Michael.” He says gently, and then when the younger boy doesn’t pay attention he repeats it with more force. “ _ Michael.  _ Look at me.”

 

He doesn’t leave him time to look himself, he gently puts his hand to Michael’s face and turns his head so that he looks into Ashton’s brown eyes brimming with worry. Michael’s own eyes are wide and fearful, yet they’re exhausted still. They are sunken into pits of purple and black tiredness, and he looks ready to pass out any second.

 

“Please stop killing yourself.” He pleads, his voice breaking because he can’t lose Michael. They can’t lose anyone, the four of them need to stick together and he can feel the band slowly slipping away, Michael will be the first one to cut the cord, he knows it. “ _ Please _ .”

 

To his mild horror, Michael starts to cry. He’s not really seen Michael cry that much. Calum and probably Luke have, Ashton knows that, but the two of them have never really been as close. Throughout the whole battle going on between Michael and Luke, Ashton has abandoned the blue haired boy and he feels so guilty for that. He feels  _ so  _ guilty, like he’s part of the reason that Michael is turning himself into oblivion. The tears are slow to begin with but then Michael jerks his chin away from Ashton’s fingers, and he buries his head into his arms on the counter; shoulders shaking as loud racking sobs tear from his lungs. Not really sure what to do, Ashton places a gentle hand on the other boy’s shoulder, squeezing it. There’s nothing he can say. He’s so happy with Calum, he’s always been happy in love, he can’t imagine being broken down because of it. Love is supposed to be such a beautiful thing and here it is, driving a young man to the point of swallowing any drug just to forget all about it. 

 

“ _ I’m s-sorry _ .” It sounds like Michael is sobbing the words into his arms, “It’s.. the o-only way that I c-can deal with it. The pain… L-Luke.”

 

Ashton just lets him cry it all out. He takes Michael, holding him in his arms and pulling him into his chest despite the fact that Michael is a lot taller than him, and he places soothing pats on the younger boy’s back. 

 

“I know.” He whispers softly, but he doesn’t know, not really. “I know.”

 

Once Michael has cried all the tears for the moment that he can manage, Ashton takes his hands and tries his best to safely lead him up to his bedroom. Mikey stumbles a lot which isn’t really a surprise. They pass Luke’s room and Michael lets out a little moan and Ashton’s heart wrenches. All Michael needs is Luke. He needs to be with the person he loves, he needs to have the love of his life to take him to bed and to hold him when he is sad, to numb the pain. It should be Luke erasing any traces of misery and sadness, not  _ drugs _ . Pretty much the moment he sees it, Michael crashes down onto his bed, shoes still on and fully dressed, not even underneath the cupboard. He’s still awake though, curled onto his side with head tilted so that he can look up at Ashton. The drummer moves to the end of the bed, unlacing Mikey’s boots and sliding them off of his feet. Slowly, Michael’s eyes close and he looks like he is sleeping. Not wanting to stir him because he’s obviously exhausted (even though he’s probably going to be impossible to wake up for hours now), Ashton goes to get a blanket from his own room. He returns to place it over Michael carefully, but when he’s leaving again he hears his voice behind him. 

 

“Please stay with me, Ashy.”

 

He feels like a tear may roll out of his own eye because never in his life has Ashton heard a voice filled with such misery and desperation. And Ashton is so pissed off at Michael. So unbelievably pissed off because it’s obvious where he’s been and what he’s been up too. His buttons aren’t done up properly, he’s only just coming down from being high. He’s being a massive idiot… but the scolding can wait. Ashton takes one look at the fragile, broken boy in his bed and sighs, arranging himself to lie down, his body cocooned around Michael’s. 

 

“You know I love you, Michael.” He says gently, his voice soft as he looks into the boy’s bloodshot eyes in the dim light of the lamp. “We all love you.”

 

Tears are rolling down Michael’s cheeks and he looks fit to pass out, but he keeps his wide and miserable green eyes on those of the older boy. He forces a shaky smile. 

 

“I... “ he tries to say it, but he struggles slightly, even telling just his friends or his family he loves them is difficult - maybe not as difficult as it’s been with Luke though. Nothing could be as difficult as that. 

 

“Why are you hurting yourself?” Ashton asks quietly, skipping over the gap of Michael’s response. 

 

There’s silence filled with only both of their heavy breaths, sniffs from crying coming from Michael and the sound of quiet. It’s the middle of the night, the silence practically buzzes. Michael is used to it though… he never sleeps, not without Luke. The only thing that makes him sleep is the drugs and the drink, that’s probably why he won’t have one night where he stays sober.

 

“To keep Luke from being hurt.” The younger boy says after a while, and he says it so matter of factly, like the only way to make someone happy is to destroy yourself.

 

They can have the same conversation over and over again, Ashton will never understand it. Maybe  _ Michael  _ doesn’t even understand it. He’d said he would save the talk until tomorrow but Ashton thinks maybe now, when Mikey is most vulnerable, he may manage to get any honesty from him. 

 

“But you’re killing yourself, now, Mikey.” Ashton replies, his voice pleading. “That’s only going to hurt Luke more. Michael, the only thing that boy wants is  _ you _ .”

 

“He’s moved on now.” He sounds breathless, his eyes are slowly dropping shut. 

 

Ashton thinks of Luke, returning on his date from Arzaylea. He didn’t look as miserable as he has done recently, but he didn’t look…  _ in love.  _ Like he looks, or used to look anyway, every time he entered the room after obviously just being with Michael in his room, or even just going out to get lunch and he would come back smiling like someone’s just offered him the world. 

“He’s not moved on.” Ash insists, taking Mikey’s hand under the blanket and squeezing it slightly. “He’ll never be able to just  _ move on.  _ He’s trying to stop the pain. He just wants a way to deal with everything, he thinks you don’t love him at all so his logic is to just date someone else and hope he’ll fall in love with them. You’re not keeping him from being hurt, you’re just hurting him more. I’m sorry if it’s harsh for me to say so, but you’re killing him. You’re killing yourself and you’re killing him… he loves you so much and I know that you love him too. Why can’t you just accept the best thing for you both is to be together? You love him, you won’t hurt him. Let him get close to you!” He’s all talked out now and he has to take a breather.

 

It’s only then that he notices Michael is snoring softly, and his eyes are fully closed and he’s already in a deep sleep. He didn’t listen to a word Ashton just said. 

 

He looks at his sleeping face. 

  
“He loves you.” He says even though Mikey can’t focus on his words… though part of him thinks Michael may be pretending just so that he can avoid talking about it any more. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for this rather crappy update. I wrote this kind of fast and I'm very tired so it may be a kind of all over the place chapter. Still, hope it's alright. :)

“Will you two help me clean?” Ashton grumbles from the other side of the living room, turning the plug off on the vacuum cleaner. “This is more  _ your  _ mess than mine.”

 

Michael isn’t listening though, he never listens. He spends all his time at home sleeping and ignoring the others, he finds it almost impossible to concentrate on anything these days, it’s all that he can do to pluck the strings of his guitar.

 

“Why do  _ we  _ have to clean? It’s Luke’s girlfriend that’s coming round.” Calum grumbles, but then he shoots Mikey a nervous glance, scared that use of the phrase ‘Luke’s girlfriend’ could send him over the edge. 

 

Ashton does the same, his eyes coming to rest on Mikey’s face with worry. It’s been about two weeks now since he slept in Michael’s bed and tried to talk some sense to him… and he’s just getting worse. He doesn’t sleep, he spends all his nights out partying and he doesn’t come home until late in the next day, he barely eats and when he  _ does  _ join in conversation it’s only with bitterness. 

 

“It’s a last minute decision.” Ashton tries to insist, “Come on, help me, Cal. I’ll make it up to you later…”

 

Calum hesitates but that’s clearly an offer he can’t refuse, he rolls his eyes exaggeratingly, getting to his feet and picking up a dirty bowl from the coffee table. Michael doesn’t make any move to help, he just turns the volume on the TV up as Ashton starts to hoover the carpet again. He has no interest in helping to clean up for Luke. Well, there’s a small part of him that wants to. The whole reason that all of this is going on is because he wants Luke to be happy, so surely that means helping him to have a happy relationship? But then again, to be happy Luke doesn’t exactly need a girlfriend and Michael doesn’t particularly want Luke and this Arzaylea girl to be together. Watching the screen of the TV intently, he can sense that Calum and Ashton want to get frustrated. They normally would, they would call him lazy and tell him to get off of his fat ass… but they’re being somewhat sensitive now. 

 

They hear the front door open way too soon. Michael’s been worrying about it for the entire day since he discovered that Luke’s bringing his new ‘girlfriend’ home. He doesn’t want to meet the girl who is replacing his spot with Luke, he doesn’t want to meet the girl who could take his place in the younger boy’s heart. Still, he stays seated on the couch, and when two sets of footsteps grow nearer, Calum and Ashton hurry to sit down too. It seems so staged and fake. 

 

_ Like the girl herself,  _ Michael thinks spitefully, because Luke has entered the room and he’s not alone. His eyes fall on her,  _ Arzaylea _ , he thinks to himself with a sneer. She’s not ugly, but just seeing her next to Luke… it unsettles him. 

 

“Hey guys,” Luke says, and it feels like there was way too long of a silence, but really Michael had just been trapped, lost, as he saw Luke with his girlfriend for the first time. “This is Arzaylea.”

 

Calum and Ashton are nice enough, saying hey and it’s good to meet her properly, and they ask how she is. She’s looking at Michael expectantly, like she’s waiting for him to talk to her. He doesn’t want to though. He’s looking at what she’s wearing… it’s a shirt. The shirt belongs to Luke, and Michael fucking knows because he was there when he bought it. He took him into the changing rooms and watched as he tried it on, and Luke grinned as he watched Mikey checking him out. She’s staring right back at him, and he doesn’t break eye contact even though he can feel Luke frowning at him.

 

“...Um, Arz, you kind of know Cal and Ashton but,” he hesitates, and it’s such a slight hesitation that Michael only sees it because he always notices Luke, even the smallest of movements. “This is Michael.”

 

“Hi.” She says to him in an annoying voice. 

 

He doesn’t want to say anything whatsoever. He doesn’t want to have to see her or talk to her, he doesn’t want to pretend to like her even if he does want Luke to be happy. She’s not right, not even just because he’s jealous… something about her gives off a bad vibe to Michael. Like she doesn’t even seem to care for Luke at all. Where Michael notices every small thing about the younger boy, she has no emotion in her eyes when she looks at him. They’ve both sat down on the sofa now and there’s a huge space between them, they’re not even touching. Luke just looks tense and nervous. Even so, he can feel everyone watching him, waiting to see what he’ll do. And even though he doesn’t think Arzaylea is right for Luke… when he sees the tension in his shoulders and the worry in his bright blue eyes, Michael sighs quietly. He can’t let Luke down, not once more. 

 

“Hello.” He says with a nod. He doesn’t return the smile she gives him though, he just stays stony faced as he examines her. 

 

Everybody starts talking about something, Michael doesn’t even know what. Ashton asks Arzaylea how she’s been or something, and then she starts talking.  _ Please shut up,  _ Michael thinks to himself,  _ your voice makes me want to swallow glass.  _ Not focusing on her words, Michael is just aware of one thing: she talks about herself for ten solid minutes. When she finally stops to ask Ashton how he is in return, she shuffles close to Luke. And Michael notices that she keeps his eyes on him the whole time she does so, even though Michael’s not the one talking to her, and her lips twitch up into a smirk as she places her hand on his leg and squeezes it, and she leans into his side. Luke is looking anywhere  _ but  _ at Michael, on the other hand, he’s staring intently at his legs and Arzaylea’s tangling around them like a clingy snake. 

 

Maybe he’s being a bit harsh, Michael thinks to himself, and maybe he  _ is  _ letting jealousy take over. After all, she can’t help how she sounds when she speaks or anything of the sort but… he doesn’t like her. He never will, and he never will like anyone that Luke brings home. He’s trying to abandon his feelings at all, trying to disregard them completely. That doesn’t stop the pain surging through his veins with his blood, the pain and the sadness and the jealousy. He can’t handle it, he can’t handle being in a room at the same time as Luke when he is with somebody else. 

 

“I’m going to go.” He says, getting to his feet and putting a hand to his hungover head. 

 

Ashton isn’t about to ignore that though… “To the bar?” He asks quietly, normally… but Mikey hears the challenge in his voice. The challenge and also the plea,  _ please don’t _ . It’s not even that late.

 

“No.” Michael replies shortly, and it’s not a lie, not really. He’s going there  _ later _ . For now he just needs to get out of the house for a while. 

 

He’s going to leave without saying anything more, his lips are sealed. Until he sees how Arzaylea is grinning, like she knows that she’s won some unspoken battle. And Luke is smiling too, smiling like a lovesick idiot. Surely he doesn’t love her? He can’t love someone else, he can’t love Michael either but… no. He doesn’t really know why he says it. Anger? Spite?

 

On his way to the door, he leans down when he passes Arzaylea on the sofa. 

 

_ “ _ Make sure you get him to suck your dick.” He stage whispers, not wanting to turn around and see how disgusted, how shocked everyone is with him. “He’s  _ especially  _ good at that.”

 

Winking at her, and feeling slightly smug at the confusion clear on the girl’s face, he stalks from the room, leaving a stunned silence in his wake. 

 

\- - - - - - - --  - - -- - - - -  -- - - - 

 

“I thought I’d find you here.”

 

Michael looks up. He gave up on his walk a long time ago and is now sat on a bench along the beach, looking out at the L.A coastline. He likes it here, but still… he misses a time before. He missed London more than Australia. Even though he desperately wants to go home, he misses London because that’s the home of their career, where they lived when they first got big. It’s the place where he and Luke first got together and they lived there for two months, living almost like a couple even though they kept it a secret from the others. Still, being in LA is nice for the coastline and the beach is good to clear Michael’s head. Not that he’s doing much clearing. He lifts a bottle of beer instead of saying hello. 

 

“It’s not even dark yet.” Calum says, and his voice is sad as he sits down beside his friend. “A little early for drinking alone.”

 

At that, Michael forces a grin despite his particularly foul mood, and he kicks the other three beers still in their box at his feet. Calum hesitates, because he was trying to encourage Mikey to put the drink down, but he picks one up anyway and teasingly blesses the screw top beers as he opens it. 

 

“Are you alright, Mikey?” He asks after sipping some, and by the way he says it, Michael knows he actually wants a real answer. 

 

He doesn’t answer at all, though. He sighs and shrugs his shoulders, even though he really wants to tell the truth: no. He’s not alright and he feels like he never will be again. It’s his own fault though, and he knows it. He also knows that as it is his own fault, he has no right to be pissed at Luke for trying to move on. But he is. 

 

“I feel bad for leaving Ashton with Luke and Arzaylea.” Calum tries to make conversation, “She won’t stop asking about how her many follows think she looks like Kylie Jenner.”

 

“You don’t seem to like her.” Michael points out, and even though he says it flat and quiet, he’s slightly happy. Maybe he’s not being completely unreasonable. 

 

“No, not really.” Calum admits with a nod, “But… Luke seems to.” 

 

“So you think I should be nice.” Michael finishes for him, because he knows that Calum didn’t just come for a beer and a chat. He came because Michael is a dick and somebody needs to tell him to stop fucking things up for Luke. He doesn’t need to be told though, he  _ knows  _ it. He  _ knows  _ that he is a dick and he is selfish and he ruins everything for everyone. Just because he tries his hardest to forget it, it’s always nagging in the back of his mind even flooded with alcohol, and he doesn’t need anyone to tell him. 

 

Calum sighs, and he hesitantly places a hand on Michael’s arm, bare beneath the burning heat of the setting sun. 

 

“Mikey I know you’re hurting. And don’t have a go at me because I know why you did it and I’m not trying to upset you,” Michael winces slightly, because Calum sounds scared, like he thinks Michael will hurl a punch at him if he dares speak his opinion. “But you hurt Luke. And you can’t… you can’t blame him for trying to get over it. He’s been miserable for months, and he should try and move on from it. Do you really want him to be heartbroken forever?”

 

Michael thinks. He sits silently and thinks, because he knows Calum has a point. Unfortunately, it is true that Luke has to move on, and Michael agrees that he doesn’t want Luke to be upset forever. Not hating him, he can’t handle it, and he  _ is  _ glad that Luke actually eats and smiles and comes out of his room.

 

“I just don’t think this Arzaylea girl is right.” He admits gently, sniffing. “She’s… she’s not right for him.”

 

_ I am _ , he hears himself think.  _ I’m not though,  _ he argues,  _ I’m the exact wrong thing for him. I’m going to hurt him, but  _ she  _ will hurt him too _ . 

 

“Yeah.” Calum surprises Michael by agreeing, “Yeah, I didn’t do a good job with that.”

 

Michael freezes. Narrowing his eyes, he tries to make sense of his words… maybe the alcohol is already starting to have an effect on him, but that’s not likely. He’s been building up a tolerance for a while now, it takes a lot more than one bottle of bad, cheap beer to make him even tipsy. He heard Calu right. 

 

“What do you mean?” He asks.

 

Calum’s eyes are wide and he hastily holds his hands out, a lame defence. “I…”

 

“Why does  _ them  _ being a bad couple link back to you not doing a good job?”

 

Shrinking back slightly, Calum shakes his head. He doesn’t know what to say and that’s obvious - he is speechless because he’s… he’s  _ scared _ . That would upset Michael but now he wants Calum to just be truthful, because he already knows what direction this is going in. 

 

“I’m… I just mean that-”

 

“Cal.” Michael cuts him off, and he is gentle but he’s furious. He’s shaking with anger because Calum is his best friend and surely he wouldn’t betray him? 

 

“I… I may have- I’m the one that told Luke he needs to start trying to move on.” Calum says in a low shaking whisper. 

 

That’s bad enough, the fact that Calum is telling  _ Luke  _ to move on, like he’s telling Luke to disregard Michael completely even though Mikey secretly thought that he was Cal’s best friend, not  _ Luke _ . It’s always like that. Calum and Michael, Luke and Ashton. 

 

“And I told him to try and talk to Arzaylea.”

 

Even though they’re out in public and not even in the privacy of their own home, and they could easily be recognised and people will start taking photos and it will be all over the news:  **Michael Clifford and Calum Hood: Sundown feud?** Michael rises to his feet, turning on Calum to look down at him and he doesn’t try to hide his fury. He gets any pain he is feeling towards the fact that Cal would turn on him too and he mixes it with his anger. 

 

“How the fuck could you do that to me?” He demands, raising his voice slightly. “What the fuck Calum? Did you just… did you just forget about me? Did you just… you  _ know  _ how I feel about Luke and you’re the one that told him to try and move on?”

 

Calum doesn’t look as worried or upset anymore - he looks equally as angry. He rises to his feet too, shaking his head. 

 

“I don’t know how you feel!” He argues, “Nobody knows, because you won’t let anyone in! And you fucking  _ broke up  _ with him!”

  
  


“You know why I did that, I did that  _ because  _ I love him-”

 

“If you love him, why break his heart and then just expect him to remain miserable forever?” Calum fires back, eyes blazing. “Was I supposed to just let him stay lonely? He’s my friend too, Michael, and he needed help to try and cheer up!”

 

“So you take him to a party and have some fun with him or something!”

 

“I did!”

 

“You didn’t have to make him hook up with another person!” Michael yells, and he knows he is being irrational too. 

 

He always seems to know what he is doing is wrong but lately he just doesn’t care. It’s like he tries to do as much of a wrong thing as possible, straying as far as he can from being good, kind and caring and a loyal friend. He spoils every single thing. They’re shouting an awful lot, they are all too aware of passers by stopping to look at them with interest. When Calum notices he looks like he’s about to try and tell Michael they need to go and sort it out at home. 

 

“You’re meant to have my back, man!” Michael lowers his voice slightly but he’s still loud, he’s still obviously furious.

 

“I’m meant to have Luke’s back too! You won’t even  _ let  _ me have your back, you act like a dick and then you don’t even come to me.” Calum protests, he’s trying to be much gentler as he speaks now though, not wanting to infuriate his ‘friend’ any longer. “You’re being… unreasonable. I just wanted to make Luke try and move on, he’s-”

 

Without even registering it, Michael once again rounds on his friend. Every single feeling he’s been having for the past month, more than that, it’s all fuelling up his anger. Calum hasn’t even done anything  _ that  _ bad, he knows that but he’s angry and he needs a target. His fists are raised, and he’s swearing, and he’s so close to punching his best friend, to hurting  _ Calum _ . Only the terrified gasp that escapes Calum’s lungs at the last minute makes him realise what he is doing, and he freezes. He shakes his head as if trying to adjust to light, and his eyes focus on Calum and the guy looks  _ terrified.  _ Nobody should ever look at their best friend like that, Michael thinks to himself, and it’s no wonder Calum opted to try and cheer Luke up over him. Michael is a dick to everyone, even the people he loves the most. Instantly, Michael lowers his fists and he feels tears prick his eyes, and he goes to grab at Calum’s shirt gently, try to make him listen to him.

 

“No, Cal,  _ please listen, _ I’m so so sorry, I don’t even- it’s just that my head has been a mess lately, I fucked up. I know it’s not your fault, I-”

 

“ _ That’s enough _ .” Calum interrupts forcefully, and he pushes Michael away from him. “You… I don’t even know who you are anymore.” He murmurs, “You’re not… you’re not you. You’re pushing everyone away and hurting yourself more and more as you do so.”

 

“I know, and I’m sorry-”

  
But Calum is turning and he is walking away. Michael hurt Luke, and he hurt Calum. He pushes everyone away, Cal is right. He watches as his oldest friend walks away, back in the direction of their house, and he stops to throw his bottle of beer in the bin and he doesn’t look back. He didn’t even do anything wrong, he just acted as a  _ friend,  _ and Michael almost  _ hit  _ him. He’s a monster. He doesn’t deserve anyone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I must reiterate - I am well aware the fandom hates Arzaylea etc and I don't really like her either; but the way she is within this story is not me trying to hate or anything, just fitting it around the story.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Features drug use and some not too detailed smut :-)

 

Michael tilts his head back, letting out a groan of pleasure as the guy he’s with sucks his dick. He doesn’t know who it is, and he doesn’t care - all he knows it, whatever he is doing it feels good. A nice good feeling within a mess of misery and anger. 

 

“Right there.” he encourages the stranger in a gruff voice as his member hardens, and he closes his eyes tightly shut. 

 

If he can do that, it’s easier for him to think about something else - think that the pleasure he is experiencing is all coming from Luke. He can imagine that the hair is hand is gripping onto roughly but not enough to hurt, he can imagine that it’s Luke. He can even picture that there is blue diamonds right in front of him - Luke’s eyes, looking into his as he sucks his cock. It’s not though, he’s not stupid. Once he comes and the guy gets off of him, rolling over to lie flat on his back beside Mikey in the bed, he has to remind himself. No cuddling, no need to comfort him because this stranger is not his loved by submissive friend, it’s some guy that he doesn’t even know. 

 

The two men lie breathless, not speaking to one another. Michael’s not asked to leave right away though, which is a plus. He can’t really be bothered to find a way home, maybe this guy will let him stay for the night. Or maybe they’ll have another go at it - before the blowjob they fucked and Michael didn’t feel a thing, not really. There was a slight awakening feel of life amidst the darkness in his mind at the moment, but he didn’t feel anything amazing. Not like when he is with Luke. He curses to himself under his breath, he has to stop comparing things to Luke. He’s becoming a downer, and everyone hates him for it. To be fair, everyone in the band hates him anyway at the moment. Well, maybe not Ash, but Cal and Luke definitely do. That hurts him, but even the feeling of pain is ebbing away now.

 

“What?” 

 

The guy is speaking and for a moment Michael is confused but then he realises he must have spoken loud enough to be heard when he cursed his own thoughts. Staring up at the ceiling still, Mikey slowly shakes his head.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Whatever. You want some weed?”

 

Shrugging his shoulders slightly, Michael sits up. He’s still completely naked, but the stranger pulls on some pants so Mikey does the same, opting to keep his shirt off as he follows the guy to sit on the large sill of his window, pushing the french doors open. He watches as the man rolls a blunt, and as he does he focuses on his face. He looks kind of similar to Luke, not in a way that’s creepy but, long limbed and blonde with blue eyes, though his are closer to grey. His skin is more tanned though, and he looks older. Not loads older, but Luke has always looked young to Miket. It’s one of the things he loves about him, the innocence in his eyes and his cute and dorky smile. Accepting the blunt, Michael picks up a random lighter from the desk below them, lighting up and putting the roll up to his lips. 

 

“What’s your name?” He asks when he’s taking a break to exhale.

 

“Evan.” The man replies, looking up with his eyebrows slightly raised. “And you’re Michael.”

 

“Right…” Mikey replies with a frown, “Sorry. Did you tell me your name already?”

 

“Twice.” Evan replies with a shrug, but he’s smiling anyway. 

 

They’re quiet for a bit. Evan’s apartment is in a nice area of town not too far from the beach, and by the looks of the building and the things he has inside of it, he’s quite well off. That makes Mikey wonder what he was doing in the bar in which they met, further downtown, but then; he’s not exactly poor himself. He wonders if Evan knows who is he, that he just slept with Michael Clifford. Something tells him he doesn’t know, he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who listens to bands like his own. 

 

“What’s your deal anyway?”

 

He jumps slightly because he was so lost in thought, lifting his chin slightly in indignation. “What do you mean by that?”

 

“I don’t mean anything by it.” Evan replies with a shrug, “Just wondering. You don’t look too happy right now, is all. And have you slept at all in the past month or so?”

 

“Excuse me? Why are you-”

 

“No, I’m not trying to insult you.” Evan assures the blue haired boy and he’s actually smiling. “I just like to learn about people. Especially after I’ve just fucked them and sucked them off,  _ and  _ I’ve given them some of my stash.”

 

With a glance to the blunt of weed in his hand, Mikey nods his head slowly. There’s nothing wrong with sharing a bit about himself he guesses, it’s not like he’ll ever see him again. Although, he could secretly be a reporter or something just trying to get gossip about 5Sos and doing well at pretending he has no clue who Michael is. 

 

“There’s just a lot of shit going down in my life right now.”

 

“There’s loads of kinds of shit. How’s yours?”

 

Sighing heavily, Michael intently stares at the cars passing down below - despite it being the middle of the night, there’s still quite a few. “Try freaking out when someone says they love you, so telling them they mean nothing to you because for some reason you think it makes them happier even though clearly it doesn’t, so now I have to live with the memory of the pain I’ve been causing Luke for fucking ages and now he’s moving on and I’m so pissed off about it. I mean, it’s my own problem, I’m the one who fucking stamped all over his heart. I don’t really have any right to be upset that he’s trying to get over me, I mean, I pretty much  _ made  _ it happen. So now I just know that I’m a selfish dick who won’t let anyone be happy ever apparently.”

 

Evan looks slightly lost, so with a roll of his eyes, Michael goes back to the beginning. To London, when Luke first sucked his dick and their relationship started. He goes on for ages, speaking about every single thing. He almost cries once -  _ almost -  _ but he doesn’t, thank god. That would have really made him feel bad. And he doesn’t even know why he is talking to Evan. He hasn’t opened up to anyone about anything for what feels like forever, and now he’s here leaking his soul, every single feeling and memory about himself and Luke and about the drugs and the one night stands, he’s pouring it all out like an overflowing bottle. 

 

“And now Calum hates me too, and Ash probably does as well. And I’m here with you.” He finishes, and his throat almost feels sore from talking for so long. 

 

“Wow.” Evan replies, voice deadpan, “No offence, Michael, but… you fucked up.”

 

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

 

They’re quiet again for a while, the cars are mostly gone now, it’s really the dead of night and the streets below are dead with it. Michael is still alive though,  _ unfortunately _ he thinks to himself. 

 

“Why don’t you just… tell him everything? If you now know that telling him you don’t love him, and that staying apart from him is just hurting him more, then why don’t you explain everything?”

 

“He… he’s moving on now.” Michael replies though even he can hear the disbelief in his own voice. “If I explain, it won’t change anything. I’m too late.” 

 

“You’re not too late.” Evan insists, “Not  _ yet _ . Wait anymore, and yeah, it’ll be too late. Just go now and tell him the truth, tell him you love him. And, even if he  _ has  _ moved on which I highly doubt… some of the pain will be gone.”

 

“I don’t think it will ever be gone.”

 

“ _ Michael _ .” Evan chides like a disapproving elder. “Go now and tell him. Things will get better.”

 

There’s a long hesitation. Mikey thinks about everything, whether or not he thinks that Evan, a stranger, is actually right. And for the first time in forever, he actually starts to fully trust someone. Nodding his head slowly, he gets down off the window sill. He’s still high and he’s still kind of drunk thanks to the bottles of beer Evan was giving him throughout his recounting of the story of his life, and he picks up his shirt. Evan takes him to the front door, leading him of the apartment. 

 

“Thank you.” Michael says, and he means it.

 

The walk home isn’t actually that long. He could get a cab but he can’t really be bothered, half an hour seems like nothing at all. Each step he takes he grows more nervous. Is he really about to end all the misery, because a stranger told him to do so? Mostly, he doesn’t think Luke will take him back. He may accept the apology Michael is mentally preparing for all the lies he told that causes Luke so much pain, but he won’t get back with him. But… he might do. If his love for Michael is really that strong, he’ll accept him with open arms. Maybe Michael shouldn’t let him do that, but he probably won’t be able to help it. He’s been trying so avoid it for so long but now that he is on the way to set things right… 

 

He loves Luke so damned much. The love fills him like his life, like it’s the only thing running through his veins which is why since the love got tainted he’s started to - well, started to die. Maybe that dying has been happening because he’s been causing it himself with the drugs and the drink and the sex, and the disregarding of feelings completely. He’s only been doing that stuff though because he’s been losing the will to do anything. Love for Luke is the only thing that keeps him going. It keeps his heart beating, keeps the blood running from his head to his toes. 

 

He gets home in almost no time. Letting himself in as quietly as he can, though he stumbles slightly and drops his keys, he ascends the stairs. He passes Calum’s room, and he wants to go in and say sorry for almost hitting him, but the only priority for him right  _ now _ is Luke. Everything is going to be okay. Evan’s right, he  _ has _ to be right. 

 

When he gets to Luke’s door, he pauses to compose himself. He takes deep breaths because he as nervous as heck and his legs are quaking, fingers are trembling, his thoughts are reeling. With his shaking hand he knocks gently on the door,  _ one two three,  _ and then without even waiting for a response he opens the door…

 

And suddenly every single scripted thing he’s had on his mind is taken, like a hand is reaching down his throat and dragging the prepared apologies and declarations of love from his very soul and crushing them right in front of his eyes. Also right in front of his eyes is the very thing he’s been crying about every night. 

 

Luke is staring back at him with horror, his body beneath the duvet of his bed and above Arzaylea’s, who is looking at Michael with slight disgust and also smugness. Michael feels like he is about to throw up. That’s  _ his  _ Luke, the Luke he was coming to declare his love for, the Luke he has been craving to kiss and to hold…  _ his Luke is with somebody else. _ He’s known that all along but he didn’t think they would be having sex and that he would walk in on it. His legs weaken because weighing down his shoulders now are tonnes of pain, jealousy, anger, misery. _ His Luke _ . Despite the girl’s protests, Luke scrambles off of her and reaches for his clothes, and he’s speaking words but Mikey doesn’t really understand what the words are. He’s frozen there on the spot, unable to do a thing - until he’s not. 

  
He turns, bolting down the stairs, out of the door again and away into the night. Away from Luke, the last of his scripted apology dying on the tip of his tongue like poison.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may be another chapter tonight as I didn't upload yesterday! Hope this one was good. x


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah that double update the other day didn't happen, sorry about that haha. Still, it's the weekend now so more writing can be done! :-)
> 
> Again features reference to drugs and alcohol but that's kind of the norm for this story now...

“Luke.” Arzaylea says in an insistent tone, grabbing at the material of his T-shirt as he hurriedly gets dressed. “Luke, you can’t just go, we were just-” “Exactly Arzaylea, we were just having sex and Michael walked in on us and now he is fucking gone!” Luke retorts, shifting away slightly so he is too far for her to reach from the bed. Wrapping the duvet around her naked body, Arzaylea moves to sit up properly, rolling her eyes. She watches with a scowl as Luke gets dressed to go and chase after Mikey, though god knows where he is gone. “Why does it matter so much if he saw us and is now gone? Wouldn’t you leave the room if you walked in on some people fucking?” “You don’t understand.” Luke says, exasperated. “What is there to understand? He saw us fucking and now he’s left, probably embarrassed. Why do you have to chase after him?” When Luke doesn’t reply, she mutters, “I don’t see why he even matters.” Now lacing up his shoes, Luke glares at the floor because he knows that Arzaylea knows what the problem is here. They’ve never directly spoken about it but she must know the truth about Luke and Michael, by the way she hates Mikey and how she talks about him, how she tried to rub into his face that she and Luke are together… she just wants him to say it out loud. He’s also furious because how dare she say that Michael doesn’t matter? He’s one of the most important people in Luke’s life, friends at the moment or not, benefits or not, he’s his bandmate too, and one of the people he loves most on this earth. “I just have to, alright?” He snaps. She pouts her lips like a stropping toddler, and Luke is irritated with her but he still leans down to place a kiss to her pouting lips. “I’ll be back, okay babe?” “Don’t be too long.” She replies, sighing as she lies back down against the pillows. “Just tell him to fucking knock before he comes barging into your room next time and be done with it.” Frowning one more, Luke turns and leaves the room, and the moment he checks Mikey’s room to be certain he’s not there, he runs down the stairs and out of the front door. He has no fucking idea where Michael would go, he’s got so many places he goes at night. One of the many clubs LA has to offer, some random guy’s house, crashing a random party… but for some reason Luke doesn’t think he would go to any of those places tonight, not after what he just saw. He feels terrible, and he shouldn’t feel terrible. Mikey broke up with him, not the other round, he doesn’t really have anything to feel terrible about. It’s not like he cheated or anything like that… still, he heads towards the bench along the beach that Michael goes to when he wants to think. It’s not far, and running through the silent, dead night he gets there in no time. He’s not silent himself though - at the sound of approaching footfall, Michael looks up and his eyes widen as he realises Luke is coming after him. He’s holding a bottle of something, Luke doesn’t know where he got it, and gets to his feet, stumbling away from Luke. He tries to run but he can barely move three steps before almost tripping to the ground. Therefore it’s not difficult for Luke to catch up with him, gripping Michael’s arm tightly and turning him round to meet his eyes. When he meets Michael’s beautiful green eyes, and when he sees how much pain fills them, his breath is taken away and he has no idea what he wants to say. What’s there to say? He can’t exactly apologise for having sex with his girlfriend, and he can’t apologise that Michael walked in, either. “What did you want?” He says, mostly just out of want for something to say, and he knows maybe it’s not the right thing to ask. Michael shakes his head, and he tries to stumble away again, but Luke holds his grip tight on the smaller boy. Eyes scanning around quickly, Mikey looks like he is trying to find a way out but then his eyes flicker back down top Luke’s hand wrapped around his forearm and he gives up trying to escape it. “You.” He says in a broken voice, like he’s holding onto one thread and any second now, he’ll be able to do nothing but cry. “I just wanted you.” He falls to his knees, and Luke’s so lost in thought all of a sudden that he doesn’t even manage to hold him up, he just lets him fall. He is crying now, he’s broken. Michael is completely broken, falling to shattered pieces on the ground as he sobs, loud sobs that fill the dark of the night, they sound so pained that it makes Luke’s heart hurt. He can’t handle looking at Mikey like this, but he doesn’t know what to say. If Michael wanted him, surely he wouldn’t have said all that stuff about never loving Luke, never being able to love him in the future. Using him just for sex. “I just want you, Luke. But I fucked everything up like I always do, I let everything fall to shit and now… I’ve lost you. I don’t know what to do anymore, Luke. You… you’re the only thing good I had.” He’s wrong. He has the band, the fans, his family, everyone. Luke doesn’t say that though. He doesn’t know what to say. Maybe he should be saying this all back, admitting the truth, that he doesn’t even like Arzaylea not really, and that he wants Michael too. That he loves Michael. But Michael broke his heart, Michael made him miserable, Michael took all of the light out of Luke for such a long time and the younger boy is not prepared yet, he feels as if he’ll never be ready to let himself confess his love for Mikey again. Not after last time. Staying silent instead, Luke falls to his knees too, and he wraps his arms around the older boy as tightly as he can, burying his face into his neck. Michael just cries, his tears soaking the fabric of Luke’s shirt, the sounds of utter despair pouring from his lungs causing Luke to ache all over. “I’m sorry.” Michael whispers suddenly, “I’m sorry for fucking everything up, I’m sorry for-” “Shh.” Luke soothes gently, taking Michael by the shoulders and pushing him up slightly so that they are looking into one another’s eyes again. He shakes his head, “Mikey, don’t apologise, okay? I don’t know why you did what you did and I never will but… let’s just go home, okay? You’re drunk and you’re high, you just need a good night’s-” “I can’t get a good night’s sleep.” Michael murmurs so quietly it’s almost silent, and he tears his eyes from Luke’s blue ones, instead he looks up at the stars because they seem to comfort him. “I never get a good night’s sleep these days. Not since I’ve been able to go to sleep with you.” Then you shouldn’t have stopped that from being able to happen, Luke thinks to himself He doesn’t know what to feel, sympathy, love, misery, anger, frustration? He has no clue. So he doesn’t feel any of them, well, tries not to. Getting to his feet, he hoists Michael up too, and begins to drag him back in the direction of the road home. He would call a car but he feels bad waking the drivers up so late, they’ll just have to walk. It’ll take a while though - Michael keeps stumbling and tripping. Then he falls to the floor, hitting the ground hard. “Oh Michael.” Luke says with a tired sigh, he’s exhausted and wants to sleep, and he’s also just so tired of seeing Mikey this way. Drunk and with red eyes from smoking weed, wrecking himself. He’s so sick of it. It’s when he crouches down beside the blue haired boy that he notices a fallen bag of white powder that fell from Mikey’s pocket. He stares down at it, glaring a little because Mikey knows they’re not supposed to go near that stuff, management would kill them and it’s just bad anyway. He’ll save the rant for tomorrow, though. He goes to try and get Michael back to his feet, but when he wraps his hands around him, Michael flinches back slightly, jerking his head away so that he is meeting Luke’s eyes. “I want you.” He whispers, “I lo… love…” “Don’t.” Luke warns sternly, because that’s not fair, after all the pain of the past however many months, Michael can’t just say that he loves Luke after all of that. So Michael doesn’t. But he does reach up, knotting his fingers into Luke’s blonde hair and adjusting himself slightly. Luke knows what is happening and he knows he should stop it before it even starts, but he lets Michael pull his head down and place his lips desperately to his own, and then they are kissing. It’s like when you don’t realise you are starving until you smell takeaway pizza steam drifting up the stairs towards you, because you’ve learned to get good at controlling your hunger pains. Luke is ravenous, kissing back greedily, feeling Michael’s warmth flowing through himself, his tongue and his lips and the taste of weed and beer on his breath. The feel of his own hair being tugged at by Michael… I don’t love you and I never could. You’re just a friend to me. A dirty little secret. It’s those words, the words Michael spoke to him oh so long ago now, the words he has been managing to forget, to push from his mind. Why do they come back now? I never loved you… “No.” He gasps, breaking the kiss apart. “No!” He’s filled again with sadness and anger and humiliation, the memory of those words bringing it all back. He shakes his head before letting his eyes readjust, and when his eyes focus on Michael he is just reminded of the way he had looked at him when he admitted that he didn’t love him. He pushes Michael off of him, so that he falls back onto his hands, and he gets hurriedly to his feet, panting, panicking because he almost let himself fall back into the danger of Michael’s heart again. “You can’t do that.” He shouts, “You…” His eyes scan to the ground and to the bag of cocaine, and he suddenly doesn’t care if Michael is choosing to destroy himself, he destroyed Luke and is now trying to do it again, when if he is going to damage anyone it should be himself. Crouching back down, he picks the bag up and he forcefully pushes it into Michael’s chest. “Take it.” He snaps, slightly surprised by the cold ire in his own voice. Rising back to his feet, he turns and walks away, leaving Michael on his now, no longer along the beach but in the middle of the road which he hadn’t even realised they were kissing in until now. He starts off at a run now, desperate to get away from the confusion of the kiss, from the memory of Michael’s words, from everything. Back to Arzaylea, leaving Michael on his own like Mikey did him all those months ago now.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, mentions drug and alcohol use.

 

Luke is awoke mid-afternoon, his phone blaring from the other side of the room even though he’s certain he fell asleep with it beside him last night. Yawning loudly, he gets out of bed, crossing the room to answer it, he can hear the shower running in the bathroom which explains why the bed is empty. He frowns at the caller ID before picking up. 

 

“Ash?” He asks tiredly, “Why are you calling me? Aren’t you home? What’s the matter?”

 

On the other end of the line he can hear crying, at least he  _ thinks  _ it is crying, loud sniffling sounds and heavy breaths. “Ash, what is it?”

 

“I-It’s Michael. Mikey, he uh…. h-he’s in hosp-hospital.”

 

_ What the fuck?  _ Luke thinks to himself. Why on earth would Michael be in hospital? But then he thinks back to the night before,  leaving Mikey alone in the middle of the road drunk and drugged up with a bag of cocaine to hand. To Michael having a breakdown, kissing Luke…  _ everything _ . Luke just left him but he can’t feel bad about that. 

 

“Why h-haven’t you b-been answering my texts or calls?” Ashton asks through sobs. “We need you  _ h-here  _ Luke.” 

 

“I’ve been asleep.”

 

“It says that you read the texts, a-and it looked like you c-cancelled the calls. Hung up after a few rings every time.”

 

Scratching his unshaven chin absently, thinking, Luke shakes his head. “I don’t know.” He mutters, and his thoughts wander to the only other person who could have got to his phone,  _ Arzaylea; _ but then worry hits him again. “Why’s Mikey in hospital? What’s happened?”

 

“We don’t know.” Ashton replies, sounding slightly frustrated, “Just get here now.”

 

“I will. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Luke says, hanging up the phone and running round the room hurriedly, picking up jeans and a random shirt. As he is sliding some shoes onto his feet, the bathroom door opens and Arzaylea emerges, wet hair fanned around her face. 

 

“Where are you going?” She asks, pouting in her childish way again. “I thought we could-”

 

“Where do you  _ think  _ I’m going?” Luke cuts her off, snapping. “You read the texts, didn’t you?”

 

Flames rush to her cheeks and she narrows her eyes, pulling her bathrobe tighter around herself. No,  _ Luke’s  _ bathrobe, he notices with irritation and he wants to have a go at her for stealing his stuff while they’re at it because he’s had enough of her honestly. For some reason he doesn’t though, he needs her to be his distraction. Distraction can wait though, he really needs to be thinking of Mikey right now. 

 

“I didn’t want to wake you.” She tries to reason with him, smiling and speaking in a false, sweet voice. “I figured Calum and Ashton would be with him, and you didn’t get to bed until really late so-”

 

“He’s my best friend, Arzaylea!” Luke yells, storming across the bedroom and grabbing his phone up away from her reach, stuffing it into his pocket as he moves for the door. “Of course I want to be woken if he is in fucking  _ hospital _ ! What were you doing on my phone, anyway?”

 

She parts her lips like she is about to answer but he waves a disregarding hand at her, shaking his head. He turns and is halfway to the stairs when she follows him, squealing. 

 

“Where are you going, baby? Can’t we talk about it?”

 

“Where do you fucking think I am going?! To the hospital, damn it!” He continues down the stairs but she follows him, and he just wants to tell her to get out and take off his bloody robe, but he doesn’t. 

 

“I only did it because I care about you, Luke, I didn’t want you to get upset-”

 

“So you thought I could just sleep through my best friend being passed out in hospital? Yeah, real smart of you.” He says coldly, and he rushes to the front door, slamming it for good measure. 

 

Getting into his own car because even though he’s not that great at driving, he can’t wait for a car to come pick him up, he steps on the gas and drives away at the speed of light. He’s exhausted and is now just running on panic and worry. He’s blaming himself the whole way, he should never have left Mikey, not in that state. He doesn’t even know why Michael is  _ in  _ hospital, but naturally he jumps to the worst conclusion. Thankfully there’s hardly any traffic, it doesn’t take long at all for him to reach the hospital and he practically sprints through the double doors.

 

“Hi,” he says to the receptionist in the entrance, cringing at how obviously he is shaking as he speaks, “I’ve come for Michael Clifford, do you know what room he’s in?”

 

The receptionist begins to type on her computer, but then he hears a familiar voice from behind him and he whirls on the spot, eyes falling on Calum coming towards him with a coffee in his hand. 

 

“Luke, thank god you’re here, what took you so long?”

 

Luke goes to explain but Calum stops him, shaking his head, “Not important. You’re here now, come on.”

 

Somehow Cal seems to already know his way around, and Luke is right on his heels as they weave their way through hallways and wards, and the younger boy tries to get his eyes to focus on the words of signs so he can work out what ward Mikey is on but he can’t focus on anything. 

 

“What’s happened to him?” He asks worriedly, they’re slowing down now, approaching Ashton. 

 

Neither boys look like they have slept much but that tiredness is probably also stress, worrying about Michael. There’s another guy sat there, one space apart from Ashton but he looks as if he is conversing with the drummer. 

 

“We don’t really know,” Calums says, “He’s passed out, but they think he just took a strong blow to the head. And some dodgy coke.”

 

_ The coke  _ I  _ pressed into his hand,  _ Luke thinks to himself with malice and he bites down hard onto his lips, gnawing at the dried skin there anxiously. 

 

“He called me and said he needed help, sounded out of breath.” Luke’s eyes dart around wildly, searching for the source of the voice, but then he realises it’s the unfamiliar guy sitting beside Ashton, though now he is getting to his feet and moving closer to Luke. “Said something about how he picked a fight with the wrong guy and then he was gone. I found him and bought him here, though I don’t think it’s particularly life threatening.”

 

Luke breaths a sigh of relief and he is so overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions that he doesn’t know what to say, the last thing on his mind is asking who the guy is. 

 

He tells him anyway, holding out a hand to shake, “I’m Evan.”

 

“Um. How do you know Mikey?” Luke asks, meeting blue eyes that look startlingly like his own. “...Luke.” He adds as an afterthought, taking Evan’s hand out of politeness. 

 

“In all honesty, I don’t really. We met just last night, he, uh, gave me his number but then came back to my place… sorry. Not important.”

 

But Luke has already turned his attention away from that because all he can think about is how Michael is in fucking  _ hospital, _ and how he shouldn’t have left him, even if he was scared and hurting he should never have just left Michael in the middle of nowhere. His knees are weakening as he stumbles over to a chair, collapsing onto it as his breaths quicken, and he can feel hot tears spilling from his eyes. Face filled with concern, Ashton rushes forward to sit beside Luke, his hand steadying him slightly as he tries to rub comforting circles on the younger boy’s back to calm him down. 

“Lukey, he’ll be okay.” Ashton says softly, but he doesn’t sound sure, he doesn’t look it either as he glances up to meet Calum’s worry filled eyes. 

 

“It’s a-all my f-fault.” Luke sobs, blurry eyes from the tears. “I’m such a f-fucking  _ idiot _ .”

 

“What?” Ashton asks, frowning. “ _ You  _ didn’t beat him up or get him drugged up, Luke. How is this your fault?”

 

For some reason Luke has the urge to look over at Evan - and when he does, the stranger is staring right back at him knowingly, like he somehow knows exactly what Luke did. 

 

“I l-left him.” He says, shaking his head and looking away from Evan because the stanger’s blue eyes are haunting him now. “He…. he s-saw me with Arzaylea last n-night.”

 

At the mention of the name ‘Arzaylea’, both Calum and Ashton glower at one another, Luke tries his best to ignore it. “He r-ran away so I f-followed h-him. But he, he… he k-kissed me. I t-told him he can’t do that and I just left him in the m-middle of n-no where. With a bag of coke.” 

 

They’re all quiet for a while, nobody really sure what to say. Ashton moves closer though, because Luke is silently sobbing so much that he almost slips off his chair, so he wraps his arm around the younger boy’s shoulders, pulling him close so that Luke’s head is leaning on Ash’s shoulder.

 

“You didn’t make him do drugs or go and get in a fight, Luke.” Ashton tries to soothe him. 

 

“N-no, but I fucking left him!” Luke explodes, trying to wrench himself out of Ash’s hold but then Calum sits down on his other side, pulling at his arm too.

 

Luke lets him do it, and he doesn’t try to pull away as the three of them sit there, Evan awkwardly on the opposite chair. He watches closely as Cal and Ashton lace their fingers through Luke’s, squeezing his hands gently simultaneously. Luke doesn’t know what to say because nothing that they tell him can make him feel better. He knows that it is his own fault. If he hadn’t have left Michael, Mikey wouldn’t have done any dodgy drugs and gone and picked a fight with some random guy, getting beaten up so badly that he ends up in hospital. The older boys won’t let him believe that though, they keep murmuring things to him about how it isn’t his fault, Michael will be okay, Luke has nothing to feel bad for. 

 

“Maybe now will be the wake up call that he needs.” Callum suggests gently, “Maybe now he’ll stop the drugs, going to parties and hooking up with people,” his eyes flicker over to Evan who blushes a little, “And getting in fights.”

 

“Yeah.” Ashton agrees on Luke’s other side, “He’ll stop messing around now. He’s  _ got  _ to, for the band.”

 

They all sit quietly then. Evan waits with them for quite a while but then he gets a phone call and says he’s got to go for work, he can’t get any time off. Though he doesn’t speak about it, Luke is slightly touched that he was planning on cancelling work to stay and wait with Michael even if he doesn’t fully know him. Luke’s barely slept or eaten and all he wants to do is sleep now (not that he can sleep until he knows for certain Michael is okay) but he manages to gain the strength to get to his feet and shake Evan’s hand. 

 

“Thank you.” He says timidly, “For… for bringing him here.”

 

“It’s nothing.” Evan replies with a shrug, and starts to look as if he is about to walk away, but then he leans closer to Luke and murmurs into his ear, “He needs you. He  _ loves  _ you. I can guarantee it.”

 

And then he’s gone. 

 

“What did he say?” Calum asks, looking intrigued as he gears Luke back to a seated position on the uncomfortable plastic-like chairs. 

 

“Um. Just to… hang in there.” Luke lies, and usually Cal and Ash would pick up on the fact that he isn’t telling the truth but they barely notice a thing at the moment, all they are focusing on is Michael.

 

He’s all that Luke  _ ever  _ focuses on. Luke is used to being kept awake by memories of things Mikey has said to him, or dreaming of a day when they can be together, or just be  _ normal _ . But now it’s worse, all he can think about is if Michael will actually be okay. Even if he’s not  _ dying,  _ he was beaten up badly enough to be bought into hospital. They don’t know for certain he’s okay, only based off of what Evan says.  _ Why won’t the fucking doctors tell us anything?  _ he thinks to himself.

 

His question is deemed unnecessary though - a doctor appears in under a minute, shuffling down the hallway towards them with a small smile on her face. 

 

“Good afternoon, I’m Dr. Warner. You’re here for Mr Clifford I believe?”

 

“Yes.” Ashton says eagerly, getting to his feet at the same time as Calum. Luke hangs back slightly. 

 

“Where did his friend go? The one who bought him in here?”

 

“He had to leave.” Ashton says, “But… we know Mikey better than anyone. Please, tell us, what’s happening?” 

 

Dr. Warner doesn’t look at all concerned or unhappy though, she is beaming. “He’s woken up, and he’s fine. No damage to the brain or anything - just some bruising to the face I think.”

 

Ashton winces because that means there is definitely no hiding this from the press and from the fans, they’re all going to be even more worried for Mikey if they see him with bruises covering his face. 

 

“Obviously we will need to talk to him about drug use and alcohol abuse. His blood tests proved that he’s not been… well, he had drugs in his system. Are you aware of this drug use?” Dr Warner asks, and she shoots a look directly to Luke who hasn’t risen from his seat still.

 

He shies back, because not only did he know of Mikey using drugs but he  _ gave  _ him back the coke when he should have kept it, thrown it away. 

 

“I did know.” Calum says, “He did some drugs a while back and had a bad reaction though, we spoke and I assumed he stopped the hard drugs.”

 

“Unfortunately not.” Dr Warner says with a tight smile, and she pats Calum’s arm gently. “He parties a lot, I presume?”

 

“Yeah, a lot. Every night, almost.” Ashton admits, brow creasing as he frowns.

 

Dr Warner starts talking about how they should try and stop him from doing so, maybe distract him, spend time with him in the night at home, make sure he stays away from the drugs because it’s illegal and they’re lucky she doesn’t have to report him to anyone. Luke’s barely listening though, he knows one thing - Michael is safe. That’s all he needs, wordlessly he gets to his feet and starts walking in the opposite direction to the hospital room the doctor came from, instead moving towards the ‘exit’ sign. 

 

“Luke?” Ashton calls behind him, and Luke freezes on the spot, but slowly turns to look at his friend. “Where are you going?”

 

The doctor is gone, and now Calum and Ashton are alone, approaching Luke quickly. 

 

“I… he won’t want to see me.” Luke admits, chewing on his lip so hard he can taste blood.

 

“What are you talking about?” Calum demands with a frown, “He’s going to want to see you the most.”

 

Luke shakes his head, murmurs a lame excuse and turns back around, but Ashton grabs his hand and whirls him around. 

 

“Don’t be a dick, Luke. We’re pissed off at him too, he tried to hurt Calum for God’s sake. But right now, he is in hospital and he needs us.”

 

“He won’t need me.”

 

“Stop that.” Ashton scolds, and Calum nods his agreement. 

 

“If he wants to see  _ anyone,  _ it will be  _ you,  _ Luke. Ashton is right, you can’t be a dick about this one thing. I get it, you and him are complicated right now but…”

 

“Just come and see him.”

 

Looking from Calum to Ashton, their faces a mingle of hope, irritation, and sadness. Slowly, uncertainly, he nods his head. The least he can do is  _ see  _ Michael. Maybe Mikey hates him, maybe Luke is terrified to see him again, but… it’s the least he can do. He goes to follow them, but when they get to the hospital room, Cal and Ashton stop.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“He’ll want to see you first, Lukey.”

  
And he wants to argue but he can’t because they’re in a hospital and  _ jesus,  _ he wants to see Michael so bad too. He wants to kiss him better and tell him he is sorry and hold his hand. He’s pissed off, yes, but… sighing deeply, he puts his hand on the door and pushes it open. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :-)


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've not updated in a few days, I've been revising for my mock GCSEs, not at all fun :P Hope this chapter is okay though.

Luke pauses in the doorway of the hospital room. Michael is lying propped against the pillows and he hasn’t even noticed Luke’s entrance, meaning the younger boy has a moment to compose himself, his breath taken away by the litter of bruises and cuts across Mikey’s face. It’s his quiet gasp that makes Michael look up, and when he rests his green eyes on Luke, his face lights up and clouds over simultaneously. Like he’s happy Luke is there but also… not  _ angry _ , just conflicted. 

 

“Michael.” He breathes, moving closer to the bed in an instant and letting the door swing shut behind him.

 

He hesitates briefly because he doesn’t want to get  _ too  _ close and risk another kissing incident, even though he  _ really wants  _ to kiss him, before collapsing onto the edge of the bed and taking Michael’s hands in his own. It’s a small gesture but the ounce of contact, of feeling Michael’s skin against his, makes him feel relieved. Then his eyes flicker back to the black eye and the maybe broken nose on Michael’s beaten face and he shakes his head in despair. 

 

“What the fuck happened to you?” He whispers, only just managing to stop himself from letting his fingers brush against Michael’s jawbone. 

 

“Honestly I don’t really know.” Michael mutters, and he sounds exhausted. “I just remember… after you went, I went to some random bar. I took that coke and it kicked in right away, and it made me hallucinate and… yeah. Then I managed to get in a fight with some gangster type dude and he and his friends beat me up. Then I called somebody, I almost called you but then-”

 

“Michael, I’m so sorry.” Luke blurts out, creasing his brow in distress. “I’m such an  _ idiot _ .”

 

“It’s not your fault.” Michael whispers in response, and his face darkens as he looks away from Luke, focusing instead maybe a bit too intently on the blanket of his bed. “The doctor spoke to me and said I need to stop abusing drugs and I think she’s right. We’re going on tour soon, I need to stop fucking everything up.”

 

“You don’t fuck everything up.” Luke says and he means it. 

 

Maybe he makes quite a few mistakes and doesn’t always say or do the right thing, but Michael most definitely does not fuck  _ everything  _ up. He’s one of the only good things in Luke’s life, and he was ready to let him go but now that he’s in  _ hospital _ … he squeezes Mikey’s hands tightly, clutching them like they’re his own dear life. They’re quiet for a long time, gazing lovingly into one another’s eyes. Until it’s interrupted - Luke’s default iPhone ringtone begins to blare as his phone vibrates in the pocket of his jacket. 

 

“Sorry.” He mutters, “I should have turned this off-”

 

“Answer it.” Michael insists, smiling and then wincing at the pain it causes his freshly split lip. 

 

Luke tries to ignore it but then he worries that maybe it actually  _ is  _ important, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls it out.  _ Arzaylea _ , he reads to himself, and then his finger ghosts over the accept button, until his eyes slip back over to Michael. She already held him away from seeing Mikey all morning, and actually went on his phone and cancelled calls… he has no reason to get back to her immediately. Even though she’s not there, he finds himself glaring at the caller ID photo when he rejects it, because he is furious at her. Switching his phone fully off, he slides it back into his pocket and returns his full attention to the blue haired boy. 

 

They’re quiet for a long time, but then Luke can’t handle it anymore, the guilt is driving him crazy. 

 

“Even if you say it’s not my fault, it  _ is _ , Mikey. Sure, you need to stop taking all kinds of drugs and getting pissed every single night but I’m an idiot for even leaving you alone in the middle of the night, in a place you didn’t know, when you were clearly not in a good way. I even gave you back drugs that I should have taken. It  _ is  _ my fucking fault, it’s  _ my  _ fault you get hurt.”

 

He breaks off because Michael is softly shushing him, and the older boy looks like he is about to say something but then to Luke’s mild alarm, tears begin to stream down Michael’s face. He’s not used to Michael crying, and now it happens all too regularly but he’s not even  _ drunk  _ this time. He’s completely sober and he’s there, in tears, and Luke doesn’t know what to do. He feels like such a terrible friend, Michael is crying and he just sits there frozen. He doesn’t know what he can do because he’s not letting himself get too close, they can’t be together again it will just get both of them hurt. Still, he finds it too difficult to just sit there doing nothing. Feeling hopeless, he sighs and then crawls across the tiny hospital bed, being careful not to put any pressure on Michael, he wraps his arms around the older boy and buries his head into his chest. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He says, and his voice is almost pleading. “I didn’t mean to make you cry-”

 

“It’s not your fault.” Michael replies tearfully, “I’m just being stupid.”

 

The moment is quickly broken up by the sound of the door opening again, and Ashton emerges into the room. His eyes are red from lack of sleep and because he has obviously been crying, but even so, ever the cheerful one; Ashton grins at Michael and eagerly rushes over, joining them on the far too small bed. 

 

“Thank god you’re okay.” Ashton breathes.

 

Luke moves away from Michael, clambering off the bed and choosing to sit on one of the chairs beside the bed instead. For a second Ashton pauses, unsure if he wants to taint his manhood by hugging Mikey and letting himself cry probably, but then he rolls his eyes at his own hesitation, pulling Michael in for a bear hug.

 

“Yeah.” Michael replies in a croaky voice, blinking his tear filled eyes. Ashton doesn’t ask any questions, thank god, just tells Michael how much of an idiot he is. 

 

“Is Cal here?” Michael asks, and he sounds almost nervous as he asks, the words slipping tentatively from his lips. 

 

“Of course I am.” Calum enters at that exact moment, and he too smiles shakily. 

 

He moves towards the bed as well, and Luke notices what seems to be tension between Cal and Mikey, and he’s not too sure why. 

 

“Calum, I’m sorry for the other day.” Michael says into his best friend’s neck as they hug it out, “I never meant to-”

 

Ashton doesn’t look very happy about that particular topic in conversation and his fists seem to clench slightly. Luke isn’t really surprised, if Mikey did something to Cal then obviously Ashton would look pissed. Still, as they’re in a hospital visiting Michael he does his best to hold his tongue and not start any arguments for the time being. It’s like an unspoken agreement, nobody talk about the awkwardness between themselves and Michael in the hospital. When Calum moves away, they all exchange glances. And then they all just move back in, so they are a tangle of hugging limbs and tearful laughs. 

 

“We were so worried.” Ashton tells Michael, “Don’t  _ ever  _ do this again.”

 

“I don’t plan on it, I swear.” Michael replies with a nervous chuckle. 

 

They slowly fall into easy conversation though nobody is able to hide their concerned, anxious expressions as their eyes skim over the marks covering Michael’s face. The fans are  _ definitely  _ going to notice this, not to mention the press. Their conversation comes to a halt at the sound of the door opening again, and a nurse slips over towards them all with a small smile. The boys all move away from Michael to give the nurse space, but that doesn’t seem to be enough. 

 

“Sorry, I just need a word with Mr Clifford?” The nurse says, clearly asking them to leave. 

 

Luke exchanges glances with Ashton and Calum, and then wordlessly they slowly start to head for the door, but then Luke sees Michael’s eyes widen and he stops walking, not sure if he wants to leave. Michael hates being left alone.

 

“Can Luke stay?” Michael asks quietly, almost shy, and he looks more at Luke rather than the nurse.  

 

The youngest of the four boys definitely notices the confusion on Ash and Calum’s face, because last thing they knew the two of them were refusing to be in one room together. Though it’s not like it’s disapproval anymore, like Ashton hadn’t wanted them together at first; but now he’s actually the one that persuaded Luke to go in first anyway. 

 

“Yes, of course.” The nurse permits, nodding her head and beaming. 

 

It’s not even like he thinks anything bad would happen if he left, but Luke heaves a sigh of relief, because now he doesn’t ever want to leave Michael again. Not after what happened the last time he did. Ashton and Calum leave, and Luke can still hear their murmuring as the door takes a while to close. He goes over to join Mikey, sitting on the edge of the bed and hesitating for only a brief second before he takes the older boy’s hand in his own once more, and he thinks about how much he has missed this. Granted, being in the hospital isn’t the best place to be rekindling an old flame that’s been nothing but black ash for so long, but… he’s just missed being able to hold Michael, to touch him, to hug him, to look into his eyes for longer than necessary. He just wishes him being hurt isn’t the only thing that will allow it to be this way.

 

“So… we understand that part of the reason your assault made you fall unconscious after the impact of your head wound is that you were under the influence of drugs. Is this correct?” She asks, and then there’s a pause whilst Michael shrugs because he doesn’t want to get into trouble, probably. “There’s no point lying, Mr Clifford, we have the blood tests.” She adds with small smile. 

 

Luke squeezes Michael’s hand. “Be honest, Michael. Then.... then you can get help.”

 

“He’s right.” The nurse confirms, “And besides, Mr Clifford, we don’t have to tell on you. We’re just the medical help - here to  _ help  _ you. Now, your condition isn’t so terrible that you need any sort of rehab - there’s a difference to maybe liking partying a bit too much and being  drug addict. However, the partying will really need to come to a minimum and the drugs will have to stop.”

 

“Yes ma’am.” Michael agrees with an exaggerated nod, Luke can’t help but roll his blue eyes. 

 

“I trust that your friends will keep an eye on you and keep you out of trouble?” 

She pauses to look at Luke, who nods his head maybe a bit too eagerly.

 

“We will prescribe you some medication for the pain you may be feeling. Luckily your nose isn’t broken and you don’t have concussion. Now there’s also the question of whether or not you will want to speak to an officer about the attack?” Her stare drops, lingering on the boys’ interlocked fingers. “Was this a… prejudiced assault?”

 

“No.” Michael replies, and he goes to wave his hand in disregard but then winces, his knuckles are bruised. “I was just being my usual dickish self. And… that would just let the police know that I was under the influence.”

 

Surprisingly, the nurse laughs, but then she seriously composes herself, and rests her eyes on Luke. 

 

“Take care of him. You will be discharged shortly, Mr Clifford.”

 

She leaves the room, and Luke turns back to Michael. The blue haired boy beams but Luke is all serious.

 

“I wasn’t lying. No more partying, okay?”

 

There’s a brief moment of uncertainty on Mikey’s face like he’s not ready to make such a dreadful commitment, but slowly he nods his head and grins. 

 

“Okay. Guess you’ll have to keep me company every night.”

 

And that’s where they both freeze. Just because Michael is in hospital, they can’t just suddenly go back to how things were before, Michael still tore Luke’s heart from his chest and shattered it into a million shards of glass, and it feels like that’ll never be able to be repaired. The younger boy is still smiling, but he gently pulls his hands out of Michael’s hold and instead folds them into his lap - and then he gives up on staying as close to Michael as possible all together and moves to sit back on one of the bedside chairs. Awkwardly, they both stare into different directions, suddenly unable to meet one another’s eye, and it is so silent they can hear each other breathing way too heavily. 

  
If even this can’t make them go back to normal… nothing will. Luke knows that there will always be the memory of his heartbreak, of the darkness Michael caused over his life when he left. They’ll forever be apart, even when they’re wrapped so tightly in embrace that they can’t breathe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading ^-^


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me a while to update and this isn't written in the best way. Still, hope you enjoy it!

**“** **_‘_ ** _ Clifford at war? _ ’” Michael reads as he looks at the screen of his phone, skimming over the endless list of news articles speaking of him getting seen, fighting with some guys in a club before being whisked away by an unknown man. There’s even pictures, blurred and unclear but they show Evan hoisting a very beaten down, drugged up Michael to his feet in some sort of alley way. “How did anyone even find out about this?”

 

Luke sighs heavily, reaching out and taking the phone right out of the older boy’s fingers, sliding it into his own pocket. “Don’t look at that, Mikey. You know the press are everywhere, they see everything. Just… don’t worry about it.”

 

“Well what are the fans saying?” Michael demands to know, shaking his head furiously. “This makes us look terrible, and-”

 

“They were going to see the bruises and everything anyway.” Luke tries to soothe Michael but it doesn’t work, Michael moves away from him and crossing the hospital room, looking out of the window. 

 

“I can’t go home. I can’t leave, there will be more cameras, they’ll-”

 

Closing the space between them, Luke hesitates a little before letting his fingers grip gently onto Mikey’s shoulder, turning the blue haired boy around to face him. It’s still a shock to him, when he looks at the black bruise swelling around Michael’s green eye, and the slight wonkiness to his nose, and the cuts and bruises all over his porcelain skin. 

 

“You weren’t even supposed to stay here last night, Michael. You don’t  _ need  _ to be in hospital anymore, you’ll be more comfortable at home.”

 

Michael doesn’t want to go home… he’s scared. He won’t ever say it out loud but he is scared that he won’t be able to control himself, that he will see a bottle of beer and feel tempted by it. He’s not an alcoholic or anything, it’s not like he’s going through a rehab style cleanse, but he doesn’t want to fail anyone. The older boy stares at the tiles of the floor for a moment, but then he looks back up, his eyes latching onto Luke’s and he smiles. They’re not back to normal yet, whatever normal is, but in this hospital room they haven’t argued, they haven’t had sex, they haven’t said cruel things to one another. Michael was so surprised last night, when Luke actually stayed instead of going off with Arzaylea or something. 

 

“Come on. It’ll be fine, there’s hardly going to be paparazzi outside, is there?”

 

“I suppose not…” Michael relents.

 

Luke nods firmly, and then bends down to pick up the bag Ashton bought with some new clothes for Michael and himself in, and toothbrushes and clean underwear. Ever the carer, is Ash. Swinging the bag over his shoulder, Luke offers Michael his arm. 

 

“You’re like my very own Prince Charming.” Michael says with a grin, hiding the wince as the cuts across his lip stretch with the movement. 

 

Feeling a small blush creep onto his face, Luke just nods his head. He’s still not used to Michael saying stuff like that to him again, it’s been so long. They walk together through the hospital, ignoring the lingering stares some leave on their faces. Nobody stops them though, luckily, the hospital isn’t exactly crawling with people likely to know who they are, thank god. 

 

“Can we go straight home?” Michael asks in a small voice, his lip trembling already… he’s so nervous. Part of Luke worries Michael won’t even be able to face interviews or small appearances until his face is all healed up, which will take a while. 

 

“Of course.” Luke says. 

 

They have to stop at the desk for a brief moment just to confirm that they are leaving, and then they continue over to the exit. The automatic doors open, and the moment the two boys step outside, they are met with a babble of speaking and even some screaming, inaudible questions over the din being thrown at them. 

 

“Lukey.” Michael whimpers weakly, and Luke tries to ignore how broken Michael sounds all of a sudden - how is it that he’s happiest in a  _ hospital _ ? 

 

The smaller boy turns his head into Luke’s shoulder slightly, hiding his face from the flash of the cameras. Somehow Luke manages to hear the older boy over the screaming of the crowd surrounding them, his closeness making it easier, and Luke can hear Mikey’s breaths getting heavier and heavier, he’s hyperventilating. Suddenly a security guard they didn’t even know was coming leaps out of the car waiting for them, rushing over to pull them from the crowd. 

 

“How do people know what hospital we’re at?” Luke demands to know, “And why wouldn’t you come and be ready for him?” He hates sounding like a diva, the security guy is not there to be bossed around or anything of the sort, but it’s obvious that there’s a huge crowd and that he was needed. It’s all he can do to bite his tongue, and say something along the lines of ‘I can make you lose your job for this’ because he really is furious - Michael is panicking at his side. Finally they reach the car, and the driver is there holding the door open as the two boys tumble in. 

 

“W-what were they d-doing h-here?” Michael says, and he looks like he’s about to start crying as he hyperventilates. 

 

Luke furrows his brow in confusion, Michael almost never panics like this, he hasn’t for a very long time. He’s usually the most chilled out in the crowd situations, and now here he is, a crying mess. He pulls his knees up to his chest, ignoring his seat belt so Luke sighs lightly and leans over to strap Michael in himself. Shuffling closer to the older boy, he puts a comforting arm around him, and Michael rests his blue head on Luke’s shoulder. 

 

“Hey, hey Mikey. Don’t worry about it.” He says softly, in a breathy voice, trying his best to sound soothing. “It’s nothing new, they won’t-”

 

“I let the fans down, Luke.” Michael sobs, “I’m a fucking mess. I’ve messed everything up-”

 

Slightly alarmed, Luke shakes his head fiercely. “You haven’t messed everything up, it’s not your fault some guys jumped you-”

 

“I’ve let everyone down by doing drugs and everything, everything is screwed and now I’m going to be all over the news.” 

 

“Mikey, you haven’t let anyone down.” Luke says softly, but he frowns in anguish because he hates seeing how damaged Michael is at the moment. “You’ve just been given an opportunity to get better.” 

 

Somehow he manages to calm the older boy down with gentle murmuring and slow hands as he rotates his palms in soothing circles over Michael’s back. They finally get home, and Luke holds Michael up as a sturdy support as they make their way into their house. Wordlessly Michael heads immediately over to the couch, picking up one of the controls for the games console, but Luke is there a split second, swiping it from his hands. 

 

“No Mikey, you’re under strict orders to  _ relax _ .” 

 

“What’s not relaxing about sitting on the sofa and playing video games?” Michael protests. 

 

“Because your idea of playing video games involves lots of shouting and moving around as if you are actually  _ in  _ your game. Come on, let’s just watch a movie or something.”

 

“Can’t we watch the simpsons?”

 

Rolling his eyes, Luke gently but firmly pushes the older boy down onto the couch before going over to the TV, picking up the remote and switching it on. 

 

“We’ve been home two minutes and we already have the TV on, wow.” He says shaking his head, but he smiles as he switches over to The Simpsons which for some reason, Michael loves. 

 

“I’ve been in hospital, it’s allowed.” 

 

Luke considers taking the overnight bag and putting things away, maybe going to do some washing up or something, but as usual he decides against it and instead flops down onto the couch himself. Usually he would sit as far away from Michael as possible but instead he nuzzles right up close to the blue haired boy, and he rests his head on his shoulder carefully so that it doesn’t hurt Michael. They’re both immersed in the programme on screen, Bart and Milhouse have just tried an all-syrup super squishy and appear to be high off of it, and Luke finds himself worrying that it will remind Mikey about being high or something but then reconsiders it and decides he is being way too melodramatic. 

 

“I really need to try a squishy.” Michael decides, and Luke laughs quietly. 

 

Michael carries on to say something else, but he is interrupted by Luke’s phone vibrating loudly in his pocket. Sighing, Luke wriggles so that he can pull it out from his jeans without having to properly sit up or stand up. 

 

“Probably Cal and Ash, wherever they are.” He mutters, but then he looks down at the screen, and he frowns at the caller ID. 

 

He had actually forgotten about her for a second… he’s been ignoring her for so long and spending some long over-due time with Michael as just friends, nothing else, like he’s been missing for so long… She’s his girlfriend though. He can’t ignore her until she goes away as if she’s some credit company who won't stop ringing. 

 

“Sorry.” He murmurs. 

 

Michael seems to know who it is even though he can’t see the screen, and he shrugs his shoulders as if to say it doesn’t matter, keeping his face neutral. 

 

“Luke, finally.” Arzaylea says into his ear, obviously she’s irritated. “I’ve been ringing you for like, two days now. Where’ve you been?”

 

“Where do you think I have been?” Luke says quietly, trying to sound like he’s not still mad at her as he gets up from the sofa and walks out of the room without saying a word to Michael so that the older boy can still hear the TV. “I’ve been in hospital with Michael. Maybe I wouldn’t have been there so long if you had let me go when I was actually called.”

 

“Baby, don’t be like that.” Luke cringes at the word  _ baby _ … he only liked being called that before, when he was with Michael being a sub in bed, coming from Arzaylea’s mouth it just sounds wrong. “Can I see you? We have to talk about this.”

 

“Michael needs me.” He says weakly.

 

“Come on, Luke. We’ll never get past this otherwise.” 

 

_ Maybe I don’t want to get past this,  _ he thinks to himself, keeping his lips glued together though, staying silent. 

 

“Luke don’t be a dick.” She says, her voice turning firm like a scolding mother. 

 

He wants to say no, he wants so badly to just leave her because he doesn’t belong with her, he doesn’t even like her that much, but something about the way she says it… it just makes him feel like he has to. 

 

“Fine. Where should I meet you?”

  
  
  


Luke returns to the living room to find Michael looking at him with raised eyebrows, he’s pulling his jacket on and his eyes are scanning the room, looking for his shoes. 

 

“You’re going out?”

 

“Sorry, Michael.” Luke says with a regretful smile, “I have to. I won’t be long though, promise.”

 

“You’re going to see Arzaylea?”

 

“She  _ is  _ my girlfriend.” Luke says even though the words feel bitter on his tongue and then he also remembers how it probably hurts Michael to hear Luke say those words, that he has a girlfriend. 

 

Michael pouts his lips pleadingly, shaking his head. “Please stay with me, Lukey.” 

 

It would be so easy for the younger boy to just nod his head and say yes, he so desperately wants to but… he can’t. No matter how annoyed he is with her right now, Arzaylea is his girlfriend and she deserves a chance to explain herself. 

 

“I can’t, Mikey. I’m sorry. I’ll bring back pizza?”

 

“ _ Pleeeeease _ .”

 

“Michael.” Luke says, suddenly firm and snappy, he doesn’t even know where it comes from. “My girlfriend has to come first sometimes, okay? I’m sorry.”

 

Michael looks slightly taken aback by the sudden snapping, but he slowly nods his head and then lets his eyes slide back to the TV screen. 

 

“See you later.” He mumbles. 

 

Luke just nods his head, suddenly not sure what to say because even he is surprised by his own outburst. He’s just tired, he decides, and things definitely aren’t going to be perfect between the two of them for a very long time. He doesn’t want to get a driver so he just gets into his own car which somebody drove back from the hospital, probably Ashton when he left the hospital himself. As he drives, he thinks about what’s going to happen now. 

 

He has a girlfriend and he still stands in the same place with Michael… he doesn’t want to let himself get hurt. Michael hurt him so bad and he can’t just be forgiven for all the pain he caused, no matter how badly he is injured. It is nice though, the past couple of days, it’s been so nice to spend some time with Michael and not argue, just be happy. Even if they were in a hospital room. 

  
It just seems like every single time he and Michael get close again, they are interrupted. Maybe they’ll never be able to be together again, he thinks, as his eyes fall on Arzaylea - he can see her through the window of the restaurant from where he parks, she’s at their regularly window seat table. When he rests his eyes on her, it’s never met with a sensation of fluttering butterflies, his heart doesn’t race faster and faster, his breaths trying to compete as they quicken. He doesn’t love her… he needs to end things. He needs to break up with her, and he  _ will.  _ Right now, at this very moment.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update is very short but I hope it's still good!

“What’s up with you?” Arzaylea asks, stirring her spaghetti round the plate in front of her. 

 

Luke has barely said a word for the entire meal even though the reason he came initially was to hear Arzaylea out so that they can move on but… now the plan has changed. He’s been sitting so silently, barely paying attention to his food, because he’s trying to think of a way he can possibly break up with her. It’s so hard though… maybe it’s because he knows how much it hurts to be told you aren’t loved (even though they still haven’t actually said I love you) and how crushed he was after Michael dumped him. This is different though, surely? They barely know each other really, and it’s not like he’s just been using her for sex. She slides her hand across the table as if she’s about to pick up his and not let go - so he subtly drops his hand to his lap instead. 

 

“Nothing’s up.” He lies, “I’m just…. Thinking.”

 

“What are you thinking about?” 

 

He sighs irritably. “Nothing. Um. Me, you, us.” 

 

“Well that’s what we came here to talk about, right?” Arzaylea replies, and when seeing his hand has returned to the tabletop she very eagerly reaches across, lacing her fingers through his. “Luke, I’m really sorry for cancelling those phone calls.” She doesn’t sound at all sorry. “I just didn’t want to wake you, is it really worth us fighting about?”

 

He lifts his blue eyes, they’ve been fixed solidly onto the table, but he owes her at least a little bit of eye contact.  _ It  _ is  _ worth fighting about,  _ he thinks to himself, but manages to hold his tongue. 

 

“No. I guess not.” He says flatly, “But… the truth is, I’m thinking about Michael.”

 

_ “Michael _ ?” Arzaylea asks grimly, she looks pissed off. “The one who walked in on us fucking the other night?”

 

Luke tenses slightly. She knows exactly which one Michael is, she knows every single member of the band and sometimes he thinks that is the only reason she is dating him in the first place, to get close to the band. He’s had that suspicion the whole time really, he’s just not made it clear to himself or to any of the boys, who all seem to think he is madly in love with her. Ash and Calum will never say anything negative about her for fear of upsetting Luke, but it’s clear none of them are too keen on her. He just wishes she would make more of an effort to be a girlfriend, but she  _ doesn’t _ . Their relationship seems fake, they have sex and they go out but they don’t act like girlfriend and boyfriend. They don’t say sweet nothings to one another, they don’t ever spend the night just cuddling and nothing else. 

 

“Yes. Him.” He says stiffly. 

 

“Why are you thinking about Michael when you’re with me?” She says with a still forced smile but he can hear bitter undertones to her words.

 

For a second he’s about to reassure her, but then he gets hit with a sudden thought that this could be the way he breaks up with her. He could just admit that he is in love with Michael and be done with it, though he knows if he scorns her, she could just easily go to the press and turn in the truth,  _ Muke is real!  _ And it would be over. Well, not  _ over,  _ but it may not be very fun given the rocky situation the two boys are in. 

 

“He’s my best friend.” He says, “And he was in hospital and I almost didn’t find out because you were going on my phone, my personal property, and cancelling the calls.”

 

“Baby, I just apologised for that.” Arzaylea replies, pulling her hand from Luke’s and glaring harshly at the blonde boy. “Why are you being such a bitch about it?”

 

“You went on my own personal property.” He repeats, “And I have a suspicion that it wasn’t the first time you’ve done so. Sometimes it just feels like you’re with me for my money, Arzaylea, and-”

 

“Your  _ money _ ?” Arzaylea splutters loudly, but then she eyes the throng of people dining around them and lowers her voice to a hiss. “Why are you suddenly insulting me? What’s this really about?”

 

“I… I just don’t think we’re working out. I think we should break up, we don’t-”

 

He breaks off in alarm because she no longer looks angry, she has mild panic in her eyes which slowly turns to sorrow, and tears start filling up her eyes and sliding down her cheeks and she puts her head in her hands, hiding her face from prying eyes.

 

“Er…” Luke says uncertainly, because what does he do now? Walk away? Apologise? Comfort her? He leans over awkwardly and pats her on the back which probably isn’t the wisest of things to do but he doesn’t have a clue what to do in this kind of situation. “Don’t cry?” He says as if asking if that is the right thing to say. 

 

“Please don’t do this to me, Luke.” She says, and suddenly she doesn’t even sound like she was even crying at all, but her face is still stained with tears as she looks up. “You can’t do this to me.”

 

“It’s the right thing to do-”

 

She cuts him off, shaking her head furiously. “Luke, I only did what I did because I really care about you.”

 

“And I care about you too.” He says, it’s not really a lie but he’s definitely not about to say he lovers her or anything like that. “But that doesn’t mean you can-”

 

“Don’t leave me.” She begs, moving closer to him, “I… I just want to be loved.”

 

And he so badly wants to say no. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her, a relationship with hardly any feelings, a relationship whilst he is still madly in love with Michael despite every shitty thing going on between the two of them but when she says that, that she just wants to be loved, he suddenly feels so guilty. How can he hurt someone like this? He knows exactly how it feels, he was left feeling completely broken after being dumped and now he’s preparing to do the same thing to somebody else? It’s the right thing to do, though, he tries to reason, it’s unfair to stay in a loveless relationship, or even just to date someone you don’t have loads of fun with. She’s making him feel guilty though, and even through the sadness there’s a certain glint of foreboding in her eye. 

 

“Okay.” He says shakily, and she gets up, rushing round the table to hug him and he tries to force himself to feel happy, to smile. All he feels, though, is trapped. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Without giving anything away, or at least trying not to: there will be hints of an emotionally abusive relationship from this point, between Luke and Arzaylea. It won't be mega detailed and it's not going to be mentioned a lot, I don't want to give any spoilers but just realised I didn't tag it and wanted to warn you for the future.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey this chapter features cute Cashton ^-^ I love Cashton and really need to write them more in this story. Or in another story, idk. I just love Cashton, if you hadn't guessed :'D 
> 
> I just wanted to put a little note to say you should check out StardustFlames' reviews on this story because they recommend great songs to go along with the story and would be great to read along with.
> 
> Hope this chapter is okay for you guys :-) 
> 
> **mentions of self harm, but very very very small and brief.

Michael feels so weak. Luke left him about five hours ago, he’s  _ just _ got out of hospital, and he’s had such a lovely time with Luke despite the circumstances of the past few days. Now he’s gone for hardly any time at all and he’s already holding the unopened bottle of whisky in his hand, doing his best to talk himself out of opening it and drinking the entire contents of the bottle. He needs to forget… he needs to be numb… 

 

But he’s barely seen Luke at all for  _ months  _ up until now, and suddenly he can’t even go a few hours without seeing him? The doctor strictly told him, don’t drink too much alcohol, maybe one bottle of beer or a glass of champagne on special occasions but not when he’s home alone and feeling a little bit sad and lonely. He tries so hard to resist the urge… but then he thinks about Luke’s eyes. Blue as an ocean, though dark like a storm when he is looking up at Mikey with lust, the only eyes that can see right through Michael, like he’s a glass window to be seen through. He needs those eyes right now, he  _ needs  _ Luke. He can’t handle the pain that he’s been feeling for so long now, the pain he feels when he doesn’t have his Lukey at his side. He’s hurt him so much, as well, he starts thinking about how crushed the younger boy was after Michael spat poison at him, how he made the boy he loves so dearly fall into an abyss of darkness for months, he never smiled and barely ate and refused to leave his bed. He wants to be the only one Luke loves, the only one he needs. Arzaylea is not good for him,  _ he, Mikey,  _ is.  Then he just feels so fucking selfish, and It’s too much pain to think about. Shaking his head in despair at himself, at his own actions and thoughts and fucked up soul, he picks up the bottle opener, opening the bottle and immediately upending it into his mouth, letting the alcohol trickle down his throat, warming his insides. 

 

  * \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



 

“Michael?” 

 

It’s Calum, he and Ashton having finally returned home, Ashton going to the kitchen but Calum entering the living room, his eyes falling on Michael curled up against the wall cradling a bottle of rum in his hand, an empty bottle of whisky on the ground beside him. He shakes his head in a rush, realising what it is he is seeing, rushing forward to crouch down on the floor beside his blue-haired friend. 

 

“Michael.” He says louder, Michael is awake but barely paying attention to the younger boy. “Michael, what the fuck, man.” 

 

Suddenly Michael seems to come to life, and he doesn’t even acknowledge Cal by his side. Instead he just tries to stumble to his feet, leaning over and gripping onto the material of the couch closest to them. Calum continues to try and get Mikey’s attention but it’s as if he is deaf, so he rolls his eyes and decides instead to just help Michael get to his feet. 

 

“Oh.” Michael says once he is finally standing upright without stumbling, and he sounds like he has only just realised something. “Hi Cal.”

 

He eyes the bottle of rum in his own hand like he’s not exactly sure how it got there, and then he goes to lift the bottle to his lips but Calum is there in an instant, swiping the bottle from his hand. 

 

“What the fuck?” Michael slurs, glaring at Calum with ferocious green eyes and making grabby hand motions for the bottle. “Cal, what are you-”

 

“Stopping you from fucking yourself up again!” Calum yells, not really sure why he’s losing his temper, but then it makes so much sense because of course he is going to be mad, Michael was  _ just  _ in hospital after being beaten up so bad because he was so drunk and high. “Michael do you even realise how fucking worried we all were? You’ve been given orders from a  _ doctor _ , for god's sake, to stay away from alcohol and drugs-”

 

“She just said definitely stay away from drugs.” Michael says matter of factly but there is a bitter undertone to his words, it’s obvious he is pissed off. “I won’t go near drugs. I just needed a drink, Cal.”

 

“You never  _ need  _ a drink.” Calum mutters, and then his eyes flicker from the bottle to Michael, then back again. Shaking his head, he leaves the room, walking to the kitchen. Ashton’s not in there,  he’s probably peeing or something and doesn’t even realise the state Michael is in. He heads over to the sink, and begins to pour the remainder of the liquid from the bottle down the sink. Michael enters the room, protesting. 

 

“What are you doing?” He demands to know. 

 

“Why did Luke leave you?” Calum asks bewildered, not expecting an answer and he doesn’t get one either. 

 

Instead the older boy moves closer to him, and tries to take the empty bottle from Calum, thinking it is still full. Calum remembers the last time he and Michael were alone together, his best friend had almost hit him, he’s still pissed off but… even if he is pissed off, he’s not going to let Michael drink himself away. They have a career, they have a band, they all need one another, every single one of them needs to stay strong. Maybe Michael isn’t an alcoholic just yet, but he’s well on the way to becoming a hopeless drunk and Cal won’t let that happen. When Michael tries to take the bottle, he shrugs him away, and when he steps closer Calum places a gentle hand on the older boy’s chest, pushing him slightly back, not at all hard or anything. It makes Michael lose it though. 

 

Calum barely even registers it - it’s like one moment he’s fine and the next his nose is spouting blood, scarlet staining his skin and trickling down onto his T-shirt. His hands fly to his nose, pressing down as if to try and stop the bleeding, and with wide, terrified eyes he looks up at Michael. Michael’s green eyes are wide with alert but then his face quickly drops to nothing, completely neutral and he doesn’t look at all sorry for hurting his best and oldest friend as he shakes his hand out, the impact of the punch probably causing his knuckles to ache.  Suddenly Calum has to leave because as much as he wants to try and help Michael, to make sure that he doesn’t do anything else stupid, he can’t bear to be in the same room with him right now; he’s worried and terrified and confused and miserable all at once and it is overwhelming. Turning round, he flies from the room, calling Ashton’s name. 

 

Michael looks at his hand, and then back up to the space where Calum was just standing.  _ I fucked everything up,  _ he thinks to himself,  _ like I fuck everything up. I hurt everyone, I’m a curse. A toxic curse. _

 

“I have to get out of here.” He mumbles to himself. He lets the empty bottle in his hand drop to the floor and it smashes, he doesn’t care enough to pick it up though. Part of him is tempted to pick up a shard of glass, to let it cut into his skin by holding it too tightly because at least that will help him get a grip on reality - part of him is feeling like he didn’t even hurt Calum, like it was all a nightmare; but he also knows that he did and he is getting way too confused. He manages not to, though, he’s done so well not cutting his skin for years. The glass is still there though, and his thoughts are too. He has to get out, he has to leave and get far away, to somewhere where he won’t be able to hurt any of the people he cares about. Forget whatever the doctors said, he knows what’s best for him and that is to be alone, to forget, to let himself fall off the face of earth for a little while. There’s a huge part of him that just wants to run away forever. He has nothing left, Luke leaves him for Arzaylea all the time and he just knows that if Luke  _ was  _ here still, Michael would do something to hurt him like he does to everybody. He thinks of the fans though, and of his band, and how the one thing he refuses to do is let them all down. No, he can’t vanish forever but he at least needs to disappear for a small while. He can’t stay in this house, it’s causing him way too much pain. He almost forgets to put shoes on but on the way out of the door, he slips his feet into some boots. It’s suddenly freezing outside, the sun long gone and the moon high in the sky as a cold chill settles through L.A, but he doesn’t bother with a coat or jacket. He could call a car but he doesn’t want to wait any more, he has to get away as fast as he can, so he sets off down the road at a stumbling jog. 

 

  * \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



 

“I just can’t believe he would hurt me.” Calum is sobbing into Ashton’s chest as his boyfriend holds him tightly, his arms tense after Calum recounts the story of Michael hitting him through tears. “I mean, he almost did it the other day but he stopped himself… he didn’t stop himself this time.”

 

“Shh, baby.” Ashton soothes, rubbing the slightly taller boy’s back, “Let’s go get you some ice.”

 

“I don’t want to go downstairs.” Calum admits through tear, shaking his head quickly. “I don’t want to see Mikey.”

 

“Okay, I’ll go. Stay here.”

 

Ashton leaves Calum hastily, not sure if he wants to leave the younger boy (not that he ever wants to leave him) but he is downstairs in a flash and back again. He’s frowning as he re-enters his bedroom, Calum lying on his bed curled up into a ball. 

 

“What?” Calum asks, sniffing slightly as he sits up, resting his back against the headboard and holding a hand out for the small bag of ice wrapped in a towel Ashton has brought back. Ashton ignores the hand and instead sits as close to Cal as he can, holding the ice to his nose himself. 

 

“I can’t find Michael.” Ashton says simply with a shrug, but he doesn’t even seem bothered. 

 

“Where would he go?” Calum asks with concern, because even if Mikey hurt him he definitely doesn’t want him getting hurt, despite everything. 

 

“I don’t know. A club, a bar, I don’t know. Right now, I don’t care though.”

 

“Ash…” Calum says reproachfully, “He could get hurt, he’s drunk off of his face.”

 

“He was told not to. He knows he shouldn’t have, but he did it anyway. Usually I would worry but the only thing I’m worried about right now is  _ you.  _ And he hurt you, I’m so mad at him Cal, I’ve never wanted to punch someone so much in my life.”

 

“More than you want to punch your dad if you ever meet him?” Calum asks softly, but he sighs shamefully when something flashes in the older boy’s eyes, sadness? Anger? “Sorry. I just want you to realise you don’t hate Michael and I don’t either. He’s hurting.”

 

“Doesn’t mean he has a right to hurt you.”

 

Calum parts his lips to say something but he doesn’t even know what he could possibly to say to make this decision any better. The band is falling apart, and even getting beaten up and taken to hospital doesn’t seem to be making Michael realise he is contributing to that greatly. It’s not like he can just show up to interviews and performances and that’s it, he has to try and be  _ with  _ the band. He’s one of them but he is just throwing it all away, making everyone hate him. Sometimes Calum think he is doing it to himself, Michael always has been that way, feeling like he needs to punish himself for things, like if he thinks he is being a bad friend he will just act even worse until you hate him enough to beat him up. They’re quiet for a long time, nothing but the noise of Calum occasionally wincing at the throbbing feeling in his nose. 

 

“Sorry,” Ashton murmurs, lifting the ice slightly after pressing it too hard. 

 

“I can hold some ice myself.” Calum says, but he smiles as he speaks the words. With Ashton close to him in this way he has the perfect view of his face, concentrated and tense, he’s tired as well, they’ve all been tired recently.  

 

“I know you can.” Ashton replies simply, “But I like helping you. It’s a sign we’re a team.”

 

Calum rolls his eyes, but doesn’t say anything about how lame that sounds because secretly he loves the lameness. He loves everything about Ashton, he loves him to the moon and back, he loves him with enough flames of burning fire to course through his entire body, lighting his veins up with passion and love and lust and adoration. 

 

“Look, I love Michael.” Ashton says after a long but comfortable silence, and he sounds guilty for even thinking anything negative about their bandmate. “But if he wants to fuck his own life up, we can’t let him fuck all of ours up too.” 

 

“I love him, too.” Calum replies softly, “Which is why we have to be there for him.”

 

“I just can’t believe he hurt you.”

 

Calum lifts his hand to cover Ashton’s, not the hand over Cal’s nose but resting lightly on the younger boy’s shoulder instead. He smiles sadly, “He’s hurting. He and Luke are constantly hurting one another, he’s feeling lonely. He’s confused and he was drunk. We just need to help him.”

 

“We try.” Ashton says weakly, his eyes filled with sadness. “We try but sometimes… sometimes it just feels like he doesn’t want to be helped.”

 

“He does.” Calum replies so quietly it’s almost inaudible. “He’s just terrified to show it. He’s always been terrified of things like that, admitting he needs help, confessing that he is sad.”

 

They fall back into silence. Ashton strokes his finger, so that where he is holding the ice his finger also tickles the golden brown skin of Cal’s cheek and the younger boy smiles. 

 

“You’re so good.” Ashton says gently, “You’re so beautiful.”

 

Even now after they’ve been together for ages, Calum still blushes every single time Ash says anything nice to him, and he giggles nervously. Ashton loves it, it’s one of the most adorable things about the other boy. There’s a very long list of adorable things about Calum, it would take an eternity for him to read out. 

 

“I love you.” He says. 

  
Calum’s eyes crinkle as he smiles wider, “I love you, too.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry I haven't updated for a few days. This isn't my best written work I must say, but just wanted to get another chapter up. :-)

“I’m so glad that we managed to work things out.” Arzaylea is saying to Luke, speaking loudly to be heard over the din of the music filling the stuffy club.

 

Luke had wanted to go home, he felt bad for leaving Mikey especially since he promised that he wouldn’t be out long and that he would bring back pizza but… somehow Arzaylea had managed to convince him to stay with her. So he has. 

 

“Me too.” He replies, and his voice shakes slightly because he’s beginning to feel claustrophobic, there are too many dancing bodies surrounding him and he doesn’t feel safe. He only ever parties when he has at least one of the boys with him, someone he can trust… not to mention that he and his girlfriend haven’t even sorted anything out. She just stopped him from breaking up with her and he is still in a relationship he doesn’t want to be in. 

 

Arzaylea brings his attention back to the moment, looping her arms around his neck and pressing her body against his, moving in time to the music. 

 

“Dance with me,” she insists, a grin on her face.

 

He doesn’t want to, he wants to shake her off and leave, go home to Michael and fall asleep next to him even though he knows he shouldn’t. He doesn’t want to be here with her tonight but somehow he is, and as he awkwardly bounces along to the music with her, he can’t help but wish she was Mikey… that he was looking into beautiful green eyes instead, that his hands were tousled into bright blue. But instead he is here with her, a girl that he doesn’t even like who stopped him from going to fucking  _ hospital  _ when Michael needed him, yet somehow Luke always manages to overrule anger, completely rationalised anger, with guilt and sympathy.

 

“Mikey.” He says suddenly, eyes widening as he drops his hands from where they were just holding Arzaylea’s waist. 

 

She steps away from him, her hands holding on to his shoulders sharply and glaring up at him. “Excuse me? Did you just call me  _ Mikey _ ?” 

 

Luke shakes his head hurriedly, lifting a hand to point his finger lamely in the direction of the bobbing blue head somewhere in the crowd. Arzaylea doesn’t turn to see what she is pointing at, though, she just folds her arms tightly and scowls.

 

“Luke, seriously? Stay with me.” She says scornfully, but she tries to take his hand as he begins to walk past her. 

 

“I’ll be back in a minute.” He tells her, but he is barely even focusing on the words he is speaking to her because right now, all of his attention is focused on Michael. He  _ was  _ just wishing that he could be with him but he didn’t exactly expect him to show up  _ here _ … he  _ shouldn’t  _ be here, he was literally just in hospital for being too high and getting beaten up. 

 

“Excuse me,” Luke mutters to a passer by, ignoring the feel of Arzaylea’s eyes burning into the back of his head as he leaves her in the middle of the dance floor. 

 

He follows the direction that Michael was going in, but then at first he can’t even see the older boy. He’s somehow ended up in the VIP section without having to confirm he’s meant to be in there, and is now standing in the middle of a room much more sophisticated than the rest of the club. People are seated in booths, and it is not so loud that Luke’s head feels like it is about to explode. He is aware of people staring at him, he’s just standing there looking around at them all, scanning their faces a bit too closely because suddenly his eyes are blurry. He hadn’t even wanted to drink that much, but somehow Arzaylea persuaded him and now he doesn’t feel so good. Finally his eyes fall on a booth right in the corner - he can see that blue hair he loves so much. Despite his confusion as to what exactly Michael is doing there, he does nothing but breathe a sigh of relief as he stumbles over in the direction of the table. Michael is sat, or rather, slumped, over the lap of some guy with dirty blonde hair who appears to be murmuring softly into Mikey’s ear. Then Luke realises it’s not just ‘some guy’, it’s the one who took Mikey to hospital and yet here he is, taking him to night clubs!? He can’t recall his name… well, maybe he can. He just doesn’t want to admit to that. 

 

“ _ Michael _ ?” He says loudly to be heard, pretending to be completely surprised and like he came upon the pair of them by accident. 

 

The two boys flinch apart, both looking up and letting their eyes fall on Luke. The blonde guy starts to rise to his feet, wide eyed, but Michael pulls him back down. 

 

“Luke.” He replies, not sounding at all surprised himself. “What are you doing here?” 

 

“I… I’m here with Arzaylea.” Luke says softly, feeling slightly shameful. Not that he should be feeling shameful. Or maybe he should, for saying he would be quick with Arzaylea and then actually going out with her for hours and ending up at a nightclub when he promised the older boy he would be home asap. He doesn’t even know, his head is all fuzzy and he can’t focus on any of the thoughts flowing through his head. “But Michael, what are  _ you  _ doing here?! You know you shouldn’t be here, you should be at home resting.”

 

Michael doesn’t even look bothered. His eyes are red, Luke notices even through the dim lights but… it doesn’t look like it’s from drugs, he looks like he has been  _ crying _ . He nods his head in the direction of the way Luke walked, “Shouldn’t you be putting your  _ girlfriend  _ first?” He asks flatly, and when his eyes return to Luke, he looks deep into the blue of them. 

 

They’re Luke’s own words, but hearing them said back to him stings. He doesn’t want to put his girlfriend first, and maybe he should do, but the fact is that he loves Michael and he needs to make sure he is safe, he needs to get him home. 

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t come back, okay?” Luke says, trying his best to keep the words from slurring, “But you need to go home Mikey, you know you’re supposed to be keeping sober.”

 

“Um, Luke right?” Michael’s drinking buddy speaks up, and Luke is forced to turn his attention to him despite how much he has been restraining himself from it. He hates thinking of Michael with other guys, yet alone ones that look freakishly like himself. “Hey, I’m Evan remember? I, uh, bought Mikey to hospital.” 

 

“Yes.” Luke replies sharply, “And yet here you are letting him drink again when you must have guessed that’s not exactly a wise move for him right now.” 

 

Evan opens his mouth to reply but Michael waves a hand at him, a signal to stop before he has even started and the blonde boy follows his instruction, shooting an apologetic glance at Luke. Luke just glowers at him, and he hates the boy with every nerve in his body. He’s not even sure why, truthfully he knows that Evan is a good guy - he took Mikey to the hospital and Luke notices that he doesn’t have a drink. There’s only one glass on the table, and it looks like barely any of it has even been drunk. Still… 

 

“Nobody  _ lets  _ me do anything, Lucas.” Michael says suddenly, and Luke flinches because… Michael hasn’t called him ‘Lucas’ in ages… not since they had sex. It’s what Michael would call him when he was acting as Master and he knows it. Feeling heat flame to his cheeks, Luke frowns a little. 

 

“Maybe not.” He replies so quietly they probably don’t even hear them, his breath has suddenly been snatched from him because he is remembering how it feels, to be on his knees in front of Master Michael, looking up into those beautiful eyes that make his stomach flutter and his knees tremble. “But if Evan was really a good guy, he wouldn’t be taking you to  _ nightclubs  _ when you’ve been specifically told by a  _ doctor  _ not to drink or party anymore.” 

 

“Actually man, I didn’t bring him here.” Evan speaks up, clearly not going to be kept silent any longer. He sits up slightly, and Michael removes his knees from the blonde boy’s lap and places his feet firmly on the floor instead. “I found him here and I thought I better take him home because last time I saw him he was passed out in a hospital bed. The time before that, when I saw him, he was telling me about how he was going to go and see the precious  _ Luke _ . You can hardly say I’m  _ letting  _ him drink when you’re the one who left him to get beaten up in the first place.” 

 

Luke flinches. Nobody else has said that to him, of course he has had the thought playing on repeat in his mind since he got the call that Mikey was in hospital, but nobody else has actually  _ said  _ it. But it is right and he suddenly feels so terrible for even insinuating that Evan would try and hurt Michael when it seems the guy has been nothing but good. 

 

“Evan.” Michael says softly, and Luke snaps back to attention. 

 

The blue haired boy isn’t even looking at him, he is wriggling to a seated position and nudging Evan. 

 

“I’m sorry.” The Luke look-alike says then, and it takes Luke a moment to realise that he is the one being spoken to. 

 

He doesn’t even know what to say. He shouldn’t have tried to butt in in the first place anyway, he is the one who left Michael to get beaten up, and then he left him again to go and see Arzaylea. He should have expected this to happen, Michael needs help and Luke won’t give it to him. But he  _ can’t  _ give it to him… he can’t let himself get too close again because his heart is going to be broken. Right now it is like a never ending cycle, who’s going to upset who first? Michael is going to upset Luke next, he can already feel it coming as the older boy slips his fingers into Evan’s. 

 

“Take me home.” He pleads softly, “No, not home. Anywhere, anywhere away from here and away from him.” 

 

_ Away from him _ . Luke bites down hard on his lip, trying to focus on the sting of that so that he doesn’t cry because he doesn’t want to be away from Michael ever. He only wants Michael, he doesn’t even care about Arzaylea but he is here with her. Mikey doesn’t want him, and as much as Luke keeps telling himself that he doesn’t want Michael either he knows that he does. He just can’t have him. He’s confused, the alcohol in his system making his brain hurt and he is just saying the same words in his head over and over again as he watches the boy that he loves leaving with somebody else. Maybe this is how Michael feels every single time he watches Luke leaving somewhere with Arzaylea but somehow he doubts it. He is pretty certain now that Michael hates him.

 

Feeling like his heart has been ripped from his chest for the millionth time, shattered onto the ground for the millionth time, the shards stamped on so that they break even further for the millionth time, Luke slowly starts to walk back out of the VIP zone of the club and back to where he left Arzaylea. He can’t focus… 

 

“Where have you been?” Arzaylea demands, suddenly she is standing right in front of the boy with a glare that could freeze fire on her face, arms crossed. “You can’t just walk off and leave me, Luke!” 

 

“Sorry.” He mutters, though he knows that he doesn’t sound sorry at all. “It was, I uh- Michael.” 

 

“Good english.” She mutters sarcastically, but then she grabs onto his hand, twisting their fingers together. It’s a would be sweet gesture made harsh by the stiffness of it, and the way she is glaring at him. “Why are you stressed out all the time about  _ him _ ? Why are you always fucking worrying about  _ Michael Clifford  _ when you are on a date with  _ me _ ?” 

 

Whether it’s the alcohol or just his heart trying to warn him to walk away right now, he doesn’t know, but a burning flame of anger begins to  around his insides and he wants to shout, he wants to scream, he wants to leave and run away. He wants to go to a place where he can be with the person he loves, not having to worry about past mistakes like being used for sex or whether or not he is ready to let himself be loved. He wants Michael. 

 

“Obviously I worry about him, Lea, I l-” he breaks off suddenly, so suddenly that he almost bites his tongue. “He’s my bandmate.” He amends, “He is like a  _ brother  _ to me. We’re like family and he’s not in a good place right now. Of course I’m going to worry about him.” 

 

She doesn’t like that. Her grip on his hand tightens slightly as she steps closer to him, stepping up onto her tiptoes to be heard over the music and the crowd of dancers surrounding them. “You dated him.” She whispers harshly, “You’re lucky I haven’t asked you to sever all ties with him.” 

 

Luke doesn’t even know how she would know that but he is too confused, too drunk to ask. He just stares at her, eyebrows furrowed and the seas of his eyes dark and rolling like a storm. She looks like… well, she looks  _ evil _ . He suddenly hates her, how can one girl be so cruel, say the simple things she does, do the sweet gestures she does but manage to make them so harsh. That’s all gone in a second though and suddenly her eyes are swimming with tears. She looks at Luke dead in the eyes long enough to make him acknowledge the sudden sadness before him, before she turns and runs. Doing his best to keep from rolling his eyes, he stumbles slightly at the sudden movement after standing still for so long but then he is running too, right on her heels. He’s outside just in time to see her opening the door to a cab. Swearing under his breath, he speeds up to get in the other side just before the car starts to pull away. She acts surprised. 

 

“Luke, what are you doing?” She asks through her tears. 

 

“I… I don’t know.” Luke replies blankly, because he  _ doesn’t _ . He could have just let her go, he could have gone home and forgotten about her but he would feel too guilty, so somehow he let his conscience tell him to follow her and he did. Turning his head to look at her, he feels his heart ache suddenly because he hates when people cry, and she is bawling her eyes out. 

 

Sighing lightly, he shifts across the seat, moving closer to her and putting his hand gingerly on her leg. “...don’t cry.” He says awkwardly. 

 

“Can you blame me?” She asks, blinking at him. “You… you and me are supposed to be in a relationship but all you seem to care about is your band, and your ex boyfriend.” 

 

Luke flinches at that - he isn’t even openly bisexual to his friends or  _ her _ , and there is a cab driver right there listening to them who could easily sell any of this story to the press if he realises who Luke is. He doesn’t know what to say, and she wriggles away from his touch so they spend the rest of the journey in silence. When they reach her apartment, she tells him not to follow her but Luke knows that is code for ‘follow me’, so he gets out too.  _ And  _ he pays the driver. Following her up the steps to the door, he tries to think about what he is even doing. He doesn’t love her. He doesn’t even like her. Why is here? Is it just another distraction, to distract himself from the worrying about Mikey who clearly doesn’t want to be worried about? He could get any girl he wanted if he tried, he regards that thought cockily. But something about her… he feels like he  _ has  _ to stay. Like he owes it to her. The moment they are inside her apartment, Arzaylea kicks her shoes off and goes to sit down on the black leather couch, pulling her knees up to her chin and resting her forehead on them, shielding her face as she cries. Hesitating for a brief moment, Luke goes to sit beside her. He doesn’t try and put his arm round her or anything like that, he just sits and listens to her cry. Maybe it’s harsh but he has no clue what he is even supposed to be saying, this all seems like some badly staged TV show. 

 

“Lea.” He says quietly once the silence gets too toxic. “I… you’re right. I worry about Michael a lot but that’s because I care about him. He’s my bandmate, I wouldn’t be anywhere without him, you get that?” 

 

“You’re in love with him.” She whispers, her voice croaky.

 

It’s true… but he doesn’t want it to be. He wants to abandon all those feelings because all they have done is get him hurt, get Michael hurt, tear the band apart. They’ve screwed everything up. So he shakes his head. 

 

“I’m not. I love him, sure. But I’m not  _ in  _ love with him.” The lie feels like toxic poison rolling off of his tongue but he continues anyway. “Arzaylea, I don’t want you to… look, I’m sorry, okay?” 

 

She tilts her head, still on her knees but looking at him now, tears dried to her face.  

 

“Can we forget we ever argued?” She asks gently. “I… I don’t care if you care about Michael. It makes sense just… you have to stay with me.” 

 

“...This relationship doesn’t seem to be working.” Luke says slowly but Arzaylea shakes her head, turning her body to face him properly and shuffling closer to him on the couch. 

 

“Don’t say that.” She pleads, “We need each other. You need me to help you get over your feelings for Michael and you wouldn’t be using me for that if you didn’t care about me, right?” 

 

“I’m not using you.” Luke replies with a frown, but she presses a finger to his lips, shushing him. 

 

“I don’t even care. I really really like you though, Luke. Tell me you care about me too.”

 

“I…” 

 

She has her hands on him, they’re roaming over his body and suddenly he realises he is unzipping his jacket, sliding it off of his shoulders and adjusting herself so that she is on his lap, facing him. 

 

“Make Michael think you’re over him. It’s the best way to forget the pain.” 

 

“But-”

 

She silences him by pressing her lips to his, kissing him softly and quickly, desperately. In between kisses she mumbles, “I need you Luke. You can’t leave me.”

 

And maybe he really wants to but more likely, it is the guilt, and he finds himself agreeing. He lets her undress him, not saying no but the whole time wishing this were different. Wishing she were Michael, wishing he actually had feelings for her. Maybe he cares for her, he tells himself that. Surely that’s the only reason that seeing her so upset, seeing her crying, made his heart ache? As her hands ghost over the soft bulge in his boxers, he shakes his head. 

 

“Lea… this isn’t right. Not like this.” He tries to say but she kisses him again. 

 

Pressing her forehead against his, she says in a quiet voice, “Say you care about me.” 

 

“I…”

 

“I care about you.” He blurts out, feeling the false words escape his mouth but not trying to take them back. He doesn’t want to do it but even so, his body responds to her and he finds himself picking her up, taking her to the bedroom and placing her down on the bed. 

 

“Promise you won’t leave me.” She says, not a question though, more of an order. 

 

“I won’t leave you.” He says, sliding her lace panties down before unzipping her silky dress. 

  
Even if he doesn’t love her… maybe she’s right. Maybe he can stop loving Michael, maybe the pain will stop. It has to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to specify; Arzaylea didn't rape Luke! I'm not sure if it seemed this way. She just persuaded him to stay with her even though he doesn't particularly want to. Also I'm just reiterating here, I have nothing against Arzaylea in real life, I don't know much about her so I'm bot trying to join all the people hating on her or anything. I'm just using her to fit to the story. 
> 
> Thanks for reading as usual!


	30. Chapter 30

**One week later**

 

“Sorry, I was under the impression that Michael would be joining us?” The interviewer asks, directing the question at Luke who just shrugs his shoulders. 

 

“Yeah,” Ashton says instead, “He’s here. I rode with him, he just had to go to the bathroom.”

 

Luke is slightly surprised that Michael is even showing up. He’s not spoken to him properly since that night at the club on the day he left the hospital, and none of the boys have seen him for more than ten minutes at a time over the past seven days. They try and tell him to stay home, to stop drinking, to try and sort himself out but it just seems like they have given up. Honestly, nobody blames anyone for that. It’s impossible to try and tell Michael what to do but when he is one of these moods… 

 

They are interrupted by the door opening, Michael stumbles through it and the interviewer almost jumps out of her seat at the surprise. Luke almost does too, his breath escapes as he takes in Michael’s appearance. He has a scruff of unshaven hair, the ghost of a beard, his eyes are ringed with dark shadows not to mention the bruises and the cuts still on his face, only they have failed to sickly looking yellows and blacks. 

 

“Sorry I’m late.” He says with a slur, and it’s all Luke can do to not get up and march the older boy out of the room. This is being filmed, if the fans see him like this… 

 

“It’s no problem.” The interviewer replies, her eyes following the blue haired body as he crosses the room, collapsing into the space between Luke and Calum even though he was supposed to be sitting on the end, away from Luke. As he sits, Luke can already smell the alcohol on him and he rests his elbows on his knees for a brief second, putting his head in his hands and rubbing his tired eyes. This is not good. Management are going to be pissed. 

 

He’s aware of an awkward silence filling the room, the woman interviewing them looks sort of uncomfortable as she exchanges a glance with the small team of people that are there as well, watching from behind the camera. Even so, she turns to the camera with a smile on her face. 

 

“What’s up guys?” She says in the generic falsely bright voice, “I’m Hanna and today we’re here with the members of 5 Seconds of Summer!” 

 

The boys all say hey and then she starts with her questions. To begin with it’s ordinary stuff, just typical questions about whether or not they are excited about going on tour in two weeks, how they are preparing, if they’re writing any new songs. Luke stays quiet for most of it… he is all too aware of Mikey sitting too close to him, probably on purpose, though the older boy is pointedly keeping his eyes on anything but Luke. The blonde boy wants nothing more than to reach out and lace his fingers through Mikey’s and squeeze his hand in reassurance. He wants to take him aside, and tell him he doesn’t have to drink and do drugs, he can have Luke. They can be together, they can be happy. He can’t do that though… he has a girlfriend now. He’s promised he will be faithful to her and he has to stop thinking of Michael in this way. It’s wrong of them, being together just gets them both hurt. If Mikey can’t handle being alone without drinking himself to dust… that’s his problem. 

 

“Michael, I  _ have  _ to ask otherwise your fans will go crazy at me,” the interviewer says and it takes Luke a moment to realise who is being spoken to, “It was all over the news that you were in  _ hospital _ last week?”

 

“Yeah.” Michael replies flatly, “It was.”

 

“Am I allowed to ask you to elaborate on that story…?” 

 

Luke is hoping that Michael has come up with some kind of story, or at least that he will say something along the lines of, ‘I partied, as young guys do, and when you do that, things happen.’ Of course, he gets the opposite of what he hoped for. 

 

Leaning forward, Michael looks like he is thinking of an answer but then he just sighs exaggeratedly. “You know what I think? I think people ought to butt out of my business. You know? It’s like I have no privacy, I could get a tiny cut on my lip and a million girls will start freaking out about it on Twitter. I just-” 

 

“He’s having a bit of a creative crisis.” Ashton interrupts hastily, steering all the attention away from Michael who looks pleased with himself. “And personally I think he’s slightly embarrassed by how hard of a party animal he can be.” 

 

They all laugh shakily, apart from Michael who opens his mouth to say something. Not really able to shush him, Luke does the only thing he can think of. He reaches out and closes his hand over Michael’s and even though he wishes it didn’t, the one single touch that he has missed for so long sends shivers up his spine, but then his insides warm and his heart pulses because he has longed for him for so long. It works. Michael’s lips slam together and he doesn’t say anything more. For a moment he looks at the younger boy, his green eyes unreadable as he studies his face, and they almost forget that there is a camera there, that other people are watching. But the moment is gone suddenly, as Michael snatches his hand back, placing it in his lap so that Luke can’t take it again. Luke tries to pretend like it doesn’t hurt. He knows it’s his own fault anyway, he’s the one who screwed everything up last week. He left Michael and he got beaten up and taken to hospital, and then he left him again and broke his promise of a quick return. He always lets him down and it’s his own fault now that he is hurting, that Michael is suddenly out of control. He tries to tell himself it’s Michael’s fault but… he’s too confused now. Trying to blame himself or Michael, it’s just too much. 

 

After the interview is over, they all leave with relief. Ashton mutters something about getting management to pay the company to remove Michael’s outburst from the video before uploading it, but for the rest of the walk through the large building they are silent. It’s only once they are outside and walking towards the car that Ashton turns, his face like thunder. 

 

“Michael, what the  _ fuck  _ was that?!” He demands, yelling so loud that people walking on the other side of the street look over with interest. “You turn up drunk, in clothes that aren’t even your own, you don’t even look like you have washed. I turned a blind eye to that and kept quiet but… you can’t just say things like that!” 

 

“What?” Michael replies, his voice deadpan, “I can’t say my own opinion?”

 

“You know what I’m talking about.” Ashton says, his voice suddenly menacing and he is on the younger boy in a second, his hands clinging to the fabric of Michael’s shirt as he pushes him up against the wall and Luke is just thinking about how it’s lucky that nobody knew about their interview or they would have an audience. Still, seeing Ashton pinning Michael to the wall, it makes Luke nervous, and angry. Michael is struggling, he looks like he is in pain where his back slammed into the brick. 

 

“You’re fucking yourself up, Mikey.” Ashton says and his voice is soft but with Ash that’s how you know he is furious usually, when his voice is soft and like a low hiss. “But you can’t fuck this up for the rest of us. I won’t let you.” 

 

“Get your fucking hands off me.” Michael says, and he tries to shove Ashton off but it doesn’t do anything. 

 

Ash is one of the strongest of all of them and his muscles are tensing, he shoves the blue haired boy once more and when he winces as his head whacks the wall, Luke can’t take it. Neither can Calum it seems, the two of them rush forward at the same time. Taking his boyfriend’s shoulders, Calum tries to talk him down. 

 

“You don’t want to hurt him, Ash.” He insists, his voice shaking and his eyes flickering around the scene, trying to see if anyone is watching them. “We can’t start fighting, otherwise we’re all ruining this.” 

 

“ _ He  _ is ruining this.” Ashton snaps, and as he does he shoves Michael oncce more, this time a lot harder. 

 

Ash may be stronger but Luke is taller and angrier which equals that, it’s easy for him to intervene. Putting himself between Mikey and Ash, he puts his hands roughly on the oldest of them all’s shoulders, pushing him hard. It breaks the hold Ash has on Michael, so the latter crumples onto the floor and Luke wraps his fingers around Ash’s wrists to stop him from being able to go for Michael again.

 

“Let go of me Luke.” Ashton spits, but his eyes remain on Michael. “He deserves this, he hurt Cal and now he’s fucked everything up further.”

 

“You’ll fuck things up if you start fighting with him.” Luke says, “We’re screwed if we start beating each other up. Just… back off of him.”

 

Leaving the older boy to Calum, Luke turns around and rushes to crouch on the ground beside Michael. He is wincing to himself and has his hand on the back of his head, holding it where it hit the brick of the wall. 

 

“Oh, Michael.” He says sadly, “Are you okay?”

 

He lifts his own hands, one resting on the older boy’s shoulder and the other one going to the back of his head, but Michael flinches away from his touch. 

 

“Michael, come home. You need some painkillers and water, your head might start to really ache otherwise. Ashton didn’t mean-”

 

“Yes he did.” Michael cuts him off sharply, his eyes darkening. “I don’t need  _ you  _ to fight my battles for me, I can take care of myself.” 

 

Recoiling from his words, Luke almost falls onto his butt but manages to balance himself before standing up, getting to his feet. 

 

“I can see that.” He replies coldly, “You’ve been by yourself or with that  _ Evan  _ guy for a week and look at you. You’re a mess.” 

 

Following the younger boy to his feet, Michael meets those blue eyes he knows so well and glares at him, no traces of the boys who were once in love, now they’re just boys who are lost, who don’t recognise one another. Ashton and Calum have disappeared, waiting in the car. 

 

“What are you doing, Michael?” He asks then, his voice not cold but just confused, and he feels hurt that Michael won’t accept his help, he feels hurt because he misses the times before, before they were always fighting, never sure where they stand with one another. 

 

“I don’t know.” Michael replies, his voice tired and weak. His whole body crumbles, his shoulders slouching and his head bowing. 

 

“Just come home.” Luke pleads, and for a second he thinks Michael might actually agree. 

 

“I’ll see you at rehearsal.” The older boy mutters, and he stalks off, past Luke and past the waiting car, ignoring Luke telling him that’s not for a whole nother week. 

 

Feeling defeated, Luke turns and slowly lopes over to the car, sliding into the back seat beside Cal and across from Ashton. They look up at him expectantly, and he realises Ashton looks like he is crying, probably because he has realised everything he just said and did in the past few mintues. 

 

“He’s gone.” Luke replies flatly, shaking his head as the car starts to move. “Says he will see us at rehearsal.”

 

“What happened?” Calum asks softly, placing a comforting arm around the youngest of the band, pulling him in so that Luke’s blonde head rests on Calum’s shoulder. 

 

“I don’t get it.” Luke says into the silence, ignoring Cal’s question because he has no clue what just happened. “He’s the one who broke my heart, the one who said he didn’t love me, he’s the one that pushes everyone away… but I can’t stop feeling like it’s my fault. He’s hurting because of me, and everything is because of  _ me _ .”

 

“If there’s one thing we do know about Michael, it’s that we will never truly get him.” Calum says gently, “That’s one of the things I love about him.” 

 

Ashton leans forward, placing a shaking hand on Luke’s knee. “He’ll come back to us and he’ll be fine. He just needs time to figure his heart out.” 

  
Luke nods his head quietly in agreement, he wonders how Ashton can speak of Michael with such fondness in his voice after he just had him pinned to the wall, but then maybe that’s all part of it. They all love him, they all care about Michael so much so they are bound to get furious when he starts shoving them all away, when he starts destroying himself. Sighing, he closes his eyes so that he can have a small nap on the drive home. He’s barely been sleeping, worrying and wondering about Michael keeps him up. So does Arzaylea, always wanting to go out and do something, or always wanting to have sex. Somewhere along the journey, he starts to cry, silent tears sliding glassily down his cheeks. Nobody says anything, but Calum’s hold on him tightens. Luke just misses the feeling of true love, the feeling of being with somebody he trusts and cares about with all of his heart. He misses Michael. It seems like he is going to be missing him for a very long time. 


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a really short smutty scene in this chapter, it's not too great and it's not Muke... sorry. I think that's the reason it was so hard to write, I can't bear anything that isn't the two of them being happy together in this chapter so believe me, it was difficult :P 
> 
> Also sorry if my updates aren't as frequent. I'm currently working on another story too, a Malum one. Only this one I'm not updating as I write, so that should be coming in the near future.

“Shit.” Calum mutters, he’s looking down at this phone as he, Luke and Ashton enter the kitchen. 

 

“What is it?” Luke asks, glancing over with curiosity. 

 

Calum doesn’t say anything more, just looks up to him with a grim expression on his face before holding out his phone, showing the younger boy the screen. Taking it from him, Luke reads it and feels something drop in his stomach as he does so. 

 

“Luke Hemmings: New flame burning?” The title of a news article reads, followed by, “ _ It is being rumored that our very own Luke Hemmings of 5 Seconds of Summer has a girlfriend. And the fans are  _ not  _ happy about it. Is Arzaylea really as bad for him as the fans seems to think? We are yet to have fully confirmed proof, but do you not think this is enough? _ ” 

 

That’s followed by a photo - a screenshot of messages shared between Arzaylea and some random girl Luke has never even heard of, in which they are having a conversation about Arzaylea’s boyfriend, how  _ cute  _ he is, how much she loves him. 

 

“What the fuck.” Luke groans, “What am I going to do?” 

 

“Everyone is tweeting at us.” Ashton says, and he sounds pitiful. “ _ How could you let him go out with such a horrible girl _ ?” 

 

“Where is their proof of her being horrible, though?” Luke asks the two boys, both of whom just shrug their shoulders. 

 

Luke passes Calum back his phone before getting his own, and he checks twitter and sure enough, there are hundreds of direct tweets to him coming through by the minute, and none of them are very happy. They’re all being kind of harsh to Arzaylea which is expected, fans are never happy when the people they love get into relationships but… Then he comes to another photo, it’s the same one from the article. He reads through the conversation again and can’t help feeling irritated. The two of them had agreed to keep their relationship on the down low until Luke was ready but here is evidence of her telling someone that looks like a fan, not even a friend of hers, about the two of them. He wants to just ignore it but he knows he can’t. Stuffing his phone back into his pocket, Luke heads to the door. 

 

“Where are you going?” Calum asks. 

 

“To speak to Arzaylea.” Luke mutters, and as he gets into his car he hopes that he doesn’t get ambushed by fans crying about his new relationship status. 

 

  * \- - - - - - - - - -  - - - - 



“Guess the secret about  _ Larzaylea  _ is out.” Michael mutters with a sneer, dropping his phone down onto the bed and staring up at the ceiling. 

 

Evan strokes a hand through his hair, something he has learnt that Mikey loves over the past week of the blue haired boy staying with him at his apartment. He smiles, “What’s  _ Larzaylea _ ?” 

 

“What people are calling them. Luke and Arzaylea,  _ Larzaylea _ .” The younger boy explains like it should be obvious, and Evan makes a noise that’s a mixture of understanding and sympathy. 

 

“You wanna talk about it?” 

 

“No, not really.” Michael replies softly, and he rolls onto his side to look into Evan’s eyes. He wishes they were Luke’s and then feels sort of guilty. Evan has been a great friend to him even though they barely know one another, and he is so grateful that he is being allowed to stay here, and that Evan will sleep with him but also have deep meaningful conversations.  _ This  _ is a friends with benefits relationship, what he and Luke have…  _ used  _ to have, was not. That was people in love who wouldn’t admit it so they hid under the pretense of friends with benefits and therefore screwed everything up. 

 

“I fucked everything up at the interview, Evan.” Michael says, shaking his head in despair at himself. 

 

Frowning, Evan continues to stroke his long fingers through Mikey’s blue tufts of hair, all messed up from lying down. “What happened?”

 

“I showed up drunk and disgusting, for starters.” Michael begins, but he gestures to his now clean body thanks to Evan letting him shower, “And I said a stupid thing to the interviewer. I shouldn’t have even gone, with my face all banged up like this, but I went and just made things  _ worse _ . And then after that everybody got pissed off at me and we were outside and… and Ashton lost it at me.  _ Ashton _ . I mean, I understand, I did punch his boyfriend and then disappeared without even saying sorry, and then I screwed everything up but… it was just a shock.” 

 

Evan frowns as he takes in the story, but his fingers don’t stop playing with Michael’s hair and he doesn’t move away, he stays close.

 

“I’m pretty sure Luke hates me now.” Michael continues, “Well, even more than he did. He tried to stick up for me and I just shoved it back in his face and he looked so disappointed when he saw me.” 

 

“Honestly Mikey, if there is one thing I can actually understand about you and Luke, it’s that the two of you could never hate each other.” Evan says with a small smile. “He understands why you’re hurting. He’s got a girlfriend, and you’re in love with him and thought he loved you too. It makes sense.” 

 

“Yeah but I have no right to be jealous about that. I’m the one who told him I didn’t love him to begin with. I’m the one who fucked everything up right at the start and I have just carried on doing so.”

 

Evan shakes his head, a frown on his face still as he pulls Michael into his chest for a hug. They don’t say anything more for a while, instead they just lie there wrapped in one another’s embrace for ages. Michael is glad he has Evan, he has been such a great friend to him. Even so, that doesn’t stop him wishing he was at home, with his band, his best friends who he loves more than anyone else in the world. He wishes he could stop feeling so alone all the damned time even when he is not. Evan does fill the hole in his life but there’s still so many other gaps that need to be filled, a certain one being the space in Mikey’s heart where Luke should be. 

 

“I wish you could come on tour with me.” Michael says to change the subject. 

 

Evan smiles, “Yeah. Somehow I don’t think that would go down well for anyone.” 

 

“Yeah.” Michael agrees, sighing sadly because he really is going to miss Evan. He is such a good friend and he is not looking forward to having to spend all his time with the band again. There’s too much tension, too many people don’t like him and it’s too much to handle. It makes his heart hurt. 

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about Luke and his girlfriend?”

 

“We’ve already spoken about them.” Michael replies flatly, closing his eyes. 

 

Evan puts a comforting hand on Michael’s upper arm, squeezing his bicep reassuringly. “That was before they were public.” 

 

Michael contemplates it, maybe it  _ will  _ help to discuss it. Maybe it will make him feel better… he doesn’t want to feel better though, he realises. He feels like he deserves this, he deserves the pain and the sadness. Even if he resents it, and he resents Luke and Arzaylea for causing it, and he resents the fact that he is a celebrity now and soon the fans will see his bruised face when the interview goes live, and he resents his life… he brought it all on for himself. 

 

As if Evan can read his mind, the older boy speaks softly, “I’m sorry you’re hurting so much. You don’t deserve it.” 

 

Michael wants to argue and say he definitely does but he knows it would just be an empty fight with no outcome. Instead he opens his eyes again and wriggles up the bed so that he is leaning up as well, at the same height as Evan. He looks into those blazing blue eyes and then tilts his face, his lips meeting the skin of Evan’s neck. Suckling the skin there, he purposely leaves his marks all along the space. Now he doesn’t need to hide them as much, he used to have to try and hide them when he marked Luke but with Evan, it’s different. They don’t have to be afraid, they have some privacy, they’re alone in this little apartment. Even though they talk about it all, everything that is going on, here is somewhere Michael can get away from it all if he needs to. Get away from the feelings, get away from the pain and the sadness. 

 

Lifting his hands, he runs them along Evan’s chest before lowering them to the hem of the older boy’s T-shirt, tugging at it. With Evan’s aid, they get the shirt off and then Evan takes off his own pants as Michael undresses himself. They both get back down onto the bed again, only this time Evan is straddling Michael’s hips, hovering above him. 

 

“What can I do for you daddy?” He asks with a smirk, knowing that that name drives Michael crazy. 

 

When he says it, it brings back memories of Luke saying it, he would say it and then bite on his lip, playing with the lip ring there and it was so fucking hot. He knows it’s wrong but the whole time it’s happening, Michael is just imagining that Evan is Luke, or wishing he were. 

 

“Ride my cock.” Michael says huskily, but then adds with a glint in his eye, “Without lube.” 

 

Evan grins, and then with Michael’s help he positions himself, Michael sits up slightly and supports the older boy as he readies himself on Michael’s erect dick. The blonde boy grunts and moans as he takes the cock inside of him, and then slowly he starts to rise and fall. Michael holds him lightly, laying back against the pillows and throwing his chin in the air as he moans out too. 

 

_ Luke,  _ he’s thinking as Evan moans at the feeling of the euphoria mingled with discomfort and pleasure. When Michael feels that he is ready to blow his load, he quickly tells Evan to get off of him. Jerking himself off, Michael keeps his eyes trained on Evan’s face, those baby blue eyes meeting his with a fire behind them, gleaming flames of pleasure. 

 

“Don’t just sit there,” Michael gasps out, “You’re going to swallow me. You’re going to taste me like the little slut you are and you’re going to let every single bittersweet drop go down your throat.

 

“Yes Daddy.” Evan replies, and he leans down, opening his mouth to take Michael’s length. Right away it goes to the back of the blonde boy’s throat and he gasps, looking up at his daddy from beneath his sandy lashes. 

 

When Michael feels himself let go, feels his juices spilling out of him, he grins when he looks at the changing expressions on Evan’s face - distaste but determination as he swallows the liquid. When he has taken every last drop, he sticks his tongue out to prove that it’s all gone before Michael lets him lie back down. 

 

“Good baby.” He croons, teasing slightly as he knocks Evan’s chin lightly with his fingers. 

 

Evan fake scowls at him but he can’t help himself from smiling as he nuzzles into Michael’s chest. He may be older and wiser, but when it comes to this he loves to be the baby of the two, being cuddled and kissed on the forehead. The arrangement works well for the both of them. 

 

  * \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 



 

“Luke, what are you doing here so early?” Arzaylea asks from the doorway of her apartment, looking at her ‘boyfriend’ with confusion but still a smile on her face. 

 

He says nothing, just holds up the phone with the article on the screen. He watches grimly as she acknowledges what it is, and then she is too silent as she steps aside to allow him entry. He walks right in, leading the way to the living room and she follows once she has shut the door. 

 

“What is this, Arz?” He demands, turning to face her with a glare. “We said we were going to keep this quiet.” 

 

“Yeah, I know!” She replies, immediately getting defensive. “Luke, don’t be so mad about it, we’re together, so what if people know?”

 

He tugs at his blonde hair, “What do you mean,  _ so what _ ? Sure, if I weren’t… if I didn’t have management who demand to know this stuff and I didn’t have fans who don’t deserve to find out this way, then it would be no big deal. But Arzaylea, I - I hate to say this but I’m  _ famous _ , you can’t just tell everyone about-”

 

“I  _ didn’t _ !” She argues, stepping closer to him. “I just sent one or two messages to girls I knew, and some photos to my closest friends and they-”

 

“You sent  _ photos _ ?” Luke asks, raising his voice. 

 

Arzaylea doesn’t move away from him, she just steps closer and places her hands on his chest in an attempt to be calming. She looks up at him, “Yeah, to my friends who deserve to know who I am dating-” 

 

“What photos?” Luke spits angrily, moving away from her touch and folding his arms, glaring at her with fury. 

 

“Nothing!” She insists, “Well… they weren’t like, naked photos or anything if that’s what you were wondering. Just one of you I took and one of us two in bed but we were fully clothed and-”

 

“I don’t care if we were wearing clothes or not!” He yells, “The fact is, I told you we had to keep this quiet for a while and then you just go and tell everyone! You must have  _ known  _ this would happen!”

 

She’s been looking at him with a reproachful stare but suddenly she looks like she’s about to  _ cry _ , tears in her eyes as she shies away from him, wrapping her arms around herself defensively. “I didn’t expect them to share them with people.” She says in a small voice practically a whisper compared to Luke’s shouts. 

 

He’s about to continue to yell but then he thinks about her words and is just confused. “...What?” He asks with a shake of his head. 

 

She looks up at him, and then sits down on the couch instead, pulling her knees up to her chest. 

 

“I told my friends not to tell anyone, I thought I could trust them. But when they found I’m dating Luke Hemmings they must have thought it would be a good way for them to get some fame too. I really didn’t want this to happen.”

 

And a big part of Luke really doesn’’t believe her. No,  _ all  _ of Luke doesn’t believe her. He’s been suspecting that she’s using him just for fame when she kept asking if they could tell people about them, asking why he doesn’t follow her back on Twitter or Instagram and getting offended about it, not even caring if he doesn’t love her as long as he stays with her, like a fake publicity relationship. Yet there seems to be something about girls crying that weakens them. He walks forwards before crouching down in front of her, taking her hands in his own and looking into her eyes. 

 

“...Don’t cry.” He says uncertainly, not even sure if that’s the right thing to say. 

 

“I really didn’t mean to hurt you, Luke, or to make you angry.” She says tearfully, sniffing. 

 

He doesn’t really know what to say so he just looks up at her still, but when she still looks miserable he tries to smile and strokes a hand through a hair. Suddenly now all he feels is guilt, guilty for making her cry when maybe she  _ didn’t  _ do anything wrong. 

 

“I didn’t think my friends would stab me in the back like this.” She says. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He says flatly, “...Did you really not think this would happen?” 

 

“No. I  _ promise  _ Lukey, I wanted to keep it private like you wanted, I didn’t  _ want  _ all these random people to follow me on Twitter suddenly, I didn’t  _ want  _ to be known as your new girlfriend until we were ready. I thought I could trust them…” 

 

He doesn’t believe her. He is aware of this fact, aware that he knows she is lying but somehow he still feels terrible, he still feels pity for her having her friends do this to her. So he gets up and sits beside her on the couch and pulls her into him, hugging her. It’s an empty hug really. No love, no relief at the feel of having her pressed against him like he always used to feel when he hugged Michael. He shakes his head at himself, the whole point of this relationship is to stop himself from thinking about Michael. To just  _ delete  _ the Muke chapter of his life. 

  
“I believe you.” He says, the lie as flat as death falling off his tongue. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :-)


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was reading back over a few of the chapters the other day and I just wanted to state that I don't have a beta reader or everything which is the reason why there may be mistakes every now and again haha. 
> 
> This chapter made me shed a tear or two as I wrote, I'm not ashamed to admit :P Hope you enjoy it ^-^

Michael thought that nobody else would be home when he came to get some stuff but evidently, he was wrong. He’s already kind of drunk, which is making it difficult for him to be as quiet as possible in order to avoid Cal. Maybe he shouldn’t be drunk already, he doesn’t even know, but the only way he could even pluck up the courage to return to the home where everyone hates him was if he had alcohol in his system. To be fair, he is doing a good job of concealing the fact that he is there, Calum barely seems to hear… until he gets the sudden urge to throw up. 

 

Calum is in in his bedroom watching Netflix when he hears the sound of Michael heaving in the bathroom across the hall. Even if it is a sort of a gross way for him to finally see his best friend again, Calum practically leaps out of his bed in excitement. He pauses the show he is watching before rushing to the bathroom, and sure enough there is Michael. He’s finished puking and now just sits curled up on the floor, a sheen of sweat across his pale face. His blue hair has faded to a very light green. It’s only been a few days but he looks so different. Calum considers scolding him, asking what the heck he is doing, making him feel bad for punching him and then just disappearing but something about seeing Mikey in such a state gets to him. He rushes forward, falling down onto his knees and wordlessly wrapping his arms around the older boy, pulling him into his chest like he’s a small, fragile doll. Michael is only wearing a vest and the bathroom is freezing, he’s shivering but his skin feels hot to the touch. 

 

“Cal.” He murmurs, though it sounds more like a grunt. 

 

“Yeah buddy. It’s me.” Calum says gently, eyes skimming over Michael’s face, the bruises are fading slightly but he looks exhausted. “I must say, I didn’t think the first time I saw you again would be like this.” He adds, a weak attempt at humour. 

 

Michael smiles but stays quiet, shaking his head as the corners of his lip twitch upward. 

 

“Oh Mikey.” Calum exhales, he hates seeing his best friend in such a state, even if he is still kind of pissed that he got punched and that Michael messed up the interview. 

 

Sometimes Calum feels like he is the only one who remembers why Michael is being the way he is. He’s hurting so badly, he just wants to be with the man he loves but he won’t let himself because he hates himself that much, he thinks he is that toxic. And then Luke just goes and gets a new girlfriend, of course that would hurt. Calum doesn’t want to think about how he would act if Ash started dating anybody else. Part of him resents Luke for doing this to Mikey, even if he doesn’t even do it on purpose. But really, who would choose that bitch Arzaylea over Michael? It’s safe to say that he isn’t too keen on Luke’s new girlfriend - not that he would ever say anything about that. He strokes his fingers through Michael’s faded hair, pushing it back from his face slightly, it’s soaked in sweat. 

 

“You  _ need  _ to get off the drugs and drink.” He says softly, more to himself than to Michael really because he knows that he needs to actually try and help. He had thought Luke would do that but… evidently not. 

 

Michael doesn’t take the caring words well though. He frowns, sitting up, holding onto the toilet bowl as a support to wriggle away from Calum. 

 

“No, listen to me.” Calum insists, working to make his voice sound sterner. “You need to, Mikey. We can’t keep turning a blind eye to it. The fans are noticing things, we’re going on tour soon, you were just in hopsital… everyone needs you.  _ I  _ need you.” 

 

For a second he thinks his words actually make an impact, but Michael just wrinkles up his nose. 

 

“It’s sweet that you care so much about me.” He manages to say, but then suddenly he is hunched back over he throws up again. 

 

Calum turns away, he hates seeing vomit, especially when said vomit is a product of someone he loves slowly but surely on the path to killing himself. Michael’s response makes him mad, he rises to his feet and sits up on the ledge of the bath instead, away from the puking boy. He stays there for a moment but then he leaves. Michael thinks that Calum has just completely left him for good, but a moment later the bassist returns, carrying a giant glass of water and two tablets in his hand.  

 

“Take these.” He orders, holding them out. 

 

Now slumped against the wall, Michael looks at the pills and then up at Calum. “Are you allowed to take painkillers with alcohol?” He asks, wide eyed. 

 

Rolling his own eyes, Calum pushes them to the older boy again, and reluctantly Michael accepts. 

 

“It’s not like it’s some hard drug,” Calum says as he watches Michael take the tablets, and then takes a long gulp of the water, emphasising how good the water is with an, ‘ _ aaah _ .’ “Anyway, the rules about mixing drugs with alcohol hasn’t really stopped you before.” 

 

Michael snorts once. It’s not a very happy laugh, if it even counts as a laugh but… it’s something. Keeping his eye on his best friend, Cal returns to sitting on the ledge of the bath. He returns to responding to Michael’s last comment before he threw up. 

 

“Of course I care about you, Mikey.” He says gently, and part of him thinks the only reason he is saying it is because he knows that the likelihood is, Michael won’t remember any of this in the morning. “If you carry on like this… you’ll end up in rehab or some shit. I don’t want that to happen, Mikey. If you had to go there...I don’t think the band would even carry on. Remember that time you lost your passport and we had to perform without you? It was  _ awful _ , Mikey,  _ fucking awful _ . There was no energy on that stage, we were all miserable, I had nobody to sit with.” He laughs, “You’re my best friend. So yeah, I fucking care about you. We can’t teep turning a blind eye, or you’ll become an alcoholic or something. That would not be good for your body, I’m telling you that much.” 

 

He pauses, eyes roaming over Michael. He’s listening silently, not smiling but not glaring either, he’s just looking at the tiles of the floor, his face serious. He has one knee pulled up to his chest, the other leg stretched out. He looks so  _ lost _ . 

 

“Don’t you care about me, Mikey?” Calum asks then, and when he gets no response he drops back down onto his knees, placing a hand on the older boy’s shoulder. “I love you, Michael. I fucking do. Don’t you love me? You punched me and I still love you - I think Ash is more wound up about that than I am. You can do all of this, and I  _ still love you _ . Why don’t you feel the same? We’re brothers, man.” 

 

“I never said I don’t feel the same way.” Michael mutters flatly, he still isn’t meeting the younger boy’s eyes. 

 

“Yeah but I don’t think you do.” Calum continues, “If you did… if you did, you wouldn’t leave me. You wouldn’t run away when you hurt me, you would stay and apologise. You wouldn’t leave me in a house alone with the two dummies.” He laughs again, an attempt at making the situation slightly easier. “You would  _ stop _ . Stop drinking all the time, stop doing the drugs, stop getting into fights. Stay with me.” 

 

He feels like he is going to cry but he knows Michael would most likely just tease him, so he blinks the tears back quickly. Michael slowly turns his head, and he lets his bright green eyes meet Cal’s for the first time. They are wide and filled with fear and sadness and exhaustion. 

 

“I know I’m fucking everything up.” He whispers. “I get drunk and get high and sleep with random guys and I screwed up that interview and you all hate me. I just don’t know what else to do… otherwise I feel everything and then I  _ know  _ how bad things are, I can’t-”

 

“You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself.” Calum says sharply, going for the tough love approach. “Even when you’re drunk like now, you still  _ know  _ how bad things are, you just turn a blind eye to it and let it get worse. Mikey, you need to accept that yeah, things are shit right now. Yeah you hurt Luke, and he’s hurting you, but spending every night going to parties is hardly going to get rid of any of that.” 

 

“I know.” Michael replies, and he looks down at the floor again. It looks like  _ he’s  _ going to start crying. “I just don’t know what else to do.”  

 

“Nothing is going to get solved if you just run away from it. You can’t just stay from us all and hope it all disappears. Tour starts in just over a week and we’re all going to be in a hotel together. Something tells me it’s going to take a while for Ashton to relax slightly, you might as well start while you’re ahead, right?”

 

Michael smiles then, a very thin smile that’s almost invisible, but it’s a smile nonetheless. Calum smiles too, clapping the older boy on the shoulder. Then Michael gets to his feet, downing the rest of the glass of water as he does so.

 

“Thanks for that.” He gestures to the empty glass, “It helped. I should-”

 

“Wait, what?” Calum interrupts, getting up to his feet too and glaring. “I  _ just  _ told you to stop running away and now you’re just going to do it again?” 

 

Hesitating, Michael hovers there uncertainly with his mouth open, like there are words trying to fall out but he won’t move his tongue to let them. He pulls out his phone and reads the screen, he told Evan he would be back in under an hour but… then he looks back up to Calum and he feels guilty. 

 

“I guess I could stay for a little while.” Michael relents, speaking softly. 

 

He feels even worse when he realises how relieved Calum looks. He’s completely ditched his band, most of all Calum. The two of them are best friends, they used to talk to one another about anything and everything, do everything together - party, watch films, have jam sessions with their guitars, write songs. Michael’s let his own selfishness and his own heartbreak sever the tie between the two of them, as well; and now the thought of seeing Mikey for even a moment gives Calum the look of someone who has just been promised the world. Glancing down, he watches as his best friend stretches his hand out, and then slowly he has to tell himself that it’s okay, it’s okay if he stays for a little while. Lacing his own fingers through Cal’s, he allows the younger boy to pull him from the bathroom and to his bedroom. He’s been watching Netflix on his laptop, it’s still open on the edge of his bed, the duvet unmade. 

 

“I was watching American Dad,” Calum says with a small laugh, “Me and Ash always watch it. We can watch something else if you-”

 

“No, that’s cool.” Michael stops him, allowing himself to smile. It feels like a real smile, he so rarely gives those to anyone. He wants to ask if Luke is coming home tonight but he doesn’t want to ruin the sudden niceness of the moment, the familiar friendliness he suddenly feels flowing through him. They both sit down on the bed, and they lie back against the pillows, shoulders touching, and Cal pulls the duvet back over their legs. Michael has missed him so much. He misses Ashton too and… no. He pushes the thought of Luke from his mind, he’s going to allow himself to be peaceful, just for a moment. 

 

They stay there for what feels like hours, not even talking much but Michael finds comfort in the silence. He laughs at the show and he listens to Calum laugh too, but whilst he is focusing on that he finds his mind drifting off. He remembers  _ before _ . Not just before the whole mess with Luke but even farther, back in Australia when they would spend hours after school in each other’s rooms, playing guitar, talking about whatever, playing videogames, watching TV. Everything seemed so much  _ easier.  _ Sure, Michael never went to school and therefore he had a tough relationship with his parents, and though they had (and still do have) many things in common they were also complete opposites - Calum wanted to go out with kids from school, he wants to go to parties, he wanted to play football and Michael wanted to stay inside, holed up playing games on his computer and pretty much nothing else; but they were still so  _ happy _ . In comparison to how they are now… 

 

They used to talk about the future. When they would be out of Sydney, out of Australia, travelling the world with their band who they hadn’t met the rest of yet, making a name for themselves. They used to say how much better it would be, how they would finally be free. It’s not like Michael hates his career, on the contrary he  _ loves it _ , he loves the lifestyle and the fans and the music, the parties but… he hates how sad he is. He hates how he is known by everyone around the word but he feels lonely, how he has done so much but still feels so lost and how he is so fucked up inside because he lets his stupid heart ruin everything, he’s letting everything with Luke ruin his entire being and that just makes him feel more stupid. 

 

His thoughts are interrupted by Calum’s phone buzzing loudly on the bedside table, which just so happens to be right next to Michael’s head. He hadn’t even realised but the episode of American Dad is frozen, saying,  _ Are you still watching?  _ And he’s slumped down the bed and now slouches with his head lounging on Calum’s shoulder. Calum is asleep, snoring softly. He looks so peaceful. Michael can smell him, the faint lingering ashy smoke of his cigarettes and the minty shower gel he uses and even that brings him comfort. He doesn’t wake him up to tell him that his phone is going off purely because he looks so far away in dreams. Still, out of curiosity, Michael turns to the side and looks at the screen and the message there makes his heart suddenly speed up.  

  
  


_ From: Luke _

 

_ Cal, coming home but Arz is coming with me. Make sure the place isn’t a tip please.  _

 

This is the one thing he was hoping to avoid, running into Luke. He can’t bring himself to even think about it, the last time they saw one another Luke looked hurt and pissed off because what a surprise, Luke hurt him again, and also the last time they saw one another Michael was so hurt he wanted nothing more than to let the ground swallow him whole, devouring him and never spitting his back up again because just looking at his blue eyed boy makes him miserable. Running into Luke is bad enough but running into Luke and his  _ girlfriend _ … He casts another look at Cal. He said he would stay… but surely Calum will understand? Michael will have to see him eventually that’s obvious but he isn’t ready to now. As he gently lifts himself up off the bed, he can’t help thinking with some resentment that Luke seems to care enough about fucking  _ Arzaylea  _ to want the house clean. That alone is enough to make Michael despise their relationship even more. Before leaving the room, he tucks the duvet properly around Calum and feels slightly like a concerned parent (then he internally laughs at the thought of himself being a concerned parent) and then he goes to his own room. He had stopped packing his backpack with clothes when he went to throw up and now moves with lightning speed, tossing anything he can find into it, enough clothes for a week and then he’ll have to come back anyway to pack for tour. Swinging the bag onto his shoulder, he leaves his own bedroom, firmly closing the door behind him and then he is about to go down the stairs but he pauses outside Luke’s room. He remembers the nights he used to come here when he couldn’t sleep, and Luke would be up playing guitar and he would sing him softly back to sleep. He remembers the nights where he would sneak along and the two of them would make love. They never used to call it make love but now… Michael doesn’t know what else to call it. It was much more than just fucking. Hesitating, he lifts his hand to the doorknob, and then pushes the door open. Luke’s room looks the same as ever. Kind of messy, unmade bed, clothes all over the floor, a little of mugs over the desk. Part of Michael feels like a peeping tom and he thinks he should leave but now he feels his heart slowing, like it’s tired. He longs to curl up on that bed with Luke in his arms. The room gives him a strange sense of nostalgia, but he can’t stay, what would be worse than running into Luke in the hallway? Luke and his girlfriend catching him in his  _ room _ . 

 

As he goes to leave though, his eye catches something on the desk. It’s Luke’s songwriting notebook, left open. He recognises it because they used to always write songs together in it, and he knows that Luke is very shy about his songs. He never shows them to somebody unless he is certain that the song is perfect… intrigue gets the better of him, and Michael walks slowly over to it. 

 

_ God,  _ he thinks to himself,  _ You’re pathetic. Even his handwriting makes you want to burst into tears.  _

 

His scrawl is like a neat scribble, he writes fast so it all looks kind of rushed but the letters are long, elegantly sloping to the side. He feels like an intruder but now that he has started he can’t stop reading. He thinks it’s a song but it looks more like a poem, the way he has written it all - they’re not words that Michael could ever imagine 5 Seconds of Summer singing. 

 

_ Sea green eyes, let me swim deep  _

_ Let me drown down into the waters you keep  _

_ Let me be your baby blue  _

_ Let me be the one that you   _

_ let swim in the ocean of your eyes but even more  _

_ I want to get lost in the heat of your core  _

_ I want to know you like you don’t let another soul  _

_ I want to be yours, and I want to own your whole _

_ being in my sore and hungry arms _

_ I want you to be the one who soothes me, keeps me calm  _

_ I want you more than I can ever even say  _

_ Take my heart, take my words, maybe some day  _

_ It will all be over and the pain will go  _

_ Maybe I can soon look into your rivers as though  _

_ You are mine and I am yours  _

_ I am yours and you are mine  _

_ Come home to me, sea green eyes  _

 

Michael feels hot tears spilling down his cheeks. He feels breaths coming from his throat too fast, too many at a time and he can’t handle it anymore. It’s all too familiar to him.  _ Let me be your baby blue.  _ It’s what he used to always call him, when they were sleepy and they were cuddling. His fingers trace over the words on the page and he wishes it could make everything okay. He wishes he could read this and then tell Luke he feels the same and then everything will all go back to normal but he knows he can’t. Everything is too complicated for it to be fixed with a poem. 

  
Now  _ it’s time to go,  _ he thinks to himself, but then something else catches his eye. He can still smell Calum, cigarette smoke and apples, and Luke’s wardrobe is open… he goes over to it, gingerly pulling the door wider. Without even fully thinking about it, he reaches down and grabs the first bit of material that his fingers find. He lifts up a black sweater, automatically he hugs it to his chest and bows his head into it, so that he can smell it. It’s the closest he has been to Luke in so long. It smells of his sweat to be honest, though even that is okay because it’s still a part of Luke, but as well as that, mingled in to it is mountain dew which Luke always drinks and his cologne. Michael breathes it all in and sits there for ages, letting it wash over him, and he can almost imagine that it is a warm hug folding him in, and he is still crying, overcome with more emotion than he has felt in forever. He’s not been letting himself cry, he’s been holding it all in and now that he is, he can already feel how red his eyes must be, and he can feel the drops drying onto his face and his throat is slightly raw. He doesn’t know how loud he was being but Calum doesn’t seem to be awake. Still, Luke could be back any minute now. He almost puts the sweater back but then he decides to keep it. Luke probably won’t even realise it’s gone, he has about a million sweaters and in L.A. he never even wears them. Picking his bag back up, Michael leaves the room as quietly as possible, and then he is down the stairs and down the hall and out the door and gone, as if he was never there at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That poem isn't very good, I randomly made it up on the spot haha so sorry. I don't want to do any injustice to Luke's actual writing skills :'D


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, this chapter is really bad. I don't really like where it's going at the moment but I wanted to get something up. Hope it's okay anyway, though. 
> 
> Anyway, it's Easter break now so I should be able to spend more time writing and update more frequently for the next two weeks, so that's a bright side I guess :')

 

Luke keeps checking the time because he is  _ that  _ excited to be finally going to band rehearsal again. It seems like so long since they all played together, and he’s even more excited for tour next week. Of course he is nervous about seeing Michael, too. He’s not seen him for just over a week, and even that one time, that one interview, that was the first time he had properly seen him in weeks. It’s like the boy he used to know so well is a ghost. As he steps out from the shower, wrapping one of Arzaylea’s towels around himself, he checks his reflection in the mirror. He’s so happy but underneath all that he’s even more miserable. Since when did it seem like such a rare occasion that he spend time with the three most important people in his life? Since when did hanging out with his best friends, playing instruments with his band, become something he longs for? 

 

Emerging from the en suite bathroom, Luke fees his smile immediately drop from his face. Arzaylea is sitting curled up on the bed with  _ his  _ phone in her hand, only the moment she realises his presence she lets it slip from her fingers and tries to act like she wasn’t just snooping on his phone. 

 

“Hey baby.” She greets him, “Good shower?”

 

“What were you just doing on my phone?” Luke asks curiously, a frown on his face. 

 

Getting up from the bed, she starts to walk over to him, and she puts her hands on his hips, nothing between them but the fluffy pink material of the towel around Luke’s waist. 

 

“I had to make a call.” She says, looking up at him from beneath her eyelashes. “I didn’t think you would mind?”

 

He glances over at his phone, and he feels his brow furrow because he knows that she wasn’t making a phone call. She was scrolling, like she was going through his messages or something and maybe he is being paranoid but that kind of pisses him off. 

 

“It’s just that mine is dead and it takes  _ forever  _ to charge and the call was urgent…” 

 

He doesn’t believe her, he can tell that everything coming from her mouth is a lie but he doesn’t even want to say anything. He doesn’t want to start an argument or anything so he just lets it happen.

 

“The shower was good.” He says in response to her earlier question, and he moves out of her hold and goes over to his clothes discarded on the floor by the bed. They’re the same clothes as yesterday but it doesn’t really matter, he pulls them on. 

 

The jumper has a scratchy material that itches his arms but he couldn’t find the one he wears most when he went home briefly and it’s not like he wears it all day anyway, considering how warm it is in L.A. He still has a while until a car comes to get him, so he sits down on the edge of the bed, scrolling through Instagram. He can tell Arzaylea wants to say something, she is hovering by him in an irritable manner. When it gets too annoying, he looks up at her and raises his eyebrows. 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What?”

 

“Do you want to say something?” He says maybe a little harshly, so he adds a small giggle on to the end which his girlfriend seems to find cute. 

 

She sits down then, cuddling up to him, looking over his shoulder as he looks down his feed. 

 

“I was just wondering,” she says in a sweet voice, “If I could maybe come to band rehearsal with you? It’s just I’ve gotten used to seeing you all the time and I can’t bear the thought of a whole day without you.”

 

Luke says no maybe a little bit too fast, but even if he is somewhat dating her, he needs some time away from her or he will go insane and… and he doesn’t want anyone interrupting his time with his band. He’s missed them too much. 

 

“It’s just,” he quickly rushes to amend, “That the fans aren’t very happy with our relationship and… and if they see us out and about I don’t know how they will react.”

 

“So your fans come before me?” She says, and Luke hesitates for a moment too long. “ _ Luke.”  _

 

He doesn’t really know what else to do so he tries to  tell her no in a slightly sweeter way. He places his lips to her miserably pouting ones. 

 

“Sorry, I just think we should lie low for now.” He says with a smile, and he strokes the back of his hand lightly across her cheek.

 

“Luke-”

 

_ Saved by the bell  _ he thinks to himself when his phone buzzes, letting him know that there is a car downstairs for him. Glancing down at his phone, he leans in to kiss her again and shoves a quick goodbye in her direction before leaving the apartment. 

 

He gets into the car, resting his head against the window and glancing down at his phone. He’s pissed off that she was on it and clearly  _ not  _ making an emergency call… he thinks back to how she stopped him from finding out about Mikey being in hospital and maybe he is being paranoid, but he instantly goes to look at his messages. Nothing sent or received… he goes to the call log.

 

_ Missed call: Mikey  _

He feels his heart thump faster suddenly, pounding against his chest without warning and he frowns at the screen. Michael hasn’t spoken to him in what feels like forever, why is he suddenly calling him? Deciding he’ll just ask when he gets to rehearsal, he slides the phone back into  his pocket and lets his thoughts wander. 

 

He doesn’t trust Arzaylea. Why does she keep cancelling his phone calls? Why does she keep looking through his stuff? Why does she keep pretty much forcing him to stay the night? But more importantly, why does he keep  _ sleeping with her?  _ Of his own accord, he’ll let her talk him into it. Well, he sort of knows why. He wants a distraction from Mikey but… he doesn’t enjoy it. He doesn’t enjoy  _ her,  _ he doesn’t like being with  _ her _ . He wants to be with his band, he wants to be with  _ Michael _ . He just wants things to go back to normal. It’s not like he is being forced into anything though, it’s all his own choice. He could break up with her, so why  _ isn’t  _ he? 

 

It’s only when the driver calls back over his shoulder to let Luke know that they are there that he snaps out of his thoughts. 

 

“Thanks.” He mutters, before climbing out of the back seat. 

 

He doesn’t even know where he is, they’ve never rehearsed like this before. They’re usually just at home but now that they are getting more professional they have to go to some weird centre place with a stage set up and crew members to help them. As he makes his way into the building his heart races. He’s not seen Michael in forever and he’s already getting nervous about it. They’ve been on the worst terms lately and it causes him so much pain, he doesn’t even know where the two of them stand anymore. Eventually, he can hear the sound of Ashton’s drums echoing down the hallway and he follows the sound, and finds himself in a large open space. There’s a load of people he doesn’t even know, but then his eyes fall onto his band mates and he softens immediately. He’s missed them so much. It’s only been a week but it feels like longer, this is how it’s supposed to be. The four of them, their songs and their instruments. It’s just like old times.

 

Except it’s not.

 

Calum looks over at him and smiles, Ashton hasn’t realised that Luke is even in the room because he is too focused on the drums and Michael… he looks over at Luke and then walks in the opposite direction, picks up his guitar and sits down on a chair with his back to the youngest boy.

 

Gulping down the lump in his throat, Luke enters the room further and goes over to Calum. Calum actually gets up and  _ hugs  _ him. 

 

“Hey, I saw you last week.” Luke laughs, playing it cool, but then he grips onto Calum’s shirt anyway and hugs him even tighter than he himself is being squeezed. 

 

He’s so lonely, he realises with a sudden pounding to his chest. Staying in an apartment with Arzaylea for almost two weeks now is making him lonely because he doesn’t  _ love  _ being with her. He doesn’t enjoy it like he enjoys living with his band. 

 

“How excited are you to be touring?” Calum asks with a grin, but it looks maybe a little forced. 

 

Luke decides not to comment on that fact and instead just beams back. “Yeah, I’m so excited, man.”

 

Ashton hears him speak and looks up, and a grin breaks over his face and he gets up, pulling Luke into a hug.

 

_ It shouldn’t be like this,  _ Luke is thinking.  _ We shouldn’t be greeting each other like strangers. Michael shouldn’t be hiding away in the corner.  _

 

“Mikey, get over here.” Ash calls. 

 

Luke watches Michael, he can’t help it. He didn’t even realise when he walked in, but Michael has dyed his hair again. It’s still blue, but not faded to a greeny colour anymore, it’s a lot more vibrant. He looks tired, more so than usual, and he looks thinner. Like he hasn’t been eating much but… he doesn’t stink of alcohol. He’s not hungover or drunk. That’s a good sign. Luke wants to hug him.  _ God,  _ he wants to kiss him, he wants to make love to him, he wants to lie in bed together doing nothing, he wants to play video games long into the night, he wants to sing him to sleep. He used to always sing Michael to sleep and he wonders now, maybe that’s why Michael doesn’t look like he has slept much. Because without Luke, he  _ hasn’t _ . 

 

Of course, he could end it all. He could end it with Araylea and then he could end the pain and the heartbreak with him and Michael by saying all this out loud. He could confess that he misses him, he could say he forgives him for breaking his heart. He could say that they can try just being friends. He could hug him and cry and say he misses him… but he doesn’t. He just returns the frosty stare, he doesn’t want to get himself hurt again. He doesn’t want to get rejected. 

 

They start to rehearse and it sounds good, it feels good, just like it’s supposed to. Luke grins as he hears the familiar music buzzing through his veins. It’s only when they are singing  _ Jet Black Heart  _ that the smile slips. Michael is singing. 

 

It’s all Michael and… and he sounds so  _ pained _ . He sounds exhausted and his voice is raspier and he looks like he is about to  _ fucking cry _ . Ashton is watching the blue haired boy closely too, but he doesn’t look worried. He looks… normal. Luke knows that everyone is pissed off at Michael but suddenly he realises how alone Michael must be feeling. They just need each other, they just need to be with one another again and then they will be happy but he’s still terrified. Then it’s his turn to join in. 

 

_ “Now I’m holding on for dear life,”  _ he starts to sing. 

 

Michael echoes him, and in that moment, they both look at one another. Their eyes meet and they hold on to one another. Michael called him. Maybe Michael wants to make things better as well, but he doesn’t  _ look  _ like it. He is looking at Luke with nothing but pain and confusion and anger but… not  _ longing _ . And then Luke thinks maybe he is being selfish because he is doing well at hiding his own feelings. Their voices merge together and it breaks Luke’s heart. 

 

“ _ But now that I’m broken, and now that you know it, caught up in a moment, can you see inside?”  _

 

It’s all too real all of a sudden. The words to the song, Luke has never been able to relate to them more. Usually though, when they sing they sing these words and they play these notes, they are standing close. They are playing off on one another and they are smiling as the hold eye contact but now… they stand stiff and far apart. Luke has never been more relieved than when Calum starts to sing the bridge because he feels like he is about to burst into tears. 

 

_ “The blood in my veins, is made up of mistakes…” _

 

The mistakes Luke and Michael have made… there is way too many to count. Every single drop of blood inside of him right now is a mistake, that’s for certain. The mistake of falling in love with Mikey, the mistake of starting it all with a friends with benefits relationship, the mistake of saying he loved Michael, the mistake of letting Michael’s words crush him into oblivion for a while. The mistake of letting Mikey go, the mistake of getting with Arzaylea, the mistake of letting her talk him into staying with her just to get over Michael because he doesn’t  _ want  _ to get over him. He wants to get  _ with  _ him.

 

Eventually it’s time to take a break. Luke blinks his eyes, holding back the teardrops threatening to leak from the corners of them. Calum and Ashton disappear to get food, Luke doesn’t want to go and… and Michael doesn’t get invited. Ashton is glaring at him with such a piercing anger that it makes Luke’s heart ache. Mikey looks so alone… he could make it all better. He could go and talk to him but he promised himself he wouldn’t let himself get hurt again. Michael has hurt him too many times. 

 

It gets too awkward though, the two of them are sitting on opposite sides of the room and it is silent. Luke is on his phone and then he remembers Michael trying to call him and he wonders if it was something important. Against his better judgement, he gets to his feet and slowly starts to approach Mikey. With each step his heart begins to thump harder and faster because he hasn’t spoken directly to Michael in so long. Well, two weeks, when Michael told him he didn’t need him to fight his battles. 

 

“Hi.” He breathes out, and he cringes at the tremble to his voice. 

 

Michael’s head jerks up and his eyes meet Luke’s and he furrows his brow in confusion. 

 

“...Hey.” He replies flatly, but then his voice wavers.

 

Hesitating, Luke positions himself on the edge of the small stage so that he is sat beside Michael. His feet touch the floor but Michael’s legs dangle slightly and it makes Luke smile to himself, so small of a smile that it’s probably not even visible. They’re quiet. They are so close to one another, so close to touching. 

 

“I, uh,” Luke begins, trying hard to find the right words but he can’t because his mind is suddenly fuzzy and a jumbled mess, “I just wanted to apologise for cancelling your call.” He sounds so  _ formal,  _ they sound like strangers. 

 

Michael doesn’t say anything, just stares down at his feet hanging in the air. 

 

“Was it-” he breaks off. “It wasn’t me. It was Arzaylea. If I had seen it I would have…” again, he stops talking because he thinks to himself:  _ would he have picked up?  _ Probably not. He would have seen the caller ID and panicked because it seems that that is their relationship now. 

 

Michael suddenly looks back up, his head snapping up quickly and he looks at Luke in such a swift movement that Luke almost falls off the stage, taken by surprise. 

 

“Why was she on your phone?”

 

“Uh…”  _ I don’t know, I was pretty pissed off too, believe me.  _ “She was making an urgent call.”

 

He doesn’t even know why he lied. It’s just easier. 

 

“Does she not even give you any privacy?”

 

_ Nope.  _ But Luke gets defensive, he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know why he does anything these days, but Michael is looking at him with wild concern and suddenly Luke is annoyed. Michael hasn’t been speaking to him (even though it’s not like Luke has been speaking to him) and they’ve been hurting each other non stop and suddenly Michael is acting like he has a right to be concerned about the younger boy. 

 

“Oh yeah, she borrowed my phone, somebody call the police.” He says, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

 

“Luke I’m serious, are you even happy with her?” Michael asks and he sounds like he is just curious but also… he sounds  _ desperate _ . Luke gets pissed off all of a sudden, more so than he already was anyway. Michael made him miserable, Michael started all of this, Luke won’t be made to feel bad for trying to move on. Surely it’s better to have a real girlfriend than to just be sleeping around with random strangers, anyway? 

 

“Michael.” He says with a sharpness, “Don’t try to ruin things with me and my girlfriend. Of course I’m happy with her, why else would I be with her? I don’t stick around for people who- who hurt me and make me sad.”

 

_ I hurt him too,  _ Luke thinks to himself, but he shakes that thought off. 

 

“Luke, I’m just wondering because you don’t-”

 

“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t think or feel. You have no right to interfere in my life.”

 

Michael says nothing for a while. He sits in stunned silence and they are both staring at each other. They can’t even have one conversation without it turning into something else, a fight or an argument or just a shitstorm of sadness swarming over them. Then he laughs flatly and jumps down off the stage. It sounds bitter and emotionless, he sounds so  _ drained _ . It hurts to hear, and Luke wants to call him back, he wants to apologise, he wants to admit that he really  _ isn’t  _ happy with Arzaylea but… he doesn’t. 

 

Michael turns around quickly and says, “For the record, it wasn’t me calling. Calum was borrowing my phone.”

 

Sitting down on a chair on the other side of the room, Michael pulls his guitar up onto his lap and starts to play something quietly. 

  
_ For fucks sake, Luke,  _ the blue eyed boy thinks to himself,  _ always fucking everything up, as usual.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :-)


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I'm sorry, this chapter is really bad too. Hopefully it'll start to pick up soon.

 

There is too much tension in the band. Sure, they’re all so happy to be going on tour in three days, Michael has been keeping sober and not getting angry at anyone, there have been no fights but… Ashton still seems pissed off at him. He has no idea what that is about, nobody does really - it can’t be  _ just  _ because Mikey hit Cal, surely? Calum seems to have forgiven him. 

 

Michael and Luke don’t talk still. They sing together just fine, they play together and it still sounds good, they merge well… but they don’t exchange words. Luke is pissed off that Ashton is being so harsh towards Michael yet he won’t say anything, he can’t really, because he is being harsh too. But even if he doesn’t want to let himself get too close to him again, that’s because he doesn’t want to get hurt, but seeing Michael so alone… it makes him sad. It makes him feel like a coward. 

  
  


They’re having their second to last rehearsal, adding the finishing touches to the set list. 

 

“Where’s Luke?” Calum asks, clearly directing the question to Ashton because there’s no way Michael would have any idea. 

 

Ashton glances up from the notebook in front of them, mouth open as he is about to answer when the door opens and Luke comes in… closely followed by Arzaylea. Michael feels his heart begin to race, but not in a nice, sensational way. In a  _ I’m-about-to-have-a-heart-attack-and-I-feel-like-I’m-about-to-die _ way.  

 

“Oh.” Calum says flatly, “Nevermind.”

 

Meeting the eyes of his bandmates, Luke let’s his hand drop from where it was being held onto by his new girlfriend and Michael feels the sudden urge to gag because he feels like he’s swallowed somebody else’s disgusting bile. It’s bad enough that Luke is dating somebody else, that he has a girlfriend and it’s all over Twitter and Instagram too because the fans don’t shut up about it but now she’s even there for  _ band rehearsal _ ?

 

“Hi.” Luke says, “Uh… Arzaylea wanted to come.”

 

Honestly, the youngest boy doesn’t sound too happy about that fact. He moves away from Arzaylea almost instantly and crosses the room to join the others, pointedly looking down at his feet and ignoring their stares. None of them ever bring girlfriend’s with them to band practice, it’s just never done. It’s the time that they spend together as a four-piece, writing and singing and playing. At least nobody seems to see like her, Michael thinks to himself. There are reasons for him not liking her other than the fact that he is selfish and if he can’t have something, he doesn’t want anybody else to. Following Luke over, Arzaylea ignores the chair that is there and sits down on Luke’s lap and Michael  _ swears  _ she looks directly at him as she does so, taunting him. 

 

“I hope you don’t mind.” She says with a forced smile, “I just want to spend as much time with him as possible before tour.” She leans back into his chest and looks up at him with a stupid doe eyed look in her eyes. Luke just looks uncomfortable, to say the least. 

 

Mikey can’t help it, he keeps his eyes fixed to Luke. He is silently  _ begging  _ for the blue eyed boy to look at him, hoping that he can just find some proof there that Luke really doesn’t like this girl. She likes Michael. He  _ has  _ to… 

 

“Of course we don’t mind.” Ashton says in a monotone voice, “Uh… we’re just deciding on a set list.” 

 

They all turn their attention to the piece of paper they’ve been scribbling on. All but Michael. He watches as Arzaylea strokes her fingers through Luke’s hair and he tugs away, and Mikey knows it’s because she’s just not doing it right. She’s not doing it gently enough, she’s really just messing up his hair. He watches as she leans in to whisper into his ear and he quietly shushes her and tells her he is trying to focus. He watches as Arzaylea pouts her lips in a childish way and folds her arms like a toddler having a tantrum. All that he can really think about is how unhappy Luke looks with her but… for some reason, he  _ is  _ with her. 

 

“Mikey?” 

 

Flinching slightly as he is jogged out of his short trance, Michael glances to Calum. 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What do you think?” Calum asks, and then frowns slightly as he prompts, “Money or She looks so perfect?”

 

“Both.” Michael replies instantly, “ _ Duh,  _ guys.”

 

They get back to work properly and somehow manages to keep focused, even if he is all too aware of how close Luke and his ‘girlfriend’ are sitting to him. Once they’ve finalised the set list, they all stand up and make their way over to their places, picking up their guitars or sitting down at the drum kit for Ashton. Strumming lightly at the strings, Michael watches from the corner of his eye. Luke is having a whispered conversation with Arzaylea - an  _ angrily  _ whispered conversation. 

 

“ _ I wanted to spend time with you, Luke.”  _ she is snapping, Michael can hear as he strains slightly. 

 

“ _ Arzaylea, it’s fucking  _ band  _ practice, I can’t have you holding my hand as I play!”  _

 

_ “I don’t want to leave you!” _

 

_ “Jesus Christ, I’m not a child!” _

 

Michael feels slightly sick as he watches the girl change her face suddenly - putting on the act of a stroppy kid, it seems to just be her neutral expression to be honest. She glances down at the floor and part of Luke looks like he wants to tell her to get the fuck out of there and never come back but then she looks like she is fucking  _ crying _ . With a face like sour milk, Luke rigidly puts his arms around her. She leans her head into his chest and closes her eyes and Luke… he stares solidly at the wall, completely motionless. He doesn’t smell her hair, he doesn’t rub small circles on her back, he doesn’t place a kiss to her forehead, he doesn’t tell her he loves her. He looks robotic, like he’s completely under her control. If she does something, he will respond in the way she wants, there’ll just be no  _ feelings  _ involved. 

 

“Michael.” Calum says softly, suddenly he is standing at the older boy’s side, “You’re pining.  _ Stop _ .” He’s not saying it in a harsh way. The words are gentle and worried, like he’s just scared that Mikey is going to get himself hurt.

 

It’s too late for that, he’s already hurt. 

 

Michael is about to say something in response when he freezes on the spot for a second because suddenly Luke is coming towards them and that’s never a good sign these days. It’s always the start of an argument or the start of a jagged pain in Michael’s chest. It’s even worse when Luke is accompanied by his clingy, bitchy girlfriend who Michael despises. 

 

“Uh… guys, I hate to do this to you but-” Luke starts, but then he breaks off uncertainly and runs a hand through his hair, making it stand on end. 

 

Ashton halts his drumming, he was warming up slightly, and gets down from the small platform, coming down to stand beside Cal. 

 

“I’m going to have to make a move.”

 

“What?” Calum echoes with a frown, “You can’t be serious. We start tour in  _ three days _ .”

 

Shifting uncomfortably, Luke’s eyes dart around looking at anywhere but his band mates. “I know, I’m sorry but Arzaylea isn’t feeling well-”

 

“She can get a cab.” 

 

It seems to take them all a moment to realise that it was Michael who spoke. He’s barely spoken all day, yet alone to Luke. He sounds bitter and like there is a layer of venom coating his tongue because he fucking hates this girl. She’s got Luke wrapped around her fake nailed finger and he will literally do whatever she says even though he doesn’t even  _ love  _ her. Hell, he doesn’t seem to even  _ like  _ her the slightest bit. He meets Arzaylea’s gaze and glares back with an equal amount of daggers as she is shooting. 

 

“Uh… I’d really rather go with her.” 

 

_ No you wouldn’t,  _ Michael wants to say,  _ you sound like that’s the last thing you want to do and you’re only doing it because she is digging her claws into your wrists _ . 

 

“Luke…” Ashton says slowly, “We need to practice.”

 

“There are two other days until we fly to Osaka.” Luke says flatly. 

 

“I’m really sorry to be doing this.” Arzaylea says, “I mean, I  _ could  _ get a cab if…”

 

“No.” Luke finishes for her, and for the first time all day, his eyes latch onto Michael’s. Blue and frosty and cold and he knows it, he knows that this is killing the other boy. The fact that he brought his girlfriend here and is holding her hand, the fact that she is ‘sick’ and he is going to look after her, the fact that he knows that this is all so painful for Mikey and he doesn’t even care. 

 

“Alright.” Ash relents with a sigh. 

 

Michael watches him go. He’s kind of mad, why is Luke suddenly being so selfish?  _ He’s  _ the one who left Michael after the blue haired boy confessed his love, he’s the one who then promised to make it up to him but then left and just didn’t come back. He knows himself that he is being stupid though because there is no use to blaming one another. 

 

Even though Luke isn’t there, the three of them try to cope as best as they can, but they can’t even perform half of the songs properly because none of them even know Luke’s parts to the song. They’re taking a break and Michael just feels uncomfortable. Even if Calum is being kind of nice to him, there is so much  _ tension  _ between them all. Ashton still seems pissed off and it does kind of hurt. Usually, their drummer is the kindest of them all, the calmest, the most understanding but suddenly… it just seems like he  _ hates  _ Michael. Still, ever since Luke left the thought has been bugging Michael and he really has to say something to them. 

 

“I don’t think Luke is happy.” He says, breaking an awkward silence. 

 

The other two boys look over at him with mild interest but then Ashton narrows his eyes. 

 

“Of course you don’t.” He says harshly, “You only think he is happy when he is tearing himself to shreds because you hurt him.”

 

Calum jerks his head to look at his boyfriend.  _ “Ash.”  _ He chides lowly. 

 

Ignoring that comment, Michael continues. “Araylea went on his phone and Luke doesn’t seem to love her, he looks miserable with her and I really don’t think that she is good for him.” 

 

“OH she went on his phone!” Ashton says, and his voice is dripping with sarcasm as he exaggeratedly nods his head. “Somebody call the relationship police!”

 

Michael could ignore that too but he doesn’t want to. He is sick of feeling alone, he’s been seeing Evan at night but for the days of rehearsal, he has been miserable and out of place because for some reason Ashton is holding some sort of grudge against him. He doesn’t want to be alone anymore. He wants to go on tour and be happy and at peace with his band. He wants his  _ friends  _ back. 

  
  


“What is your problem?” He says, getting to his feet. 

 

“ _ You  _ are my problem!” Ashton explodes, and he jumps to his feet too and storms across the room, so that he standing right up close to Michael, and he shakes Calum’s hold on his hand off. “You’re trying to fuck things up for all of us! You’re the one who is causing everything, you’re the one making the whole fucking band crumble! You broke Luke’s heart, Mike, you’re the one that let him feel like shit for weeks and weeks and that’s what started all of this nonsense. The band has been… well, not even a band for so long and it is all  _ your  _ fault. Let Luke be happy for  _ once _ .”

 

Michael is stunned. Ashton is never so harsh and those words… well, they hurt. Glancing down to his feet and then back up to the older boy, he asks in a quiet voice, “Why are you so angry at me? Why are you blaming it all on me?” 

 

“Because if  _ you  _ hadn’t started up your weird friends with benefits relationship with Luke, if  _ you  _ hadn’t let him fall in love with you and then if  _ you  _ hadn’t told him that you were just using him for the sake of it, he never would have got depressed. That’s the root of all this, that’s why we are so _ broken.  _ You hurt Luke and then you started drinking yourself away and you hurt  _ Cal.  _ He might forgive you for that, but I most certainly don’t.”

 

“Ash,” Cal says softly, pleading, “Stop-”

 

“I blame you, Michael,” Ashton says, ignoring his boyfriend’s whimpers behind him, “Because the blame is all yours. Just let Luke be happy for once, if you want to be lonely and miserable, that’s  _ fine _ . But I’m not going to let you drag anyone else down with you. I’m not going to let you crush our dream.” 

 

And then he is gone. 

 

Michael is suddenly on the floor, in a ball, his head on his knees as he cries. He cries and cries and cries. Calum doesn’t say anything - he squeezes Michael’s shoulder in what he probably thinks is a reassuring fashion and then he chases after Ash.

 

Alone again. Michael lets himself cry because now that he has started, he can’t stop. He doesn’t know where all that came from. He was just saying how Luke is clearly unhappy and somehow that means  _ he  _ is the one causing the unhappiness. He’ll always be alone. Cal and Ash will always be together and now Luke has fucking Arzayela. Maybe it is all his own fault. 

 

When he gets home, he’s in the kitchen getting a drink, about to pop the ring of a can of soda when his eyes flick over to a six pack of beers on the counter. He considers it. He’s been feeling like a mixture of misery and then just  _ nothing  _ for ages now and if he could just have something to numb the pain… his phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it out, reading the text. 

 

_ From: Evan  _

 

_ You coming over tonight? X _

 

Considering it, Michael looks from the phone and then to the beer and back again. But… he can’t. He promised Calum. He said he would stop and he did. Even if he is feeling lonely and he knows now that he will continue to do so even on tour, he won’t let himself drink another drop of alcohol until he knows that he will be able to hold off. He doesn’t want to get back into the rhythm of drinking every single day. The fans don’t deserve it.  _ He  _ doesn’t deserve it. Shaking his head, he goes over to the glass double doors and out into the garden, where he strips down naked and jumps into the pool. It’s a good distraction, swimming through the water beneath the moon and the stars. Floating on his back, he looks up at them. 

 

_ The atmosphere is so big,  _ he thinks to himself,  _ there is so much out there. So many stars and so many planets and so many other lonely floating souls but… it feels like I am the only one. I’m never going to be happy again.  _

  
  



	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda short buuut, I've taken a break from writing over the last couple of days so now I feel in the right mindset and the chapters will definitely be improving from now on. 
> 
> I hope you had a good Easter if you celebrate ^-^

 

Tour starts tomorrow. Luke is slightly nervous - obviously he is excited to be travelling to new places and doing what he enjoys most in the world but recently, any activity with the band is just awkward and filled with way too much tension, uncomfortableness soaks up the entire atmosphere. Then he realises that he is kissing Araylea right now and he should not be worrying about his relationship with the band, and he tries,  _ really tries,  _ to get into it because she is clearly trying to rip his clothes off but he is just not in the mood. Lifting his hands, he tries to pull her fingers away from where they are fiddling with the buttons of his shirt, but she frowns. 

 

“ _ Lukey, _ ” she whimpers and the petname makes the blonde boy shudder because that is what  _ Michael  _ calls him. “This is the last night I’m going to see you for almost two months. The least you could do is-”

 

“Alright.” He agrees tiredly, cutting her off before she goes on a rant.

 

With slow movements, he assists her in taking off his clothes and then he helps her to wriggle out of the black dress she is wearing, letting it fall to the floor. He lets his eyes roam over her body. He really wishes he could feel something, and he  _ does  _ think she is attractive but he is starting to think he is lying to himself about more than just  _ who  _ he is with. Maybe he’s not so bisexual and rather one hundred percent gay. Or maybe he just really doesn’t want to be with her. He just wishes she was him. The sex is dragged out. Not because they are trying to see how long they can hold themselves or anything, not like a teasing game that he used to play with  _ him,  _ but because… he just can’t get hard. She doesn’t seem to care though. Kissing his lips, she pushes him lightly on the chest and he stumbles backward to fall down onto the couch and then she is on her knees in front of him, her hand working it’s magic on Luke’s dick. That at least seems to be working, if he tilts his head back to the right angle then he can barely see her face and it’s easier to imagine that it is Michael. As all these thoughts are flowing through his head he does feel a  _ little  _ guilty - he is with her and therefore should not be fantasising about her being somebody else but he rolls with it anyway. When he is hard enough they make their way to the bedroom and she lies back on the bed. He positions himself by her entrance between her legs, and when he starts thrusting into her, he lowers his body slightly and clings onto the sheets of the bed, she loops her ankles over his shoulders. So close, he can breathe in the scent of her spicy perfume and he can smell the florally conditioner she uses. He doesn’t  _ hate  _ it. It’s a good release but it’s just not the same. He doesn’t even like being on top, he likes it when he is the one being pounded into. Closing his eyes, he tries to gulp away the guilty lump in his throat but it doesn’t work. When his seed fills her and she moans, he pulls out and flops down onto the bed beside her. It’s like they were at two completely different events, he just feels bored and tired and she is panting with exhaustion. 

 

“I’m going to miss that.” Arzaylea says with a smile, turning her head to look at him. 

 

“...Yeah.” He agrees, maybe pausing a moment too long before responding. “Me too.”

 

They are quiet for a while but then her long fingers stroke at the soft but stubbly skin of his cheek, and she turns his head to face her, their eyes meeting. Suddenly her brown eyes are narrowed and cold and she speaks with a sudden forceful determination. 

 

“I want you to swear that you won’t let yourself get too close to Michael.” 

 

“What?” He echoes with a front, and he goes to sit up because he doesn’t like her frosty tone, but she quickly pushes him back down against the pillows and she straddles his hips, smiling sweetly and leaning forward to place a kiss on his nose and then she speaks normally again. “It’s for both of our own good.” She insists.

 

“Well… Arz, I can’t really help if it we get a room next door to one another or if we are sat together in an interview. I don’t really-”

 

“That’s not what I mean. I mean… don’t let him try and reel you back in. If you get too close then you might get addicted again, you know? If you stay away, you won’t have all those complicated feelings again and  _ I  _ will be able to trust that I’m not losing you.”

 

“You won’t lose me if I at least try and rebuild my relationship with the band. Not that kind of relationship like with Mikey,  _ Michael,  _ but… we are so far apart right now and it’s destroying us.” 

 

She stops him mid-sentence by placing a finger to his lips. “I need to know the boy I love is my own. And I just don’t want you getting hurt again, that’s all.” 

 

He doesn’t say anything, but he breaks eye contact with her and looks down at the bed, not really sure what else  _ to  _ say. How does he respond to that? He doesn’t love her and that makes him feel bad because she  _ does  _ care about him… she doesn’t want him getting hurt. 

 

_ “Promise me.”  _ She pleads in a low whisper.

 

Luke thinks of their last tour. He and Michael had so much fun, exploring the sights and hanging out and taking lame tourist photos. One of the best things about touring is just living on the road with the three people he loves the most but so much has changed. Maybe she is right. If he gets too close… Michael will just hurt him all over again.

 

“I promise.” 

 

They seal the deal with a kiss. 

 

____________________________________ 

 

Michael pulls roughly out of the blonde man beneath him and smiles in pleasure at the low, grunting moan that escapes Evan’s lips. He crashes down onto the bed beside him, both of them hot and panting, their skin sweaty. 

 

“Now  _ that, _ ” Michael breathes out with a grin, “Is something I will miss.”

 

“You and me both, my friend.” Evan agrees, and they both stare up at the ceiling as they inhale and exhale deeply in a rhythmic motion.

 

Rolling onto his side, Michael studies the face of the boy beside him. He looks so much like Luke it’s unbelievable, not a very good way of a rebound. Every single time he watches Evan do anything, he loses himself and almost thinks that it’s Luke. He gets so close to pretending that none of the past however many months of pain never happened. That makes him think. It’s been just over a year since that first night in London, he realises with a thudding pain in his chest. Where did it all go wrong? As if he can feel the green eyed stare on him, Evan turns his head slightly to meet Michael’s gaze.  

 

“Why are you staring at me?”

 

“Just thinking.” The blue haired boy mumbles, and he nuzzles his face into the pillow beneath his head, closing his eyes. When he opens them again, Evan is still watching him with concern so he sighs and tries to think of something else to focus on. 

 

“I don’t even want to go on tour.” 

 

“I don’t believe that. You’ve been looking forward to this for weeks.” 

 

Rising up to sit with his back against the headboard, he pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them so that he looks like a hedgehog trying to hide from everyone. “I’ve been trying to hype it up,” he admits, “Trying to  _ force  _ myself to be excited but I know at the end of the day that it is just going to be weeks and weeks of staying in hotels with people who seem to hate my guts. I’m just going to be miserable. I can’t even party all the pain away.” 

 

Evan laughs softly, “They don’t hate you, Mikey. They  _ love  _ you. You’re a band, you stick together. Even if you and Luke don’t have a particularly… good… relationship right now, you have Ashton and Calum.” 

 

Michael makes a face, grimacing pointedly. 

 

“Okay, you have  _ Calum _ .”

 

Keeping his lips pressed together, Michael tries to think positively about it all. Tomorrow morning he is going to be flying to  _ Osaka,  _ how exciting! It doesn’t work though. It just makes him nervous. He’s going to be in a brand new place that he has never been to before in his life and he won’t have anyone to share it with. Not really. 

 

“Why can’t  _ you  _ come with me?” He pouts, “I’m probably not gonna be able to fuck everyone until we are back for the mini break before going to the UK.” 

 

“It’s good to know I’m good for something.” Evan replies with a chuckle. 

 

Sighing loudly, Michael leans his head to the side slightly and pretendings to be examining the other man closely. “ _ Maybe  _ you’re good for smoking with too.” It’s a lame attempt at humour and it doesn’t do the job of cheering him up at all, his face falls and he presses his forehead into his legs, hiding his face. 

 

Evan adjusts himself so that he can pull Michael into him, stroking a hand in circles across his back as they hug. Michael finds himself able to ease into it, relaxing ever so slightly. Once they break apart, Evan tries for a grin. 

 

“Come on. You’ll have loads of fun. You will meet fans and do fun interviews - preferably whilst sober - and you will be playing live on stage to thousands of people.”

 

Michael groans but he relents slightly, “I suppose.” 

 

“And hey,” Evan continues, clapping the younger boy on the shoulder, “If it gets really horrible, you can call me. Maybe I can send you some photos of my fit bod.” 

 

Michael laughs, but he is only half joking when he says, “Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with  _ you _ ?” 

  
Evan laughs too, ruffling a hand through Michael’s electric blue hair like he is a puppy or something. “Easy, tiger.”


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of angsty... sorry about that.  
> *I know that they have already been to Japan. Just for the purpose of this story, this is their first time in Osaka. Just wanted to clear that up ^-^

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Michael mutters.

 

Calum and Ashton have filed into two seats and the remaining two are on the opposite side of the plane… and together. He casts a sideways look to Luke who is standing beside him and the younger boy doesn’t look that happy about it either. Neither of them say anything though, that will just result in Cal and Ash being unable to sit together which isn’t really fair. Silently, they make their way over to the seats and Luke takes the window one, resting his head against the glass and staring out of it intently. Sitting down beside him, Michael tries to compose himself. He’s not been feeling at all good this morning, every single thing has made him feel like tearing up. They are quiet for a very long time. The stewards give their little talks from the front of the plane and then they lift off. It’s a twelve hour flight and Michael doesn’t know if he is going to be able to handle it, Luke is focusing so hard on looking anywhere but at him. The silence is too much, and maybe he is being a bit too optimistic but Mikey is hit with a strike of hope, maybe they can have a civilised conversation for once. There’s something that he has been wondering about since he saw it a couple of days ago, he’s been worrying about Luke, wanting to know how he is. 

 

“Hey.” He says nervously, cringing at the shake to his voice. 

 

Luke looks at him, blinking his wide eyes.  _ Well,  _ Michael thinks to himself,  _ at least he didn’t spit in my face.  _

 

“I, uh… I saw something on Twitter. Erm, about everyone hating on Arzaylea. There was like, some hate account. I was… I was wondering if you were okay.” 

 

Luke doesn’t say anything which was kind of expected, but he jerks his head back to look at the older boy again and he looks confused. He looks like he has a conflict in his mind… like he really wants to say something, but he doesn’t know what. Those big blue eyes are filled with what looks like pain but also anguish, uncertainty, misery. Offering a tiny, shaky smile, Michael wonders if maybe they can start to end all of this. Maybe… 

 

“Just fuck off, Michael.” Luke snaps, and the words make the blue haired boy recoil slightly, he shies back into his seat. “It’s obvious you don’t care, so don’t try and  _ pretend  _ to. So just don’t talk to me.” 

 

“Of course I care.” Michael whispers, and his heart begins to race because the last time he said anything honest to Luke… well, it never ended well. “Why else would I mention it?”

 

“I don’t know. To rub it in? That the fans hate my relationship as much as you do? That- that I don’t have any chance of happiness whatsoever and that I should just be fucking alone forever?”

 

A tiny gasp escapes Michael’s lips before he can help it, he doesn’t know what to say. He just wanted everything to be okay again. 

 

“I never-”

 

“Fuck off.” Luke repeats, and then he reaches into his pocket and pulls out some earphones, plugging them into his phone and stuffing them vigorously into his ears. 

 

Michael wonders why he didn’t put them in right away, why he didn’t immediately block Michael out. That was one of the things that made him believe maybe Luke actually  _ wanted  _ to talk to him. He doesn’t know if he will be able to handle twelve hours stuck on this plane, he already feels like he is about to start hyperventilating or something. He barely got any sleep and he doesn’t think he’s going to be able to get any on this flight, or at least not much. Not with Luke right beside him. Blinking back the tears stinging at the corners of his eyes, he rests his head back against the chair and tries to keep his eyes closed. He doesn’t get any sleep but somehow having the darkness blocking his eyesight makes him feel slightly better, and he takes deep and heavy breaths. After a while, he lets them fall open again and the light is almost blinding. He didn’t even realise the plane had lifted off, and they’ve been in the air for quite a long time now, he was just blocking the whole world out as best as possible. Glancing down at Luke’s arm on the armrest of his seat, Michael lets himself imagine that his fingers are laced through the younger boy’s, their hands twined together. That’s always a comfort to him… secretly, Michael  _ despises  _ flying. He doesn’t like the heights and he always feels slightly sick, being so far up above the ground, above the world. It’s like they are in a whole nother place. He’s still feeling the same pain as before though. 

 

Later on, he looks over to where Cal and Ashton are sitting and he feels his heart start to ache all over again. Ashton has his head leaning on Calum’s shoulder, his eyes slowly closing as he drifts off to sleep, both of them have an earphone in one ear, listening to the same songs. Their hands are locked together , and Calum is smiling and laughing softly at something Ash just said. He feels a pang of jealousy. He just  _ wishes  _ that were him. Him and Luke. 

 

Eventually the plane comes into land after a very long, boring and uncomfortable journey mingled in with a nice hearty dash of pain searing through Michael’s chest. He breathes a sigh of relief when they are loading off, and he moves over to walk closer to Calum. The younger boy’s brown hair is in a tangled mess and he is blinking sleepily, the light from the moon shining up above reflecting off of his face. Ashton clearly slept too, as did Luke. Michael realises that with a strange sinking feeling, and he knows that is stupid because it’s not like he is intentionally being left out because it is  _ sleeping  _ for God’s sake, but he just misses sleep. It’s such a simple thing but he found it so impossible to get a blink of a nap for the entire journey despite his exhaustion, and he is sick of it. He sleeps better when he is with Luke. Along with that, the other three boys are all making excited conversation. 

 

“We’re in Osaka!” 

“Can you believe it?”

“We’re finally here!”

“I’m so fucking happy right now it is unbelievable.”

 

When Michael stays quiet, Calum nudges him lightly and sends him a small smile. He tries to return it but it’s a struggle. Guarded by some security, the band make their way through the airport. Michael is just waiting for that buzz of thrilling excitement to shock through him, he remembers the first time he’s been to countries in the past and how  _ excited  _ he was. Now… it’s all muted. He feels homesick and he doesn’t even know where home is anymore. 

 

He should have expected it judging by the security guards that came to meet them, and just the fact that they are now ‘famous’ but when his eyes skim over to the small crowd of fans waiting for them, he can’t help but do a double take. There’s so many people there, and they are all so happy to see them, and all he feels is nervous. Not that he is scared of the fans or anything, they have the most amazing fans ever, but just because he feels like they all hate him. He’s let them down, by the drugs and the drink and ending up in  _ hospital,  _ he thinks back to all those tweets he got and wonders if these are the people who were so disappointed in him.

 

“They’re here!” A teenage girl trills, pointing to the boys. Sometimes they aren’t even allowed to stop and interact with them but here they are given a few moments to say hello. Ashton leads the way over and he is immediately met with a girl rushing to hug him. Splitting up to make sure everybody gets an equal chance at meeting at least one of the members, Michael is left surrounded by a small circle of people asking for photos and autographs, a few members of the press seem to have got in and they have their cameras on the blue haired boy. He makes conversation with them, asks how long they’ve been waiting, thanks them, says how happy he is to be there at last. Every single word that falls from his lips feels like a toxic lie, the way in which he says everything just seems so empty. He forces smiles for photos but then they are told they have to get a move on. They all apologise for the fact that they can’t stay longer, but Michael feels like he is the only one who is actually  _ not  _ sorry. He feels terrible, he just wants to get home. 

 

They’ve all been looking forward to be able to meet their fans in Osaka at last for so long and now he is just miserable. He doesn’t want to feel sorry for himself though, he is the one that he blames. He’s the one putting himself into a bad mood, he is the one who is pushing everyone away and now he can’t even force himself to be grateful to be here. Once they are in the car and driving to the hotel, Calum makes a quiet effort to make sure he gets to sit next to Michael. Ashton pouts and Cal knocks his foot against the older boy’s, and then gives him a look and an exaggerated look at Michael. That just makes Mikey feel worse, he’s taking Calum away from Ashton, he’s making everyone unhappy. He definitely notices as Ashton scowls at him with slightly narrowed eyes, and then when Luke tries to make conversation with the oldest boy, the latter just turns and looks out the window. Even though he wishes it wasn’t happening, Michael is kind of glad that he isn’t the only one Ash seems to be pissed off with. 

 

“Are you okay?” Calum asks in a gentle voice, nudging Michael again. “Did something happen with Luke?” 

 

“I’m fine.” Michael lies easily and he smiles, a strained smile, but a smile. “I… I’m just tired.” 

 

“You didn’t sleep on the plane?”

 

He shakes his head, and looks down at his knees and he shifts uncomfortably because he can feel Luke’s blue eyes on him watching him closely. Probably because he spent the majority of the flight pretending to be asleep, squeezing his eyes shut and tilting his head back slightly. He remembers a time when Luke would sing him to sleep when his insomnia was really bad, and he wonders if that is what Luke is thinking about too. When they get to the hotel, Michael can’t bring himself to appreciate it, even though it is a really nice one. He just wants to go straight to bed, he wants to bury his head under the covers and never have to think again. It’s when they are going up to their rooms that they realise there are only two. One for Calum and Ash, one for Luke and Michael, one of the members of their team, Natalie, instructs. They all hesitate, even Ashton. 

 

“Do you want me to go with you, Mikey?” Cal offers kindly, even though he doesn’t seem to want to. 

 

Ashton doesn’t say anything, neither do Luke or Michael, but Ashton tangles his fingers through his boyfriend’s and says something with his eyes, and it’s pretty easy that he basically means  _ I thought we were going to be having sex.  _ Michael cringes, he can’t stop ruining things for everyone else. 

 

“No, you stay with Ashton.” He says firmly, as firmly as he can when his voice is small and quiet and fading. 

 

Placing his hand on the doorknob, Luke pushes the door open and enters the room, Michael has no choice but to follow. Surprise surprise, it’s only one bed. Granted, it is a huge bed and it looks really comfortable and Michael would happily sink down onto it without having to change, but he and Luke just stand rigidly still. Maybe it’ll be like in those movies where they end up sleeping together or something, and it will cut the tension and  _ voila,  _ it’s all sorted. Back to normal. Unfortunately, they are not in some teen movie. Luke looks at Natalie, who raises her eyebrows. 

 

“Problem?” She asks. 

 

Running a hand through his blonde hair tiredly, Luke looks like he’s just going to deal with it but of course not. He goes to shake his head but then his face folds into a frown, “Uh… this room is a bit stuffy.”

 

“Open a window?” She suggests, not in a harsh way but kind of exasperated.

 

“...And… I feel kind of sick. I don’t want to like, vomit on Mikey -  _ Michael  _ or anything.”

 

He’s gotten so into the habit of that. Calling him  _ Mikey  _ and then correcting it, because they are no longer close enough to even have nicknames. That never fails to stab Michael deeper in the back. Natalie looks thoughtful, and the Michael stands awkwardly, not really sure what to do. He wants to go home. He wants to go to Evan. No, what he really wants is to go to bed. He wants Luke to go too and he wants to cuddle him and breathe in the scent of his cologne and shampoo and he wants to wake up feeling refreshed for once. 

 

“Um… I could see if there is another room available?” Natalie suggests, though she doesn’t sound eager. 

 

“Yes please.” Luke says automatically.

 

“...Okay.” 

  
Michael is so relieved when they are finally gone that he draws out a deep sigh before flopping forward face down onto the bed. He lies there for a while, breathing  _ in  _ and  _ out  _ because he does not feel good. He feels like he is about to break down in tears or burst into raging flames, neither of which would be good. His breathing calms down slightly and he turns his head, his eyes falling on the minibar. He considers it. Thinks about how with the burning alcohol in his veins, he will be able to get in a good mood. He will feel a lot happier and he will go out, partying through the town, exploring the new place. But it wouldn’t really be  _ him _ . It would be his drunken alter-ego who hurts people, who hits his best friends. And even if Ashton is pissed off at him, he promised both Cal and Ash that he would try and be better. Doing his best to keep his attention on anything but the minibar, he crosses to where his suitcase is, strips down to his boxers and then pulls on some sweatpants to wear in bed. Then he ruffles through everything inside of it and right at the bottom, his hands find the familiar fabric of Luke’s black jumper. Cuddling it into him, he goes and lies down on the bed, inhaling the scent of the one person he wants the most in the world, who he will never truly have. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More dramatic stuff is due to happen soon I swear!


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is also very angsty, I'm sorry. I think that's why I've been updating less frequently, I just hate writing my baby Mikey like this D:

When Michael wakes up the next morning (more like afternoon) he feels kind of refreshed. He got a decent amount of sleep and he has nothing to do until a bit later when the show starts and he is actually beginning to feel kind of excited about exploring. Stretching his arms so high that his shirt is lifted to reveal his stomach, he gets up out of the bed and tries to tame his unruly blue tufts of hair to no avail. He’s hopeful that maybe his considerably bad mood from the night before is completely gone and that he was just tired, because this is his first time in Osaka, where he has wanted to be  _ forever _ and he really really wants to enjoy it. Leaving his hotel room, he goes to the room next door that Calum and Ashton are sharing and he knocks lightly on the door. There is a delay in them answering and for a second he worries that he interrupted them having sex or something (and he is also a little jealous of that thought) but Calum is opening the door a moment later, fully clothed and with neat hair, thank God. 

 

“Hey Mikey.” He greets his friend with a grin, “How are you doing?” He steps aside to allow the older boy in, and sits down on the edge of the bed. 

 

“Hi.” Michael says, “I’m good, I think.” 

 

“Are you sure? How was sharing a room with-”

 

“We didn’t share.” Michael cuts him off quickly, because he doesn’t want to remember any of the pain he felt last night when Luke went to so much effort to avoid being in the same room as him for any longer than necessary. “He, uh, said the room was too small.” 

 

Frowning up at Michael, Calum combs a hand through his hair thoughtfully, but then he is clearly making a strong effort to be bright and cheerful. He gets to his feet again and claps the blue haired boy on the shoulder. 

 

“How fucking great is this, man?” He asks, changing the subject. “Fucking  _ Osaka _ .”

 

Michael opens his mouth to answer but then Ashton emerges from the bathroom in nothing but a towel tied around his hips, and Michael feels like he is invading a private moment when he sees how  _ in love _ Cal looks. His eyes roam across the oldest boy’s bare torso for a moment but then he gazes up to his eyes, and they exchange the sweetest little smile and gooey eyed look. Clearly being in Osaka has put them all in different moods… Michael feels lonely and confused about everything and suddenly he feels exhausted again even after the good sleep, and Ashton looks considerably brighter than he has done in the presence of Michael over the past few weeks. He grins brightly and goes over to his suitcase, pulling out a black T-shirt and some jeans. 

 

“Hey Mikey!” He says, “Did you sleep well?”

 

The sudden friendliness being shot at him by Ash who has seemed so angry at him all the time takes him by surprise, and all he can do is nod blankly. 

 

“Where’s Lu-”

 

“He’s probably sleeping in his  _ own  _ room.” Calum says, hinting very obviously, but Michael is grateful for his friends save nonetheless. 

 

For a moment Ashton continues to look curious but then he seems to realise what Calum is trying to convey because he nods his head and looks around the room, eyes darting. It’s so  _ awkward _ . 

 

“I’m just gonna change.” Ashton mutters, gesturing to the bathroom and disappearing back into there. 

 

Glancing back at Michael, Cal forces another smile. “So what are you doing today?”

 

It takes a long second for Michael to even realise he is being spoken to because just for a little bit he was wondering how it would feel to have Luke looking at him the way Calum looks at Ashton. He’s so bitter it’s unbelievable. 

 

“Right.” He says with a nod as if he is confirming something. 

 

“Um… what are you doing today?” Calum repeats with a frown, and the other boy doesn’t even seem to realise the mistake he just made. His thoughts are all over the place.

 

“I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out? Like we could go the castle or that Buddhist temple or-”

 

“Oh.” Calum stops him a bit too fast, “Sorry. It’s just… me and Ash had sorta planned like, a date.” 

 

“OH.” Michael says, slapping his palm to his forehead, “ _ Duh.  _ Sorry.”

 

“No, no, I mean… you can come? If you-”

 

That does not sound fun. If Michael can’t handle being in a room with the two lovebirds without feeling an intense jealousy that makes his thoughts fly away completely, he doesn’t really want to spend a day of sightseeing with the two of them. It’s not like they can act extremely couple-like seeing as they are in public and their relationship is the opposite of public but there would still be whispered conversations and loved up stares and brief touches. Even though he knows Cal probably doesn’t even want him there, he’s just being nice, he pretends to be thinking about it.

 

“Uh... I just remembered I said I would facetime my mum.” He lies flatly, “I’ll just- bye.” 

 

“...Bye.” Calum says hesitantly, chewing on his lip slightly. 

 

Michael leaves and goes back to his own room and  _ god  _ he feels like an idiot. He is fucking miserable. Falling facedown on to the bed, he buries his face into the pillow and tries to focus his thoughts because he is all over the place. So much for waking up in a good mood. He glances over to the window and he  _ knows  _ that he should go out anyway. He doesn’t have to be a third wheel, he could just go on his own. He has been looking forward to going to Osaka for pretty much his entire life, he was crushed when they couldn’t add a tour stop here last year. It would be wrong of him to pass up the opportunity of exploring it, of seeing the beautiful place. Somehow though, the thought of going on his own makes him feel like dying inside. He would just be lonely and sad and uncomfortable - just the  _ thought  _ of sitting alone in a restaurant for lunch makes him cringe with horror. He lies there doing nothing for a while longer but then he feels like he is about to burst into tears so he tries to do something else. He goes on his phone, and on Twitter discovers a load of photos from the previous night at the airport. He looks so goddamn miserable with all the fans. It’s not going unnoticed either, there are numerous comments about it. 

 

_ “@Michael5sos looks so sad! :( Poor baby” _

 

_ “I really hope Michael is just tired. He looks so lost.”  _

 

_ “@5sos why is Mikey so sad looking?!”  _

 

_ “I really hope he is as happy to be in our country as he says.” _

 

He feels another rush of guilt surge through his veins. That feeling is way too common now, he’s blaming himself for every single thing that happens. He’s letting the fans down, as usual. Sighing, he throws his phone down and goes over to his guitar case. It’s not the one he will be using tonight otherwise it would be somewhere else, but he likes to have one in his room with him all the time anyway, just in case he gets any ideas for songs or something. He takes a moment to tune it correctly and then puts the strap over his shoulder. He sings the first song that comes to mind, and it echoes everything so truly. 

 

_ “Hello there, the angel from my nightmare…”  _ he starts off singing softly. 

 

He thinks back to the video he and Luke and Calum uploaded so many years ago to Youtube and he almost laughs through his painful singing. He had no idea what he was doing with those stupid drums, but he remembers it was one of the first times he and Luke hung out. When he realised he was actually pretty cool, and even back then he thought the younger boy was actually really fucking cute and that was probably one of the main reasons he hated him before. Cute boys are his weakness. 

 

_ “Where are you? And I’m so sorry.”  _

 

It’s all down to him. He’s the one who is to blame for all of this. He has no right for wondering why Luke wants to get away from him, no right wanting to know where he is. 

 

_ “I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight.”  _

 

He continues on, and when he gets to the chorus he feels like his heart is being torn from his chest because he and Luke always harmonise on this bit. 

 

_ “Don’t waste your time on me, you’re already the voice inside my head…” _

 

When he gets to the end he is crying but he doesn’t even care. It’s actually kind of nice, he hasn’t cried properly in ages and now he is finally alone in a bare hotel room and he lets it all go. He’s in his most favourite country, he is in  _ Japan,  _ and he feels more miserable than ever. Again, he looks over at the minibar but stops himself and tries to think of a trickier song to play, it’s a good way to distract himself. He’s halfway through an opening riff when somebody knocks on the door and then opens it way too soon to have possibly waited for a response. Hurriedly wiping the teardrops from his face as best as he can, Michael looks up to see who it is and feels his heart stop…  _ Luke.  _ Why is he here? Did he come to say sorry? To say he really does want to share rooms and they should do something, they should hang out and go to the castle because they talked about it loads… when they were first planning the tour, they decided all the things they would do together. Maybe Luke remembers and has come to make peace. The blonde boy blinks his blue eyes, he looks slightly alarmed by Michael’s crying. The older boy waits practically on the edge of the bed, too shocked to say anything. 

 

“Natalie told me to tell you to be ready by half four to leave for the venue.” Is all he says, and then he is gone. 

 

That’s all. No, “Why are you crying?” No hug. No apology. No sign of love or care. Again, Michael has to remind himself that it is  _ his  _ fault. He deserves it all. 

 

So all on his own, he gets ready. He showers and he changes slowly so that it takes up more time, and he tries to tame his hair again but still fails. He sings some songs to try and get himself hyped up but still fails. God, he is tired of being so fucking miserable. All he is doing is feeling sorry for himself. Still, he is not looking forward to going on stage because he is the one who brings the energy usually and now he just feels like a grey shadow. It’s constant… not just the misery but the burning desire to have something to drink, to liven him up. All he needs to do is think of Calum cuddling him and Ashton being so pissed off with him for drinking himself away, and the fans, and he stops himself. He doesn’t think of Luke though, Luke doesn’t give a shit about him anymore. The whole time that he is walking through the hotel and downstairs and out into the car, and the drive to the venue… he is flat. His mood doesn’t drop but it doesn’t lift either.

 

During soundcheck he tries to engage with the fans, but all he can focus on is how close Luke is sitting to him. It’s definitely not intended, but it’s happening and that’s enough to drive him crazy. There’s a short question and answer session. His breath hitches when he gets a direct question. 

 

“What’s your phone home screen?” 

 

His heart freezes and he is all too aware of every single person having their attention on him, even Luke who has gotten so good at acting like he isn’t there. He hasn’t changed it. It’s a photo of he and Luke with their arms wrapped around one another. He set it months and months ago and it is still there, he just can’t bring himself to get rid of it; even if it fills him with sorrow every single time that he lays his eyes on it. 

 

“I actually don’t have my phone on me right now.” He lies after a very long silence, and he can feel it pressing into him from his back pocket and cringes because these guys notice everything, even phones hidden in back pockets. “But it’s… a photo… of… Ariana Grande.” 

 

A few people laugh and he exhales with relief as the next question is directed to Ashton, who is on the opposite side of the line to them. Not everybody turns their attention to him right away though… Luke’s eyes inger for a moment too long over Michael’s face, but by the time the blue haired boy plucks up the courage to meet his stare, Luke is looking away. 

  
  


The performance is okay. Not terrible. Michael does enjoy it, he always enjoys it and this is an incredible venue and the crowd is so lively. Luke bounces around the stage like a ball of energy and that’s kind of all Michael needs to see to know he is the only one still caught up in their relationship. Not that they even have one anymore. They sing and they engage with the fans but Michael doesn’t feel fully there. It goes by in a blur and suddenly he is huddled in a ball on a couch in the corner of their shared dressing room. Luke sits on the opposite side, scrolling on his phone. Calum and Ashton are the only ones who are hyped up, laughing and singing and changing into different clothes given they are drenched in sweat. 

 

“Let’s go celebrate!” They yell eagerly. 

 

“There’s this really great nightclub just around the corner apparently, or we could go to a bar and do shots or something…” Ashton trails off, lost in thought as he thinks of places to go. 

 

“I’m definitely in for shots.” Luke says with a grin, and he walks over to join them. 

 

The three of them chatter excitedly for a while and then Calum turns to Michael who has remained quiet for the exchange. 

 

“Mikey, are you-” He cuts off and then disappears into silence because he remembers a moment too late that Michael isn’t supposed to be drinking.

 

“You guys go.” Michael says with a smile as transparent as a glass of water. Or just an empty glass, filled with nothing. “I’ll head back to the hotel.”

 

“You could still come?” Ashton suggests with an encouraging smile. “I’m sure one tiny drink won’t hurt. Or you don’t have to have any alcohol at all, you know, you don’t need it to have fun-”

 

Michael wants to say yes. He really really wants to. He wants to party, he wants to let loose and feel like himself again. He knows he really shouldn’t though, and also when he looks at Luke it’s clear to him that if he goes, the youngest boy won’t. That’s not fair, he agreed to go first. Rising to his feet, he reaches down for a jacket and pulls it onto his shoulders. 

 

“Nah.” He says as he zips it up, “I’m tired anyway. I’ll just go to bed.” 

 

“I can come with you.” Calum says but Michael shakes his head. 

 

“You guys go. I’ll be fine.”

 

He leaves and gets into a car. Alone. He drives home and enters the hotel. Alone. He goes up to his room and strips down. Alone. He crawls under the sheets even though it’s still so early. Alone…

  
He doesn’t sleep until the sun is nearly rising again because he doesn’t have someone’s arms around him and it’s almost entirely impossible. So much for Japan being his happy place. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be more about Luke, it's been quite Michael heavy recently. Hope you enjoyed ^-^


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I know that I said being on break would give me more time to write but... yeah I maybe lied. Anyways, here's a chapter. It's long and not very good but I hope it's still okay for you guys. I just wanted to get something up.

The boys are in Osaka for a second day even though they don’t have another show to play here. They just wanted to spend a little extra time getting to explore the place, to experience it for real. Calum and Ashton were up bright and early (for them, anyway) and out of the hotel before either Michael or Luke had woken up. Now Luke sat on the end of his hotel bed, feeling lonely and bored but not wanting to go out on his own. He knows that Michael is also somewhere in this hotel feeling lonely and bored, he’s picturing the blue haired boy going mad in the tiny white four-walled room. The thing to do would be to go and hang out, to go and actually have  _ fun _ . They’re supposed to be living their lives, loving being on the road. They are in  _ Japan,  _ a place Michael loves more than anything. Even as he considers it though, the idea is killed in Luke’s head straight away. He made a promise to Arzaylea and even if he doesn’t exactly want to keep it, he’s a faithful man. He won’t do anything that goes against her wishes, he doesn’t want to make her unhappy. She twists his thoughts, makes him think that he is the bad guy here even though he’s not even doing anything bad. Even by sitting next to the guy though, he feels like he is doing something wrong. He is scared of what she could do, and he knows he shouldn’t be. It’s not like she would hurt him or anything, he just doesn’t want her to be sad. Sighing, he goes over to the tiny desk in the corner of the room and picks up his songwriting notebook that he placed there. He wants to write something,  _ anything,  _ but recently he has a massive block in his mind and all he can think to write about is boys with ever changing hair and beautiful green eyes. Leaning back against the headboard of the bed, he props the notebook open on his laps and holds a pen in his hand but  _ still  _ nothing comes to mind. Instead he lets his thoughts wander. Last night didn’t go too well. He went to some bar with Calum and Ashton but he was just tired and really not feeling it and he felt bad that Michael was at the hotel on his own so he left. He doesn’t even know why he left, it’s not like he was going to go home and spend some time with Mikey to make him feel better. He’s just never in the mood to do anything these days. Whether it’s party, write songs or just go and get some lunch, nothing sparks him, nothing makes him want to get up and and escape the hotel walls. Even so, he agreed to go out with Calum and Ashton again later tonight, they want to do as much as they can seeing as they are in a new country. That’s not for ages though, he is longing for some fresh air but knows that he would probably just get lost anyway. He has nobody to venture the city with and he is horrible with directions, he would just end up stood in the middle of some dingy alleyway or something. Groaning maybe a little dramatically, he rolls over and buries his head into the pillow, fighting the urge to scream because he is so sick of all this misery. 

  
  
  
  


Sitting in a corner booth in some random bar opposite Ashton and Calum, Luke takes a swig of beer - he made sure to get the largest one possible because he needs  _ something  _ to drown out the lovey dovey gazes that Cal and Ash won’t stop exchanging. He doesn’t feel right, not in the slightest. They are both happy and in love, giggling at the stupidest of things and holding hands under the table as if there are cameras watching them. It’s like he is intruding a private moment, even though  _ they  _ were the ones who insisted he join them. His bitter thoughts are interrupted when for the first time in ages, he is being spoken to properly again and Calum and Ashton have stopped admiring each other’s  _ hands _ . 

 

“Luke,” the oldest of the three says softly, “I saw loads of horrible messages being sent to your girlfriend Arzana.”

 

“Arzaylea.” Luke corrects with a frown, and Calum snorts with laughter but conceals it by placing a hand over his mouth. 

 

“Right, Arzaylea. And there are loads of hate accounts too. Are you alright?”

 

“And is she alright?” Calum asks, but it sounds like he is asking just to be polite and not because he actually cares. It’s no secret that none of the boys are too keen on Luke’s girlfriend. 

 

He hasn’t even spoken about it to her, not really, apart from when she pretty much forced him to block some girl who said something about her on Twitter. Still, it  _ has  _ been bothering him, maybe it will help to talk it over a little. 

 

“It’s hard because we are keeping our relationship as on the down low as we can so I can’t exactly tell people to stop or address the matter. I feel bad for her I just don’t know what to do. All of the fans seem to hate her and they don’t even know her, and I don’t want to have to choose between the fans and her. I  _ love  _ the fans.”

 

“Do you love Arzona?” Ashton asks, his voice gentle. 

 

“ _ Arzaylea _ .” Calum whispers, nudging his boyfriend’s side. 

 

It doesn’t even bother Luke that his best friends don’t know the name of his girlfriend, he doesn’t know  _ how  _ he feels. He thinks intently about the question. He shouldn’t be with his girlfriend and always hoping it was Michael, he shouldn’t be wishing to spend all of his time with somebody else, and he shouldn’t feel uncomfortable and  _ trapped  _ like he does every time he is with Arzaylea. He takes another long gulp of beer before answering. 

 

“I do.” He says, but it sounds more like a question or something. A clumsy, confused thought slipping from his tongue and it feels foreign, like he shouldn’t be saying it. 

 

He can sense that the others know he isn’t sure either, because they exchange worried glances and then force him reassuring smiles that don’t fully meet their eyes. 

 

“Sorry for asking.” Ashton says, patting Luke’s hand across the table. 

 

“No, no. I’m glad you did.” Luke replies, “I’ve been thinking about it for days. It’s been weighing me down.” 

 

They start talking with excitement about all of the other tour stops, leaving Luke to his own thoughts again. He had the chance to get the weight off of his shoulders two days ago, on the plane when Michael asked him about it. He had genuinely sounded concerned as well, and even though nobody can hate Luke’s girlfriend more than Mikey, he had actually said her name right. He had seemed worried, like he truly cared for his ex… whatever they were. Luke feels a burning surge of guilt because he had shut him down so quickly. He’s been acting so harsh towards Michael but Arzaylea’s right. He can’t get too close, or he will just end up hurt. Not to mention, he is in a relationship with somebody else now whether he likes it or not. He glances up and rolls his eyes when he notices Calum and Ashton are kissing, they’re all over eachother. Scanning around the bar, Luke checks there is nobody with a camera or anything, nobody paying attention to them. He doesn’t know how the boys would feel if their relationship got out into the public but considering they hadn’t mentioned it themselves yet, they probably weren’t prepared.He feels too much like a third wheel, so he quickly downs the remains of his beer and then shrugs on his leather jacket. 

 

“I’ll see you guys.” He says, and they barely even acknowledge him. 

 

He would be bitter or jealous or annoyed that they are ignoring him pretty much, but he is glad they are happy. He’s not too sure on their relationship status or anything but it’s been a long time coming for the pair of them to be as happy as they are right now. Even so, he can’t help but wish with a stabbing pain that that were him and Michael. He’s walking down a random street, not too sure of the way back to the hotel but he didn’t want to call a car or anything, he needs some fresh air. Well, he’s planning to go back to the hotel but then he thinks about it. He was in his room pretty much all day, bored and alone and knowing that Michael will just be down the hall doesn’t help. Changing his mind, he goes down a side road and finds himself outside another bar, a different one. He’s not one to drink alone but he’s already kind of tipsy so he doesn’t care. He wouldn’t admit it but he is definitely a lightweight, out of all four members of the band he is definitely the worst at handling his drink. Even so, he sits down at the bar and orders a rum and coke. As the drinks keep on coming he quickly gets more and more drunk. It doesn’t make him feel any better like he had thought it would, no, it makes him  _ sadder _ . He starts thinking about everything he misses. Home, his mum, his brothers, his dog, LA, school,  _ before  _ his relationship started with Michael. The thought of Arzaylea doesn’t come to mind once. 

 

“Hey.” 

 

He glances to the side and raises his eyebrows in surprise, there’s a pretty girl sat beside him. He doesn’t know how much time has passed and he is surrounded by shot glasses all of a sudden and his head aches when he turns his head to face her. 

 

“Kind of sad to be drinking alone, don’t you think?”

 

“Maaaaybe.” He replies with a shrug and she laughs, a cute little giggle that makes Luke smile. “You can join me if you want. Bar boy, more shots please! 

 

The bartender slides them across a few and Luke splits them equally between himself and the girl. They count to three and then down them as quickly as they can, and this goes on for a while. Luke is uncertain of time or his age or his name or where he is but he doesn’t even care. He’s stopped thinking about Michael though, which is good. 

 

“What is your name?” He asks, maybe a little too late considering they’ve been sat together for about an hour now. 

 

She smiles, “Akira.”

 

“Do you want to know mine?” Luke asks, puzzled. 

Shrugging her shoulders, Akira looks up at him from underneath her eyelashes in a clear attempt at being seductive. It makes Luke laugh. “I’m not too fussed about your name.” And then she is kissing him. 

 

For a second Luke let’s it happen. He lets her lips dance with his and she moves closer to him, he leans into it. His thoughts are taken completely, and it’s actually a decent kiss, he’s not trying to force himself to feel it like he does with Arzaylea. But then his thoughts come flooding back and he gasps. She moans into his lips, probably thinking that’s what  _ he  _ is doing, but then he gently pushes her back. Well, not exactly gently, it’s quite abrupt, and she looks at him with wide eyes. 

 

“Did I do something wrong, honey?” 

 

“Uh…” Luke says, trying to think of a reply to grab onto, and he squints his eyes before shaking his head. “No. No you didn’t. I did.”

 

“I’m the one who kissed you.” She points out, frowning at him. 

 

He lifts his fingers to his lips, closing his eyes for a long time and when he opens them again the lights are blurry and she is looking at him with a great deal of concern. 

 

“I have a boyf- girlfriend.” 

 

“...Oh.” She replies slowly, “Hey, are you okay? You look like you’re about to fall?”

 

“I’ve gotta go.” He exhales in a breathy voice, stumbling off of his bar stool and he’s halfway to the door when she catches up with him. 

 

“Maybe I should call you a car? You don’t look too good…”

 

“I’m fine.” He says, “Thanks. Sorry. Bye.” 

 

Falling out of the door, he lets the cold air bite at his skin and it actually feels nice. He walks aimlessly down the road and comes out onto the place he was standing before. Calum and Ashton are just round the corner, maybe he should go back to them… he decides against it. He just wants to go back home, well, to the hotel for now. Even he knows it is a bad idea, he should have let that girl call him a car.  _ That girl,  _ god, he just kissed a near stranger. His head is already aching, he doesn’t want to think about how he will feel in the morning. God, he is drunk. He’s lost, he doesn’t know where he is. He blinks up at the bright lights of some shop, they aren’t even that bright but to his bleary eyes they are. Standing in some alley way, he is slumped against a wall and he knows he should call someone to help him. Maybe Natalie, she’s in charge of looking after them and she’ll be back at the hotel. Scrolling down his contact list, he finds her name and then dials her, pressing the phone against his ear. 

“Luke?” 

 

The blonde boy narrows his eye in confusion. “Natalie? What happened to your voice?” 

 

“Natalie? Luke, it’s me.” There’s a long pause. “Michael.” 

 

_ Shit,  _ Luke thinks to himself as his heart plummets down to the bottom of his stomach. He shakes his head, not really sure what to say. He hasn’t spoken to Michael over the phone in so long. More than months. 

 

“Luke, are you drunk? Where are you?” 

 

“Why… why are you on Nat’s phone?”

 

“I’m not. You called  _ me  _ Luke, not Natalie.”

 

“Why did I do that?”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe you- no, I doubt you meant to.” Michael sighs softly, “N and M are right next to each other. You probably just pressed me by mistake.” 

 

Nobody says anything for a while, Luke just tries to adjust his thoughts because he has no idea what he is supposed to do anymore. His head hurts and this thoughts are jumbling and he feels like he is going to pass out or something. 

 

“Luke, are you drunk?” Michael repeats, “Where are Cal and Ash?”

 

“I left them and… and I don’t know where I am.” Luke realises again, he had forgotten he was in some random dark alleyway. He’s now slumped on the floor with his back pressed against a wall.  

 

“Do you want me to wake Natalie?” Michael asks. 

 

“She’s sleeping?” Luke echoes, and Michael grunts in confirmation. “No, no. Don’t wake her. I’ll f-find my own way back.”

 

“Don’t be an idiot.” Michael says, and for a second it sounds like there is something more in his voice.  _ Fondness _ . “I won’t wake Nat but… tell me where you are?” 

 

A huge chunk of Luke wants to refuse because he promised he wouldn’t go near Mikey if he could help it but he knows that’s stupid. He needs help, if he tries to walk back on his own he’ll probably just end up passed out in the middle of a road or something. 

 

“I don’t know. There’s… there’s a shop. I can’t read what it says…”

 

“You have to try, Luke.” Michael insists, “Let your eyes focus on the words, okay? Then I can find you.” 

 

Somehow Luke manages to work out the words, and he reads them out to Michael and then leans back against the wall, hanging up the phone. Just for a moment, he lets his eyes drop close because they are stinging from all of the lights. Luckily there doesn’t seem to be anyone else around, he’s not really in the mood to explain to a stranger what he is doing in a random dark alley. 

  
  


_ “Luke.”  _ Something slaps at the blue eyed boy’s face lightly and he wakes up with a jolt, and he focuses his sight on the last person he expected to see, Michael. 

 

“What are you doing here?” He asks sleepily, blinking his eyes. 

 

“You called me, you idiot.” Michael mutters, and then he pulls Luke’s limp self up to his feet, positioning Luke’s arms so that one is around Michael’s shoulder, making it easier for the older boy to walk with him. 

 

“I did? Wait, where am I?”

 

“You’re in some dark alley way that you were just sleeping in.” Michael says flatly. 

 

He hadn’t wanted to come, well he  _ had,  _ he had to make sure that Luke got home and was safe, but he knew it would be awkward. The two of them haven’t had a civilised conversation in forever and this is not the way he wanted to start talking to Luke again. Still, he had come. He would always come for Luke at the end of the day, even if he wouldn’t admit it even to himself. 

 

“Why was I sleeping here?” Luke slurs, gesturing to the tiny passageway between two buildings, but they are leaving it now and walking down the road, Michael struggling slightly because Luke is quite a bit taller than him. 

 

“I don’t know.” Michael replies shortly. “Luke, you really need to be careful. You can’t just go round getting drunk and passing out in the middle of nowhere. It’s not safe.”

 

“ _ You  _ can talk.” Luke scoffs, rolling his eyes. 

 

Even though Michael knows he is right, it’s hard for him to bite his tongue. Still, he keeps quiet, and for the rest of the surprisingly quick walk home, he responds to Luke’s weird drunken questions with grunts and nods as they make their way home. He’s sort of mad that Calum and Ashton would let  _ Luke  _ of all people just walk off when he is drunk. He can not handle his alcohol, that is a well known fact between the boys. Eventually they get to the hotel, and Michael’s face has been so stony for the rest of the journey that he feels like a statue. It’s kind of hard for him to smile when he’s so confused right now, he doesn’t have a clue what is going on between himself and Luke. Clearly, Luke’s thoughts are much less focused on the strain between the two of them. It’s like he has forgotten it all for a moment, and it does feel sort of nice. Luke’s smiling at Michael for once, he’s talking to him, he’s not flinching any time Michael makes a movement. Still, Michael is pissed off. Not just with Luke, with everyone. It’s also kind of hard for him to be sober when Luke is the opposite of that, it tempts him even more. 

 

Luke pats his hand against Michael’s stubbly cheek, giggling at the feel of it like he is a child. “Cheer up, chuck!” 

 

It feels weird. Luke touching his face… it sends hot shivers down Michael’s spine, he is so in love with the boy that any single contact makes his head go fuzzy. His eyes fall shut, and he lets himself enjoy it, just for a second. They are standing in the middle of the entryway to the hotel but he doesn’t care. Even so, he eventually flinches away from it. 

 

“Come on, Mikey. I’m just teasing.” Luke says with an over the top roll of his eyes, “ _ Chillax.  _ Just having a bit of a laugh.”

 

It would be so easy. Michael could just let it all happen, he could play too, they could tease one another and laugh and joke around. But… even if it’s partly his own fault, Luke has been hurting him too. He can’t forget all of that just because Luke is drunk. 

 

“This isn’t a time for joking, Lukey.” Michael says, the words are kind of harsh but he tries to speak with a soft voice anyway. “There’s… there’s never a time for the two of us to tease anymore.”

 

“Don’t you miss me?” Luke says, his voice is still teasing and he leans down, letting his breath tickle Michael’s neck. 

 

“That’s not fair.” Michael hisses, moving away but still keeping his hands on Luke so that he doesn’t stumble and fall. “You can’t… you can’t do that.”

 

Luke raises his eyebrows. “Why?”

 

“You have a girlfriend.” Michael says, “And… and things aren’t like that between the two of us anymore. They can’t be, I’m sorry.”

 

It’s taking all of his willpower to say no but somehow he does. That willpower is definitely not respected though, Luke just continues to tease, he doesn’t care about anything at the moment. 

 

“How were things before? I loved you and you liked sex with me. But you also cared about me.”

 

_ I loved you too,  _ Michael wants to say. He can’t believe he ever let Luke think that he was using him just for sex but he did and he feels like an idiot for it. It’s too late now though, he can’t take it back, so he just stays quiet. 

 

“If you don’t care about me anymore, then why did you come?” Luke whispers, and his breath is still making Michael’s skin tingle, they’ve moved to stand close together again without meaning to. 

 

It’s a simple question and it kind of makes sense but still, it makes Michael lose his temper. This isn’t fair. Luke is playing with his weak spots. 

 

“Okay. Next time I’ll let you get lost, you can get run over by a car because you have no fucking clue how the traffic operates here, you can get dead out drunk and pass out in an alley where anybody could find you, get murdered. I don’t fucking care anymore.” He snaps, and he starts to move away, ready to storm off and head to his room but then he turns around for the slightest second and sees Luke is slumped on the floor all of a sudden, and he’s staring down at his feet intently. 

 

Michael looks over to the reception desk where there is a woman looking at them with concern and maybe irritation because this isn’t exactly the sort of thing you want to happen in your hotel lobby - a drunk guy passing out on the floor whilst he argues with some frustrated dude. Sighing heavily, he returns to Luke and kneels down at his side, hesitating again before placing his hands on Luke’s shoulders. 

 

“I didn’t mean that.” He admits in a scared whisper. “...I would more than care if any of that stuff happened to you. It would… it would destroy me.”

 

“No.” Luke stops him with a frown spreading across his face. “Maybe you should do that stuff. Maybe I would rather be murdered than be so miserable on my own all the time.” 

 

Michael furrows his brow in confusion. He thought Luke was fine. He has a girlfriend and he had so much energy on stage last night but… he can’t deny he has noticed how tired Luke looks, too. It’s not just Michael who doesn’t sleep much. Among other things though, and he definitely knows Luke isn’t exactly happy with Arzaylea. He never thought Luke would say anything like  _ that  _ though… that he would rather be  _ killed _ ? 

 

“Don’t say that.” He whispers, blinking back a tear that is taunting him, threatening to fall as it stings his eye. “...You don’t have to be alone.” He says it with such a desperate hope it’s almost embarrassing. 

 

“The only other option is filled with pain and heartbreak and I can’t handle that.” Luke mumbles, shaking his head. His eyes are starting to fall shut again, he is close to passing out right there and then. 

 

Silently, Michael gets to his feet again, dragging Luke up with him. They stumble over to the lift and ride up without saying a word, and then Michael pulls Luke to his hotel room. He wants to stay but he can’t, he just takes Luke over to his bed and lies him down, and then takes his boots off.

 

“I don’t have to be alone tonight.” Luke states suddenly. “...You can stay. Just for one night.”

 

“No.” Michael says, one simple word, and he smiles sadly. 

 

“Why? Isn’t that what you want?”

 

“Not like this.” Michael replies, “Not when you are … not really here. Not you.”

 

And then Luke starts to softly snore and Michael leaves, returning to his own bedroom. 

  
  
  


_ Luke is lying passed out in the middle of some random street, it’s dark out and he is surrounded by filthy puddles of rain. Michael watches from around the corner but he doesn’t do anything, he doesn’t care anymore. When he sees some random man going over he wants to call out, he wants to stop anything from happening but he won’t let himself get close, not anymore. Luke doesn’t want him, so he won’t force his company on the lad. The stranger hoists Luke up to his feet and then practically carries him away. Michael follows, always on the guy’s heels. They cross the road and a car very nearly hits them Luke could be dead, Michael doesn’t do anything though.  _

 

_ I won’t hurt him anymore, Michael reminds himself, I have to stay away.  _

 

_ The man takes Luke into some random building, and Michael follows. He’s a bit far behind so he doesn’t see everything, when he finally gets to the same room as Luke and the random stranger the last thing he sees is the boy he loves screaming and then BANG. He’s dead. _

 

Jerking upright, Michael cries out in horror. He’s woken up in a cold sweat, the nightmare still playing fresh in his mind and he feels like he is about to throw up. He’s wearing nothing but sweatpants however he doesn’t care, even if it was just a dream his thoughts are a mess now. Leaping out of bed, he practically sprints down the hallway to Luke’s room and doesn’t bother knocking, shoving the door open, his heart pounding. It instantly calms though. Luke is lying on his side, legs curled up around him like he always sleeps and his head against the pillow, eyes closed and breaths evenly leaving his nose and mouth. Despite refusing to stay just a little while ago, Michael wants to lie down beside the boy he used to be able to call baby. He wants to kiss him and make sure he is safe at all times, because  _ hell,  _ Michael really really cares despite what he is trying to convince himself. With soft tip-toeing feet, he makes his way across to the bed… and then pretty much jumps out of his skin when Luke’s eyes fly open and he sits up. His eyes are beautiful and blue and sleepy. It’s a pretty awkward moment, being caught sneaking into Luke’s room while he sleeps. 

 

“What are you doing?” The younger boy asks, voice heavy and tired. 

 

“I was… I had a nightmare.” Michael says sheepishly. 

 

Studying the blue haired boy, Luke’s eyes narrow and he looks thoughtful, his cheeks are flushed pink. He is clearly still slightly drunk, his words are slurring even now and he looks like he can’t decide on something. Apparently he is not drunk enough that he wants to be accompanied by Michael anymore, though. 

 

“And you’re coming to me, why?” He asks flatly. 

 

Michael’s heart stabs through his chest and he shakes his head, baffled. This night has been all too confusing and he doesn’t have a clue what he is thinking anymore. 

 

“Just-”

 

“Mikey-  _ Michael _ . I’m grateful you came to help me tonight and everything but… despite what I may have said, we can’t just- we can’t go back to normal. It’s- I have a girlfriend.”

 

“You love her?” Michael asks softly, so quiet it almost can’t be hurt. 

 

He notices that Luke hesitates before nodding, but he can’t do anything. Luke doesn’t want him, he never will. Maybe for a few drunken moments but otherwise…. Michael is still on his own. At least Luke is on his own and not dead though. Mikey considers sharing the nightmare but Luke is tired and he doesn’t even want to be with Michael anyway. Not wanting to say anything else, Michael turns and walks from the room shamefully, tail between his legs. On his way back to the room he passes Calum and Ashton. They are clearly pissed too, so drunk that they don’t even see Michael as they pass him, laughing way too loudly and tearing at one another’s clothes. 

  
Feeling more resentful than usual, Michael returns to his room. Alone, the whole night forgotten. 


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I would update like 5 days ago, I'm soooorry, it's just that I don't like to update it when I'm not 100% in the mood to write it because then I don't feel satisfied with it at all! Hope you don't mind :)

A week into tour and the boys are in Shanghai. For once, all four of them are actually exploring the city  _ together. _ Michael’s not exactly in the greatest mood, he still isn’t as happy as he could be but he’s coping. Right now, they’re in the Yu Garden, and it is beautiful. So beautiful he is actually smiling.

 

“Mikey, let’s get a photo.” Calum encourages, elbowing his best friend in the side and making his way over to pose beside a tree.

 

A little reluctantly because he knows he doesn’t look his best at the moment, Michael agrees and follows the younger boy over. “Where’s Ash?” Calum mutters with a frown, but then he sees Luke passing them. “Luke, take a picture of us.”

 

Quietly, Luke accepts Cal’s phone and then positions himself to take the photo, obviously avoiding all eye contact with Michael. They’ve spoken occasionally since that night where Michael pretty much rescued the youngest boy, but it’s always been flat and rigid, nobody sure what to say next. Honestly, Michael just really wants this all to be over. Even if he is madly in love with the boy (not that he would admit it) he would rather be friends than nothing. Blunt, uncomfortable  _ strangers _ . Still, he forces a smile for the photo and Calum immediately goes to post it on Instagram, they’re doing their best to update the fans as much as possible. 

 

“Calum!” Ashton calls from the other side of the garden, “Come here!”

 

Both Luke and Michael watch as Calum walks away, a huge smile on his face, it’s always there when he lays eyes on Ashton. It makes them both jealous, and they realise how longing they must look when they awkwardly acknowledge one another. 

 

“...Want me to take a photo of you?” Michael offers hesitantly, more as a way to break the silence. 

 

Luke looks like he may actually be contemplating the offer, but just as he begins to nod his head he freezes and his eyes widen like he has only just realised who he is standing with. 

 

“No.” He says flatly, “I better not, uh…” he doesn’t finish, and instead just slowly lopes off in the opposite direction, leaving Michael standing alone. 

 

That’s not a rare feeling for him anymore, he heaves a tired sigh and runs his hands through his blue hair, and then tries not to notice that Luke is now asking Ashton to take a photo of him. It’s a small thing, a stupid photo that doesn’t matter but… that fact still hurts Mikey. Luke doesn’t want him. He never will. He  _ always  _ knows that, but any small thing that makes this fact more obvious is like a punch in the gut.

  
  


Later on, they’re in some random restaurant that nobody knows the name of, they only came in here because they wanted something that’s not sushi for a change. Michael is sat beside Calum to his relief, he’s the only one who he feels fully comfortable with anymore. Ashton’s been slightly kinder but Michael still constantly feels like Ashton has some kind of problem with him and he just gets it. Anybody in their right mind would hate him, that’s all he is worth.

 

“You alright mate?” Calum asks with a grin, “You’ve been twirling that noodle for five minutes now.”

 

Michael feels a low blush creep into his cheeks, feeling slightly surprised at being caught whilst he was losing himself in such a miserable thought. “I’m good.” He mutters. 

 

Across the table, Ashton and Luke are discussing some new song idea they’ve had but one of their phone rings. Luke takes his out of of his pocket and frowns down at the screen, apologising quietly before swiping to answering it and putting it to his ear. 

 

“Hey babe.” He says, and that word alone is enough to make Michael cringe. He used to call Luke babe.  _  Baby boy..  _ And now here his baby boy is saying it to some other girl who will never deserve him. “Wait, you’re  _ here _ ?” 

 

At that, everybody (not just Michael) tense up slightly, and look over to the youngest member of the boy with concerned frowns. Maybe not concerned… frustrated? Luke barely offers an explanation, just slides his phone back into his pocket and gets to his feet. 

 

“Where are you going?” Ashton asks, the question coming out in a harsh bite because they all know without having to ask where Luke is going. 

 

Arzaylea is  _ here _ . On their tour. Michael thought he had finally gotten away from the torture of that girl’s presence and now… 

 

“Sorry guys,” Luke says, and he genuinely seems it. He doesn’t look excited or happy that his girlfriend has turned up, and that at least is enough to make Michael feel slightly less mad. “I’ll see you later.” 

 

“We have an interview in two hours, Luke-” Calum starts, but Luke shrugs and everyone closes their mouths, deciding against protesting further. 

 

“Don’t worry.” Luke insists and he pulls his leather jacket on, “I’ll be there. I just- have to deal with it.” 

 

He leaves a silence in his wake and the three remaining boys all stare down at their plates, nobody sure quite what to say. Underneath the table, Calum reaches out to squeeze his friend’s hand and Michael finds it comforting, he squeezes back gratefully. Even if he’s slightly angry and upset and annoyed, he can’t help but want to laugh at the fact that Luke called Arzaylea an ‘it’ rather than a ‘her’. The rest of the meal is hushed and nobody really knows what to say, nobody wants to start anything that could offend Luke. When Ashton gets up to go and pay, Calum leans closer to Mikey, “Are you okay?” 

 

“Yeah.” Michael lies as well as he can. Calum knows he is not telling the truth, he puts an arm lightly over the older boy’s shoulder. 

 

As they make their way to the interview, Michael tries not to think about it. He doesn’t want to let  _ her  _ get to him, it’s not like he and Luke have been spending time together. He just hopes desperately that she never comes along to explore with them all - he is not too keen on spending time with the boy he wants to be with more than anything in his life as he sucks the face off of some ratty girl. Then he feels slightly bad for being so rude - though he also feels not at all guilty. She’s horrible, she makes Luke so unhappy and he is actually worried about him. No matter what, he will always care about him. Like everything has been going for the past week of the tour, it passes in a blur. He does his best to engage with the questions and laugh, he says a few jokes which seem to lighten the mood. He is forced to sit beside Luke - they have a seating arrangement. The blonde boy barely says a word, instead just laughs weakly at a few things, other than that though it’s like he isn’t even there. Michael wonders if something happened with Arzaylea, maybe they argued? Although to be honest, he thinks to himself, Luke is always in a bad mood these days. He shrugs it off as best as he can, because he’s trying his hardest not to let any Luke related things get to him too hard. The interview is not too long thank God. It’s not that the interview was terrible or anything, and the woman asking the questions was nice enough, it’s just not very fun when they ask about their lives. Calum and Ashton are the only ones who actually seem moderately happy at the moment. They leave the building and enter the cold air and Michael sighs maybe a little heavily. 

 

“What’s up?” Calum asks for the millionth time, but just as Michael is about to respond, Luke speaks up. 

 

“I have to go and meet Arzaylea.” 

 

“There’s a surprise.” Cal mutters so quietly that nobody even hears. Michael says nothing, Ashton’s the only one who really openly acknowledges the younger boy. 

 

“We were going to go to a bar or something…”

 

“That didn’t go down too well last time I came along.” Luke replies, maybe a little bluntly. Michael can feel that ice blue stare on him and he glances down at his feet awkwardly, not really sure what to say. They never spoke about that night, not since it actually happened. “I better go.” 

 

“See ya.” Ashton says with a wave, and Calum mutters a quiet goodbye. 

 

The three remaining boys file into a different car and start off in the direction of the hotel so that they can change or shower or whatever. Although he doesn’t say anything, Michael is kind of nervous. He has done well at avoiding going to any clubs or bars for the whole tour, but something made him want to go out tonight. Still, he is worried about what could possibly happen even though he has vowed to himself not to have anything alcoholic to drink. He doesn’t know how long that will last. When they’re back at the hotel, he stands under the steamy water for a long time. As he cleans himself, he takes some time to think about everything. Okay, he isn’t  _ miserable _ . He’s kind of enjoying tour - he’s kind of sad that he only started to cheer up when they started going to countries he has already been to, but at least he’s feeling better. But… when he is on his own, he still lets his own thoughts poison his mind. He tricks himself into thinking it’s all his own fault, that he deserves to be alone, that it’s no wonder there is so much tension in the band. Everybody hates him. Wiping his eyes, he climbs out of the shower and goes to change, putting on a new pair of black skinny jeans and a shirt, pulling on his jacket. It’s pretty much the same thing he wears all the time, except the shirt is maybe a little nicer. Their actual show isn’t until tomorrow, which he is kind of sad about, it’s the first night they haven’t been on stage since Osaka. 

 

In less than three hours, Michael is… well. Completely out of it drunk. And what’s even worse is, Ash and Calum are even  _ more  _ drunk and can’t even notice, they can’t stop him. As the blue haired boy takes another long gulp of some random cocktail that got pressed into his hand, he can hear his own thoughts, telling him to stop.  _ Don’t let it get too far…  _ on the other hand though, he is on tour. They’re partying, they’re celebrating, he deserves it. However, it doesn’t feel like it did just under a month ago - it doesn’t numb his feelings about Luke. . Everything that’s happened between him and the younger boy (the love of his life) is if anything, magnified. All he can think about is that somewhere, he is with that trollface Arzaylea and not with him. All he can think about is that no matter what, he can’t be with that boy again because he hurt him too much. All he can think about is that no, maybe that’s wrong - he  _ helped  _ Luke the other night, and how did he get repaid? He  _ didn’t _ . Luke just shoved him away. And maybe that was the right thing to do, but somehow Michael knows that that was just harsh. He can’t help feeling like there is something else driving Luke away from him - it’s not love for Arzaylea. Definitely not love but… 

 

“What are you thinking about?” Calum loudly interrupts his thoughts, his voice slurring. “Come on, Ash has gone to get onesies.” He flashes a bright grin.

 

“Why?” Michael asks with a frown, but then he laughs anyway, because clearly it is a good thing. 

 

“We’re going to rock out with our… onesies.” Calum replies, “ _ Duh _ . But we have to go somewhere else.”

 

“Where are we going?” 

 

“Another party.” 

 

For a moment, Michael’s thoughts vaguely return to the voice in his head telling him to stop drinking before something happens but he’s barely had any fun over the past week of tour and that’s just not fair, so he shoves it away. Looking down at Calum’s outstretched hand, he laces his fingers through those of his best friend and they go out into the fresh air, away from the throng of sweaty dancing bodies and pounding dance music. 

 

“Where is Ashton?” 

 

Calum snorts unattractively, laughing a bit too much given it wasn’t at all funny. “He’s getting onesies with Natalie. We have to get into this car.” 

 

They clamber into the backseat of their car, the driver closing the door behind them, and then it starts moving and Michael feels slightly sick and has to put his head down onto his lap. 

 

“This was soooooo stupid.” He mumbles, “So stupid. So stupid.”

 

“You’re not stupid.” Calum tells him softly, and he moves his palm in slow, soothing circles across the older boy’s back. 

 

“Don’t do that.” Michael tells him quickly, his throat raspy, “I might throw up.”

 

They both laugh, quiet little drunken giggles. Well, Calum’s laughter is happy but Michael’s is more just laughter at himself, because he really is an idiot. He shouldn’t be drunk because now every sadness he has been feeling is just flooding through his body like a fountain and he can’t control it. Feeling his cheeks heat up in shame, he buries his face further into the denim of his jeans so that Calum won’t realise he is crying. That’s kind of difficult to hide though, because now sobbing hiccups are escaping his throat and he wipes his snotty nose on his jeans. Narrowing his eyes, Calum leans forward. 

 

“Mikey? Mikey, what’s-”

 

“Nothing.” Michael lies very badly, it’s quite obvious that everything is the matter. He can’t stop fucking crying. Tutting like a stern parent, Cal reaches an arm out and pulls his bestest and oldest friend into his side. Somehow, just that one tiny gesture is enough to calm Mikey down a little. They’re the only ones who can ever make everything 100% okay for eachother. Except… no. Michael requires Calum for every small thing that goes wrong because he is pathetic, Calum actually has someone he can go to for that. It’s not Michae, it’s  _ Ashton _ . He can’t help it, Michael feels a slight resentment to that relationship. He’s just so  _ jealous _ . 

 

“What’s up, Mikey? You can tell me anything.” Calum insists, he is still slurring his words a lot but he is seriou, brow furrowed as he pushes Michael back up to a seated position. The older boy turns to face him, grateful for Cal’s hands supporting his shoulders. 

 

They look deeply into one another’s eyes. Calum’s are nothing like the blue eyes of Luke, sometimes clear and bright, sometimes dark and stormy. His eyes are just  _ familiar _ , dark brown and so easy to get lost in. They’re the eyes Michael used to have staring competitions with when he was just a kid. He loves Calum. Not in the same way as Luke, definitely not, but… he  _ loves him _ . He’s the only person he can actually rely on. “Everything is wrong.” He whispers, but he’s losing focus as his eyes skim down from those eyes and instead rest on Calum’s lips. 

 

_ He’s not Luke,  _ he tries to remind himself but when he isn’t looking at Cal’s eyes, it’s so easy for him to imagine that it is. His alcohol tainted state makes it so much easier for him to let his damned emotions warp every single part of his brain and his heart that could make any tiny bit of sense. 

 

“No.” Calum says, “Not everything is-  _ oh _ .” 

 

That’s all he says.  _ Oh.  _ As Michael swoops forward blindly and crushes his lips against his, he just lets out a little gasp. Squeezing his tear brimmed eyes shut, Michael shakes his head, knowing this is wrong. It doesn’t feel right, and it’s not even like the times when he just hooked up with random people. He had kind of hoped it would be, like when he kisses Evan. But this is different, this is  _ Calum _ . His  _ best friend in the whole wide world _ . Who is dating one of his other best friends in the whole wide world. Snapping his head back, he jerks his eyes open and shakes his head again, combing his hands back through his hair, making it stand up on edge. At the same time, Calum reaches out his own hands to shove the older boy off, but it isn’t at all angry. It’s gentle and he just looks genuinely afraid. 

 

“Mikey,” he starts off in a low whisper, but he trails off because it’s obvious there’s no getting through to Michael when he is in this state. 

 

He is shaking his head way too vigorously, and he has his hands clapped over his mouth as if he can shove that stupid kiss back in but it happened. They both look as stunned as they definitely feel, but…  _ why isn’t Calum furious?  _ That’s what makes it worse because Michael knows that he deserves to be slapped, yelled at, whatever. Just that that was wrong and that he shouldn’t be met with eyes of kindness and worry rather than furious storms of rage. 

 

“I just…” he exhales, pointing his finger lamely at Calum’s lips and then at himself. “No I… oh shit.”

 

“SHIT SHIT SHIT.” He explodes then, slapping himself in the head. “Oh fuck fuck fuck. No. I just-”

 

“Mikey, it’s okay. I understand. Don’t-”

 

“No, it’s not fucking okay.” Michael snaps. 

 

“I’d much rather you got drunk and kissed me than punched me like before.” Calum says weakly, a crap attempt at humour but Michael barely even acknowledges it. He is already unbuckling his seatbelt before the car has even slowed to a stop, and he leans forward to tell the driver to do just that. 

 

“Michael, you don’t-” Calum says, alarmed. 

 

“The hotel is just around the corner.” Michael assures him, but he’s refusing to make eye contact. 

 

“Then we can drop you…” he stops talking again, the car has crawled and is now unmoving, and Michael already has the door open. 

 

Without so much as a goodbye, he slams the door back shut and is left standing alone in the middle of a random road. Thankfully he was right, the hotel is just around the corner and he doesn’t meet anyone along the way back. He walks and lets the air nibble at his skin and it is actually nice, and he feels like he is going to throw up because he just kissed Calum. Not that he hates Calum or anything, he would rather kiss Calum than some random guy from a bar (excluding Evan) but… not whilst Calum is in a relationship with Ashton. He feels like such an awful person, and he knows that he fucks everything up. No matter how many times he drums it into his head that he is good for nothing but screwing everything over, it still hurts every time he realises it again. He can still taste the alcohol that he took from Calum’s lips and he remembers how Calum felt. He tensed underneath Michael’s sudden grip, he never relaxed into it or anything. It was all Michael’s fault… why hadn’t Calum got mad at him? It’s what he deserves. Every single thing he does just ruins something for somebody else and yet, all Calum does is tell him he understands, he hugs him, says it will all be okay. And how does Michael repay him? He kisses him which could lead to so many other bad things. It could get in the news somehow, it could ruin his relationship with Ashton… suddenly the uncontrollable feelings of guilt and misery and self-hatred and anger is all too much for him to stomach and just as he is about to reach the doors to the hotel, he doubles over and dry heaves for a moment before vomiting into the gutter. It’s only a little bit but alcohol tastes one hundred times worse coming out, it burns the back of his throat like acid and he barely notices anymore as more tears stream down his face. He just really hopes there’s no cameras around to see him. When he is pretty sure he is done, he stands back up straight and wipes his mouth with the back of his sleeve. There’s nobody around but he feels so filthy, so ashamed as he walks into the hotel. The door is one of those spinning ones that you have to go round on and that just makes him feel worse, he ends up going round twice by accident before falling out into the lobby. Doing his best to ignore the displeased stare from the man in the reception, he keeps his eyes on the marble floor as he crosses to the elevators. He goes up to their floor, still crying, and wonders what exactly the man was thinking. Is it obvious to everyone just how many stuff Michael has wrecked now? 

  
He is on the way to his room but he pauses when he gets to Luke’s door. He wishes it was his too. He wishes that they were sharing and that he could just go in, not having kissed Calum or thrown up on the street or just felt as fucking terrible as he does, but just go in and lie down and cuddle with the boy he loves. Maybe even be the little spoon for once, relax into Luke’s familiar chest and feel those big arms around him. Finally feel happy and safe and content for once. He feels weak, his legs tremble slightly and he falls against the door, luckily it doesn’t make a noise but he presses his head to the wood. His hand ghosts the door handle, not really sure why because it’s not like he can just walk in but then he has to pull it back anyway. Even if he could just go in, three’s a crowd. Arzaylea is in there, he can hear her horrible annoying snorty laughter. And… oh god, he can hear the bed knocking into the wall rhythmically. Feeling sick all over again, he turns a bit too fast and accidentally thuds against the door as he goes. Speeding up, he practically runs down the hallway to his own bedroom, before falling down onto the bed fully clothed. As per usual, alone, hating himself, wishing he wasn’t there… that’s definitely not new. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be more from Luke's point of view :-)


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's back, yay! Thank you all for your lovely comments, it meant a lot to me. This chapter definitely isn't great, I'm getting back into the swing of things - I've had exams and quite a lot of crap going on but hopefully the long long break won't happen again. :D 
> 
> This chapter features not exactly non-con, and the sex is not at all detailed - it just involves lots of persuasion and twisted ways of getting somebody to sleep with you. Idk if this is exactly a trigger, but just thought I would warn you anyway :)

“Where’s Luke?” Calum asks in a low voice to Ashton, who only shrugs his stage. 

 

They’re at soundcheck, there are rows of people who have paid to come and see this and ask them questions, and they’re all just waiting. Waiting for  _ Luke _ , who has decided he just doesn’t want to show up. Just as all of them are starting to get more and more irritated and Ashton has taken to making very weak attempts at humour to soften the mood, Luke walks onto the stage, as he goes he passes by Michael. The blue haired boy has been quiet all day, standing awkwardly and avoiding any eye contact with anyone. Avoiding eye contact with Calum because he feels so guilty and ashamed and humiliated, with Ashton because… well, Michael just snapped the bro-code in two. Even so, as always, the moment Luke is in the room he is instantly pulled towards the younger boy. He involuntarily lifts his eyes - and instantly regrets it. He feels slightly queasy as he notices the bright pink lipstick stains smudged all over Luke’s skin. Despite himself, he moves closer to the blonde boy and leans so close that nobody would hear, whispering softly, “You’ve got a little something here,” gesturing to his own neck. 

 

Despite himself, Michael feels a small smirk twist onto his face when Luke flushes bright red, eyes widening as he wipes at the mark. A few fans have obviously noticed, some of them laugh awkwardly. 

 

“Right, now that Hemmings has  _ finally  _ decided to join us,” Calum says in a fake cheerful voice, clapping his hands together, “Let’s get this show on the round!” 

 

At that, Michael smiles a little because Calum is always so sassy with his thoughts, and he is a little satisfied to sense Luke squirming uncomfortably beside him. When Calum makes eye contact with him though, he quickly feels the smile drop from his face and stares intently at the floor. 

 

“Sorry I’m late everyone.” Luke says into the microphone.

 

Usually they practice first, but they have been waiting for so long they just answer questions first. It’s kind of awkward, seeing as questions have to be approved and the majority of people obviously want to know why Luke is late, the ones that  _ are  _ being accepted are pretty boring. 

 

“Would you rather have a pet cat or a fish?” 

 

Ashton almost laughs at that question, but manages to answer smoothly, “Probably a cat, but one I’m not allergic to…”

 

“You don’t need a cat, you have me.” Calum stage whispers, and that is met by  _ awwws  _ and squeals from the crowd in front of them. 

 

Ultimately, it is one of the most boring soundchecks they have ever had. Any laughter is false or awkward, the questions are lame. The only thing keeping Michael awake is that once again, Luke is sat right beside him. Even if he has his stupid girlfriend’s lipstick all over his neck (his rubbing at it just smudged it further, Michael doesn’t have the heart to alert him of the alarmingly red mark blotching his skin), he still manages to give the older boy goosebumps. Just the feeling of his leg pressed so close to Michael’s, or the sound of his voice as he answers questions… it never fails. Michael’s heart won’t stop thudding and his head hurts and his chest aches. Love is meant to be a good thing but it just causes him pain - he can barely focus on the questions being asked. Add that to the exhaustion from barely being able to sleep and the guilt of kissing Calum weighing him down… he’s not in the best of moods. Honestly, he couldn’t be more relieved when they get up to run through some songs, but even then he is just all too aware of Calum’s lips being on his last night and how badly he has potentially hurt Ashton and… and  _ Luke _ . His fucking girlfirend is with them on  _ tour _ , just as they were all having fun together she has to come and fuck everything up. 

  
  
  


“Michael, is everything okay buddy?” Ashton asks from the opposite side of the dressing room, his eyes kind. 

 

That was the worst thing. Ashton was so  _ nice  _ and so  _ kind _ . He had been kind of harsh recently, but now that Michael has actually done something to hurt him, he’s back to his caring old self. Michael’s eyes dart wildly around the room, landing briefly on Calum, who has his back to him. He’s acting like it never even happened. 

 

“I’m great.” Michael replies, forcing a smile. “I’m  _ dandy _ . I’m on top of the motherfucking world.” 

 

Everybody stares at him blankly, eyes narrowed a little. Doing his best to ignore the fact that he is obviously  _ not  _ great, Michael just walks over to the mini fridge and grabs a bottle of water. “Honestly,” he insists, “I’m just peachy.” 

 

“So, Luke,” Calum speaks up, changing the subject as he turns around and sits on the chair, facing everyone, “What’s Arzaylea doing here?”

 

Anyone would notice how uncomfortable Luke suddenly looks, shifting nervously and wringing his fingers together, staring down at them. “I… I don’t know,” he admits, “I told her not to come and… well. Here she is.  _ Poof _ .” 

 

He’s the only one who has had a drink, most of the time they just wait until after the show but he’s already nearly finished his first red cup of beer. The others all exchange glances, nobody really sure how to respond. 

 

“You don’t seem very happy about it.” Ashton states, raising his eyebrows. “Are you not happy that she is here? Are you not happy with her? Does she not make you happy?”

 

“Alright!” Luke cuts him off, waving a hand. “You don’t just have to repeat the question multiple times!” 

 

He doesn’t answer the question, no matter how many times Ashton asked. Instead, his face just turns a shade of pink and he downs the last of his drink before getting up and storming from the room, leaving a silence in his wake. There’s a long pause, nobody doing anything, until Ashton gets to his feet and moves to sit beside Calum. They smile at eachother like they’ve been rewarded the world, there is so much love in their eyes and it almost makes Michael’s stomach sick. His insides all twist and flip in one hundred different directions because he’s  _ ruining  _ so much love. But then, neither of them are acting any different. Understandable that Ashton isn’t as he doesn’t actually know but why doesn’t Calum look guilty? Why isn’t he stiff and tense and… 

 

“I’m going to go and see how Luke is.” Ashton says, and he shoots a weird look in Michael’s direction. Almost like,  _ seeing as you aren’t going to _ . He still smiles though, he even gently squeezes Michael’s arm, a gesture of comfort. 

 

_ Oh god,  _ Michael curses under his breath. Last time they were alone together, he snogged Calum. He wants to leave, he can’t handle it, but then curiosity gets the better of him. 

 

“Why haven’t you told him?” He asks, voice so quiet it’s almost inaudible. “And… and why aren’t you mad at me?” 

 

Calum looks slightly taken aback, he frowns a little as he studies Michael. It takes ages for him to say anything in response, so long it just gets awkward again. Getting to his feet, he moves across the room and pulls a chair to sit beside Michael, putting an arm around his shoulders. 

 

“Mikey, it was just a drunken kiss. Mates kiss all the time, it’s nothing to worry about.”

 

“But-”

“Honestly. It doesn’t mean anything. I’m in love with Ash, and you…” He hesitates, before simply saying, “Luke.” 

 

“I don’t love him.” Michael whispers, “I can’t. He… he brought  _ her _ .”

 

“He didn’t bring her, Mikey. She just turned up, and in case you didn’t notice… he’s clearly not very happy with her.” 

 

“That’s not the point right now. The point is, Cal, I messed up. I fucked everything up like I always do, and you have to tell Ashton!” 

 

Calum shushes him softly, squeezing him tighter. “I’m not going to tell Ash. I’m not at all angry, but he might be. One small stupid mistake is not enough to make him mad, okay?”

 

It’s not fair, Michael thinks to himself. Why is Calum so understanding, so kind? It just makes it even worse that Michael jeopardised everything for him. He feels so damned guilty that before he can even fully process it, tears are streaming down his cheeks and splashing down onto his lap, a small whining noise escapes his throat. When Calum practically yanks the older boy into his lap, it seems like a whole haven of safety. It’s all okay, Calum isn’t mad, nobody will be mad. Ashton will never find out. It seems so horrible, keeping something like that from Ash but Calum is right, it’s just to stop anything from getting worse. It’ll be okay. He tells that to himself at least, and he is doing his best to force it to be reality. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“That was such a great show!” Luke says, doing his best to make his grin believable as he pulled his shirt over his head. “I’m just so exhausted now.” 

 

“Why don’t we go out?” Arzaylea asks, pouting her lips so that she resembles a sulky child - Luke does his best not to roll his eyes at her. 

 

Shrugging his shoulders, he then starts to unbuckle his belt, focusing all of his attention on that so he doesn’t have to look at her. He just really doesn’t want to go out with her. As much as he tries to hide this, she clearly latches onto the fact that  _ something  _ is bothering her boyfriend. She shuffles over to him, cupping her hand around his chin, jerking his face up to meet her gaze. 

 

“Lukey.” She says, “Why aren’t you happy I’m here?” 

 

Usually, he would lie. He would say  _ I promise you, I love you, I’m so happy to see you!  _ And he would know to kiss her and hug her, act like any normal boyfriend would. He still has some alcohol in his system though, and his mind is a mess because all he can even think about is fucking Michael, so instead he just steps away from her. 

 

“Didn’t ask you to come.” He mutters, going to sit on the bed, jeans now off and on the floor. 

 

She narrows her eyes, turning to face him with a stern expression, “What’s gotten into you?”

 

When he doesn’t reply, she takes a different approach. Make him feel bad. She scrunches up her face and forces tears to seep from her eyes, sniffing as she wraps her arms tightly around herself. It’s obviously an act but of course, Luke falls for it. Biting his lip nervously, he gets up and hurries over to her. 

 

“Don’t cry, Arz. I just meant… well, it was a surprise, right?”

 

“Lukey, I don’t know what you want from me.” She sobs, shaking her head and flinching away from his touch. “I just wanted to spend some time with you, you’re my fucking  _ boyfriend _ , I thought it would be nice. I try so hard to make you happy, Luke, and you just throw it all back in my face!” 

 

Even though there is nobody with them, Luke’s eyes wildly fly around the room, looking for somebody to come and help him because he doesn’t know how to deal with crying people. He’s only ever been able to calm Michael down… He needs to stop thinking about Michael, he scolds himself. 

 

“I’m not throwing anything in your face.” He says desperately, “Your face is not going to be met with flying objects!” 

 

“Fucking hell Luke,” Arzaylea snaps suddenly, “You really aren’t good at being a boyfriend.” 

 

She must notice how suddenly taken aback he looks, because she instantly returns to pretending to cry. Pulling him closer, she begins to desperately press kisses to his neck, his cheek, his lips. For a second he just stands, not really sure what to do because he just… he really doesn’t enjoy kissing her. When her hands tousle into his hair though and she begins to walk him back towards the bed, he awkwardly kisses back. They flop down onto the mattress together, shuffling up so that Luke is leaning against the headboard, she is straddling his lap. He’s all too aware of the fact that he is wearing nothing but boxers and her hands are beginning to ghost down over his dick. Michael’s room is less than a minute away, he can’t do this. 

 

“Arzaylea,” he whispers, “I don’t-”

 

“Shh.” she cuts him off, suckling at the skin of his neck. He only likes when Michael is doing that to him. 

 

“No.” he mumbles, “I don’t want to do this-”

 

“Shut up.” She pleads, desperately continuing to shower him with kisses. Her hands side to the material of his boxers and she is sliding them off. “Please do this for me. It’ll make me feel better. You’ve really upset me, this is the only way…”

 

So even though he really doesn’t want to and has blatantly been saying no, she  _ still  _ manages to get into his head. She  _ still  _ manages to control him. She doesn’t make his heart race faster and the touch of her hand on his thigh doesn’t make goosebumps pattern his skin, her words don’t sound like a sweet song and her hair is too silky rather than Michael’s fluffy and soft hair that he loves to tangle his hands into. Closing his eyes, he kisses her back. They have sex. They don’t make love, they just have sex. 

 

“I just needed to make sure you are still mine.” She breathes against his ear, “Not his.  _ Mine _ .” 

 

“I know.” He whispers in response. “You’re only doing this… because you love me.”

 

“And because you love me.” 

  
“Right.” He says with uncertainty. “Right.” 


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knoooow another short and late chapter. I'm trying to improve I swear - I keep procrastinating with Hamilton the musical and writing other stuff but I'll be back in the swing of Love Me in a few days I'm sure... I hope... 
> 
> PS. Tour will be starting up again in a few chapters time, they are on a break before heading to London. Where it all started.... c;

The Asia leg of their tour has come to an end, and honestly, Michael is not at all unhappy. It’s all been too much, being in such close proximity of Arzaylea and Luke, being with Calum and Ashton when he knows that he is so close to burning their relationship to the ground. Calum is being so relaxed about it, it’s hard to imagine - even if he was drunk, it’s still a huge mistake. Another thing to add to his list of failures. It’s weird… he’s getting a plane home on his own, and nobody even recognises him on the walk through the airport because there’s hardly anyone around, and the fans all assume he’s going back to LA. No, he’s going  _ home _ . He’s been unhappy for too long, and he really needs to see his mum. Honestly, he is probably more excited to see her than he has been for tour. He’s loved seeing the fans, and he always loves playing of course, but… it’s just not the same. He’s only going for a week though - believe it or not, he has really been missing Evan, too. The plane journey is pretty boring on his own, but it’s better than the flight to Osaka was. The tension brewing between himself and Luke was unbearable. He spends the majority of the journey silently cursing Arzaylea. He hates her. He doesn’t often say he hates people but he will make exceptions for that…  _ thing.  _

 

The moment he gets off of the plane, he can see his dad waiting to pick him up. For once, Michael isn’t flanked by security guards. It feels like home already.  

 

“Dad.” He exhales weakly, he’s missed him so much it’s unbelievable. He almost collapses when he wraps his arms around the slightly shorter man. He blinks back his tears thinking  _ why the fuck am I crying?  _ But he doesn’t even care. It’s kind of stupid, it feels like all he has needed through these months and months of pain and heartache is to see his parents. That is one of the only things he hates about being on tour, living in London and LA…. family is the most important thing to him. Daryl cries a little too, they’re having a more emotional reunion than anyone else, despite the fact that they are surrounded by screaming couples. 

 

“Come on,” Daryl laughs, “Let’s go home before anyone spots you. You must be exhausted.” 

 

Michael laughs too, it’s slightly shaky - he is strangely overwhelmed with feelings as he and his dad walk through the airport and out into the carpark. 

 

“How is mum?” Michael asks. 

 

“She’s great. Missing you though, of course.” He replies with a grin, and then he reaches up to ruffle Michael’s bush of blue hair, it’s messed up from sleeping a little on the plane. “And worried about your hair falling out soon. It suits you.”

 

“Thanks.” Michael says, “Remember the first time I dyed my hair?”

 

“Of course.” Daryl chuckles, reaching for his key to unlock the car. “Your mum went mad.” 

 

The reminiscing continues for the majority of the drive, and for the first time in ages Michael has seemed to completely forget Luke. He’s not even talking about the band, just old times, and it feels wonderful. It’s like the moment he gets home, everything just slips away and he can be a child again. It’s not very punk rock of him but he wants nothing more than to have a nice dinner with his parents, to snuggle with them on the sofa as they watch some crappy family cartoon movie and then go up to sleep in his old bed. The moment the car stops, Michael is unbuckling his seatbelt and forgetting his suitcase, just jumping out and rushing a bit too fast to pull his mother into a hug, she’s waiting on the doorstep. 

 

“Mum.” He breathes, and this time he doesn’t bother to hold back the tiny tears that fall from his eyes. “I’ve missed you so so so fuc- so much.” 

 

Karen laughs at his hasty amendment to cover his swear, he really is still her little boy at heart. “Oh baby, I’ve missed you too.” 

 

It feels good to be home, better than good. It feels amazing, and not just to be home but to be here, able to be a child again. Despite their extremely close relationship, Michael finds it surprisingly difficult to say things like  _ I love you  _ and to let his parents say it back. But when his mum utters the words, he just cries a little more, squeezing her tight. 

 

“I’ve got some lasagna cooking in the oven.” Karen says when they have broken apart.

 

That’s such a familiar sentence that Michael laughs, and his dad does too. That’s just a classic Karen statement really. Karen looks confused but doesn’t ask, just sighs and goes off into the kitchen, leaving Michael and Daryl to exchange looks with raised eyebrows and a  _ watch out  _ look. Just like old times. Nobody really mentions it, but Michael can just tell that both of his parents are waiting for him to say something about why he is there. Why he isn’t partying with Luke and Calum and Ash - why he is home, smiling with dead eyes and actually admitting he loves his parents to their faces. Something is wrong with him, that is obvious - but thankfully, the conversation isn’t attempted as they eat in the kitchen. 

 

“How was tour?” Karen asks, “You better have been eating properly.” 

 

Michael smiles, “Of course I have. You know me, I eat like a horse.” 

 

“And tour?” Daryl prompts, smiling at his son round a forkful of lasagna. 

 

“It was amazing.” Michael does his best to sound enthusiastic but even to his own ears, he knows that it is a lame attempt. Deciding not to speak any further of it though, Michael begins to intently focus on spearing a leaf of lettuce on his fork. He’s pretty good at avoiding things, but never with his parents - yet for some reason they aren’t forcing him to talk about anything. They haven’t even mentioned the fact that he was in hospital recently, they must have seen it on the news or something but they are keeping quiet. 

 

“And are you sleeping properly?” His mother asks gently, regarding him with a somehow soft expression of sternness.

 

“Uh… alright, I guess.” The boy mutters, wishing they would just stop talking. He understands their concern, of course, his insomnia causes him all sorts of problems. Also, both of his parents feel guilty for not really accepting that he had insomnia earlier. They would always tell him off, say it was his fault he was so tired, he should have gone to sleep earlier. Sometimes they would scold him for staying up watching a film or playing games, or going on his phone - they didn’t really realise that he physically  _ couldn’t  _ sleep. 

 

“Alright you guess?” Karen echoes, voice hardening slightly. “Do you need medication again?” 

 

“Karen…” Michael’s dad saved him from that talk, medication didn’t work for him - sometimes he would purposely take one too many, it got dangerous. 

 

The rest of the meal took place in awkward and strained silence, the only things that Michael’s parents wanted to talk about were any hardships he could be going through, why he was home, why he looked so tired and miserable, but they didn’t want to ask because that would just make things weirder. 

 

“Thanks for dinner mum.” Michael says quietly, “But um… I’m jetlagged. Mind if I go…?”

 

“Of course, go upstairs honey.” Karen says with a smile, and they all get to their feet to say goodnight. 

 

The moment Michael is upstairs, he realises he hasn’t been in his bedroom in so long. His bags are already on the floor, his dad must have brought them up. It’s so weird. His old room… the curtains are open, the moon shining in from the outside - he used to always have them pulled shut so that the light of the sun wouldn’t glare on his TV and disrupt his gaming. He laughs a little as he looks at his game collection, all still there - he used to be so obsessed. He still has the same sheets on his freshly made bed - it is all so clean, nothing like how he used to have it. Well, he never had it  _ not  _ clean, especially in comparison to most other teenage boys, but cleaner. Dusted and hoovered. Even so, it brings memories flooding into his mind at such a rate they almost ache. Calum sleeping over and they would stay up for ages playing Call Of Duty or Fifa slumped on his bed, or the rare times Ashton would come over and the two of them would hang out alone - it would always start slightly awkward but by the time Ashton left neither of them wanted it to happen. The posters he and Calum had put up together still decorated the walls and… his first ever guitar. It sits in the corner of the room and he feels a strange yearn for it, he goes over and picks it up, it seems small and worn but also so  _ perfect _ . He used to always play it when Luke would come round pretty much every day after school, Calum would be playing football and Ashton would be working so they would always end up filming videos on their own. Mostly they would go over to LUke’s house for that but still. Luke slept on the bed a few times, they would sleep next to each other. Obviously then it meant absolutely nothing, just two friends having a sleepover but now he wants nothing more than to be fifteen again. 

 

“Strange, isn’t it?” 

 

Michael jumps a little, turning to see his mother standing in the doorway, watching him closely with a smile on her face.  

 

“Yeah.” He agrees, nodding his head. “It’s like I never left.”

 

“Yeah.” Karen enters the room properly and stands close to Michael, reaching up a hand and stroking it gently across his cheek. “Like you’re still my little boy.” 

 

“I wish.” Michael whispers. 

 

The two are quiet for a little while, but then Karen suggests making hot chocolate and goes off to the kitchen to make it. Michael undresses and pulls on some sweatpants and a shirt from his wardrobe, they are kind of old but they still fit pretty well. There’s no sign of his father as he goes back downstairs, meeting his mother back at the kitchen table just as she places down a mug of steaming hot cocoa. She adds whipped cream and some marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles just like he used to always have. For a moment, Karen just watches him closely, carefully. Eventually though, curiosity gets the better of her. 

 

“Mikey, I am so glad to see you again, I’m so glad you’re home.”

 

“I’m glad too.” Michael replies with a confused look. 

 

“But I can’t keep pretending it’s not obvious something is wrong. You came home the moment you could and I know for a fact that the other boys are all still in Shanghai, partying and living the life of celebrities. I love you Michael and I know when something is up - you are miserable.”

 

“I’m not.” Michael murmurs, avoiding meeting her eyes, but she gets frustrated and sits down in a chair right beside him, moving closer to him. 

 

“Michael, tell me what’s bothering you. Please?”  

 

Maybe it’s because she says please, but it’s more likely that Michael is tired of bottling everything up, and the moment the opportunity rises, everything is just ready to spill out of him like a bubbling mess. He tells her everything, every single detail (well, not too much detail, he doesn’t want to tarnish her ears) about when he started sleeping with Luke,and then when he fucked up by saying he didn’t love him, and then when it all just went downhill from there. As he recounts the miserable story that has been his life for the past year, she remains quiet, but she mumbles small words of comfort. And words of disappointment when he admits that he got a bit too addicted to drugs and drinking, but other than that, she is just a steady source of comfort. 

 

“And now he has this girlfriend, and I have no right to be jealous because I’m the one who called it off with him. And I have Evan. I just… I know he isn’t happy with her. But this is all my fault, I’m the only one to blame for all of this shit.”

 

She doesn’t even bother to scold him for swearing, but she suddenly frowns and looks frustrated. “Michael, this isn’t all your fault.” 

 

“Did you even listen to the story? It is all my fault, I fucked everything up mum, like I  _ always  _ do.”

 

“Michael Clifford, you listen to me right now.” She cuts him off with a sharp tongue. “Yes, you made mistakes and you need to apologise to Luke for any part you had in this. But he has to apologise too - for walking away when you admitted you loved him. If he had stayed, you wouldn’t have ended up in hospital-”

“I had no right to say all that stuff after I broke his heart and said I was  _ using  _ him-”

 

“Michael.” Karen says again, using her sternest voice. “It sounds like  _ all  _ of you boys need to talk think sout. You should be enjoying this life you are so lucky to be living, and you should be with the boy you love and you should have your best friends by your side. Okay? Go to LA, and make up with them.”

 

“Okay.” Michael says, and the two of them move closer and wrap each other up into tight hugs. Michael cries again, burying his face into her shoulder because he has held everything in for so long and he just really needed to tell his mum about it all. Then he realises something, and moves back, away from the hug just for a moment. 

 

“Wait. You didn’t even know I was gay-”

 

Karen chuckles. “Well, I knew you liked hot girls and boobs. But… deep down I think I knew.”

 

“And you’re not mad?”

 

That just makes her look offended, she shakes her head. “Of  _ course  _ I’m not mad, you ridiculous boy.” 

 

And for once, everything seems like it’s perfect. Michael forgets about all the drama because he finally let it all out to someone other than a stranger (even though Evan helps), he just needed to be at home with his mum. And now he knows the next thing to do - he needs to make everything better with his friends. Even if he can’t be with Luke completely… he wants his best friend back. 

 

“Goodnight, mum.” He says, “I love you.”

 

“I love you too, honey.” 

  
Being back in his own bed in his old bedroom really helps, Michael falls asleep pretty much the moment he is comfortable enough, and he doesn’t have any horrible dreams. Maybe everything will be okay now that he has advice from his mother  she is  _ always  _ right. She has to be. 


	42. Chapter 42

It’s been a week since Michael has seen any of the guys, and one part of him thinks that is way too long and another part thinks it’s not long enough. It felt good to spend some time in Australia with his family but… it’s time to sort all of this mess out. Thanking the driver, he gets out of the car and walks up the drive to their house, he’s not seen it in forever. It does kind of feel like his real home now. Not in the same way it felt to be back home in Australia, but the place he will always feel closest to his best friends. Funnily enough, none of them are in. The only person who even seemed to realise that Mikey wasn’t with them on the way back from the Asia leg of their tour was Calum, who was relentlessly texting him and snapchatting him and tweeting him. None of the others said anything about it, but he can’t be surprised. Using his key to unlock the door, he dumps his bags in the hallway and walks straight to the kitchen. He opens the fridge and does his best to ignore the stacks of beer, instead taking out a bottle of flavoured water and as he is heading up to his room, he remembers the promise he made before getting onto his flight. He told his mother that the first thing he did would be to go and speak to Luke. They need to sort all this mess out before they leave to go to the UK - it’ll be way too hard to return to the pace where their ‘relationship’ started, but made even worse if they are still at wars with each other. Of course, he is terrified of confronting the younger boy but it has to be done. He showers and changes into some new clothes before phoning Calum to ask where everybody is. 

 

“You’re home!?” Calum practically bursts Michael’s eardrum when his best friend yells down the phone to him. “It’s about time! We’re at some pool party. Come hang out!”

 

For the entire journey to the address that Calum texts him, Michael is panicking internally. He has no clue what he is supposed to say. He knows that Luke is there, he heard him in the background of the phone call. It’s not like he is some scary thing… he’s little adorable Luke who would supposedly never hurt a fly (even if he  _ did  _ manage to crush Michael’s heart a million times) but it makes him anxious just thinking about it. His legs won’t stop shaking and his stomach is twisting into knots, all he can focus on is any bad response he could possibly get from trying to speak to Luke. He’ll do it though, he  _ will _ . They get stuck in traffic but he’s not in the slightest bit annoyed, it just adds more time until he has to face his new biggest fear. He can’t get away with just  _ ignoring  _ him anymore. He actually has to speak to him, they have to sort things out. Somehow, he actually manages to pump himself up in the wait. By the time the car pulls up, he feels slightly more determined. He thanks the driver and says goodbye, walks up the drive. Even smiles a little when he hears the familiar sound of an LA party - loud music blaring shouts and laughing, people splashing as they dive into the pool. Even if he can’t drink, he will still have fun. He finds himself wishing that Evan were here too, but he can go and see him later. He doesn’t bother knocking on the door or anything, nobody else seems to be. He wonders what kind of party this is, because usually you can’t just walk in at the things that the boys go to, but doesn’t really think about it much. He’s trying to only think about the script he has planned in his head. 

 

_ Hi Luke! We need to talk. I hurt you, I lied to you about not loving you and only using you for sex. We both said and did bad things, let’s just make up and forget it all! Do you agree? Great! BFFLS!!! _

 

Well… that would never happen. But still. His well thought out script doesn’t work at all, though. When he goes out into the throng of people in the garden, his eyes immediately land on the three boys, all sat together by the pool drinking beers. Neither of them have noticed him yet, and that’s a good thing - they can’t call him over or anything. The moment he sees Luke, everything freezes. He’s been okay (that’s a bit of an optimistic word) seeing Luke on tour but now… now that he has to actually talk things through, it’s too difficult. And  _ Calum _ … he  _ kissed  _ Calum. How could he have forgotten that? He completely betrayed Ashton’s trust, and he doesn’t belong here. They’re all happy without him, he will just fuck things up even more if he tries to solve anything that may be happening between himself and Luke. His breaths are quickening alongside his heartbeat and the flow of his blood that is making his skin flush bright red, and he has no choice but to turn and run straight back through the house and out the front door, back onto the street. It’s just around the corner from the beach, he decides to go there and find his way home to save sitting in a boiling hot car in traffic. Not even close. He’s barely taken a few steps when he hears someone call to him, a voice he hates to admit that he recognises. 

 

“Michael.” 

 

Begrudgingly, he turns to face Arzaylea. She is watching him with a mingled fury and a sarcastic smile. “It’s great to see you.”

 

“Yeah.” He lies flatly, not even bothering to pretend to be happy like she is. He’s not that much of a bitch. “You too.”

 

“I’m guessing you’re here to see Luke?”

 

“I was here to see everyone. My band. Not just Luke. But would that be a problem?” He says, hearing his own harsh tone but not caring in the slightest. Why would he care what she thinks? Even seeing her though makes him feel frightened, not for himself but for Luke. It’s clear to Michael that Luke isn’t happy with her. Nobody would be, she seems like a brat. 

 

“Actually, it would be a problem.” 

 

“What?”

 

“You really need to back off, Michael.” 

 

“Back off? From what? From spending time with my best friends?”

 

“Luke isn’t  _ your  _ anything. He’s  _ mine _ . I’ve had him completely alone with you in a different country for a week and he is acting like a dog who has no bone to chew on. He needs to realise you are nothing of worth to him.”

 

“Arzaylea, what the fuck are you saying?” Michael asks and he is genuinely confused, his head begins to ache.  He only came here to try and soothe the tension, he doesn’t want to add anything else to the mix. “I’m allowed to spend some time with my band.”

 

“Not if it’s screwing with my relationship with Luke.”

 

“Wha-”

 

“Just fuck off, okay? Go home. Don’t make things worse with Luke by trying to  _ sort things  _ out with him or whatever you are here to do.”

 

“I want to have my friendship with him back, that’s all. You have no idea what you’re tal-”

 

“I know exactly what I am talking about.” She cuts him off in a near hiss, glaring daggers. “Get out of here. You’re not starting anything back up with him. You should end it.”

 

“You have no right to tell me-”

 

“Maybe you should just end  _ yourself _ . You’re not worth anything here.”

 

And with that, she turns and leaves, going back into the house. Michael stands in dumb shock for a second, not really sure what just happened. If he knew nothing about her before, he now knows exactly what she is: a freaking psychopath. Usually somebody telling him to kill himself would hurt but when it comes from her… not so much. Even so, her words did leave a mark on him. He feels a chill running down his bones. If she is that protective of Luke… well. It can’t be good for the guy. 

 

“Mikey..” 

At first, he thinks it is Arzaylea again, back to shove him into the road so he gets hit by a car or something, but then he notices Ash standing a little bit behind him, looking horrified. 

 

“Hi Ashton.” He says weakly, and then suddenly he feels like breaking. He can’t ever have anything with Luke, even if he wants to. There is no point trying to make things better because when they are together, they just end up holding knives to one another’s backs. 

 

“I heard every single word she just said.” Ashton says softly, shaking his head. “You were right. She’s not good for him.”

 

Without really saying anything else, they hug for a long time and then begin to walk towards the beach. Michael wants to say that he is sorry and that he has missed him and that it is so good to see him and loads more but he is scared that if he does, he will end up spilling about the kiss. When they get to the beach, they find a bench to sit on and Ash goes to get them both some drinks. He gets himself a bottle of water, Mikey a soda. The moment they are both sat next to one another, Ashton sniffs and Michael realises he is  _ crying _ . 

 

“Ash?” He asks gently. “What’s the matter?”

 

The older boy wipes a few tears from his cheeks before turning to look at Michael. “I’ve been such a dick to you. I’ve only been worrying about Luke and… and you’ve been so sad. I didn’t know.” 

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“I saw you come into the party,” Ashton says, ignoring that. “And your face lit up the moment your eyes saw Luke. And then you turned and you ran and I followed and she said all that and it’s like… I don’t know. I don’t even know how I didn’t really let myself see it but… you’re not hurting Luke because you want to. You’re not just telling us all that Arzaylea isn’t right for him because you’re jealous. It’s because… because you are sad. And you love him. And she is fucking crazy.” 

 

Both of them laugh and then Ashton wraps his arm tightly around the younger boy, pulling him in for a hug. 

 

“I’m so sorry.” He says, placing a kiss almost shyly to Mikey’s blue hair. 

 

“It’s okay, Ash. It’s not even your fault. I fucked loads of things up for the band and all of the drink and the drugs… I understand. And I forgive you, not that you have anything to be forgiven for.” 

 

Ashton clearly disagrees about that last part but doesn’t say anything more to protest. They sit quietly, talking about Ashton’s relationship with Cal (which makes Michael feel terrible when he remembers the feel of Calum’s lips against his own) and how good it felt to go back to Australia and how amazing tour was. Ash mentions an idea he had for a song the past week but inevitably, the conversation is kind of forced to return to that of Luke. 

 

“He needs to end things with her.” Ashton says softly. 

 

“I know.” Michael agrees. “But we can’t exactly force him.”

 

“No.” Ashton says, but he gets to his feet and holds out a hand which Michael takes, allowing the older boy to pull him up. “But we can talk to him.”

 

They return to the party, and they go and say hi to Calum who has somehow ended up manning the barbeque. 

 

“Michael! I was wondering when you were going to show up!” He yells with a grin. “I would hug you but you know, I don’t want to burn the sausages.” 

 

Eventually, they find Luke. To both of their relief, Arzaylea isn’t there trying to protect her property or whatever. The youngest boy is  sat with his legs in the pool as he smokes a joint, tilting his head back to bask in the sun.  

 

“Luke.” Ashton says loudly, having to nudge him with his foot to get him to hear them over the music. Opening his eyes, he smiles at the sight of Ash but when he realises Michael is there, his face just freezes to one of no emotion whatsoever and he gets up. He can’t keep that up for long though, and soon seeing Michael gets to him and his eyes darken a little with what could be nearing tears. He blinks them away, taking a drag of his joint. The smell gets to Michael a little but he manages to ignore it, instead just focusing on those blue eyes that he has missed so much. 

 

“What do you want?” Luke asks, pointedly directing the question to Ashton and to Ashton only. 

 

“To talk to you.”

 

“Does it have to be now? Can it wait?”

 

“No, it’s important.”

 

Sighing and rolling his eyes like he has been distracted from something that is actually important, Luke turns and leads the way into the house, they enter the kitchen just as a couple are leaving. They wait for Luke to pour himself a glass of what looks like rum before Ashton begins to speak - both of them agreed it was probably best for Ashton to say it. 

 

“Luke, we’re…” he starts, but then catches sight of Michael shaking his head hurriedly. “ _ I’m  _ worried about you. And your relationship with Arzaylea.”

 

“And why is that?

 

Ashton explains about what he overheard outside the house and how it’s obvious but he’s somehow only just noticed that Luke is definitely the opposite of  _ happy  _ and  _ in love  _ when he is with her. He points out that if they were happy together, Luke surely would have been more excited when she joined them in Shanghai  and just that they’re not exactly right together. The whole time, Luke is silent, focusing intently on Ashton as he speaks. That leaves Michael to stare freely. He admires the beauty of course but also notices the expression on his face as reacts. He looks sad. Like it’s true and he doesn’t want to admit it, like the fact that he is so unhappy pains him. And that causes Michael’s heart to ache. When Ashton is done, there is silence. He expects Luke to admit that it’s true, or at least to just say he appreciates the concern. 

 

“Ashton, I’m not an idiot.” He says coldly. “It’s clear that this isn't you talking. This is  _ him _ .” He jabs an accusing finger in Michael’s direction. “This is him wanting to hurt me, like he always does. He wants me to break up with Arzayela so that I will be with him and he can break my heart all over again.”

 

“Luke, that’s not-”

 

“It is. If you don’t mind, I want you to fuck off now. I’m going to go and fuck my girlfriend.” He smirks at Michael as he says that, knowing that it would hurt. “I’m going to go and fuck her into the pillows and then I’ll sleep next to her all night. With the girl I love.”

 

“Luke-”

 

“Shut up, Ash. I’m out of here.” 

  
He leaves. Ashton looks like he is about to say something sympathetic to reassuring but Michael doesn’t give him a chance. He needs Evan. Leaving Ashton alone in the kitchen, he does what he does best: runs away from the pain. 


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update is kind of on the short side!

 

“Evan!” Michael gasps the moment the older man opens the door, feeling such a sense of relief it overwhelms him. Looking slightly bewildered but pleased all the same, Evan steps aside to let Michae in, the two of them hug a little awkwardly but it still feels good to Michael, being wrapped in the familiar, muscular arms. He breathes in the scent of aftershave that is now all too common of a thing that calms his down when he is panicking or going through a rough time. 

 

“Fucking hell, have I missed you.” Michael breathes into Evan’s chest, and the latter laughs lightly. 

 

“I’ve missed you too, Mikey.” 

 

They could get all of the talking out of the way first, but Michael is in a state and really needs to feel good for a while and they haven’t seen each other in so long, so they immediately begin to kiss. It’s passion and lust and heat. Not  _ love,  _ but there is definitely safety and warming comfort. Neither of them question it further, as they make their way together through to Evan’s bedroom they are already tearing at one another’s clothes, fingers on buttons and pulling at zips and soon they are both naked. Falling down onto the bed is like some numbing agent. Michael’s not had sex in so fucking long and it feels so good to be with somebody again, and even if it isn’t Luke, Evan is the next best thing. Definitely  _ not  _ Calum… 

 

_ No, don’t think about that,  _ He scolds himself,  _ think about this.  _

 

So he does. Any memories from tour or the toxic scorn of Arzaylea fades away and it’s as if he can just kiss it all away. Their limbs tangle together and they fight like it’s a warzone for dominance. As usual, Michael wins and gets to top, laughing almost childishly as he teasingly promises to take care of Evan. For a moment, he forgets that it isn’t Luke - he is always doing that. It’s so easy to think those killer legs and that beautiful blonde hair and those gorgeous blue eyes are Luke’s. He always has to try so hard to shake it off because that is unhealthy as hell, imagining  _ somebody else _ . Honestly though, Evan probably expects it given their circumstances. 

 

Once they have finished and are both a sweaty, panting pair between the sheets, Evan turns to look at Michael, serious concern clear in his eyes. 

 

“What happened?” He asks, sighing as he says it because he is still worn out. 

 

“So much.” Michael whispers. 

 

Just like he had done to his mother, he recounted how awful the tour was in every single detail… leaving out the little fact about kissing Calum because for some reason, if they were just friends with benefits or whatever they wanted to call it, he felt like it was some kind of betrayal to not just the band but also to  _ Evan _ . The one thing he didn’t tell his mother that he does tell Evan are the events of LA, returning home and going to talk to Luke, to sort everything out… and having it all shattered by stupid troll Arzaylea. 

 

“And now Luke is off fucking her somewhere just to make a point to us and it is so obvious that she is  _ poison _ . I’m so worried about him, Evan.”

 

“Mikey.” Evan replies softly, almost tutting at he speaks. “You know… don’t worry about Luke. Worry about  _ yourself _ .”

 

“But it’s my fault he’s even  _ with  _ her.” 

 

“No it’s not. He makes his own decisions.”

 

They talk a bit more and somehow, Evan is actually able to help Michael to relax and to just forget about all the bad stuff and the dramas of his fragile heart for a little while. They tay in bed until it’s dark outside and the moon is shining on the windows. 

 

“Want to go out and get some dinner?” Evan offers, but Michael shakes his head. 

 

“I… I don’t know if I’m ready to go out again.” He says, laughing flatly as he sniffs miserably. 

 

Evan just smiles understandingly, stroking a hand absently through Michael’s fading blue hair. “Okay. I’ll order pizza.”

 

He gets up to find his phone, leaving Michael alone in the bed. This could be a nice life. No fame and paparazzi, no drama… just living in this little apartment with Evan forever. It’s quiet and comfortable and he doesn’t have to worry about anything because if anything, he knows he has a trustworthy friend who he could actually be coming to love. Not in the way he loves Luke or anything, but as a best friend. As a rock. It’s weird, in comparison to the boys it’s like he would barely know Evan and not trust him at all but it’s become the opposite… he can tell Evan  _ anything _ . At that moment, his phone buzzes on the bedside table, he hesitates a little because he really just wants to escape from anything social for a little bit, but eventually temptation gets the better of him and he picks it up. 

 

_ New text from: Ashton _ . 

 

He opens it, and as he reads it his heart drops and any feeling of content evaporates into thin air. 

 

_ Mikey, I know things are rough. We’ll sort things, Luke will see sense soon. Try not to do anything you will regret. Love you man. X _

 

“It’s not fair!” Michael says out loud by accident - he meant to say it in his head. 

 

“What’s not fair?” Evan asks, returning to the bedroom with a smile and sitting down on the end of the bed. 

 

_ That Ashton is such a nice guy ( _ despite their rocky relationship recently)  _ and I fucking kissed his boyfriend and fucked everything up like I always do and he has no idea and there is no way I can keep this secret even if Calum is right and I lose one of my best friends.  _

 

“Nothing.” He says, forcing a smile that is obviously way too bright, Evan looks at him with raised eyebrows but doesn’t question him anymore. 

 

They pick a movie to watch on Netflix and sit so close to one another their bodies are practically melded into one as they eat pizza from the box. It would be so relaxing but there is still one more thing he has to tell and it is weighing him down too much… 

 

“I kissed Calum.” he blurts out when they are at the emotional part of the film. 

 

For a moment Evan doesn’t say anything, just watches Michael with a level stare. “Is that what’s got you so agitated?” He asks at last, and Michael nods his head - why doesn’t Evan look upset? “And I’m guessing Ashton doesn’t know?”

 

“Of course he doesn’t know, telling him would have been the  _ right  _ thing and… I never do the right thing.” Michael says moodily. 

 

He expected Evan to be at least a  _ little  _ upset but the older of the two just looks at him with carefully sympathetic eyes. He doesn’t speak for a little bit more but instead lifts his hand, stroking it soothingly against Michael’s cheek , it makes the blue haired boy want to close his eyes and go to sleep. 

 

“How does Calum feel about everything?”

 

“He says he isn’t mad or anything. He says it was just a kiss and that it doesn’t mean anything but… but he says it will mean something to Ashton. And if he finds out he will probably chop me up and drop all my body parts into the ocean or whatever.” 

 

Evan laughs quietly, smiling fondly at Michael, his hands moving to now play with his tufts of hair. 

 

“I’m sure he wouldn’t do such a thing to your body parts. But… if Calum doesn’t mind and if  _ you  _ know it didn’t mean anything… maybe he is right. Just forget it ever happened, Ashton doesn’t need to know.” 

 

“How can I keep such a massive secret from him, though?” Michael asks, voice weakening.

 

“You have to try.” 

 

Yes. Evan is the only person who can seem to ever fully calm Michael down… he is so lucky to have a friend in him. Maybe he will eventually come to terms with never being able to be with Luke after all. 

 

________________________________

 

Michael doesn’t even remember returning home the previous night but when he is awoken in the morning, he finds himself back in his bed, back in his room in LA for the first time since before tour. He doesn’t have much time to appreciate that fact though. To his utter astonishment, shaking him awake is  _ Luke _ . The younger boy’s blue eyes are wide and almost afraid as he frantically tries to get Michael to be alert enough to actually pay attention to him. 

 

“Lukey?” Michael asks, voice husky with sleep - he forgets for a brief moment that nickname is kind of out of bounds for him. “What’s the matter?”

 

“What do you fucking think is the matter?” Luke demands, before throwing down a rolled up piece of paper onto the bed and watching Michael with blazing fury in his eyes. 

 

Frowning, Michael picks up the paper and realises it is actually a magazine, but he’s not focusing on the cover - Luke already has it turned to the correct page for him. 

 

_ Muke exposed.  _

 

As he reads the words, he feels like his heartbeat is now in his head and his ears and his stomach drops and he might just throw up right there. It’s every single detail about his life over the past year or so. From the moment that Luke spontaneously decides to suck Michael off, to agreeing to be friends with benefits, to Michael lying and saying that he never loved Luke and it was some sick game, and every single miserable detail of his life since he became heartbroken. It doesn’t leave out the stuff about Luke either - how at first, he was the one who was miserable and depressed because of Michael and none of this is good at all. Not just because it doesn’t look good to the fans or just to anyone really, but because this is  _ his  _ stuff. Things that he never wanted to be shared with anyone he didn’t love or trust. 

 

There’s a subtitled section too -  _ Larzaylea - the truth.  _

 

_ There has been many a speculation about the relationship between 5sos frontman Luke Hemmings and socialite Arzaylea…  _

_ Maybe the fans are right in hating the girl… it is clear from our sources that we all have reason to dislike her. From her bad treatment towards her boyfriend to the way she talks to his fans and not only that, but to his  _ friends.  _ Could it really be true that she told Hemmings’ fellow guitarists that he was better of  _ dead _.  _

 

It’s awful. So so so awful, Michael completely understands why Luke is furious with him. Even so, as the younger boy fires all sorts of accusations and insults at him, saying how weak he looks and how humiliated he is, how it looks pathetic to be a guy in a punk rock band suddenly being assumed as a target of relationship abuse, he’s numbing all that out. All he can focus on are the words printed at the bottom of the page.

  
_ Written by: Evan Walterstone _ . 


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo.... I guess I was successful in shocking you with the last chapter? :P PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!
> 
> I think you're all expecting it but be warned: This chapter is a ton of feels, pretty much. 
> 
> TW: Mentions of relationship abuse. It's also just really sad, I'm sorry. 
> 
> P.S Guys I'm trying really hard to update frequently! I'm sorry for the lack of updates, but my exams and revision are taking up my entire life. Thanks for all being super patient though :)

Michael feels like everything in his stomach begins to bubble, like he is going to vomit. The man he had come to trust the most, who just last night he had slept with and felt like he finally had a sturdy support to help him through even the roughest of times… had been using him. Just to get a good story and humiliate him in front of everyone. Every single detail of his life is in there… being gay, getting addicted to drink and drugs and partying, being hopelessly in love with Luke, breaking Luke’s heart, being horribly depressed and that’s just a few of the things… there are direct  _ quotes  _ in there, as if every moment he spent with Evan was just some extra long interview used to hopefully get a five star review for his stupid magazine.  _ Stupid stupid stupid,  _ Michael scolds himself,  _ I should never have trusted him.  _

 

He looks up from the magazine, moving a hand to clutch his stomach as if he can keep his dinner from last night in, but he can’t, he has to leap up from the bed and run to the bathroom to puke it all out, because…  _ Evan _ . Luke follows him, looking angry still but he also looks a little bewildered. 

 

“...Are you okay, Mikey?” But then he claps a hand over his mouth and shakes his head, because he actually just said something that would imply he  _ cared  _ for the guy, but no. Luke hated Michael even more now, but Michael couldn’t even think about that because all he could focus on was the fact that Evan had  _ used  _ him. Trustworthy, reliable, loyal and  _ loving  _ Evan.

 

“Why are you being sick?” Luke asks then, making sure that he enforces any harsh feeling he is having, “Are you  _ hungover  _ after telling every single last detail of your life, of… of  _ our  _ life for some stupid magazine?! Is this your way of getting back at me? For moving on, you’re just-”

 

Getting to his feet, Michael wipes his mouth on a towel and not even bothering to respond to Luke, he pushes past him and runs down the stairs, pausing for a second to put on some black converse but then he runs the whole way to Evan’s, he’s unwashed and not even properly dressed and people are probably going to see him and it will add to the whole humiliation of the stupid fucking article but he can’t think about that. Every kind thing Evan had said, every joint they smoked, every day spent cuddling, every night Michael fucked Evan and thought maybe he could  _ love  _ him one day, every party they went to together, every text, every phone call, every single moment of his life for the past year. It was just used and condensed into some magazine for the eyes of people who don’t even matter but still somehow do. And… and the  _ fans _ . How will they even think of them now? They won’t be 5 Seconds Of Summer, they will be the fucked up love-fest. 

 

When he finally reaches the door of Ashton’s apartment, he hammers on it relentlessly until his fists hurt, he considers leaving but then realises that Evan is definitely inside, he can hear his music playing and Evan is bloody  _ singing along,  _ without a care in the world. 

 

“Evan!” Michael yells, “You fucking pussy Evan, get your ass out here!” He was trying to sound strong and angry but… the more he bangs on the door, the more tears threaten to spill out of his eyes and down his cheeks and he knows that the pain would probably never stop, he has lost the one person he thought he would never have drama with, whom he would always have.

 

Maybe it is the sound of desperate sobs that pulls at Evan’s heartstrings or maybe he is just frustrated that his work has returned despite him being finished with it, but when he finally answers the door it is a quick movement, a breathless one. Michael is stunned by the movement and almost falls over, he had been resting on the door. Evan reaches out to steady him but Michael flinches away from the touch like it burns a hole into his skin, poison in his veins straight to his heart and turning it black. The poison of never being able to trust anybody again. 

 

“Michael.” Evan says calmly, he doesn’t smile, his eyes don’t light up. “I didn’t think you would wake up for hours, you were so drunk when I took you-”

 

“Was it all a lie?” Michael cuts him off, not being ashamed of the tears streaming down his cheeks because he has every right to be miserable, he has every right to make Evan see his misery and feel like a terrible person. “Was it all fake?”

 

“Michael…”

 

“Did you have your fingers crossed every time you promised that it would be okay? Did you have a microphone on me so that you could get direct quotes whenever I cried to you? Was every single time that we fucked some way to get extra points from your boss? A promotion, perhaps?”

 

“Look, I understand you’re upset but-”

 

“Upset?” Michael laughs, an empty, cold and dry laugh that didn’t mean anything to him whatsoever, “No. No, I’m… you’re sick. I fucking  _ hate  _ you right now, you sick bastard-” 

 

“I did what I had to do. At first it was just the story of you getting beaten up, I sold it because I needed money to pay the rent and then I had this idea, I didn’t want to hurt you-”

 

“If you need money to pay the rent you get a loan, or you sell some of your old games on Ebay!” Michael shouts, fully aware that there are probably neighbours listening in right now. There would probably be a news story in a few days all about how Michael Clifford loses it once again! He wants to say more but nothing will come. He’s scared to say anything, scared to trust any of his words with anyone again. 

 

“I hope you can forgive me at some point, living with hatred is awful.” Evan says flatly, before going to shut the door. 

 

Throwing out a foot, Michael stops him from doing that. He lunges, shoving Evan up against the wall. He’s done this all too many times but it has always had a  _ much  _ different outcome, one that he longed for, one that he needed. A release of his pain, a safe haven. Now all he wants to do is lift up his fist and punch the traitor’s face to a bloody pulp of bruises and redness but… those blue eyes that he has come to depend on for an anchor are looking into his and he can’t. Originally he loved them because they reminded him of Luke’s eyes but now he loved them because they’re Evan’s. Always able to calm him down when he is losing it, when he is breaking down. The nights that he has contemplated whether or not his existence is even valuable, every single time he was looking for something to return him to sanity, and to ensure him that everything would be okay. He lowers his first. 

 

“You’re not going to…?” Evan asks, and even  _ he  _ sounds surprised, like he knows he would deserve it if he did get smashed to the ground somehow, even if he doesn’t seem to realise what he did… what he has done is unforgivable. 

 

Michael still can’t say anything, so he just turns and leaves, a pain stabbing him in the chest as deeply as the knife that got stuck between his shoulder blades.

 

_____________

 

By the time he returns home, tears are now dried to his cheeks and he knows he looks like a mess, he doesn’t even know where he has been, just wandering around the place like some lost puppy or something.

 

“Hello?” He calls out, he really wants to see Calum or Ashton right now, but he gets no response. 

 

Instead he almost gets mown down by Arzaylea, not even acknowledging his presence as she storms past him in a fit of rage. She screams a few curses over her shoulder before leaving the house, slamming the door in her wake. Michael doesn’t even have it in him to feel gleeful about the fact that they have been fighting and maybe, just  _ maybe  _ they broke up. He goes to Luke’s bedroom, where Luke is lying back on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He doesn’t look upset or angry like Arzaylea did, he just looks like he couldn’t give a damn if they fight. Hesitating for a second, Michael moves and sits down at the end of Luke’s bed. They’ve not both been in here at the same time for  _ months _ . This used to be Michael’s safety haven when he was sad and his insomnia was at it’s worse, and that had all crumbled to nothing. His safety haven with Evan had now crumbled, too. Nothing would ever stay with him. He doesn’t want to talk, but he owes it to Luke to explain a little more, there was stuff about him in that article too. In fact, that’s probably what Arzaylea had been so mad about. 

 

“I… I just wanted to tell you that I had no idea anything in that article was about to come out. If I did… why would I even want it to, Luke?” 

 

Luke stays lying down but he does turn his head a little, so that he can watch Michael with careful eyes. 

 

“But I get it is my fault that it all happened, I should never have trusted him but…” he hesitates, should he really be saying any of this to  _ Luke  _ of all people? But it’s the only way to get Luke to understand that Michael had no intention of airing their dirty laundry, their dirty sheets that they slept on so long ago, to the world. “I really did trust him, Luke. So much, I… I thought he loved me. It’s stupid but I did. He was… he was like my rock, okay? In the hard times. That’s why I told him everything, I needed a friend, that was my only intention, I swear it. Please know that.” 

 

Luke sits up. He looks sad, he watches as Michael starts crying all over again, silent sobs scraping against his lungs. He parts his lips and for a second he looks like he wants to say something nice, like he wants to cuddle Michael close and comfort him and promise him that everything will be okay again, soon. But then something changes and his eyes darken. 

 

“Aw.” He says, not sounding sympathetic in the slightest. “So he was using you? I just  _ wonder  _ how that feels.” 

 

And then he gets up and leaves Michael on his own bed. The older boy doesn’t even care that it’s Luke’s, but he wraps the apple smelling duvet around himself like a burrito and cries himself to sleep. 

 

________________-

 

“Michael?” 

 

He opens his eyes, his nap cut short by Calum and Ashton who both look very confused as to why Michael is in here and not in his own bedroom, and why he is in such a state. Their brows are furrowed, lips drawn downwards. 

 

“What’s the matter?” Ashton asks gently, he sits down on the end of the bed and Calum goes beside Michael, wrapping his arms around him protectively. 

 

“Did you not see the article?” Michael asks, and they both shake their heads. 

 

“We’ve had our phones off.” Calum explains with a shrug, but then asks what the article is. 

 

Michael can’t say it, he can barely focus on getting words out, they’re twisting his insides instead and making him hurt as much as humanly possible. 

 

“I trusted him but… he was using me.” He tries to say, but then his breaths start to speed up like he is about to have a panic attack and Calum has to shush him, Ashton strokes soothing patterns on his leg. 

 

“Okay.” Ashton says, even though he doesn’t exactly know what he is talking about but he doesn’t want to make him freak out anymore. “And why are you in Luke’s bed? Where is Luke?”

 

“I… I came in here. I was crying but - Luke just said he doesn’t care that I was used basically, because - I- I did the same to him.” The moment  _ that  _ settles back freshly into Michael’s hand he starts to cry even more, because now… he can just imagine how Luke feels. Being in love with someone or even just trusting somebody enough and then finding out that they were using you all this time… he said that to Luke. It had all been a lie but the younger boy doesn’t even know that. “I’m as bad as him.” He pants, shaking his head. 

 

“As bad as who?” Calum asks, frowning. 

 

“As  _ Evan _ !” 

 

“Alright.” Ashton says gently, and he can tell that Calum wants to go and talk to Luke and usually he would stop it because Calum is protective and will probably start a fight or something, but he doesn’t this time because he won’t leave Michael alone. 

 

He takes Calum’s place, holding Michael in his arms, just letting the younger boy cry it all out. It actually feels nice. Maybe this was all Michael needed after all, to talk to one of his  _ best  _ friends. His brother. 

 

_______________ 

 

“Luke, you are so lucky that my hand hurts right now because I am so tempted to punch your pretty face.” Calum hisses to Luke, who is sat on the couch playing Fifa. 

 

He doesn’t look up from the game, so Calum just rolls his eyes and walks across the room to pull out the plug, ignoring the protests of the guitarists. 

 

“What the hell, dude?!” He yells, “I was so close-”

 

“Why would you just leave Michael like that?” Calum demands to know, gesturing to the stairs. “Why would you say that you don’t care about him when he is-”

 

He breaks off, because Luke is rolling his eyes and burying his head into a sofa cushion. 

 

“Don’t ignore me! Answer me, Luke, why would you-”

 

“I can’t just forget every single bit of pain that he has caused me because he comes to me crying!” Luke yells, sitting back up, but he doesn’t like having Calum towering over him with glory and rage so he gets up properly too. “He’s hurt me a whole lot more than anyone seems to know or  _ care!” _

 

“Luke, what-” Calum starts, taken aback by the sudden outburst. 

 

“Just because I get some fake girlfriend instead of taking it all out by getting smashed off my face every night and having a fuck buddy who uses you, that doesn’t mean I’m okay, Calum!” 

 

“What are you-”

 

“I can’t just put aside all of my pain for him because he is sad.  _ I’m  _ sad too, Calum!” He sobs, tears freely falling down now, staining his shirt. 

 

Calum has an instinct to go and hug him but he is also too stunned to move because he doesn’t even know how he could forget all of this. He remembers now, all those months ago when Luke was too depressed to leave his room, to play guitar, to eat. Luke is right. They’ve all been thinking of  _ him  _ as the bad guy when really… maybe this behaviour  is completely understandable. Being with somebody to try and get over somebody who hurt you, being rude to the person who you once loved because you don’t want to want them anymore, you don’t want to let yourself get too close… it does make sense. 

 

“What am I supposed to do, Cal?” Luke asks, but his voice is no longer loud and defensive but weak and strained. He sits back down onto the couch and pulls his knees up to his chest, hiding his face away. That’s what urges Calum to move, he rushes to sit down next to Luke and hugs him as tightly as he can. He’s completely neglected his friendship with Luke. He pushed Luke to move on, to speak to Arzaylea that night, and after that… he just left him. Left him trapped in a relationship he was so unhappy in, left him to the wolves of pain.

 

“I’m still with Arzaylea.” Luke says, which seems like an odd change of subject but Calum doesn’t mention that, just makes a noise to show he is listening. “I tried to break up with her. She wouldn’t let me.”

 

“What do you mean she wouldn’t let you?” Calum echoes, frowning. 

 

“I don’t know. I try to and she just… she gets into my head. Twists everything. She’s… she’s very controlling.” 

 

Calum doesn’t know what to say. Maybe Michael had been right in assuming Luke’s new found love was toxic, but everybody had just shut him down. Maybe Calum and Ashton were just shitty friends after all. Then he notices something with a jolting feeling in his chest. 

 

“What’s that?” He asks softly. 

 

He’s referring to the swelling, red spot around Luke’s eye that he noticed but only just now properly acknowledged.  _ Stupid stupid stupid.  _

 

Luke’s eyes widen, he is a deer caught in the headlights. He lifts a hand, fingers gingerly stroking the mark, he looks embarrassed. 

 

“It’s nothing.” 

 

“ _ Luke _ .” 

 

“She threw something at me.” He admits, voice no more than a whisper. 

 

“ _ Oh Luke.”  _ Calum gasps, shaking a little. He remembers how miserable Luke got after she came to join him on tour, how he always hears him crying, how he is so obviously unhappy and… and Cal just turned a blind eye to it. They all did. 

 

“I’m so sorry, Luke.”

 

For a moment they stay like that, cuddling each other close and him whispering apologies, but then Luke jerks to sit upright, turning to face Calum. “You can’t tell anyone.”

 

“What?” Calum asks, bewildered. 

 

“The article in the magazine is bad enough.” 

 

Calum still has no idea what this article is but he has made guesses as they’ve been talking. 

 

“I will be humiliated even more if any of this gets out.”

 

“Luke, she is abusing you, I can’t-”

 

“Promise me.” Luke snaps, “I’ll do something about it soon, I swear but… you can’t tell anyone. I’m just… I just need to get over Michael.”

 

And Calum knows he shouldn’t do it, he knows it is wrong. But he’s let Luke down too many times recently, he owes this to him at least. Reluctantly, he nods his head. 

 

“Break up with her, Luke.” He says, but Luke has already turned back around, still tangled with Calum but so that they can’t see each other properly. Calum wonders how many bruises Luke has. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully now you have more of an insight into what Luke is going through! I hate him at times too in this story but he deserves some love! <3


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty short chapter with some feels. I feel like I never stop apologising but I'm apologising again for the delay!

 

Ashton feels like he is going to vomit as he reads through the article in the magazine. Michael didn’t really speak about Evan much, but it was obvious they were close, very close if he was able to talk to him about all of this stuff. Even if Ashton sometimes didn’t exactly approve of the guy because he wasn’t stopping Michael from drinking himself to death, it was still obvious to him that he was a rock for Michael. Somebody he had relied on and trusted with all of his heart. It’s when he gets to the last page, however, that the feels of queasiness change for something else. He doesn’t know what it is, hurt, confusion, range… 

 

_ If Clifford wasn’t  _ already  _ feeling terrible, add to that the tremendous guilt of knowing he betrayed the trust of one of his best friend’s by kissing his boyfriend on a drunken night out…  _

 

One short statement, but it’s pretty obvious exactly who that is about. He and Calum are the only ones of Michael’s friends who are boyfriends, and he definitely didn’t get kissed. He doesn’t even have time to be grateful that no names are mentioned because he isn’t properly out yet - though he would not be at all surprised if it was in there and everything had just got missed out. So… Michael kissed Calum.  _ Michael kissed Calum _ . He feels something twisting in his gut, and when he thinks it had already gone as tight as it could, somehow something manages to yank even harder, he feels like everything would soon just be squeezed to death, disappearing in smoke. His heart hurts. Two of his best friends have just gone completely behind his back. He gets that he has been kind of a dick to Michael recently, definitely before tour, but… he didn’t think that this would happen. No way. Getting to his feet, he chucks the magazine back down onto the bed and follows the sound of the television, going into the living room. He finds Calum sat on the sofa, Luke is lying cuddled into his side, a bruise clear on his face. He wonders if Cal did it, when he got mad after hearing what Luke said to Michael, but he knows Cal would never do that. 

 

“Calum.” He says, trying as hard as he can to make his voice sound neutral, but nothing can stop the small hitch in his words as he is thinking about it. Calum cheated on him, he can’t just pretend everything's okay. 

 

“Yeah?” Calum asks, looking up at his boyfriend like nothing is wrong, a small smile on his face even though his eyes look dark and tired, like he’s just been given some terrible news. 

 

“Can I talk to you?” 

 

For a second, it looks like the younger boy might say no, he hesitates and looks down at Luke, but the blue eyed boy just smiles gently and says it’s okay. Calum gets up, with a promise that he will be back, before following Ashton out of the living room and into the hallway, leaning against the wall. 

 

“What’s up?” Calum asks, “Is it Michael?” 

 

Ashton snorts, “Yes, it’s fucking Michael.” 

 

“What do you mean?” Calum asks, frowning, recoiling slightly at the venom in Ashton’s tone. 

 

The older of the two lifts a hand, tugging slightly at his toffee curls like he does when he is frustrated. He wishes he had brought the magazine with him so he could just get Calum to read  _ that  _ because suddenly words are failing him, he feels betrayed. It takes a moment, involving lots of nervous watching from Cal, but eventually he manages to choke out, “Did you kiss Michael?” 

 

Calum raises his eyebrows, parts his lips as if he is about to speak, then closes them again. He folds his arms. “Of course that would be in the article.”

 

“Yeah, and thank god it was!” Ashton retorts loudly, and then instinctively quiets down because he remembers Michael is asleep upstairs and he doesn’t want to wake him. Not that he should care, he is red hot with anger right now. He feels so… hurt. “Would I have found out if it wasn’t in the article?”

 

“Probably not, no.” Calum replies softly, ignoring the incredulous look this earns him. 

 

“You fucking cheated on me and weren’t ever going to tell me?!” Ashton yells suddenly, forgetting about his resolve to keep his voice low.

 

It doesn’t startle Calum in the slightest, the fact that Ashton is shouting, he just sighs. “I wasn’t going to tell you because it didn’t mean anything and I knew it would cause more drama than it’s worth if you ever found out.” 

 

“I think you fucking  _ cheating  _ on me with Michael, our best friend, is worth quite a lot of drama, don’t you!?” 

 

“Shh.” Calum tells him, a slight pleading to his tone but other than that he just sounds frustrated. “I didn’t cheat on you, okay?” 

 

Ashton almost laughs because that is obviously a lie, a very pathetic lie. Sensing this reaction, Calum rolls his eyes again and goes to amend himself, “Okay, Michael kissed me.”

 

“I’m going to fucking-”

 

“No you’re not.” Calum snaps, putting a hand on his boyfriend’s arm and pulling him back, he was about to go storming up to Michael’s bedroom in a fit of anger. “We were both drunk, Michael was lost and confused and he felt fucking lonely as hell. Luke was there with Arzaylea and we were there and not making a secret of how much we love one another, because I really do fucking love you Ash and I would  _ never  _ cheat on you, and he kissed me. Straight away he realised what he had done and ran off feeling terrible , and he actually  _ wanted  _ me to tell you because he felt so fucking bad but I knew if I did, you would just want to beat him up or something!” 

 

Ashton knows that Calum would never cheat on him, and he feels bad for thinking it, but just the fact that Calum would let himself be kissed by another guy… it does hurt slightly. Frowning, Ashton thinks of something to say, but he can’t. This isn’t Calum’s fault, it’s  _ Michael’s _ . Without another word to his boyfriend, he turns and runs up the stairs. He is aware of Cal calling after him, probably knowing where he is going, but he doesn’t stop. 

 

The moment he shoves the door to Michael’s bedroom open, he stops in his tracks. The blue haired boy is curled up on a ball on his bed, no longer sleeping but his eyes are squeezed shut as he cries. It’s not silent crying, it’s loud and ugly sobbing. As if sensing he is no longer alone, Michael jerks up to sit with his back leaning against the headboard, eyes wide. He doesn’t bother to wipe the tears from his face though, just sniffs as tears continue to slide down his red cheeks. 

 

“I’m sorry, Ashy.” He says, “I know I fuck everything up. I can’t help it, I just  _ do _ . It’s like that’s all I’m here for, to make everything fall to shit. I’m really sorry.”

 

Ashton doesn’t say anything, he’s just completely bewildered. He is pissed off and has every right to be, but… he understands. Michael was alone, he was upset. He made a mistake. Maybe Ashton can forgive that, it’s his choice whether or not he is angry or just moves on. 

 

“I’m like some fucking grenade.” Michael says, voice cracking, “Everything I touch, I screw up. Luke, Evan, Calum, you, the fans. Everything, I just…”

 

“No you don’t.” Ashton says. He even surprises himself, by saying that, but… it’s breaking his heart to see how everybody is falling apart. Michael and Calum… they’re not the same as they used to be, before they got together. No, before they broke up, if you can even break up from whatever relationship they had. That’s when they were happiest, though. When they were actually together, talking, laughing amongst… other things. He wants to just go and wrap his arms around the younger boy and promise that he is anything  _ but  _ a grenade. He’s still mad, though. 

 

“I’m annoyed.” Ashton says, “In fact, I’m incredibly pissed off. But… I understand.” He turns around, leaving the room and Michael behind him. Maybe tomorrow everything will be okay. They all cheered up on the Asia leg of their tour, maybe the same will happen in Europe and the UK. He really hopes so. He doesn’t want to argue anymore. He doesn’t want  _ anyone  _ to argue… he just wants his band back.

 

“What’d you say to him?” Calum asks when Ashton goes back into the living room. Luke has fallen asleep, his head on Cal’s shoulder. 

 

“I told him… I didn’t really say anything. But I’m not mad anymore.”

 

Calum looks surprised, eyebrows raised, but Ashton isn’t focused on his boyfriend anymore, his eyes are on Luke. The youngest of the band looks so  _ tired,  _ even when he is sleeping, and he doesn’t look at ease. He has swelling around his eyes, sunken into shadows from sleepless nights. 

 

“I hate this.” Ashton whispers. 

  
“Me too.” Calum replies sadly. 


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry 
> 
> i'm not neglecting this story i promise!!
> 
> this is kind of feels-y

It’s the morning of the flight to UK for the start of the tour, and everyone is up early… everybody except from Michael, who hasn’t managed to fall asleep at a time before four am for days. The moment Ashton goes into the younger boy’s room to wake him up he feels the now all too familiar sinking feeling in his chest. Michael’s room is always so dark, and it smells of sadness and sleep. He hasn’t left his bed for the past three days apart from to use the bathroom, and it’s reminding them of Luke, back when Michael broke his heart. The boys just go through an endless cycle of heartbreak, it’s been going on for almost a complete year now. 

 

He feels even worse when he kneels on the edge of Michael’s bed, reaching out to shake the boy awake, when he notices what Michael has held to his face, pale and tear stained. Luke’s black sweater, and Mikey is clutching onto it like it’s the only thing, the last thread that is holding him together. He’s a fragile scrap that is close to breaking and tearing to shreds. 

 

He feels so  _ bad _ . He’s not exactly been mean, but he hasn’t spoken to Michael at all since he read the article in the stupid magazine, which definitely wouldn’t have done anything to make the guitarist feel any better about himself. Gently, he shakes Michael awake and it takes a few tries, but eventually he blinks sleep away and sits up slowly. 

 

“Ash.” He says, sounding surprised through the rawness of his sore throat. 

 

As if seeing the look on the older boy’s face, he quickly becomes a lot more aware of the fact that he’s just been caught with Luke’s sweater, he picks it up and shoves it towards the end of the bed. 

 

“I should really-” he starts to say, voice shaking, but Ashton reaches out and places a hand over his, squeezing slightly. 

 

“It’s okay.” He tells him, frowning as to why he would be embarrassed, “I get it.” 

 

Neither of them say much, but Ashton stays as Michael begins to get out of bed, pulling on some tight black jeans and a shirt, throwing some last minute things into his half packed bag. It’s evident that there is tension between the two of them, brewing and simmering only a little bit, so it’s there and could easily blow up any moment but not full-frontal just yet. Ash gets up from the bed, moving across the room to get the pairs of shoes Mikey almost forgot to pack. 

 

“I’m not mad at you.” He says as he hands the shoes to Michael. 

 

“What for?” Michael asks with a frown, “For nearly forgetting my shoes?” 

 

Ashton almost laughs at that. “No. For… the Calum thing.”

 

It’s clear Michael doesn’t believe that, he looks at Ash with raised eyebrows and shocked eyes, disbelief obvious. 

 

“I have no right to be mad at you for  _ anything _ .” 

 

Michael goes to say something but Ashton shushes him, moving to sit down on the bed. “Even when you and Luke first… I acted like you were doing something wrong. Like you would  _ hurt  _ him. I mean, you  _ did  _ hurt him but that was because you thought it would stop him getting hurt any more, right? That’s what the article said.”

 

Just the reminder of the article is enough to bring floods of scarlet red to Michael’s face, he looks down at the floor. Ashton gets him to look back up though, meeting his eyes, taking his friend’s hands in his own. 

 

“‘M sorry for everything, Mikey.”

 

“I’m sorry too.” Michael whispers, and then he allows himself to be pulled in by the older boy, being hugged close to his chest, and it actually feels so good. The weighing guilt of kissing Calum and all of the pain he’s been carrying, it all seems to melt away, even for just a little moment. 

  
  
  
  


“I can’t do this anymore.” Luke says, determinedly not meeting the piercing gaze of his supposed lover. 

 

Arzaylea stares at him for a long moment. They’re in her apartment, sat together on the couch. They’re close to one another, but not in a nice way. They way her leg is pressed against his doesn’t feel warm or tingly, it doesn’t make him feel like he is burning with the need to be even closer. It feels hot and sticky and uncomfortable.

 

“You can’t do what?” She says at last, words slow. 

 

Just the way she is looking at him, threatening and dominating, it’s enough to make him cower. He feels so weak and pathetic - he shouldn’t feel this way. He’s so ashamed of how he is feeling,  _ frightened  _ by a girl who has barely done anything to him. She may be a little controlling sometimes but she’s not  _ abusing  _ him… right? As the words start to die on his tongue though, he remembers what Calum told him just before coming here. 

 

_ Don’t let her manipulate you anymore. _

 

“I can’t… I can’t be with you anymore.” He says, and it sounds like a huge weight is suddenly lifted from his shoulders… only to have a far heavier load of tons dumped back onto him. 

 

She narrows her eyes, sitting up straighter. 

 

“What are you saying?” She snaps, words harsh and cutting. 

 

“I’m saying- that I’m- I’m breaking-”

 

She cuts him off wordlessly, just her sudden intake of breath and slight shift in position is enough to make him silent. How did he get this way, Luke doesn’t even know. Maybe he wasn’t exactly honest with Calum. Arzaylea has hurt him a few more times than once, and the things she calls him hurt a lot more. But then she tells him she actually  _ loves  _ him and just wants to help him to get over all of the pain that Michael caused and he feels like maybe it’s true. He brushes it all aside. He can’t do it anymore. 

 

“Luke.” She says, and the way she is speaking gently is enough to make him wary. “If you screw everything up for me… I can play just as dirty.”

 

He frowns, trying to process what she has said. “What do you mean screw things up for you?”

 

“What do you think?” She retorts, a sudden outburst. 

 

Those are frequent - she is regularly randomly raising her voice, practically shouting at him, just out of blue.

 

As if sensing his increasing resignation, his desire to leave, she softens her face again and tries to speak with her usual false tone. 

 

“Luke, you know why we’re dating. It’s because I want to help you to get over Michael. And because I  _ love  _ you. And I want you to be  _ mine _ .” 

 

“I-”

 

“You love me too. I know you think you are still in love with Michael even if you don't say it, but you love me as well.” 

 

He’s never said the words  _ I love you  _ to her and meant them. Never. When he looks at her, he doesn’t feel love. He feels a confusing mix of what is possibly fear, loathing, resignation, a weird sense of gratitude. 

 

“But as well as the love, Luke, you’re helping  _ me _ , too. It’s not one sided.”

 

“Arzaylea, I-”

 

“I’m helping you to get over the pain, and you’re helping me to build a life for myself.” 

 

He doesn’t know what to say. All that’s changed in her life since Luke started dating her is she’s got a ton more followers on social media and is swarmed constantly with a sea of hate, people telling her they hate her, that she is disgusting, that she should kill herself. The fact that that doesn’t even seem to faze her is probably enough to tell anyone that she isn’t exactly… normal. 

 

“It sounds bad, I know,” she says with a big grin on her face, “But I want fame, I want money. I want to feel loved and known by everyone.”

 

_ But you’re not loved _ , he thinks,  _ not if you act like this.  _ He stays quiet though, not sure what to say. He’s slightly worried for himself and also for  _ her _ .  

 

“I’m getting that thanks to you, Luke.” She whispers now, moving closer to him, practically sat on his lap. She presses a kiss to his forehead. “I want you to be mine. This relationship can work, you just need to  _ try. _ ”

 

“You’re using me.” Luke says flatly then, after a strained silence. “It doesn't count as a relationship if it’s all for this. If it’s fake, and for nothing but money and fame-”

 

“No! It’s not just for money and fame! It’s because I  _ love  _ you. We’re helping each other too, though, right? Because that’s what you do when you love someone!” 

 

He wants to argue more, but he doesn’t know what to say. He feels bad saying it but… she seems  _ insane _ . He doesn’t know exactly what it is, but there’s something wrong with her, he can’t put his finger on it. Something isn’t right. 

 

“All I promised to do, Luke, was to help you get over Michael. I’ve done that for you.” She says. “Now… we’re  _ together _ . You’re mine.” 

 

She grips his face in her false nailed hand, tilting it so that she can kiss him. She moves into it, closing her eyes, attempting to melt their bodies into one. Luke is just stiff, rigid, eyes open. He doesn’t kiss her back, he barely even feels it, but he lets her kiss him. She’s backed him into a corner, it’s all he’s good at - allowing himself to be pushed around. He feels so weak. Embarrassed. He doesn’t deserve to be treated this way… but maybe he is bringing it all on himself. He’s the one who is too pathetic to stand up to her, maybe he  _ does  _ deserve it. Even so, he has to go. 

 

“I’m going.” He says, voice cracking. He practically shoves her off him as he stands up, but that doesn’t stop her from pulling him back, placing one last, long, lingering, toxic kiss to his lips.

  
When he gets out and into the taxi to meet the boys at the airport, he  _ knows  _ he shouldn’t feel so relieved. Going away to another country for a couple of months, probably (hopefully) not seeing your girlfriend for the entire time… it should hurt. It’s should make him feel heartbroken, lonely, like he will miss her. All he can think about though, is how he feels like he’s finally free from prison, if only for a little while… and how eventually he is going to be walking straight back into the cell. Maybe he’s going to be trapped forever, for the rest of his life. Miserable and unhappy and alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm considering doing a little thing separate to this of moments earlier on in the series but more about Luke and what was really going on... i feel like it's not very clear. i didn't want to include it because emotional/psychological/perhaps physical abuse wasn't initially meant to be a factor in this story really, but now i feel like it's kind of necessary. would anyone be interested? haha
> 
> thank you all for reading still!!


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I first published this story five months ago! 
> 
> I'm really sorry for abandoning this story ahh (I know you're telling me to stop apologising but you know, sorry) but finally here is a chapter for you guys.

After a flight that seemed to take forever, the boys are in a car on the way home. Well, not home, but it’s hard for them not to think of it like that. It’s where they lived when their career was first starting out, the very same house in London. It feels strange to be going back, and as Luke sits with his leg pressed awkwardly into Michael’s he can feel the butterflies in his stomach stirring. They’re going mad, racing around too fast. Michael feels less butterflies and more a storming hurricane. Every single memory… it all started in London. Everything between himself and Luke - this is where it truly began. The streets they are driving down remind him of when they were actually happy, before everything turned to shit. By the time they get to their old house, to  _ home _ … both of them feel weak at the knees and like they just might break down right there and cry. But they don’t, they pretend it’s not having the slightest impact on them whatsoever. 

 

Luke chances a sideways glance, eyes falling momentarily on Michael. One year ago. They were just mucking around, and he was madly in love with Mikey but he hadn’t yet made the mistake of actually expressing that love and getting completely shut down. Here was where it was a bit of harmless fun, happy fun, young and foolish fun. And look where they had wound up because of it. 

 

When they make their way inside, Michael’s chest lurches a little. He didn’t realise it would all be exactly the  _ same _ . Cleaner, tidier, yes. But it’s all the same layout, the same furniture. The couch is still there, the stupid couch that Luke sucked Michael off for the first time on. He almost smiles at that memory, because it started something fun even if it ended horribly, and because he remembers how surprised and shocked he was when Luke got down on his knees. That’s when it all gets a bit too much. Soon the memories of the house that are leading to all the memories he has with Luke are overwhelming him in a cascading flood and it’s hurting his chest. Luke’s walked off to the kitchen, Calum following closely behind. 

 

Ashton notices Michael’s reaction, how pained he looks. He didn’t really think about what coming back here would do to the boys. If it feels weird for  _ him _ , the house before they got really big, before everybody started to know who they are, it must feel like some strange hell for Mikey and Luke. They’ve had one of the most complicated relationships and this is where it all started. He slowly makes his way over to his friend, like you would approach a startled rabbit. He eventually gets to him, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close. Michael doesn’t hug back, but it’s obvious he appreciates it, he leans in to the older boy, head resting on his chest. They are silent as he takes deep breaths, startled breaths. 

 

It’s painful to Ash. Michael was never one for panic attacks or feeling nervous, he wouldn’t ever cry in front of his friends, he’s always laughed hugs but he used to laugh and pretend to think they were ‘gay’. It’s weird how a fragile heart can change you so much. 

 

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Ashton asks softly, and Michael nods his head. 

 

The older of the two goes to cell Calum and Luke that they’re going out for a moment once they quickly change into something clean. Once they get onto the busy streets of London, they are quiet, but a comfortable quiet. Nobody notices them, it’s pretty late in the day now and everyone is just hurrying to get to places. That’s what is good about London, everybody is grumpy and rude so you don’t really get a chance to stop for a long time. Well, maybe not  _ good _ , but when the boys want some time alone, it helps. They don’t speak a lot, in fact, they don’t speak at  _ all  _ until they are nearing Hyde Park. 

 

“I came here the day after Luke first…” Michael starts, but then he breaks off, laughing a little awkwardly. 

 

“No details.” Ashton says teasingly, but then he says with a softer, much more serious voice, “Do you want to go somewhere else?”

 

“Nah.” Michael replies, waving a hand disregarding. “It’s just a park.” 

 

As they walk through, they discuss how good it feels to be in England, they talk about how excited they were when Luke’s mum was staying in the house with them like some sort of chaperone. It makes them reminisce about when they were younger, and when everything was just starting out. They seem to think about it every day but it will never really sink in… how far they have come. Eventually they come to a bench and they sit down, watching a couple of kids kicking a ball around. There’s a space between them, like Ashton can sense Mikey needs some time to gather his thoughts but he might need somebody to hold him and comfort him any moment now. 

 

Mikey almost laughs when he remembers how awkward everything had felt the day after Luke casually gave him a blowjob in the middle of the living room a year ago. He thought  _ that  _ was hard… he would very easily go back to that day and just change it - he wish he had never agreed to ‘friends with benefits’ and instead just made it a one time thing. Even if it was fun at first, and he really did fall in love despite how badly he wants to deny it… it’s caused him way too much pain. 

 

“What you thinking about?” Ashton says after a long while when the silence seems to be getting tiring. 

 

“Everything.” Michael replies sadly, shuffling across the bench to sit closer to Ash, resting his head on the older boy’s shoulder. 

 

“I can’t believe it’s only been a year. So much pain and sadness… how can it only have been one year?” 

 

Ashton laughs, a hollow laugh, a sympathetic laugh. “I know.” 

 

For a second, Michael thinks he might cry. But then he realises no tears will fall anymore, he’s done crying, surely? All he’s been doing for at least eight months is feeling sorry for himself, hating himself and feeling dead and empty all the time. Every single thing that’s gone wrong… he just uses it to punch more holes into his stomach, his heart and his chest. It’s just that the marks can’t be seen. 

 

“Luke’s miserable too.” Ashton says after another long pause in any sound whatsoever, his voice quiet and he sounds timid, wary. “I just wish…”

 

“I know. But I don’t think… there’s no happiness left for us. Not after everything.” 

 

Ash opens his mouth to say something but then his phone starts blaring from the pocket of his leather jacket. Mumbling an apology to Michael, he fumbles for it and eventually manages to pull it out, putting it to his ear. 

 

“Cal, what’s up?” 

 

Michael looks up, sniffing a little like he does when is trying really hard not to cry. He watches as Ashton frowns, listening to whatever it is Calum is saying on the other end of the phone. 

 

_ “I don’t know what happened, Ash, Luke got a text, read it and is now just going kind of crazy.”  _

 

When Ashton hangs up the phone, he immediately stands up and holds out a hand for Michael to take. 

 

“What’s going on?” The younger boy asks, furrowing his brow.

 

Ashton doesn’t really say anything until they have left the park and are walking back up the road in the direction of home. Michael is practically jogging to keep up because Ash is going so fast. 

 

“Luke.” He says eventually. 

 

“What about him?” Michael demands to know, getting impatient. 

 

“...He’s asking for you.” Ashton says after yet another long pause, and hearing that alone is enough to make Michael want to sigh with relief because  _ God  _ he has wanted to hear those words for so long. He has wanted Luke to want him again for so long.

 

“Is that not a good thing?” He says stupidly, grinning like an idiot despite the obvious fact that this isn’t a  _ good  _ thing, necessarily.

 

“No.” Ashton says shortly. 

 

“Why?”

 

“He’s also crying a lot and refusing to come out of the bathroom and it sounds like things are breaking. And he is demanding to see you.”

 

Well, that’s not really a  _ good  _ thing, no but.... Michael can’t help but feel a little pleased, if not also surprised because why is Luke finally asking for him after all this time? What if it’s not because Mikey is the only thing that can calm him down but because he would rather have something living to break than whatever is in the bathroom?

 

They reach the house in no time, sprinting up to the front door and then rushing to the bathroom in the hallway, Calum is leaning against the wall with a very bewildered expression on his face. 

 

“What happened?” Ashton asks, looking to the locked door and then back to Cal. 

 

“I don’t know! All I know is he got a text and then he started crying and asking for you.” He directed the last part to Calum, not bothering to hide his surprise at that fact. 

 

Michael takes a deep breath, not replying to Cal, not acknowledging either of their anxious expressions because he doesn’t care what they say, if Luke wants to see him at last, that’s what he will get.

 

At least Luke is no longer breaking things, or if he is they can’t hear it. 

 

Gingerly, Michael raps on the door with his knuckle. He doesn’t get a response. 

 

“Luke?” He says once he has waited for a few seconds. “It’s me.”

 

No response. Calum bites his lip, Ash looks incredibly concerned all of a sudden - or at least, more so. 

 

“Lukey.” Michael says, this time slightly pleading because he’s ready now, ready to see Luke again, ready to be the one that he wants again, even if these circumstances are not exactly happy and loving. 

 

Maybe it was the pleading tone but Michael secretly knows it’s because he used that name.  _ Lukey _ . It’s a name Luke only likes when it comes from Michael and he’s missed saying it so much; but he hears the clicking of a lock. 

 

“Only Mikey.” Luke says, voice strained. 

 

“Okay.” Michael says, trying not to sound too pleased about that.

 

He doesn’t waste any time to look at Ash and Calum to see how they are reacting to everything now, just pushes the door open and enters the bathroom, locking it again. 

 

He kind of expected Luke to be standing up but he clearly isn’t, he’s hidden behind the bath, sat with his knees pulled up the underneath his chin. He doesn’t look angry and like he is ready to break anything more, he just looks miserable. He has tears dried to a blotchy face. When he looks up at Michael, it’s with those young, innocent, baby blue eyes that Michael has waited for for so long. He’s missed them so much. 

 

“Mikey.” Luke says, “Mikey, I’m sorry.” 

 

He sounds so  _ broken  _ all of a sudden. How? Something terrible, completely terrible, must have happened in the space of a few minutes. 

 

“What are you sorry about?” Michael asks, because he should be saying sorry. He’s the one who spoiled everything to start of with. He was still kind of hesitating a second ago, not wanting to rush over but when Luke starts to cry again he speeds forwards in an instant, kneeling down beside him. 

 

“Lukey,” he says, shaking his head, “What’s the matter?” 

 

Luke doesn’t say, just says again, “I’m sorry.”

 

“Luke, what are you sorry for?”

 

“Arzaylea. She…” Luke tries to say but then shakes his head, breaths quickening as he loses control again. 

 

“What did she do?”

 

“She was working with Evan this whole time.” Luke sobs. “She’s given him more information about me and about you and even the others. Just a load of stuff I trusted her with. She’s gone crazy.”

 

Michael is kind of surprised that it would spark  _ this  _ kind of reaction… what more was there to come out? They didn’t have any big secrets. 

 

“But that’s not all, Mikey.” Luke chokes out, and when he tries to explain further, words fail him so he just pulls out his phone and practically chucks it at Michael’s face before burying his face into his arms. 

 

Michael is surprised when he still knows Luke’s phone password, opening it and then looking at the article which is still open from where Luke first read it. It’s a load of bullshit, frankly. Stuff most people, anybody who knows Luke, would  _ never  _ believe. But… 

 

**HEMMINGS: ABUSER?**

 

_ A source has recently provided witness to seeing an assault on socialite Arzaylea by unofficially confirmed boyfriend Luke Hemmings, 5SOS star.  _

 

And it goes on to mention a few supposed stories. It makes Michael sick to read. Of course he knows that Luke wouldn’t do anything like this, he  _ couldn’t.  _

 

“I’m sorry for blaming you for everything.” Luke says, “It was all me as well. We both trusted all of the wrong people.”

 

It breaks Michael’s heart more than anything to see Luke like this. He’s the sweetest and kindest  boy Michael knows, and he loves him so much that to see him in such a state, the fact that he is the victim of such  _ slander _ … 

 

“It’s okay, baby.” He says, his own voice cracking as well as he is finally able to reach out and wrap his arms around Luke and pull him close. “It’s okay.”

 

“No it’s not, I’ve been so horrible-” Luke starts to say, and even though he clearly wants (and needs) to be held he goes to move up like he doesn’t deserve it. 

 

“You haven’t.” 

 

Michael stops him firmly, and he pretty much forces a hug onto Luke. It’s a relief that he’s needed for so long, the only thing he has needed to make him feel alright. And now he needs to make Luke feel alright too. At the feel of holding his Luke at least, not just his jumper or something, Michael’s heart seems to beat at the right speed at last, even through the shattering of seeing Luke in such a state. 

 

“It’s okay.” He murmurs, and finally, Luke relaxes a bit as well. 

 

He sobs all over Michael’s shirt, getting it damp, but they don’t care. They don’t care that they are on the hard, freezing tiles of the bathroom floor either, and they don’t care that Cal and Ashton are probably dying to know what’s happened if they haven’t got out their phones to look as well. 

 

“It’ll all be okay.” 

  
Michael silently wishes he could actually promise that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if that all happened kind of fast and sudden in this one chapter? Idk. But yay!! They are finally speaking and hugging again!! Man I've missed writing that haha. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and sorry again. You don't know how much it means to me that so many of you have stuck around to read <3


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty short but I hope you enjoy it!

Eventually, Luke feels like he has cried everything out and he doesn’t want to do it anymore. It feels a little strange, being back in somebody’s arms, being back in  _ Michael’s  _ arms of all people… but it also feels right. It’s like… he thinks of LA as his home now, when he gets into that bed he can settle down okay and everything, but then it’s not until he is back home in Australia that he realises where he  _ really  _ belongs. Wordlessly, he starts to get up and Michael lets him, following to his feet closely. They intertwine hands almost instantly, and even if there’s still so much stuff to be resolved, Michael thinks maybe just for one evening, one single night, they can pretend that none of that matters. Surely they deserve one night that is free of sadness, and  _ pain _ ? 

 

It’s silent on the other side of the door - Calum and Ash must have given up trying to get in when they realised Michael had succeeded in calming the youngest boy down. They open the door and go to leave, both of them looking back at the mess. Luke hadn’t really realised, he had just been focused on going straight to Luke, but there’s stuff chucked all over the floor. Not that there was much in there - he managed to make lots of mess with a few stuff by punching the mirror. Great. Luke hadn’t even realised that his fist was bleeding, and now he looks down with bleary eyes, gasping a little. Michael chews on his lip, he’s never really known Luke to be violent. Not that he doesn’t have the right to be - Michael himself wants to  _ kill  _ that troll Arzaylea. 

 

“It’s okay, baby.” He says, the name falling from his tongue before he can help it. There’s a second long, stiff silence, but neither of them dislike it. It’s just been so long… “We’ll get you some ice or something.” Michael continues, doing his best to skip over it like nothing is strange.

 

Silently, Luke nods his head. He’s staring down at the floor, avoiding Mikey’s eyes. Taking Luke’s hand again, carefully so that he doesn’t make the cut hurt anymore, he leads him through to the kitchen. They have to go through the living room to get there, where Cal and Ash are sat, but neither of them say anything. Their eyes definitely linger for a moment over Luke and Michael’s hands, smiling knowingly.

 

They have pretty much nothing in the freezer, so Michael gets a box of potato waffles. Luke laughs a little, with a cracked sound, watching closely as Michael wraps the waffles in a tea towel. He takes Luke’s hand in his own and holds the waffles against it gently. Luke is perfectly capable of doing it himself but… he wants Michael to do it. He’s missed his touch so much. He’s been such a fucking idiot. Why should he have ever believed that Arzaylea was going to help him? Why did he  _ want  _ to get over Michael? They could have sorted everything out a long time ago. No, not just that… why did Luke have to go and bloody tell Michael he loved him in the first place, all those months ago? As much as he wishes he could blame somebody else, he knows that he is the reason for all of this shit that’s been happening. He destroys everything he touches. They aren’t saying anything, Michael is just focusing maybe a little  _ too _ intently on Luke’s hand and Luke is watching him. He looks so cute when he is focusing on something. His hair is still all tufty from when they were on the plane. It’s not really blue anymore, more of a very pale blonde. 

 

“We’re gonna order pizza.” Calum says, appearing in the doorway. Neither Luke nor Michael bother trying to jump away from one another, to pretend that they weren’t just locked in a moment. “You want?”

 

“Is that even a question, Cal?” Michael asks, rolling his eyes. “When is the answer to pizza ever  _ anything  _ but ‘Hell Yeah!’?” 

 

Calum smiles, not saying anything more before disappearing back to Ashton. Luke is smiling when Mikey looks back at him, and finally their eyes properly met again. 

 

The rest of the evening passes pretty fast, most of them are exhausted from the plane journey and the other… events since they returned home - Luke most of all. They eat pizza all together, lounging on the sofas together like old times before slowly going off to bed. Calum and Ashton disappear first - it’s like they still think Luke and Michael have no idea they are planning on sleeping  _ together  _ even though they are pretty much openly boyfriends. Well, not completely open, but to the band at least. 

 

There’s something heavy in the air. A weight of want. They both clearly want to sleep together tonight, but neither wants to be the one to suggest it. Not to have sex, not tonight. Just to hold each other again, for the first time in what feels like eons. Eventually, nobody even really says anything about it. They’ve hardly spoken all night, come to think of it, they just sat extremely close together whilst they were eating, they laughed together, they looked at one another admiringly when they thought the other wasn’t looking. They go up the stairs, holding hands still. Michael stops, not going to his bedroom - he wants this to be Luke’s decision. And Luke wants to, so he’s the one who leads the way to his own room. His old room. It’s so weird being back in here. 

 

Michael looks around as they walk in, remembering how he used to come here on an almost nightly basis when he couldn’t sleep, and Luke would softly play his guitar and sometimes sing to help him sleep. It would always work. 

 

“It’s so weird to be back.” Luke says.

 

“Good weird or bad weird?”

 

“Good weird.” 

 

And that’s all they say. They undress, both leaving themselves in just their boxers. Luke turns the light off as Michael turns off the bedside lamp, and then they wriggle under the covers. There’s a moment when they both stay on the farthest sides of the bed but then they decide to just not bother. They move closer at the same times as well, and they don’t even have to try to remember their old puzzle. Luke’s the little spoon, Michael the big spoon, holding him close against his chest. But then Luke gets uncomfortable because he wants to  _ look  _ at him. They’ve been denying themselves the smallest of pleasures, and he decides in that moment that all he wants is to look into Michael’s sleepy green eyes before he closes his own. It’s one of those nights where the minute their heads hit the pillow, they want to close their eyes and crawl into a cave of sleep for the rest of eternity. 

 

Well… Michael does at least. Luke is tired, absolutely  _ exhausted _ , but he can’t sleep. Being this close to Michael is just making his heart race way too fast for him to calm down whatsoever. He feels filled with electricity, like the strings in his body are just being constantly shocked with small sensational tickles. He could watch Michael sleep forever. He looks so tired, there are shadows around his eyes (not that that is anything new) and it’s obvious he hasn’t slept properly in ages, but finally his eyes are closed and his breaths are already evening out into a pattern of light snores. 

 

He’s so beautiful. Luke just wants to kiss him and hug him and feel him and love him. He loves him so much, that never stopped, even when was pretending with all of the energy he could muster up to hate him. And that’s just made him hate  _ himself  _ even more - denying him the only thing he truly wanted, truly  _ craved  _ and  _ needed  _ just made him feel like dark hole. Anything good just disappeared because it was nothing in comparison to what he truly yearned for. So now being with Michael is blissfully overwhelming and it’s making him even more emotional than usual.

  
And that’s not the only thing keeping him awake - he’s trying so hard to just push it to the back of his mind for just  _ one  _ night but his thoughts keep returning to the article. He decided not to look at his phone at all because he doesn’t want to see what the media will do with any of it… he doesn’t know what the fans will say. Oh the  _ fans _ , if they read it… what if they all start to think of him differently? As somebody who would  _ abuse  _ somebody he supposedly loved? If that were to happen… Luke doesn’t even want to think. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is going to be very very feels-y, just a warning.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ----
> 
> TW - this chapter features an attempted suicide in detail and depressed/anxious thoughts. 
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry.

When Luke wakes up in the middle of the night, he finds he is slightly sweaty and hot to the touch, like he is whenever he has bad dreams, but he didn’t have bad dreams whatsoever. It’s because he was so close to Michael, their bodies were so tightly wound into one another that they are both just melting balls of hotness. In the dim light of the room, Luke takes a moment to admire Mikey’s face all over again. He’s breathing quite loudly, his chest rising and falling, his arms still held as if they are holding Luke. 

 

He should just go back to bed, and enjoy his first night in so long with the right person, with the one that he actually really truly  _ loves  _ but… he can’t. There’s something he needs to do first.

 

He is not going to be made to be afraid of Arzaylea anymore. She’s hurt him, she’s selfish, he doesn’t even love her - it’s the right thing for everybody for him to just call her right now and call everything else. And then he doesn’t need to feel guilty in the slightest for sleeping with Michael right now. He’s shaking, he realises then, and not just because he is anticipating the phone call he is about to have but because… he feels anxious. And sad. He’s been sad for ages now, more sad than he should be, he’s been… he doesn’t want to say it. People are constantly accused of wrongly diagnosing themselves and apparently it’s not right but it’s no secret that for days now, weeks, he’s been feeling… worthless. He’s able to hide it pretty well but when it gets to the late hours of the night he just feels absolutely pointless and it’s even worse now that this has happened.

 

“Don’t be a coward.” he says to himself. 

 

Maybe he doesn’t even need to call Arzaylea. He can just block her numbers and all social media and then never see her again but something tells him that that would be the exact thing to enrage her more.

 

_ Man up _ . 

 

With a practically trembling hand, he reaches forward and strokes Michael’s cheek lightly, enjoying the feel of it, it brings him a sense of reality into the weird floaty, not real self he has been living in. Reluctantly, he clambers clumsily out of the bed and goes to his jeans on the floor, his phone is still in the pocket. He pulls it out and finds Arzaylea’s contact,and something is telling him not to do this but he has to. He won’t live in this ridiculous relationship any longer. 

 

She picks up on the second ring.

 

“Luke, I was wondering when you would call.” She says, and it sounds like she is fucking  _ grinning _ .

 

“Of course you were.” He mutters, and he can already feel his voice getting louder so with one last look at Michael in bed, he leaves the room.

 

“Baby, what’s the matter?” she asks, and the blatant sarcastic teasing in her voice just infuriates him, he is shaking so much. 

 

“You know what’s the matter.”

 

She makes a sound like she is thinking before she sighs. “Luke, don’t be stupid about this. I was just trying to teach you a lesson after the way you said goodbye.”

 

“Teach me a lesson?” He splutters, shaking his head and running a hand through his blonde hair, still sticking up in a mess from sleep. “Arzaylea, you’re supposed to be my girlfriend. This isn’t… I don’t want to be with you anymore.” He blurts out, every word he says coming out in a weird, tangled way. 

 

“Look.” She snaps harshly, but maybe there is a little bit of a panicked tone in her voice as well as  that. “It’s just because you kept arguing with me and I wanted it to stop so I just had to show you that-”

 

“If we are arguing, we resolve it normally, we discuss it, maybe a few raised voices but nothing more. You don’t… you don’t make up sick lies that label me as an  _ abuser _ . You don’t… you’re ruining my life here.” 

 

“It’s not exactly a lie! You don’t treat me-”

 

“When have I  _ ever  _ treated you with an abusive manner? I’ve never even raised my hand to  _ almost  _ hit you! I have fans, I have an actual life that depends on the media and everyone else and you can’t just… you can’t just take that away and destroy it and act like it’s  _ just a little lesson _ .” He says, feeling his voice break because he is about to break down himself, tears are already starting to sting at his eyes. 

 

“Look babe, I’m sorry, but it had to be done. And once we are seen together again, then everyone will know that it’s not true.”

 

Luke almost laughs. “No.” He says, “No, I’m not going to be fucking seen with you ever again. You’re… you’re  _ crazy _ .”

 

She’s silent on the other end. Deadly. 

 

“Luke.” She says at last. “The majority of what’s in that article is shit, right?”

 

“Right.” He practically hisses, not sure where she is going with this.

 

“So think about how much more  _ real  _ dirt I have on you. I can even just post a fucking picture of us and your fans go crazy.”

 

He can’t believe this. He can’t believe he is even talking to this girl, that he even thought she could be anything other than a fame hungry, psycho bitch. 

 

“Why are you-”

 

“Luke, think very carefully about what you say next.” She says. “Do you really want to tell me that you’re ending things with me?”

 

And maybe it doesn’t matter if more stuff comes out. There’s nothing really bad, it’s just more about his weird relationship with Michael probably, he’s not done anything particularly scandalous. But she could also make up loads more, or elaborate things to make them seem a lot worse than the reality. She’s dangerous. He should have seen this all before he even got involved with her and maybe this mess, like everything else, is his own fault.

 

“I could completely destroy you.” She says. 

 

_ I don’t care,  _ he wants to say.  _ You’re toxic, I can’t be with you.  _

 

“I…”

 

“I’m sorry this is happening.” She says, obviously not sorry in the slightest. “I’m just trying to help you. I really do love you, Lukey.”

 

He thinks back to the article, everything that was said in it. That’s bad enough, can she really make it even  _ worse?  _ Maybe he shouldn’t risk it. Maybe he just needs to carry on pretending to be in love with her, he has to stick through this mess no matter how hard it pains him. He’s not told anyone anything but he can remember the way it felt the few times she would slap him harshly across the face, when she has thrown things at him so hard it could maybe even bruise. It’s horrible. But he got himself into the mess and now he can’t get out of it. 

 

“Okay.” He whispers, trying to sound like he isn’t breathless from crying so hard - he hadn’t even noticed how fast the tears were spilling down his cheeks. “Okay.”

 

And then he takes the phone from his ear, hanging up. He’s not even looked on anything to see how everyone is reacting since he read the article. Maybe they’re all supporting him, maybe then can all see through her sadistic lies and he will be able to get out of it after all, because they will all be able to recognise her as the bad one in this situation. Surely they would know that he would never abuse anyone? Never in his life. 

 

He opens up Twitter first and immediately sees in the Trending list -  _ Larzaylea.  _ There’s another one -  _ Stand With Arzaylea. _ That alone is enough to make him begin to shake. He doesn’t dare to click on it, he shouldn’t. But all he has to do is scroll down his feed and see everything. 

 

_ Can’t believe Luke would do this to Arzaylea?! Is it true? _

 

_ #StandWithArzaylea is this real? Please no I love Luke so much :( _

 

_ Arz is probably making all this shit up, she bullshits her way through everything lmao _

 

But those who seem to be seeing through it all are clearly outnumbered by fans feeling betrayed by Luke, heartbroken that their number one idol could possibly abuse his girlfriend. There’s so much hate directed at him that it makes him feel like he is going to be sick. He’s used to bits of hate here and there, it’s usually rare and directed at more than one member of the band, never so much just for him. He’s crying and his chest hurts from where his heart is beating so fast, he can feel that he is about to start panicking. He’s feeling more and more like  _ nothing _ . He can’t think of what to do. Usually the thing that cheers him up is just talking to Michael. Well,  _ usually,  _ it hasn’t been for a long time but maybe now he can actually do that. 

 

He goes back to his room, Michael is still sprawled sleeping on the bed, the cover thrown off of him revealing his pale skin, one hand on his tummy, the other still stretched out to where Luke should be lying. He looks so peaceful that it wouldn’t be fair to wake him up. Still, Luke goes and places a kiss to the older boy’s forehead, and then to his lips, gentle so that he doesn’t wake him up. 

 

He goes down to the kitchen and grabs the first bottle of something strong he can find, whiskey will do. He knows he probably shouldn’t drink anything, not when he is already close to completely breaking down, but it’s the only thing he can think of right now to maybe numb the fear and the misery. Once he’s taken a few gulps he is pretty much immune to the gross taste (he’s not really one for strong tastes) and he is just completely drowning himself. His life is over. Part of him feels like he is probably being way too melodramatic but… he has been able to pretend like he was okay, missing Michael and heartbroken sure, but he has been able to kind of skip over the fact that he feels like he wants to fade away from existence completely. Now though, here alone in the dark, he can’t do that.

 

He’s back in London, living the dream, going on tour - their first show is in just a couple of days. He should be happy, and that makes it even worse - he hasn’t been able to even feel the slightest shed of excitement about this entire thing and that makes him even more miserable. He is selfish and ungrateful and despicable and he fucking  _ hates himself _ . 

 

And once he has started thinking all of that, it’s just an endless downward spiral, going at the speed of a rollercoaster. He’s over, he’s worthless and from now on, thanks to this article, thanks to Arzaylea who he really thought that he could trust, his life is over. There’s nothing for him anymore. Everybody is going to turn against him. And in his panicked state there is only one thing he can think of. He’s up to his feet and on the way to the bathroom before he can even process what is happening. He opens the medicine cabinet, stocked up by some of their team probably. He doesn’t know what to do, he just wants something to numb it all a little bit. He grabs as many boxes as he can. He goes down to the kitchen and gets another bottle, this one is rum, and pauses for just a millisecond.

 

Maybe he knows that this could kill him. Maybe he knows what he is about to do, but maybe he doesn’t. His brain feels like it is jogging, his heart is racing, his thoughts are just floating around and not really there anymore. And then it’s too late because he starts to swallow them, using the rum to help them down, and he is crying and crying and crying and everything is a blur.

 

Nothing happens. Nothing happens for a long time, and it probably won’t for ages if it does. Maybe he will get a stomach ache or something, he doesn’t know - he just wants it to happen sooner. 

 

“Luke?”

 

It’s Michael, for  _ fucks sake.  _ He’s kind of whispering as he shouts so that he doesn’t wake up Calum and Ash, but he’s woken up and is looking for Luke and when Luke realises that, it’s like he wakes up. He jerks slightly and looks at the now empty packets, he’s swallowed a load of painkillers and he doesn’t even know if that will do anything but… oh no. What has he done?

 

As soon as Mikey appears in the doorway, Luke looks up to meet him, wide eyes, a mask of fear and terror. He watches, pained, as Michael makes the connection with the rum and the pills and Luke, standing there still in nothing but boxers with a tear stained face. 

 

“What have you done?” Michael says, shaking his head, but not in disappointment or anger he just looks so  _ scared _ and he looks confused and like he doesn’t know what to do. Neither of them do. 

 

“Fuck.” Michael says, and it sounds like he is shaking. “Shit, how many did you-? No. No no no Lukey, please tell me-”

 

“I’m sorry.” Luke whispers, voice cracking, he is shaking too, he feels like he might collapse in his drunken state. “I don’t know what…”

 

“Wait here.”

 

Luke sits down on the kitchen tiles before he can actually fall, leaning up against the cupboard with his knees pulled up to his chest, hitting his forehead repeatedly on them. He listens as Michael’s footsteps disappear, running up the stairs probably faster than he has run in  _ forever  _ and then a minute later he returns, followed by a very tired looking Calum and Ashton. The oldest runs forward, kneeling down beside Luke. 

 

“Luke…” he says, sounding so heartbroken and sad that Luke feels himself tearing up all over again.

 

There’s noise as Calum calls an ambulance and Michael walks around the kitchen blaming himself, Ashton says random words gently. Well, they’re probably actual sentences but Luke can’t really focus on anything, everything is just a mess in his head, like thorned roses all twisted together and they keep scraping the inside of his head and it hurts more than anything else. He’s aware of what he’s just done and he doesn’t really know why he did that, he doesn’t know if he actually was trying to kill himself. He doesn’t particularly want to be alive but he isn’t really sure as to whether he would go as far as to end it. He starts to think of ways he should have done it if he really wanted to die. 

 

“They say an ambulance would take too long and we are better of driving to the nearest walk-in.” Calum says. 

 

They all go, and Luke moves along like water, weightless and thoughtless and wordless. They got a car to drive in but usually they have a driver, and they can’t even remember which car is theirs to begin with. Eventually they all get in, Michael sat beside Luke with his arms around him, and he is crying. Maybe they are all crying. Calum is sat in the front with Ashton who is driving, their hands tightly wound together. They all four stand together, whether they want to or not. If one of them falls, they all do, and Luke knows that fact and he feels even worse. He’s getting sleepy, lying his head on Michael’s shoulder and his legs are starting to shake like they do if he hasn’t eaten anything.

 

“Please don’t fall asleep baby.” Michael says, and he sounds completely despaired. “Please.” He lifts their hands, placing a feather kiss on the back of Luke’s knuckles. 

 

They get to the hospital and Luke stays silent, Ashton answers all the questions. The receptionist seems to notice who they are because she says they will be seen automatically because they don’t want the hassle it could cause if they are in the waiting room. For this reason they all go in and the doctor asks some questions which Luke tries to answer but they don’t really make sense. He has a blood test and then they have to wait for results - he told the doctor he couldn’t remember how many he took so they want to see just how bad it is. 

 

The whole time they are waiting, Luke is talked to by his friends so that he doesn’t fall asleep as apparently that could make it very hard to wake up again. His eyes are dancing and he doesn’t really know if it’s the drink or the painkillers but it’s uncomfortable. His stomach is churning and he is trembling all over. He throws up. The blood test comes back, and then he is wheeled away to have his stomach pumped.

 

Apparently those hurt. 

 

They can’t all stay, so Calum and Ashton go to wait in the car. 

 

“You…” Luke starts to say, and it’s the first time he has really felt able to speak because he desperately needs to tell Michael that he’s sorry. Michael notices his very quiet voice somehow, rushing forward as he is wheeled down a long and narrow hallway, trying his best to ignore the nurse. 

 

“You don’t h-have to stay.” Luke manages to get out, he feels like he is about to throw up again and he is confused and lost and he isn’t looking forward to get his stomach pumped. He doesn’t want it to be, and he isn’t sure if he’s just worried about the discomfort of having a tube shoved down his throat or whether it’s because maybe he just wants to die. 

 

But he gets his answer when Michael says, “Baby, I’m not going anywhere.” 

  
And that’s when Luke decides he isn’t going anywhere either. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'( please don't hate me


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not going to lie, I really love this chapter!! It makes me so happy. 
> 
> TW: Aftermath of a suicide attempt but not really at all angsty. 
> 
> I really hope I did this part of the story justice. The final bit when Luke and Michael are talking I was listening to Confusing Happiness by Lo-Fang and idk I feel like it kind of sets a good tone and goes with it, if any of you are interested in that haha.

When Luke wakes up the next morning he is instantly aware of the uncomfortable mattress and the too clean smell in the air but it takes him a moment to remember that he is in hospital and not in his bed back at the house. Then he remembers  _ why  _ he is in the hospital and his heart speeds up slightly because he doesn’t even know where that came from. It’s a slightly disturbing memory, that in that moment he truly wanted to die. Then his eyes fall on the chair next to the bed. Michael is slumped there, a hat pulled over his face as if he fell asleep in the light and had to block it out. He’s still wearing clothes from yesterday and he’s almost falling off the chair pretty much, it’s so tiny. 

 

“Michael.” Luke croaks, trying to be as quiet as possible despite being lucky enough to be in a private room. 

 

It takes a few more attempts but then Michael jerks awake, looking alert and scared like something terrible has just happened. It makes Luke feel a whole lot worse, realising all the panic he caused. He wonders whether the fans have found out, how worried they are. Then he remembers that the last thing he knew, the majority of the fans were accusing him of being an abuser. That thought alone makes him sick to the stomach. 

 

“Lukey.” Michael says, stifling a yawn, grinning at the younger boy. “You’re awake.”

 

Luke doesn’t know what to say. He’s just thinking over the events of the night before and how he is still so tired and how he made the boys panic. Calum and Ashton are probably outside, sleeping in a car with the windows covered so no fans see - even in a hospital it’s likely they could get swarmed by fans. He feels like crying. His eyes start to water and he gets hot and has to throw the blanket off of him. 

 

“Come here.” He says, a command, but it sounds pleading and weak and desperate. He feels so pathetic, the boys are all probably going to think he had a meltdown or something and is now too fragile to touch. 

 

Michael obliges though, and he looks grateful to be told to go over. He falls down onto the mattress of the bed, it’s small but he manages to squeeze on. Neither of them say anything, they just hug each other. 

 

“I’m so sorry Lukey.” Michael says after a while. 

 

Luke doesn’t want to hear  _ sorry _ . He just… he wants the pain to go and right now the only thing he can think of that could possibly do that is to kiss the love of his life. There’s something wrapped around his arm, probably there to check his heart rate or whatever. He ignores it, lifting his hand to hold Michael’s face still and then he leans down and kisses Michael. It’s no where near as strong as Michael’s usual kisses, he doesn’t press himself against him, they don’t start to get breathless from the heat of it all, and their hands stay the same - Luke lightly holding Mikey’s face, Mikey’s hands on the younger boy’s shoulders as if to steady him. It’s nothing like how their first kiss again in so long should be. And it’s nothing like how they should be kissing, how they want to be kissing, but it’s enough. They’re both probably crying but they can’t see one another. They keep their eyes shut, and even when they eventually feel like they have to pull apart, Luke wriggles down the bed and buries his face in Michael’s chest. The blue haired boy leans against the bedframe, allowing Luke to curl around him as much as he wants. It’s silent in the tiny hospital room, and they’re both tired. They start to close their eyes again, and Michael sleeps a whole lot better in the bed. 

  
  
  
  
  


_ “Guys.”  _

 

Simultaneously, Luke and Michael open their eyes and bolt upright, like they’re embarrassed to be found cuddling each other. Calum and Ashton are there, Ash sat on a chair and Calum at the end of the bed, leaning over them slightly. He’s the one Luke sees first, and it’s the most relieved he has ever seen anybody look to see him. 

 

“Thank fucking god.” Calum breathes, not bothering to be gentle in his eagerness to pull Luke into a grip-tight hug. It’s a long hug, and Michael grumbles as he is pretty much forced to get out of the way and take up another chair. “We’ve been so worried, Lukey.” 

 

“Let the poor guy breathe, Cal.” Ashton chuckles, and when Luke looks over at him he can see the worry in those big eyes he’s come to recognise as ones of comfort. It’s rare to see Ashton looking worried and concerned and not sure what to do - he’s always the one taking control in these situations. 

 

“Hey Lukey.” He murmurs. “I didn’t sleep a wink because of you.” 

 

Luke laughs, feeling his eyes start to water all over again but he blinks rapidly before any tears can actually fall. Ashton gets up and hugs him as well, and then when Luke settles back down in the bed it is with a slight sadness because he wants Michael to carry on being there for him to hold. 

 

“The doctor is coming in a minute.” Calum says. “They want to ask you some more questions, Luke.”

 

“They think it’s about that article.” Ashton informs the group, leaning back in his chair, rolling his eyes when Calum ungracefully sits on his lap.

 

“I want to fucking kill that bitch.” Michael muttered furiously, still sounding tired, and he glares at a patch of floor so furiously that you would think it had said something offensive. 

 

“Don’t we all.” Ashton agrees softly, quietly, probably hoping Luke won’t really hear. That just irritates the younger boy - that always happens. Whenever anyone goes to hospital or is sick or something, people just assume that they don’t hear what anybody says, like everything is blocked out. 

 

He’s still trapped in her iron grip, he realises, thinking back to the phone call. If he tries to end anything, she can just make up a load more stories. Maybe Michael actually will kill her and he won’t have to deal with her. 

 

“Are any concerts being cancelled?” Luke asks, the question suddenly popping into his head, making him feel even more alarmed. 

 

Before he gets an answer the door opens and a doctor comes in. She looks nice enough, but she is definitely one of those patronising ones. She’s closely followed by a nurse, he’s carrying a clipboard and he scans the room quickly and is obviously internally telling himself to keep calm and like he doesn’t know he is standing in front of 5 Seconds Of Summer.

 

“Good morning Mr Hemmings, how are you feeling today?” The doctor asks, already using that annoying false voice and smiling way too brightly for the situation. 

 

“I’m okay thanks.” Luke mutters. Then something else pops into his head and he turns to look at Michael, only he finds that those green eyes have been watching him with concern the entire time. 

 

“Is my mum coming?” He asks. 

 

Michael nods slowly, and he opens his mouth to add something to that but the doctor speaks over him. 

 

“I’m Dr. Koshaw, I’m just going to be asking you a few questions. This is my colleague Andrew.” 

 

Luke nods a greeting to the pair, trying to sit up more. Seeing that, Michael moves closer to him, squashing himself onto the bed beside him and wrapping an arm lightly around his waist, allowing the younger boy to better lean against something. He rests his head on Mikey’s shoulder, not caring that there is somebody right in front of them - doctors aren’t going to go to the press. 

 

Then he remembers there is no point trying to keep anything a secret anymore thanks to that damn article.

 

“So, Mr. Hemmings, are you sure you want everyone in the room present whilst you answer these questions?” Dr Koshaw asks, her eyes darting to Ashton and Calum. 

 

Luke nods his head vigorously, “Yeah. We tell each other everything anyway.” 

 

“Okay.” Dr Koshaw replies, consulting her own clipboard as Andrew scribbles something down, probably under ‘relationships’. 

 

“I’m a doctor who specialises in subjects such as mental health.” Dr Koshaw tells Luke, smiling a little as she says it, maybe she sees the widening look in Luke’s eyes as if he is thinking to himself  _ am I crazy!?  _

 

“Now, we know that you were in a bit of a lost state when you overdosed on painkillers, but I’m wondering if you’ve ever tried anything like this before?”

 

“No.” Luke replies simply, and Michael squeezes him a little, as if he’s reassuring him of his presence.

 

“Okay. Have you had suicidal thoughts before?”

 

Luke shifts uncomfortably, not really sure what to say. 

 

“Anything you say in here is confidential, Luke. It will go on your medical records, but that is all. I can assure you, no outsiders will have any access to these records.” Dr Koshaw says, her tone soft.

 

“I’ve not felt suicidal.” Luke answers shyly. “I’ve… I’ve felt like I would like to disappear. And I’ve been really really sad, but I’ve never wanted to actually kill myself.”

 

“Alright, and-” 

 

“And I don’t think I was trying to kill myself last night.” Luke continues, shaking a little. “It was because of that article that was published about me, and I was panicking and… and I wasn’t thinking. I did it and then instantly regretted it. I really don’t want to kill myself, doctor.” 

 

He’s determinedly not looking at any of his bandmates, but he can still feel Michael’s eyes on him, glazed with unfalling tears and full of worry, and he knows Calum and Ashton are probably exchanging nervous looks. Andrew is still scribbling endlessly onto his clipboard. 

 

“Okay. Have you had panic attacks previously?”

 

Luke shrugs, “I don’t know. Nobody’s ever told me I was having a panic attack. Sometimes everything builds up and I just break down, but that’s all. I don’t think I have panic attacks and if I do, they are really not frequent.” 

 

Dr Koshaw is studying him, her eyes slightly squinted as if he is an interesting science project. She takes the clipboard from Andrew and reads through it. Then she looks up, at Michael. 

 

“Would you say you are closest to Mr Hemmings?” She asks. 

 

It is clear that nobody really knows how to respond to that. 

 

“We’ve not been close, for ages.” Michael replies, voice so quiet it’s barely audible. “It’s only until yesterday that we’ve got close again.” 

 

“May I ask what exactly your relationship is?” Dr Koshaw asks, “If you don’t mind?”

 

Nobody says anything. 

 

“It is common in young LGBTQ+ people, particularly gay men, to feel trapped, to want to take their own lives. Or even just to feel lost, to feel like they don’t know who they are. To be anxious. Not to mention being so widely in the public eye.”

 

Luke sighs, not rudely, just as he ponders that. “I think the main thing is my g-girlfriend. She’s not really my girlfriend, I don’t know. She’s…” 

 

“Manipulative?” Dr Koshaw suggests when he is struggling for a word. 

 

“Yes.” 

 

She asks a few more questions, and Luke doesn’t really answer that well. He is just tired and wants to go home and doesn't feel like any of these questions are at all necessary. Eventually,  Dr Koshaw finishes with her questions. 

 

“Your bandmates and your manager have all expressed their concern about their being an upcoming tour.” Dr Koshaw says. 

 

Luke feels tempted to throw an accusing look in their direction, but he doesn’t, because it’s understandable. He’s been really stupid, he thinks to himself, he’s ruined stuff for everyone,  That just makes him feel shit. 

 

“We don’t know if it is a good idea for you to be on the road constantly. It would be a lot better if you had a familiar face, and we want you to speak to a therapist to consider whether or not you need any kind of treatment for anxiety, depression, or even something otherwise.” 

 

“No!” Luke says in a rush, almost jumping up in fear. “I would feel a lot worse if the tour was cancelled. If I let all those people down… and the thing that is most familiar to me now is being on tour, being on stage. You can’t…  _ please  _ don’t take that-”

 

“Nobody is taking anything away from you.” Michael says soothingly, pulling Luke back to lean down, “Don’t worry, babe.”

 

Dr Koshaw is quiet for a moment. “Nobody thinks you need to be hospitalised.” She says thoughtfully, “And thinking about it, it would probably be a lot worse for you emotionally if you did have the weight of letting people down on your shoulders. When do you leave for tour?” 

 

“We’re supposed to be going in two days to Sheffield.” Ashton says. 

 

“Maybe we can get you an emergency appointment tomorrow, just to analyse your current state.” Dr Koshaw muses. “I can’t make promises, let me make a few calls. They might ask you to be seeing somebody whilst touring, in that case you may have to go private.”

 

“We’ll do anything.” Ashton says, and he sounds so desperate, so tired, it tears at Luke’s chest. 

 

Dr Koshaw says goodbye for now and that she will be back after speaking to somebody, leaving them alone in the room. 

 

After that it is just waiting, waiting for somebody to come back and tell them what is going on. Somebody comes to bring Luke soup, at first he makes a face at the thought of hospital food but once he tastes it, it is surprisingly good. None of the boys really talk, Calum keeps singing a song he’s working on quietly to himself, and to Ashton, who just looks at him with adoration. Michael and Luke continue being squashed together onto the tiny bed just because they don’t like the thought of not being together anymore than they have to. Luke decides they are going to talk everything through when they are home, when they are finally alone. He doesn’t want to be alone for now, it feels right that all four of them are together. 

 

“Did you say my mum is coming?” He asks Michael. 

 

“She wants to.” Michael tells him, he sounds almost hesitant. “She can’t get any flights right now, there’s none for days, something is wrong, I don’t really not. But she says as soon as she can, she will come.”

 

Luke tries not to mind, he is just grateful he has his brothers with him. Eventually Dr Koshaw returns, she says he has an appointment tomorrow with a specialist in diagnosing different possible mental states, she’s being very careful to never use the term ‘illness’. After that he is allowed to go. 

 

On the way home he almost falls asleep, they drove so fast last night and there was hardly any traffic so he didn’t realise how far away from their London house they are. As soon as he enters his house he practically sprints to the shower. He wants to wash away all memory of the night before, but he’s going to be reminded for ages probably. As far as he knows, no fans have found out and hopefully it stays that way. He is still scared to check his phone though, to see what else has been fired at him after that bullshit story. Once he is clean, he puts on sweatpants and a clean shirt. 

 

He can hear Michael in his room playing guitar, and Luke lightly taps on the door with his knuckles before going in. He looks exhausted, and he didn’t hear Luke’s practically silent knock or his entrance because he doesn’t look up. He is playing Jet Black Heart, singing it quietly. He sounds so angelic despite the rasping of his voice, the way he moans is usually just really fucking hot but now it actually sounds pained and just full of emotion. His hair (now pretty much white) is sticking up in loads of different directions. Luke doesn’t speak until he has finished playing. 

 

“Hey.” He says. 

 

Michael practically jumps, and when he looks up his cheeks are pink but he smiles. He smiles like his most favourite person in the world has just walked in and Luke hates it. Well, he loves it, but he feels terrible. That shouldn’t be directed at him, he has done nothing but  _ hurt  _ Michael. 

 

“Hey.” Michael replies. “How does it feel to be clean.”

 

“Better than ever.” Luke says with a smile. 

 

He hovers uncertainly in the doorway a moment longer before entering the room properly, and closing the door behind him. 

 

“We have to talk.” He says. 

 

“Uh-oh.” Michael mumbles, a weak attempt at humour apparently because he smiles, it’s almost a shaky smile. Even so, he puts his guitar down and pats the space on the bed beside him, and Luke goes to sit. 

 

“I’m really-” Luke says, at the exact same time that Michael says, “I don’t kn-”

 

“You go.”

 

“No, you’re the one who came in here to talk, you go.”

 

“But-”

 

“ _ Talk _ .”

 

“Okay.” Luke agrees at last, rolling his eyes a little. That makes Michael smile fondly, because Luke hasn’t done that at him in such a long time. 

 

Both of them keep looking at each other’s lips like they really really want to kiss, and their hands keep almost meeting, fingers almost brushing, but they know they can’t hold hands because then they just… won’t stop. They need to talk things through first. It takes a moment, but once Luke has started he can’t stop spilling out words. 

 

“I’ve been really cruel to you. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for last night firstly because I was such an idiot, I don’t even know what I was doing, and I regret it so bad, and I know how worried you all were. But… I want to apologise for everything. I’ve been so cruel to you, I only went out with Arzaylea because I wanted to make you jealous but I shouldn’t have flaunted her around like that, and it was really stupid of me because it turned out she was just using me - you know that, right?” 

 

“I know.” 

 

“I’m so sorry.” Luke eventually finishes, tears stinging his eyes. “I’ve been so cruel to you and… and that time you came to try and make things right and I just  _ left  _ you and you got fucking beaten up. I never even apologised for  _ that _ .” 

 

He finishes, taking a deep breath like he is trying to inhale all the oxygen there is after his outburst. 

 

Michael shushes him, and he reaches up a hand to catch a teardrop, just as it is about to spill out onto Luke’s cheek. 

 

“I’m the one who started all this.” Michael says, blatantly pained. “So so long ago now, when you told me y-you love me.  _ Loved _ me, and I… I lied. I thought it was for the best, I thought I was saving you so much hurt because I don’t think my love can ever be good for anyone but then I think about the cycle of pain and heartbreak I started-”

 

“You tried to make up for that.” Luke stops him, biting his lip. “You did your apologising and I didn’t let you. Even so, I accepted that long ago. This is  _ my  _ apology. But you don’t have to accept it, I really wouldn’t expect you to after-”

 

“Shut up you idiot.” Michael cuts him off with a sad laugh. He’s crying. Tears are just streaming all over his face but he doesn’t even care. “Of course I forgive you. I’ll always forgive you.”

 

“But-”

 

“ _ Shut up _ , let me speak.” Michael tells him, and Luke is about to apologise again which just makes Michael laugh even more through his sobbing. It’s like witnessing an emotional trainwreck all in one second. “I’ll always forgive you because I love you so fucking much, Lucas Hemmings.”

 

Luke is slightly shocked. Well, not slightly. The most shocked he has ever been. He doesn’t know if he has ever heard Michael utter those words and meant them, as in meant them in the sense of being  _ in  _ love with someone, romantically. Then they are both crying. Really loud ugly crying, their faces screwed up and their chests heaving. It would be kind of funny if they weren’t both feeling so confused right now. He doesn’t understand how Michael could even forgive him for everything, yet alone  _ love  _ him. For ages he is sat in silence, he doesn’t realise quite how long until Michael clears his throat. 

 

_ Idiot,  _ Luke tells himself for making Mikey wait. 

 

“I love you, too.” He whispers. And then a lot more clear, “I really love you.”

 

And then they are kissing. It’s not like it was in the hospital, they are holding each other and they can taste one another’s salty tears and their breath and they can feel each other. It’s so perfect. 

 

_ I love you, I love you, I love you  _ he keeps thinking, he wants to shout it from the rooftops. 

 

They are far from perfect. Arzaylea is still very much in the picture, in fact, she’s probably left a million messages on Luke’s turned off phone, and they still have loads to talk about. But for now all that matters is them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter - smut smut smut
> 
> Thanks for reading! Xx


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe this was originally meant to be a smut story, i feel like i can't even write smut for this anymore lmao i just want to feel it with fluff and feels

“I’ve missed this.” Luke says, speaking in the barest minimum of time that their lips aren’t touching some part of one another - whether it be the other’s mouth, jawbone, neck, nose. 

 

Michael almost sighs with relief as he nods, and he means it. They’ve both been so starving, so desperate for one another and they have tried so hard to ignore it that now they are finally allowed it, allowed what they have been craving for so long, it’s overwhelming. A wave of heat and passion and  _ love _ . 

 

“Fuck me.” Luke whispers, voice husky, a low breath as Michael kisses his sweet spot. “Like you used to.”

 

“What?” Michael asks, a light laugh. 

 

“Make love to me, but… like we used to. You know… like I’m your fucktoy again.”

 

Michael’s eyes widen and he splutters, not really sure what to say. That was always so hot, and he loved how Luke really liked the whole sub/dom thing, but honestly he had been thinking Luke wouldn’t want that. This is the first time that they’ve been together since it all. 

 

“Come on,  _ sir _ .” Luke says, and there is a hint of teasing in his voice but also desperation. 

 

And of course, Michael obliges. Slowly at first, he nods to show his agreement but his eagerness quickly starts to show. His hands go to his shirt and he starts to lift it over his head, and he undoes his flies and takes off his jeans as Luke strips himself too. Neither of them can help but marvel at one another, it’s been so long since they’ve seen each other like this and it’s a pleasure they’ve been missing. Michael cups his hands around Luke’s face, tilting his chin so that he is looking up at him from where he sits on the end of the bed, and his thumbs gently stroke the pale skin there. They look into each other’s eyes properly, naked and close and just all open. No longer feeling afraid, scared, feeling like they can’t get too close or they may come back burned. It’s just all  _ there _ \- there’s just love and adoration. And hunger. 

 

“Are you sure you want it to be like before?” Michael asks, almost shyly. 

 

“You know the only way I like it is rough.” Luke says, flirting, winking - Michael snorts. 

 

“Did you pick that line up from a really shitty film?” 

 

Luke rolls his eyes, kicking his leg gently but still smiling. It’s so normal, they’ve not joked around together for so long, especially naked and about to have sex. 

 

“Please.” He says, more of a whisper, pleading. “I want it to feel like nothing has changed.”

 

Michael understands, but he still has the urge to clarify  _ everything  _ has changed. He is no longer afraid to be in love, he wants all of his feelings for Luke to be known to the world. Still, the idea of fucking him again is also incredibly tempting. He leans down to kiss him first, softly, gentle. He strokes his hand across his cheek again, and runs a finger through his hair. 

 

Then, “Suck my dick,” he says coolly, and Luke is on his knees in less than a second. 

 

He doesn’t hesitate at all, he takes Michael’s dick in his hand and starts off slow, the tip of his tongue teasing. He toys with it, never going too far, always pulling his mouth back just when Michael is about to moan. 

 

“I’m your master,” Michael eventually growls, unable to keep it in any longer, “If I say suck my dick, I mean suck my dick.” 

 

The younger boy doesn’t need to be told twice, firstly because he immediately wraps his lips fully around it and also because Michael grabs a hold of his hair, not so rough that it hurts but enough to have control of him, and he pumps himself slightly to make it a little easier. 

 

“Look into my eyes, slut.” He orders, and Luke does. 

 

But then Michael regrets telling him to do that, because even if it’s a kink for him and it gets him incredibly hot, now that he is looking into those beautiful blue oceans he has come to love so dearly it feels weird. It’s their first time sleeping together in so long and he realises he doesn’t want it to be like this. Sure, tomorrow it will be the hottest thing imaginable but not right now. He pulls himself from Luke’s mouth, turning away from his questioning eyes. 

 

And of course, now that he has confessed his love he’s going to go and be pathetic and start crying. Tears are streaming down his cheeks for some unknown reason and Luke rushes to comfort him. 

 

“What did I do?” He asks, worry evident in his eyes. “Is this a new part of your dominant side?”

 

Michael laughs despite himself, wiping at his face. “No, it’s not. I’m being an idiot.”

 

“You’re not being an idiot, just tell me what’s the matter?” Luke says, moving to stand in front of Michael, pretty much forcing him to look at him. 

 

“I don’t know.” Michael says truthfully, and he laughs again at himself. “I think it’s happy tears. Just being with you again.”

 

Luke smiles at that, and he lifts his own hand to wipe at the tears there himself. “I’m happy too.”

 

“Luke, it doesn’t feel right to fuck you. I really want to but… tonight, I want -” He stops himself, feeling like it sounds stupid, but Luke encourages him to carry on. “I want to  _ make love  _ to you, you know?”

 

Luke still looks a little bewildered, but he nods. He doesn’t complain, and that’s another thing Michael loves - he is so  _ sweet  _ and he will just do whatever is in his power to make Michael happy and he doesn’t deserve that. As if Luke can read his mind, though, he frowns. The two of them are still completely naked, and even slightly hard seeing as they had been about to engage in something pretty hot; but they try to ignore that and Luke takes Michael’s hand, pulling him back to sit on the bed. 

 

“I understand, Mikey.” He says gently. “I have to tell you something, though.”

 

“What?”

 

“I know what you’re thinking right now, or what you are going to start thinking soon.” He starts, voice soft yet somehow firm too, like he is about to start laying down rules. “You’re going to start thinking about how you’re not good enough for me, which is ridiculous, and you’re going to feel like you can’t be in love with me or that our relationship is toxic.”

 

“Luke-”

 

“No,  _ listen  _ to me. It’s just what you do - you doubt yourself. And you don’t see just how  _ good  _ you are, you are the kindest guy I know and don’t get annoyed or anything, but you’re also the most sensitive guy I know. You try and hide it but I  _ know  _ you. I know you the most, even more than Calum knows you, believe it or not.” 

 

Michael is still crying, and he feels humiliated but it’s not hard for him to remind himself that none of it is necessary. They are in love, through everything. Luke still loves him after he broke his heart, after he started drinking himself away and swallowing whatever pills were offered, after he almost broke up the band potentially. And he definitely loves him through this. 

 

“Okay.” He whispers, voice cracked. 

 

“Okay.” Luke says, nodding slightly. 

 

He leans forward, placing a kiss against Michael’s bicep, and then they turn to be facing each other properly and he leans closer, kissing his lips. Michael is still sniffing slightly but he’s stopped crying, he leans his forehead against Luke’s, eyes closed. 

 

“I love you.” He whispers. 

 

“I love you.” 

 

Then Michael moves his head down, he starts to kiss Luke’s neck because he knows that’s where the younger boy is the sweetest, it makes him feel weak at the knees. He tilts his chin up into the air to allow Michael to better suck at his neck, and Michael makes sure to leave marks there. He’s missed it, maybe that’s what he has missed the most - marking Luke and then seeing them the day after, peeking out from underneath his clothes. This time though, he wants Luke to leave them as well. Next time it will be like before, and he is looking forward to it, but this feels like some sort of weird ceremony just to celebrate how he is finally being  _ honest _ . 

 

Luke seems to be thinking along the same lines. He lightly pushes Michael off him and wriggles up the bed, leaning against the headboard. Then he pulls Michael closer, kissing him some more, but then he pushes him onto his back and gets on top. He kisses his lips some more, his tongue moving with Michael’s as their breaths start to quicken and they grow more and more heavy. He kisses his way down to Michael’s jaw bone and then to his neck - he sucks on the skin there and even bites a little bit and Michael moans at the feel. They do this for ages, switching sides as they kiss every patch of skin they can, leaving bruising marks, skin on skin, soft and sweet. 

 

“You’re so beautiful.” Michael whispers when they are both sat up again. “I want to be inside of you.”

 

Luke just nods, breathless, positioning himself facedown on the bed, waiting. 

 

“I have to prep you.” Michael says, and he is about to go over to his bedside drawer when he remembers he doesn’t have any lube - there is a condom in his wallet, though. 

 

“I don’t have anything.”

 

“Just use your spit,” Luke tells him with a slight husky laugh, “I don’t care, I need you right now.” 

 

Michael raises his eyebrows, enjoying the way that sounds. 

 

_ I need you _ …

 

He does though, sucking on his fingers before spreading Luke’s cheeks a little and entering, slowly at first because this probably hasn’t been done to him for a very long time. Or so he thought, anyway. 

 

“You already prepped yourself?”

 

“No, but I finger myself to the thought of you most nights.” Luke admits, feeling his cheeks flame up as soon as he says it. 

 

Michael raises his eyebrows, chuckling a little before he can help it. “Of course you do.”

 

He continues to pump his fingers in and out, not wanting to do so for too long because he really just wants to be completely inside of him for the first time in what feels like an eternity, but he still takes his care, scissoring his fingers and smiling wider at the sound of Luke’s moans growing louder. 

 

“This isn’t prepping, this is you trying to get me off.” Luke manages to get out, and Michael laughs again. “Fuck me already!” Luke insists, “Make love to me, however you want to put it.”

 

“Don’t mock me wanting to make love!” Michael protests, but he pulls out his hand and returns it to his cock, which is very much erect. He wraps his fingers around himself, massaging his cock a little bit more before aligning himself with Luke. He puts one hand on the younger boy’s waist, and just that is enough to make Luke squirm again, desperate to feel Michael inside of him. 

 

Eventually, Michael inserts himself, just barely at first, not wanting to push it. Even the smallest amount is enough to make Luke continue to groan though, so it’s worth it. He gradually enters more and more, going as deep as feels right. 

 

“Mikey, don’t hold back, please.” Luke whines, wriggling his hips, “I need you.” 

 

“I don’t want to hurt-”

 

“Have you forgotten how much I love pain?!” Luke complains, so Michael rolls his eyes and enters all the way. 

 

He’s still timid but when he can fully realise Luke’s eagerness and impatience, he starts to go slightly faster, finding the right rhythm to move his hips at. It’s like he has forgotten how much Luke can take, how rough he likes it. Just because they’re doing it slightly different this time, he still needs to make sure it feels good. Before much longer, he seems to be hitting the right spot, Luke is moaning louder and louder, their bodies are starting to make a clapping sound as they hit. Michael tightens his hold, fingers folding into Luke, it’ll probably leave a mark but he doesn’t even notice. His eyes are shut, he’s gasping for breath, getting harder and harder until eventually he releases himself right into Luke. It’s over far too soon, he pulls out and then they crash down beside one another, hot and sweaty and out of breath. They stay there for a while, just on their backs and listening to one another and feeling each other’s heartbeats, their skin brushing, their eyes fixed on the ceiling, neither being the first one to break the moments of blissful tiredness. 

 

Soon though, Michael moves closer and leans his head against Luke’s chest, and he sinks into him as the younger boy wraps an arm around him. He says something teasing about Michael being so small compared to him, and Michael swats at him playfully. They don’t really speak a lot though, just lie together. It’s perfect. 

 

They don’t get dressed, they don’t even cover themselves with a blanket or anything because they are still so hot, they are just  _ together _ . No more details, nothing really to mention other than how everything just feels set. Fallen together like a jigsaw puzzle - one that took a year to finish. Of course there is still the issue of a certain girl that they would both like to forget, but they don’t speak about her.

 

“I’ve missed you.” Michael says. “I’m so-”

 

“Don’t ruin it with apologies.” Luke murmurs. “We’ve already done all that. I just want to focus on  _ now _ .”

 

“I know.” Michael agrees, and he moves his head to look up at Luke to find he was already being watched, with eyes full of so much love… he doesn’t know how he didn’t realise that it’s been there all along. Luke never stopped loving him, even though he really should have. He’s glad he didn’t though. 

 

“I wish I told you I loved you before.” Michael says, “Now I’m going to have to say it like, a _ trillion  _ times a day just to make up for it.” 

 

“Poor you.” Luke replies, rolling his eyes. 

 

“I agree.” Michael says as he sits up more, turning to face Luke again. He kisses him for the millionth time that night, eyes closed and it feels like he is seeing fireworks in the back of his eyelids - it’s been an entire bonfire night’s worth of colourful explosions inside his head today. “I love you.” 

 

“You have to say it a couple of thousand more times today to keep up with your new target.” Luke jokes, grinning. 

 

Michael actually starts to, and for the first twenty or so  _ I love you’s  _ followed by kisses in as many parts of Luke that Michael can reach he is giggling, and they are both just a tangled mess of limbs by the time he starts to beg for him to stop. 

 

“But I’ve not reached by target!”

 

“Say them in your head.” Luke says, beaming from ear to ear, he is pretty much glowing. He’s not felt so happy  _ ever _ . 

 

They go through the rest of the night like that, barely sleeping, not talking about anything that needs talking about, just stupid stuff that nobody needs to know but it feels important. They even talk about rubbish vines that had been viral ages ago and they hadn’t been talking to discuss it then, they talk about TV shows and new songs that aren’t new anymore that they both love, they laugh and kiss and play guitar. By the time they eventually fall asleep, they are worn out just from smiling so much. 

  
They finally have their island of bliss, and it’s been a long time coming. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


End file.
